Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

How did it go last night, Lala?

Well if this wasn't my life it would be hilarious. He refused to read it. Said 'I'm not reading that tonight. I don't want to talk tonight'
I just wasn't remotely prepared for that.
I went and had my bath. Came down. He had cooked a roast. We ate whilst watching X Factor. Strained. He's working from home today. Still strained.
Do you think he knows what's in it and he doesn't want to face it? Or is he just being a bastard control freak and not wanting to talk when I do?!
So I felt like a numpty really. All psyched up for it. Said 'I'm going to have a bath now so here's this for you to read - I've written down how I feel like I told you I would'. I was shaking. And he threw it down the side of the sofa and said he wouldn't read it now'
I moved it and later on he asked where it was. I said id moved it. He asked why. I said I wanted to know when he was reading it. He said probably Tuesday night (he's away).
I don't think it's a good idea for him to read it when he's away though do you?

Gosh Lala, this man's ability to evade and manipulate you is just extraordinary.

I can see why it is important to you to write out your experiences and put in black and white just how much he has hurt you and the DCs... but I wouldn't expect to get much back from him, whenever he reads it (or doesn't read it).

Can you arrange a meeting with a solicitor and get all the legal work of separation under way? He won't be able to evade that.

I have a solicitor I am really happy with. I am beginning to contemplate getting him involved. If H won't listen to me I won't have a choice

Don't leave it till to tomorrow. He will just throw it away with out reading while he is away.

You need to get angry and show him your anger. Make him read it in front of you. If he refuses turn it back on him. Tell him that he once again you to write down how you feel and he is giving nothing in return.

He doesn't want to read it, because once he does and see you see him for what he is, he won't be able to manipulate you.

Or you could just go to a solicitor and start the legal path to get him out of your home and life.

Lala you do not need his permission to divorce.
You have given him the opportunity to read what you needed him to hear. He treated it with contempt. And you.
He knew exactly what was in it. In fact he probably read it while you we're in the bath. He's playing for time so he can figure out how to get the upper hand.
Up to you what you do next. Not us. Not him. You.

Good luck :)

You poured your heart and soul out to him on paper. You put your heart on that paper.

He threw it down the seatee and refused to even look at it.

I think that sums up your relationship from what you've written here lala. Kick him out and pour your love into people and things that are going to appreciate you.

How could he possibly come back from this?

Hi it was in a sealed envelope so he hasn't read it.
One thing I fail to understand in all of this is where my anger is. My mum and my friend have both said to various things 'if he was my h I would knock his block off/go mad' etc
I don't know why I can't get angry

You've been trained by him for years to not get angry with him.

It only now you have you're children you can see him for the man he is.

wheredidi I start the freedom programme in January - will that he'll do you think?
handbag that's exactly it! I spent 3 days on that letter then agonised over giving it in the right way and he shat all over it!

Will that help that should have said!

I hope it will help, Lala, but throughout this long thread you have been looking for a hero to save you from this marriage. You hoped the counsellor would call it abusive and tell you to leave. You wondered if your family would do something. Now you're hoping the letter will do it.

The thing is, there's no caped crusader coming to whirl you away from this shitty situation. No Dumbledore who is going to wave a wand and say: you must go now, you have permission to leave.

You have to be the hero you need. You have to do all the long, hard slog of a divorce. You have to go, or throw him out, and risk being cast as the baddie. You have to stop caring what others thing and start caring about what you know: that he is a vile, abusive drunk who doesn't care about you and is a threat to the happiness and potentially health of you and your children.

YOU have to be the hero. No one is coming to save you. You have to do it.

i'm really, really, really sorry that this is true. But it is. Only you can save yourself and your children. No one else. So how long all this goes on for, is really up to you. I wish I could wave a wand or dispatch ALL of the Avengers to do it for you - but I can't. Only you can save you and your children from this situation. Only you can give yourself permission to end it. Only you can get out of this.

I really hope that the freedom programme will prove that you have done everything and more to make your marriage work, and that there is nothing more you can do.

