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Original poster

DP's kissed another woman.......but then didn't really...........but then did.......but was very drunk. WTF?!

88 replies

summerholshell · 01/08/2012 21:45

Evening

Sorry, i've been hogging this section a lot recently.

I appologise(again) in advance because i've had a couple of glasses of wine.

So 3 years ago dp was best man at his bf's wedding(now already divorced looooong storyConfused) and i'm sure you know already what happened, but dp went on the Stag do and yep, you guessed it, he 'kissed' another woman.

He told me the next day that he was really drunk, actually more drunk than he'd ever been before and this random much older woman came over and snogged him. He says that after finding it amusing and laughing, he pushed her off. It all sounded plausable at the time, so I let it go.

The problem is, whenever it gets brought up, the story changes. For example, tonight he says that he can't even remember whether or not she kissed him properly or not, but when it first happened he said that it definitely happened, but then he came to his senses. He said tonight that he was far too drunk to really know whether or not it was a 'proper' kiss, but "knows" that he wouldn't have done anythingHmm because it's just not in him. But if he was really THAT drunk, then how does he really know what happened?

Everytime we talk about, he seems to get more and more uncomfortable and jittery. This could be because I've now brought it up several times and is starting to doubt himself unnecessarily..............I really don't know. Or it could be because he knows exactly what happened and he did kiss her.

Am I right to be getting so upset or should I just let it go, regardless of whether the kiss took place or not.

I've never been unfaithful and i've certainly had opportunities. I just couldn't do it to DP.

It's doing my head in cos I keep wondering what really happened that night.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your advice

OP posts:
Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 15:07

Sardine, I really don't know.

When I said to him that I can't trust him because of all the lies, he will do one of two things. Either he'll be really sorry and angry with himself and say something like "I don't know why I do it. I'm an idiot!" or if he's in a different mood he'll say something like "jesus, does it really matter? Everyone lies sometimes". You never know which dp you're gonna get tbh.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 15:11

But he never says he's not going to do it any more
And then doesn't do it any more
That's a problem, really, isn't it.

i was with a bloke for years who I got on well with and was fond of but I knew that I would never marry him (not that he asked! Grin). Knowing that you won't marry someone is a bit of a giveaway isn't it really Sad I was much happier after I finally got rid of him and then met someone that I did want to marry and all is well. But I didn't have any children, that makes it so hard.

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 15:15

House, tbh as this thread has gone on, i've realised just how insignificant the Stag do is. I guess it's these kind of situations which keep happening which are clouding the real issue, which is mistrust.

It just seems awful for DD that I can give her one of two options, but the better or more justified one, is still pretty bad. She deserves more than that.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 02/08/2012 15:18

Maybe, just maybe, if you explained to DP that you're seriously considering leaving over the lies - that yes, they do matter and to that extent - he would finally understand that he has to shape up or ship out.

But you need to be willing to live with the consequences if you give him an ultimatum and he doesn't jump the way you'd prefer.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 02/08/2012 15:56

I agree with Cinnabar. Can you ask him what would be a deal breaker for him and explain that this is as serious for you - I sense he has very little empathy!

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 16:14

He actually does have empathy, but it's inconsistant. Sometimes he's the most caring, considerate, thoughtful and just all round, nice guy, but then on the flip side of that, he can appear cold, thoughtLESS, INconsiderate, selfish and emotionally void. It's difficult to keep up with who he really is.

I think he would probably resent being given an ultimatum initially, but would then take me seriously and would probably agree and say that he'll try his hardest and lets start again blah blah blahetc I do actually believe that at the time, he really means it, but eventually he'll go back to the way he was before.....slowly, but surely.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 02/08/2012 16:17

Does he lie to other people ?

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:03

Right now, I hate him.

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Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:09

He's been an absolute shit to me tonight. Can't believe i've taken this.

He shouts at me all the time. He shouts at DD all the time. I'm struggling to see the good right now

OP posts:
Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:10

Seriously, how do I leave? I'm in such an awkward situation.

I'll always love him and i'm not sure i'll ever get over him, but I can't live like this

OP posts:
Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:11

Actually, change awkward for impossible

OP posts:
Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:14

How can he do this to me?

I fear they're his true colours he's shown tonight. Maybe i'm just clinging on to the good and forgetting that essentially he's a twat

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 21:18

So this is better for your child how? If they are an anxious child, how is this helping? I'm being straight forward. As this is about you and your love for him. If you'll get over him.

What about your child's long term issues? Ask him to leave see a solicitor. Hand wringing won't help. Neither will it be helping your child. The whole they can't cope with change thing. It will be a damn site better than living in a house full of anxiety.

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:23

I don't know where to find the emotional of mental strength.

Really, I don't know where to start. He would make my life hell, I know he would

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Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:26

or not of

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Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 21:28

Well it seems that your life isn't that great anyway? Especially your dds. You allude to your child having "issues" which makes change etc hard.

Imagine how her anxiety levels must be with the constant atmosphere, arguing and yelling. That's where you'll find your strength to kick him out amd get to the cab for free advice.

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:33

It's hopeless. I suffer from anxiety and depression which can be, at time, severe and I just don't know how i'll cope either way.

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Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:35

God i'm pathetic

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Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 21:41

Which will be much worse living with a liar and someone who treats you like shit.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's not easy to leave the bastard and you should do what people off the Internet say.

But I guess, you've been on here hand wringing for two days, when what is that going to achieve? At first you say it's not going to change for your dds benefit. Well this situqtion, will be damaging her no? Yelling parents, a liar of a dad, a mum who is always accusing him of cheating, a dad shouting at her. A child with anxiety disorders, will be destroyed with such am upbringing. With all due respect all the hand wringing in the world won't help her. It's because you love him and don't actually want to change the situation, so you won't. It will continue as it has done for 3 years as neither of you will change. So I'm not sure what advice you want? Just somewhere to shout? Vent? What about your child? She's been yelled at all night, is she ok?

Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 21:41

Should not do *

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:49

No she hasn't been yelled at all night. Me and dp went out(we live with my folks) Im not saying that she never hears us argue, but she never sees us like we have been tonight.

Forgive me, but what do you mean by "it will continue for 3 years"? Have I read that wrong or misinterpreted?

Yes, I guess I am venting. I'm feeling absolutely terrible right now. Of course I want advice, but i'm on such a downer atm, i'm finding it difficult to think that anything will work or help.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:50

and I do want to change the situation. Who would want to be in a situation lik this. It feels like hell

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Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 21:53

Ahh I missread apologies. It was the he yells a dd all the time.

Thing is, something you forgave him for 3 years ago. You keep chucking in his face and picking like a scab. It's never going to stop.

He lies all the time, and it seems your own words yells at you and dd all the time and treats you like shit.

You come on begging and asking how you would leave him as you can't do it anymore.

But you don't actually want to leave him do you? It's just a vent isn't it. That's what I'm trying to clarify.

Original poster
summerholshell · 02/08/2012 21:58

Why do you think I don't want to leave him? Because i'm venting? What would be the point in me coming on somewhere like this if i'd already made up my mind. It would be pointless wouldn't it.

In all honesty no, I don't want to leave him. I want him to change, but that probably isn't going to happen. That's where i'm at

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 02/08/2012 22:01

So, if you don't think he's going to change. You need to decide when your cut off is and why. Then make plans. See the cab, start working out benefits etc.

Set an ultimatum with him, have your own line in the sand of when enough is enough.