DP's kissed another woman.......but then didn't really...........but then did.......but was very drunk. WTF?!

[summerholshell]

Evening

Sorry, i've been hogging this section a lot recently.

I appologise(again) in advance because i've had a couple of glasses of wine.

So 3 years ago dp was best man at his bf's wedding(now already divorced looooong story) and i'm sure you know already what happened, but dp went on the Stag do and yep, you guessed it, he 'kissed' another woman.

He told me the next day that he was really drunk, actually more drunk than he'd ever been before and this random much older woman came over and snogged him. He says that after finding it amusing and laughing, he pushed her off. It all sounded plausable at the time, so I let it go.

The problem is, whenever it gets brought up, the story changes. For example, tonight he says that he can't even remember whether or not she kissed him properly or not, but when it first happened he said that it definitely happened, but then he came to his senses. He said tonight that he was far too drunk to really know whether or not it was a 'proper' kiss, but "knows" that he wouldn't have done anything because it's just not in him. But if he was really THAT drunk, then how does he really know what happened?

Everytime we talk about, he seems to get more and more uncomfortable and jittery. This could be because I've now brought it up several times and is starting to doubt himself unnecessarily..............I really don't know. Or it could be because he knows exactly what happened and he did kiss her.

Am I right to be getting so upset or should I just let it go, regardless of whether the kiss took place or not.

I've never been unfaithful and i've certainly had opportunities. I just couldn't do it to DP.

It's doing my head in cos I keep wondering what really happened that night.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your advice

I can't even think about benefits etc. I know if the day did come, then it would be a route i'd have to pursue, but right now it's too much to think about. I worry that if and when i go to CAB, things will go against me because of my depression and the fact that I don't work.

There's a fab website where you can enter some very basic information and it will tell you what you're entitled to. In fact that might even be its name - entitled to - I'll go have a look.

I've suffered from depression myself, so I'm not trying to make light of it, but you may find that it lifts with shocking swiftness once you're out of your toxic relationship. I've seen poster after poster on here make that very observation.

How would you feel about working in the future?

Here you go - dead easy!

www.turn2us.entitledto.co.uk/entitlementcalculator.aspx

Thanks Cinna. I'll have a look at that.

I want to work definitely, but right now the thought of it fills me with horror. It's got nothing to do with fearing work itself, it's the fear of the actual workplace iyswim. It's not a case of being idle or workshy.

Dp is self employed, which again, I think will work against me. I've never recieved benefits before because I don't believe I should be getting paid for not working. Just want to make that point clear. So you can imagine why things are such a struggle for us. Dp has inconsistant work and pay and I get nothing. He works really hard don't get me wrong, but it's looking as though his business isn't really going anywhere.

God, it's all just such a mess!

No, I didn't think it was that you're idle or workshy . I assumed it was part-and-parcel with your depression.

Benefits aren't there to pay you for not working. They're there to allow you to survive until you're back on your feet.

And his business is exactly that - his business, none of yours. Not your concern if you split.

Why do I feel bad about that though. I want him to do well. I don't want him to struggle. I help him out so much right now with the books/admin side of things. He's quite severely dyslexic and i'm pretty sure he wouldn't be getting a lot of the work he does get if it weren't for me helping. Why am I doing this?!!!

It's as simple as this, I love him so much, but I also resent him. There's so much about him that I love, respect and admire, but there are aspects of him which I can't stand. Some of which, i've already gone into. Last night for example, I looked at him when he was going off on one and I just thought "how did I ever let this happen?" I don't deserve to be treated to or spoken to like this"

Bloody hell, i'm feeling sick with it all this morning.

At the risk of repeating myself again and again, I don't know what to do.

He can hire a bookkeeper to do the books and admin. Hundreds of thousands of small businesses do exactly that.

Look, I'm not unsypathetic, really I'm not.

But you have to decide whether you want in or out of this relationship.

If you want in, then you accept him as he is, lies and all. If you want out, then start taking steps to separate.

If you want to offer him an ultimatum to change, then do so. But be willing to follow up on it if he doesn't.

Well I don't know how we can come back from this.

Normally after we've had an argument like we did last night, i'd want to call or text him to try and sort things out or at least try to make some sense of what happened. Today though, I just haven't bothered. I've been sad don't get me wrong, but I don't have the energy or motivation to try and fix this. Probably because I don't feel like it can be fixed.

I know he'll come home tonight and offer to cook something nice, with a bottl of my fav wine in hand no doubt and he'll be extra specially nice to me and DD. He wont be able to do enough for me, but it wont last.

Should I bring it up again tonight? Not the kiss!!! I mean basically the fact that i'm seriously considering leaving? Or should I just see how things go again? I can say this is the final time, but if i'm being completely honest, i've been here before. The only difference is this time, i'm not desperate to keep our relationship alive. I am for DD, but not for me. This is a new feeling fo me and I don't know what to do with it.

Is there ANY point in carrying on-seeing how things go?

Personally, I would have the ultimatum conversation. But that's just me.

It does sound as though you've had your lightbulb moment.

So we didn't have the conversation last night........we didn't really have any conversation because I just couldn't build up the strength. Not to have the BIG talk, but to talk to him atall. As soon as he walked in the door and yes, you guessed it, bottled of my favourite vino in hand and all attentive and "what can I do to help?" attitude, I just couldn't be arsed, to put it bluntly. Everything he said, everything he did, even the way he breathed irratated me beyond belief. Eventually he just fell asleep on the sofa and I went to bed alone. I didn't even bother waking him cos to be perfectly blunt, I didn't want him to come up.

This morning i've had to put on a brave face for DD. She get so excited at the weekends cos dp's normally off work. First thing she asked this morning was "what are we doing with daddy today mummy?" What do you say to that? "Nothing darling, cos it turns out your daddy's a tosser and so therefore you'll be seeing him on your own, fortnightly. OK?!" Obviously i'm being dramatic, but I really wouldn't know where to start when I had to talk to her about why daddy isn't around anymore. Her face lights up when she finds out we're all going out together. She will physically push us together and says things like "kiss then you two!! you're daddy's princess and daddy's your prince". It's completely and utterly heartbreaking.

So right now dp's trying to figure out where we can go today and DD is bouncing around getting super excited and I just want to run away screaming!!

When you came on her asking for advice, did you expect to leave him? I don't think you did. The first thing that came to mind was about the kiss three years ago, you have to let that drop because it gets a bit weary going over the same thing again and again because you are never going to like the answer. How would you feel uh he did it to you. Secondly if you keep nagging/questioning him about little things,i e going to the pub he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear for a quiet life. Thirdly I don't know if it is possible but you need to get your own place. If you think that your constant questioning him will not affect your daughter in the long run then you have to think again. My mother constantly questioned my father every night for years and years and it was done in front of us. I cannot bear any arguing or shouting in an aggressive way, if it is on tv I have to switch over. I can't even watch Gordon Ramsey. That's only part of it, we hated it and as children we were very unhappy, how we all turned out normal I will never know. Have a chat tell him the small lies have to stop and tell him you don't ever want to have the conversation about the kiss ever again.You can then work on the rest. A lot of people will tell you to leave and a lot of time I agree but I don't think you want that to happen so please have the conversation and go from there.

If you live with your folks then surely it makes splitting up a whole lot less complicated?