And even more so that your husband is nothing more then a bully.

Have you got copies of the letter? He doesn't have the only copy of that final version, I mean? Otherwise he might try to destroy it.

That response tells you everything.

He's a coward unfortunately and an avoider of anything remotely difficult.

He doesn't want to face it, so he's choosing not to.

I think you've been brave in getting to this point and it sounds like it might get harder. I know you don't want to chuck him out - so what happens when he won't go? Is this when the solicitor comes in handy?

Lala, I'm am so angry for you, and I can't even begin to imagine how hurt you must be, having seen yet again the contempt and disgust he has for you and your marriage.

He is absolutely playing for time, trying to think of a way to lure you back in or keep you guessing. It's been strained today, you said. What's the bets tomorrow he'll either be horrible to you to keep you on edge, or (and this is where my money lies), he'll be 100% Disney Dad/Husband, playing with the kids and making an effort with you, to make you say "just forget reading that letter, it doesn't matter" trying as you do to keep the peace, not upset the apple cart, keep him sweet. It's not a criticism - I know just how much you've wanted your marriage to be successful, and how much you want him to change and be the husband and father you believed he'd be. He just can't stop letting you down though, he can't help himself. You know, I think he's enjoying himself. Seeing how emotional he can make you, how he can make any situation on edge, and then how he can change it all with just a meagre effort, like clearing up toys or playing with your DD.

You've tried everything. It's time to bring the solicitors in. He can't ignore legal proceedings.

Yes, I did the letter on the pc and printed it off for him so I have a copy.
blackcurrant you are spot on. Thankyou. I know. I need to find my big girls pants from somewhere!

Thankyou Panda. yes he's been helpful today even though es working from home (well more helpful than usual) in fact - brace yourselves he even CHANGED A NAPPY!.
he really is bringing in the big guns!!
Thankfully he's away tomorrow and Wednesday so I need to try and say something tonight and then I get 2 day peace!

^yes he's been helpful today even though es working from home (well more helpful than usual) in fact - brace yourselves he even CHANGED A NAPPY!.
he really is bringing in the big guns!!^

SWEET LORD ABOVE. Is he feeling well? Has he strained himself with the gargantuan effort of swapping a dirty nappy for a clean nappy? Perhaps he needs a lie down...

He's really, really, really predictable now Lala. The second you show any sign of strength or rebellion, he puts on a big show of being helpful around the house. He'll be back on Thursday, back to drinking and moodiness and being an arse, I bet, and he'll be sure you'll be too unnerved to confront him.

Love, you've been posting these threads for almost a year, and from the beginning all you've wanted is for him to sit down and have an honest discussion with you, and for him to listen - really listen to how you feel - and try to change his behaviour. He's never bothered. The time for talking things through is over - god, it was over six months ago. Now's the time to be your own hero, to give yourself the permission you've been seeking all this time. You've got to take control of your own life, once and for all.

well Lala if you put them on over your tights, you'll be pre-dressed as the Hero that I know you are, deep down!

You can do it. You don't want to, it's not fair that you have to, etc etc.
But you can.

You can leave this nasty, cruel, selfish, abusive drunk and raise your children without the shadow of his neglect or outright violence. All three of you can be happy, free from him.

You can do it.

Good God! What an arse he really is!! This is just another demonstration of him having control over you - he is making YOU WAIT until he is good and ready to look at the this letter. His casual dismissal of it is him saying, " I know this letter is important to you but I m not going to take it or you seriously".

I would take it as job done - don't let him dictate the timeline here, don't WAIT until Tuesday - you know he will just find another reason not to read it. Tomorrow morning I would calmly TELL him that you are making an appointment to see the solicitor to start proceedings. Don't get into a discussion. If he says" okay I will read the letter" then calmly inform him that the opportunity for that or for taking any of this seriously is now past. I would say that he is welcome to read the letter if he wishes but that it is pretty irrelevant to you if he does or he doesn't as he has clearly demonstrated how unimportant that letter was to him.

