Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

That sad birthday detail had slipped my mind, RedMolly..

You've gone v quiet lala hope youre ok and just busy and not that you don't want to come on here because you've been trying to play happy families.

Tbh even if that's the reason la la has gone quiet, it's her thread and we should respect that.it can take years to get out of abusive relationships

Am ok. Not playing happy families. Just feeling like crap and very physically & emotionally tired. Hospital yday with dtd as a follow up to her fit. They are Concerned re her UTI. Got to have a bladder & kidney scan. Tested her urine again & still infected - consultant rang at 7pm tonight and asked if i could pop down to children's ward to pick up some antibiotics. Bless bless the man - I said if I needed to I would get the 3 dc into the car but was just putting them to bed - could it wait til morning and he went to the ward himself, picked up the prescription and dropped it round tonight amazing man. So am worried about dtd.
Also can't believe have spoken to a police/refuge place and my life means I have to do that.
Am just feeling a bit low and crap. Know next move is mine. Know it will be a battle and I'm not ready yet . Sorry

You don't have to apologise to any of .bless you to have so much on again x

Sorry to hear your baby girl still has a UTI. They can make a person feel so sick all over. Hope you get a good nght's sleep tonight.

Lala, I am thinking of you and poor DTD tonight.

It is really hard to see your life 'reduced' to the level of talking to a refuge and to the police. I hope you can take heart all the same -- you are getting yourself into position to be in a better place one day. Hope you are also encouraged by the people there taking you seriously.

xxx

Sorry to hear about DTD, didn't know she'd had a fit? That must have been terrifying. So hard when you've not got the support of a loving DH either. Thinking of you Lala, you have so much on your plate. xxx

What a great guy to do that for you! Dare we compare this gesture to the usual support you get from you know who?

You never need to apologise Lala - its a tough, tough path that you are on and its a wonder you are still standing !!! Hope dtd is on the mend and you are getting support from someone.

Oh honey that post made me feel so sad for you. That arsehole should have been a real father & collected the antibiotics not an overworked NHS doctor! He has done more to care for your baby than her own father!!

Hiya Lala, I've just been catching up with your thread. I am sorry to her about your DT's infection. I hope the antibiotics help.

I just wanted to repeat what Blackcurrents said. You have been unlucky in your partner, not all men are like your H. Most will behave as her's , you know.

Also, I think you are struggling with the worry about how you are going to cope on your own. All I can say is that you are already coping quite well on your own. If you leave H in fact it will all become easier because you won't have to deal with him or look after him or make allowances for him. You shouldn't question your ability to be a single mother, because you already effectively one now and you manage.

I hope DTs sleep well.

Thankyou all for your lovely messages. To be fair to H not sure why i should be! he wasn't back yet when I spoke to the Dr - he was away all last week with work and not home til 8pm Friday night.
Hopefully the antibiotics will kick the uti into touch. DTs both got colds now, though, and are snuffling away next to me!

Take care Lala and hope you are all on the mend soon xx

Catching up after holiday...sorry to see that you are still having a rubbish time, amazing how random acts of kindness by a stranger give you some perspective to your situation...take care x

Hi Lala. Sorry to hear about your DTD being ill and of course it's too much to think about anything else when your focus is on ensuring she gets better.

I haven't logged in for a bit and I just want to say how much the tone of your recent posts has changed! You seem much more confident and assertive - that's really great to see. I'm sure that one day soon, when your DTD is better, you will have the confidence to get your solicitor to draft a letter and get the divorce/separation rolling.

Can I share with you something my younger DS said to me last week? We've been on a 3 week, 3 country jaunt round Europe by train. Everything went well until the very end when I managed to get us on the Paris metro in the wrong direction not once, but twice!! So I said "Silly Mummy", laughed at myself and walked around to buy tickets for the other direction. My son said that I must be a very positive person, because if that had been Daddy he would have been really cross, shouted and swore at us and made everything miserable for the rest of the day. It made me remember the times when we were all creeping around trying to placate XH because he'd gone ballistic about some stupid, tiny little thing.

I can't tell you how liberating it is not to have to live like that anymore. I know it's horrible to have to be "the dumper". I resisted being the dumper for a long time too. But you can do it, because you are strong and you will do what is (regrettably) the best for your children. x

Hi Lala,
How's your poorly little girl? I hope she's on the mend and you're getting enough rest.
x

Hoping the ABs have done their job over the weekend..

zxcv -- I have eerily similar memories.

