Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

Your DH's behaviour is disgusting.

I am still lurking, still willing you on.

Just emotionally cut him out of your life now, Lala. What he does from today onwards is up to him, it's no longer a part of you. Don't wait for responses from him about anything, just get on and live YOUR life, the rest of your life. x

It's done woo hoo!! Gosh I feel relieved.
All quite calm. Talked finances a bit (although he wants to know too much!). Where he would move to.
All my fault of course - shutting him out and driving him to drink but...
I think it's done this time. I think he gets it. As long as I keep mentioning it I think it'll sink in
And all after he came and bathed the children with me for the first time ever!

WHERE he goes is no your problem but WHEN he goes definately is.
Strike while the iron is hot and get him out asap. He may have "got it" but he seems to still be playing dad of the year. I wouldn't be surprised if he still hopes it will blow over in the next few days.
Any chance of him staying away when he goes away tomorrow?

Lala, good but for it to be 'done', he has to physically go. Tomorrow. Don't get involved in where he goes, that's his problem. Just insist he has to go, immediately. No more of his delaying tactics.

Lala, well done. You've taken a huge step tonight, a big step in the right direction. Keep the momentum going, get papers drawn up with solicitor, find out your rights and what you're entitled to because your H certainly won't tell you or make anything easier for you and the kids. Can you get some RL support, family maybe? Be kind to yourself, keep the momentum going and don't let things slip back into the old routine (he'll be hoping to come home as normal on Thursday - make sure there's a paper with the flats to rent section waiting for him).

You should be proud of yourself Lala, you're taking charge of your life at last.

My solicitor said the best thing would be to ask him for copies of his latest bank statements and payslips in order to work out finances, but H hasn't clicked that there's no way I'd ask to separate without knowing my rights doesn't know I've already seen 2 and spoken to a further 2 on the phone one.
So, what will make H realise I'm serious is me to have a solicitors appt booked for next week to draw up separation agreement, and ask him for his bank statements and payslips.
I can't go this week as I can't sort childcare but I should be able to next week.
We have to sort how much money he gives me before he knows how much he has available to rent although of course he could afford somewhere bigger or nicer if he didn't piss and smoke so much up the wall!
He won't stay here, he will move 30-50 minutes away to where he has lived before.
We talked for about an hour last night - mainly finances/practicalities/blaming me for everything. Not once did he ask about arrangements to see the dc or access. Not once

Lala - WELL DONE! That is the worst over with. It is incredible that he blames you - it is beyond reason - you have SUFFERED on your own bringing up three little ones who had to be your priority and SHOULD have been his. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS ROT - because that is what it is is ... rot... designed to nibble away at you until you give in. He is a grown man who has been making HIS choices through all of this. HE embraced the drinking and chose to deal with his own inabilities by using this crutch rather than using a perfectly good partnership to help him him cope. YOU MUST shut your ears to this drivel.

But again - well done you! This shows what a strong and capable woman you are - the world is your oyster now.......

Sending much love and support as it is possible to do in this online environment!!!!

Well done Lala. But I would go through the paperwork while he is away and get together as much financial paperwork as you can. Just in case he tries to hide the information.

Make sure you get his pension details as well

He's just too predictable. Blaming you, not bothering to ask about access... What a piece of work he is. Totally agree with getting all your paperwork together (birth certs, passports, medical books, bank statements) for your own peace of mind. If he keeps paper statements, photocopy them (6 months worth? A years?), he could make this difficult for you if you wait for him to provide them.

This is the first day of the rest of your life, Lala. It'll be tough at times, but worth it.

Paperwork already boxed and at my friends. I have managed to scan one bank statement and one payslip of his, plus his recent contract with pay rise details on. I do need up to date bank statements and payslips if possible whilst he is away.
I have no idea where his pension details are.

Well do Lala.

Sorry try again.

Well done Lala. The worst bit done.

Oh well done Lala!

The sooner he's out the better. If he wants to continue drinking then that is his choice but he won't be dragging you all down with him.
And doesn't the fact he hasn't asked once about the children and access tell you all you need to know about his selfishness.

Here's hoping he's out before Christmas and if he isn't, get legal advice and stay with family so you get a decent festive period . He probably still thinks you will go back to doing what you have been doing all year. Being properly apart may help him grow up.

oh bravo, Lala the hero!

Tell your family that it's over and he's moving out. Make it public so that (1) you get the support you need and (2) he can't weasel his way into ignoring what you say, do, and feel like he usually does.

Oh well done!

Well done Lala, keep up the momentum now! You will be so much more settled without him.

Well done lala. You cannot even begin to imagine how happy I am to see this development.

Gosh I'm so glad you've all posted. Was having a wobble!
H just left, huge hug, I had a few tears and he said 'there's got to e another way. I'm not leaving until you kick me out! In going to keep trying to change your mind'
I said 'I don't think you can' (note to self - not assertive enough!)
Anyway he's gone and asked for the letter to read whilst he's away. At least that will make it clear to him.
Last night he kept saying I had shut him out and I hadn't got a decent reply for him then. Today I keep thinking 'well you were a drunken abusive twat of course I shut you out! You ranted at me for 10 minutes for being a 'fucking useless cow' because you were too pissed to find your toothbrush when we were on holiday. The next night I had moved it into plain view and so got ranted at again for moving the toothbrush!' and by ranted I mean 'you fucking stupid bitch. Where the fuck is the fucking toothbrush? Can't you fucking put anything anywhere? Fucking cow' etc etc repeat ad infinitum.