Have you got it electronically? You could always email it to him at a later date. I would also leave the copy you have in a prominent place for him to access but I would make no mention of it again.

You can't get angry because that would mean a confrontation and I am sure that deep down you know you are scared of him and his reaction. He has made you compliant and biddable to him. You have to realise that you need nothing from him to move this forward - you are absolutely free to just walk away and never have to speak to him again if you don't want to. This does not need a 'conversation' or a confrontation for it to be over - it just needs you to physically do it.

secret has a point.

You need to pack a bag and leave. Or pack his bags and lock the door (then call the police).

That's it.

Here's what I suspect: I think he knows. I think he knows just about everything that is in your letter. I just don't think he cares. And to show you how little he cares, he does nothing.

But that's okay, because you don't need him to care. You don't need him to agree that this marriage is over, that he's been appalling, that you deserve better. You don't need his help or permission. You can just pack a bag, bundle up your children, and GO. Or even better, pack his and tell him to go. You can do that. You don't need him to agree. You just need to DO IT.

This does not need a 'conversation' or a confrontation for it to be over - it just needs you to physically do it.

I agree with everything Secret and Blackcurrants have said. He knows every word of what's in your letter, Lala. He may be cruel, but he's not stupid, he can't not know how he's made you feel. He simply doesn't care. He doesn't believe that your needs and feelings are important enough to warrant any sort of reaction or effort to change from him. He is the king of his castle, and you and the children are part of the furniture, little annoyances that get in the way of his one true joy - alcohol.

The time for conversation, for "talking things through", for getting things sorted out is over, Lala. He's never going to give you the time or attention you want to discuss your marriage. It's not important to him. You have got to get things started and you do not need his permission to do so. You don't. No-one is holding this back but yourself. I know you'll come back with "but it doesn't feel right/he should be able to have a say in the decision" - love, his "say" is his apathy, his ignorance, his contempt of you, your children, your marriage. He's taking action by being a colossal fuckwit. You're the only one standing still, waiting for something intangible to come along and sort things out for you or to tell you explicitly that you're allowed to leave him. You're an adult, you are allowed to leave this relationship. Do it.

Lala, the situation with the letter is like a microcosm of the whole relationship. You pour blood, sweat and tears into it and he casually dismisses it. It's as simple as this. He doesn't care.

He. Doesn't. Care.

You keep waiting and waiting for the right time to have this conversation, get his feedback, his explanation, his proposal for the future, his answer, his input....

It's never coming. The future is this. This is it. This is all he has. He isn't going to co-operate or help with the breakup any more than he did with the marriage. I had a similar situation with an ex (also an alcoholic) and it took me some time to realise this. It doesn't matter what you say, what you write. He doesn't want to hear it. Look at his actions, or rather lack of action to see the truth.

There is nothing coming. He has nothing for you. You're jigging around trying to elicit a reaction, co-operation, something, anything but it will always be 'mañana, mañana' with him. It's the only card he has to play and he will play it as long as you let him. He doesn't want the current situation to end, why would he?

He'll never have it this good again and he knows that. If he can keep stringing you along, he will. Forever.

Lala ? I just wanted to say ? you?ve bent over backwards to treat him fairly: ?no I won?t kick him out, he co-owns the house, that doesn?t sit right with me?, ?I won?t get my parents round while I end my marriage, I am an adult, I need to do it myself.? I can understand why, it?s because you are a decent, fair person, and if you are ending your marriage you want to give him some dignity.

The problem is, he?s neither decent nor fair, so he won?t engage with you when you try to act decently. So you end up on the back foot. I really urge you to get a support team round (i.e. your parents) so that they can back you up while you end it. It will be much easier for you to find your voice when you have them there willing you on.

The fact that a father of three small children changing one nappy is worthy of comment is just gobsmacking. You deserve much better.

Lala - I have lurked on your threads for months now. Please tell him to go, pack a bag for him if need be. Don't wait for him to talk to you, he never will. You deserve better but as Blackcurrants says you need to do this, no one else can do it for you and your children. Please Lala