Hi all. Dtd seems good. Sits there smiling with a runny nose whereas dts clearly had 'man flu' and is very poorly with the same cold! V interesting to see the differences.
Wrt H - started a couple of long posts and deleted each time as I'm bored of typing same old same old. Suffice to say he went out drinking last night (6-11) and has been hungover, grumpy & useless all day. Guilt has him now offering to buy the big fridge I'm after so my scruples are going out of the window and I'm going to get one this week. See a solicitor Wednesday. Need to get my head round the fact there will never be a 'good time'
Zx - that is sooooo my H too - there really must be a training school somewhere!!!

Hey too right get the fridge off him

Glad you are going to a solicitor to check your options.

Baby steps......

Hi. H seemed to have a productive counselling session on his own yesterday. He is doing some of the Lundy list incl accepting he has been abusive and working on ways to change his behaviour. He hasn't fully apologised and taken full responsibility though, and that is most important. He said he was going to work on himself and was trying to accept that, once he was sorted out, I may or may not want him.
Girls (hope it's ok to call you all that!), I do now understand why you say to get him out ASAP. Whilst here he is messing with my head - pissed as a fart Sunday night, grumpy and moody Monday, hubbie and father of the year Tuesday (I was out with dc and got a text saying 'hi, is there anything I can prep to make your return easier?' - I mean WTF????!).
But... Can they change?! I saw the same Q on the EA thread and the consensus seemed to be that they could - but for how long? One poster said her H had changed for 2 years and been amazing - then it started again. I know I will only know with hindsight but I can't bear the thought of in 2 years being back to square 1 again.
See????? This is how confused I am after just one day of him being what appeared genuine and wanting to change.
Bugger. Solicitor this afternoon. I just want all my ducks in a row for when I'm ready to press 'go'.
Think I need to get Lundy book back from my friend (for safekeeping when H swapped the bedrooms around whilst I was away) and start it again.
Uuggghhhhhh what if he does/can change??? Does that change how I feel? I don't know. When I talked timescales with the counsellor she said if I wanted to see if he had changed it would take time - more than a couple of months. And here I am, DTs 8 months old already.
He isn't being abusive/vile/swearing atm. It's not an unhealthy atmosphere. Am I trying to justify? Probably. Aaaagggghhhh

Lala it is good that he is seeking to change, but he is still an alcoholic & until THAT is addressed too, it is all just lip service & designed to trick you into giving him another chance.

See????? This is how confused I am after just one day of him being what appeared genuine and wanting to change.

He's still messing with your head and confusing you. Your children will be able to sense that. I'm sorry Lala, but that's still an unhealthy atmosphere.

It seems to me that the patterns seems to be that he's concerned and caring on the day of his therapy. This continues for a couple of days. Then the weekend looms, and so does the prospect of alcohol. He undoes all his good/manipulative work by going out and getting hammered then being hungover and useless for the rest of the weekend. A day of being neutral/non-committal, and then it's back to therapy...

...you're the only one who can break this cycle, Lala. As has been mentioned in earlier posts, nothing has changed for him. You've threatened separation, but it's not really happened, not for him. Until you put your foot down and say it's time for him to leave, he won't stand on his own two feet and have to change.

Also, once he leaves, there's the possibility he could change 100% for the better. (I'm not saying it'll happen, I'm just saying it's a chance). You may want to try again, you may find that even after that, what he's done to you and your children is too hard to get over. My point is, he won't change until something major happens to force him into it. Going to counselling once a week and sending you a text or two just isn't enough.

Have you thought of it this way? You are enabling him by letting him stay & doing this cycle of behaviour? If you made him leave & he truly hit rock bottom he would HAVE to change one way or another. Then things would be clearer for both of you.

Midwife has it spot on. If you told him to get out while he changed, you would very quickly see how serious he is about becoming a decent father and husband.

Sadly, lala, I think the main reason you don't want to tell him to go is that because you absolutely know that if you do, he won't do anything at all to become the man you need to be and he'll be gone forever.

Surely this should be your absolutely biggest red flag about whether or not you should continue this relationship?

I don't mean this in a shouty way, but I just want it bold and big so you can remember it:

HE WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO DO SO, AND EVEN THEN, YOU MUST ACCEPT THE POSSIBILITY THAT HE WON'T

He is in your house, still around you and still around your DC, yet able to do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants just by throwing in a couple of half-decent days and some perfunctory comments every few days about maybe being different in the future.

This is the very definition of HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT

Spot on NoWay