My letter doesn't say any of that because I'd forgotten it. Most of it really. It's just coming back to me in kind of flashbacks at the moment.

He hasn't been like that for months though. But he's still been drunk. And useless.

It's over.
and it's ok for me to grieve for the end of my marriage and the family I so so wanted. But I have my amazing children and nothing can take them away from me

Lala

We will be here to support you, hold your hand whenever you need us.

When he starts again and he will, keep repeating to him that it to late and you won't discuss it other then to talk about the practical matters re the divorce and children.

Oh Lala well done you! He is still trying to pull a fast one isn't he. Making it as difficult as possible. Everything he is doing is abusive at the moment. He isn't doing the whole "I'm not leaving until you kick me out!" because he is particularly distraught but to make it harder for you. He won't stop with the manipulation.

And the account of the toothbrush is heart-breaking. Really nasty awful stuff. Keep remembering this stuff when you waver. Keep reading this thread.

Repeat: He is a controlling, manipulative, drunken abuser.

Even if he sobers up he will still be a controlling manipulative abuser.

Well done resisting the wobble! It is absolutely okay to grieve the end of the marriage and the family you so wanted, but remember, it's all on him. He was the abusive drunk (who sounds worse and worse the more you let yourself remember, tbh) and he was the one who wouldn't listen, or change. He's not good enough for the marriage or family you want and deserve, Lala, and you and your children deserve better.

He's a useless drunk. Drunks can't be trusted to do anything but get drunk and destroy things. Don't trust him, don't give him any more chances, if he says "I won't go until you kick me out" then take him at his word and kick him out.

And tell your family, please, if you think they're not the 'stick together whatever happens' type. You need to tell someone - a supportive friend, your mum - because you need back up, now, to make it actually happen.

He won't leave unless you kick him out, eh? Looks like you'll have to take him at his word. He's goading you, he doesn't think you're being serious about the separation. I bet he thinks you're going to spend the next couple of days distraught and thinking you've made a terrible mistake, and when he strolls in on Thursday you'll be weeping at his feet, begging him to stay. Silly man.

You've got two days of peace and space now, make the most of it. Please please please tell your family and friends - make it real. It's too easy to keep it inside your four walls, like a bubble, but if this is going to happen and if he's ever going to realise you really do mean business, your families have got to know. His family is his responsibility, but please do tell yours. You will need their love and support, especially if when he turns nasty.

If you feel a wobble coming on - post here! Just because you've taken this huge step doesn't mean we're all going to go "oh well done Lala, byeeee!". You're at the beginning of a long road, but you are not on your own.

My mum & dad know. I'm seeing two good friends tomorrow night, so they will know and another good friend reads this so she will know.
Feel like a bit of a hypocrite though as I will be having a large glass of wine tonight!

Lala

There is nothing wrong with having a 'large' glass of wine once in a while, as you know.

Enjoy yourself tomorrow, your deserve it.

Well done, Lala! I've been lurking in several of your threads - couldn't add any advice better than you were getting already.

So glad you've done it! But also sad for you that your marriage didn't work out as you'd hoped - you are definitely entitled to grieve for that...just remember how much easier it'll be now you no longer have to tread on eggshells all the time.

Well done again!

Hello again Lala - sorry I have been MIA on this thread.

Needless to say this is all good news and I hope you enjoy your glass of wine.

The next bit will be starting to pack his belongings and backing up the hard drive - get an external hard drive and back up everything from your computers. You never know what 'accident' might befall your financial records/pension and mortgage info otherwise. Don't underestimate this man's ability to turn his self pity into a plan of action. He has already hinted that he would make you all destitute by going on the dole. That wasn't playing nice.

I think your H is probably poring over your letter right now, looking for a foot in the door again. Now that you have spoken, do not repeat yourself or answer any more questions or comments of his unless they are about when and where he will be moving to. Anything else (blaming you, pouring scorn on your feelings, etc) gets the response 'I'm sorry you feel that way'.

I still feel you need to get your parents involved in finding him a list of possible cheap bedsits to move to and pinning him down to a specific date within a certain timeframe depending on availability for occupancy of the cheapest possible place. It might speed things up somewhat to have the third party involved, and the new Thinking Only Of Her Own Convenience And Peace Of Mind Lala needs to see things less from the pov of the H's dignity or wounded pride and more of her own need to get this all cleared up and settled asap. No matter what the situation is wrt financial support, the cheapest bedsit is the place to start for him. He can trim his sails afterwards according to the wind but there is logically no other place to go but the cheapest place.

He will try delaying discussion and evading the issue of a date and destination, and he will make himself 'unavailable for comment' by drinking as he has done up to now (deliberately I think). Do not underestimate his capacity for just digging in his heels, folding his arms and effectively saying 'Make me' when push comes to shove. That is why you need backup imo. Maybe rope in his sister who seemed to be making sympathetic noises earlier. It would be harder for him to brazenly deny reality if he was dealing with people other than you. (Not a damning comment about you but more a comment on the dynamic that he has created here).