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Original poster

DP's kissed another woman.......but then didn't really...........but then did.......but was very drunk. WTF?!

88 replies

summerholshell · 01/08/2012 21:45

Evening

Sorry, i've been hogging this section a lot recently.

I appologise(again) in advance because i've had a couple of glasses of wine.

So 3 years ago dp was best man at his bf's wedding(now already divorced looooong storyConfused) and i'm sure you know already what happened, but dp went on the Stag do and yep, you guessed it, he 'kissed' another woman.

He told me the next day that he was really drunk, actually more drunk than he'd ever been before and this random much older woman came over and snogged him. He says that after finding it amusing and laughing, he pushed her off. It all sounded plausable at the time, so I let it go.

The problem is, whenever it gets brought up, the story changes. For example, tonight he says that he can't even remember whether or not she kissed him properly or not, but when it first happened he said that it definitely happened, but then he came to his senses. He said tonight that he was far too drunk to really know whether or not it was a 'proper' kiss, but "knows" that he wouldn't have done anythingHmm because it's just not in him. But if he was really THAT drunk, then how does he really know what happened?

Everytime we talk about, he seems to get more and more uncomfortable and jittery. This could be because I've now brought it up several times and is starting to doubt himself unnecessarily..............I really don't know. Or it could be because he knows exactly what happened and he did kiss her.

Am I right to be getting so upset or should I just let it go, regardless of whether the kiss took place or not.

I've never been unfaithful and i've certainly had opportunities. I just couldn't do it to DP.

It's doing my head in cos I keep wondering what really happened that night.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your advice

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/08/2012 10:57

Every time it's brought up. Why is it constantly being brought up? Confused
If he was as drunk as you say, maybe he really doesn't remember? It was 3 years ago.

MissFaversam · 02/08/2012 11:05

Was that the first time you can recollect him lying? hence the start of you noticing him being prone to telling porkies? You go over it because that's where it started and it hasn't gone away because he's still at it.

For me, I'd have to get rid due to not wanting to be sent bonkers wondering every time something came out of his mouth.

I'd have actually lost respect for him.

Lizzabadger · 02/08/2012 11:12

I wouldn't want to be with someone who lies all the time.

AThingInYourLife · 02/08/2012 11:17

The kiss 3 years ago is nothing - if DH had some drunken half-snog at a stag night, there is no way I'd still remember it 3 years later, never mind repeatedly bringing it up.

But he doesn't lie constantly, so I trust him.

BTW - they are not "white" lies.

A white lie is an untruth told to spare someone's feelings (not to spare you having to listen to their justified irritation.)

So "of course you didn't look stupid in that outfit" is a white lie.

"I was not at the pub" is a just a regular lie.

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 13:11

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your words of wisdomGrin

I think really I know it's just about the lie, rather than the kiss. I'm not one who thinks that a kiss is as bad as having sex with someone else. I know there are people who believe there is no difference though.

athing, I agree that actually "no I wasn't at the pub" is more of a regular lie than a white lie. I guess I was just thinking of it as a small lie and not a major one such as "no i didn't sleep with her" iyswim.

So I think this all basically comes down to not being able to trust what he says.......big or small. I think the problem with dp is that he really doesn't believe these little/white lies are a problem, even though I have told him countless times that they add up to me not being able to trust him. I try really hard not to be a nag cos I hate to hear nagging women, but I just can't seem to get it through to him. He'll agree to get out of the habit, but I think really he just says that to get off the awkward and tiring conversation, because it happens again and again. And the he'll just put up his hands and say something infuriating like "look, i've admitted it to you now, so just drop it"Angry

My head just feels so messed up. I don't want to leave him, but not sure how much of unstable feeling I can take.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 13:13

how much more of this , sorry

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 02/08/2012 13:15

You are not nagging him. He is not doing something that is important to you, that is a reasonable thing to ask and that is damaging to your relationship when it is done.

You are not the problem here.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 02/08/2012 13:17

Has he said why he lies?

Has he said how he would feel if you lied? Or failed to do something that was important to him in the relationship eg buying him a nice birthday present or whatever?

RabidAnchovy · 02/08/2012 13:24

He kissed someone 3 years ago and it is still getting dragged up ?
Bloody hell let it go

SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 13:27

I really couldn't handle someone who lied to me all the time. Especially to stop "getting into trouble" what are you his mum?

DH did this recently a couple of times and I went bananas at him.

I pointed out that while he was lying about something he thought I'd disapprove of (spending money on hobby) the fact that I knew he was lying about something meant that i was thinking much worse than spending a few quid on something silly.

Your DH needs to understand that as things are he has eroded your trust and that is why you keep going on about the kiss, is because he lies about so many things you haven't got a clue what to believe. And end up thinking the worst.

If he can't get that through his thick head then I don't know what to suggest but it must be utterly infuriating and i bet you don't trust him as far as you could throw him.

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 13:54

Rabid, assuming you haven't read the whole thread because if you had, you'd realise, it aint that simple.

Sardine, I think i've used those exact words(4th paragraph) but to no avail. I've tried every method, every approach, but it's just not getting through!!

Is this inevitably going to break us up? It would be awful, because there's a lot of good there.

He went off to work this morning saying that he loves me so much, but can't take the false accusations. Once again, he's completely missing the point! He says he gets what i'm saying, but then comes out with that. Tbh, if he came back and said "yeah this girl kissed me last night and I didn't really stop it" i'd have been crushed and probably wouldn't want to be around him for a while, but i would have forgiven him and moved on.

I know we'll end up talking about it all again tonight, but I don't know what else I can say...

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 14:04

Tbf, it's not rabids fault. Most reactions to the op were similar. It's been a drip feed though hasn't it? As that isnt the real issue. Many people don't read post upon post.

The kiss, forget it or end it. You chose to forgive him at the time but are still, dragging it up years on. So you haven't forgiven him for it at all, so why are you still there? It turns out its because he lies a lot, so again, if this is a deal breaker. It would be for me why are you still there? As all it is achieving is a toxic relationship where the same scenario is argued over, again and again. Whilst you twist yourself in nots.

Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 14:04

Knots.

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 14:13

I know House. It's completely unhealty.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 14:18

Actually thinking about it, I think this is the main reason why he's DP and not DH. I need to trust him 100% and I just can't.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 02/08/2012 14:20

Then it's over. I'm so sorry.

SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 14:27

Do you have children together?

Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 14:29

Then it's over. Or just destroy all of you and your children in the process until one of you snaps and goes.

Trazzletoes · 02/08/2012 14:36

OP, I'm sorry but there is no point in being in a relationship with someone that you can't trust. But this is in no way your fault. Why should you trust someone who lies all the time, whether it's over the small stuff or the big stuff?

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 14:48

Sardine, yes, we have one DD who has certain issues shall we say and routine is incredibly important to her. I don't know how she'd cope if we were to break up. She's been asking us a lot recently why we're not married and does that mean we don't love each other. Dp always looks at me as if to say "yeah, why aren't we married?" So I feel like i'm letting her down too. I am.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 14:51

Look if is really over "issues" wrt to routine. Is not a problem. Children with ASD or similar, who thrive on the routine. Would in the long run be better of with split parents. That living with two parents who argue, mistrust each other and dont really like each other that much. Plus a liar for a parent does them no favours.

I do know what I'm talking about btw.

SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 14:58

You aren't letting her down.
Your DP is letting you both down.
It's him who is in the wrong and if you split it's him who will have caused it.
So you have told him that you can't trust him and that if you can't trust him what's the point? And he does what - looks sorry / says it won't happen any more and then it does is my guess.
He won't change though.
So what are you going to do Sad

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 15:02

I'm sure you do house. I don't think you'd be speaking about such a tricky subject if you didn't have personal experience.

She'll always have a dad who lies regardless of whether we stay together or not. I know this is vey controversial to say, but I think he would be a worse parent on his own. I think he would make things very hard, purely through bitterness and immaturity, if we were to break up. I don't think he'd understand why I felt I had to make that decision, because he knows how much I love him and I think he assumes that love is enough.

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 02/08/2012 15:06

your child will be stable and happy with just you rather than caught in the cross fire of an unhealthy relationship.

Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 15:07

I don't know what the answer is then tbh. Children like this need stability, facts, the truth, honesty.

A liar for a full time parent will confuse them. But children who are über sensitive. Well won't cope long term with parents who do not get on, constantly bicker and shroud the house in an atmosphere.

So I just don't know what to say really. It does sound like the marriage is really over and quite toxic. But it almost seems like in a way, you want to continue this torture of yourself over the events of the stag. I really don't know tbh.