Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

Denying reality = insisting that your feelings don't matter. It would be very hard for him to do this if there are others present who take your feelings seriously and expect him to.

He has got away with this for a long, long time and I think he knows what he has been doing, hence the birthday gesture on your birthday.

Hi math
Heehee I have already backed up my pc onto an external hard drive and stashed the hard drive at a friends!
I know what you mean about involving his sister. It makes sense I just don't know if I can do it. If he would only say a little something to her to start it off I'd happily 'fill in the blanks' with her but I speak to her so rarely I just don't feel right (yet) calling her out of the blue.
I have managed to get Octobers payslip scanned tonight but he hasn't opened his bank statement so I couldn't get that.
Wine is going down nicely! Am soooo tired, I was so shouty and snappy with ddddc this evening - mixture of screamy DTs and poorly DD plus stressed me! Thankyou for keeping me going

I'm off for an early night tonight - shattered! Was up from 12:30am-3am because of my painkillers' side effects, grr. Hope you're enjoying your peace and quiet and your wine - you deserve it! I absolutely love that you have a lot of the important stuff stashed at your friend's house too! Have a cosy evening, try to sleep well and I hope tomorrow is the first of many happy days for you and DC.

Lala - great to see such support from total strangers - did you get a micro inch of such support from him when you needed it??? No! Imagine a pair of scales and honestly dump the good and the bad on to it - what do you see??

Well done Lala. You will do great. Hope you enjoyed the wine.

Just came on to say goodnight/good morning, Lala, and I hope you had a good night's sleep. Keep on keeping on, and I think math 's plan for getting your parents onside to help him move out will be immeasurably helpful for helping YOU move on.
He will drag his heels, whine, cry, shout, threaten, and do all he can to make this horrible for you. Be prepared, be steely, and be the hero!

The wine was lovely, but one normal sized glass was all I could manage!
so, when H arrived at his destination yday I got a lovely text from him, hoping we were all ok, saying he'd left me some cash in the kitchen, and that he hadn't read the letter yet... So no meltdown yet!...'
I texted back I would wait for the meltdown and nothing since...
In a way it's good he hasn't immediately either started a counter attack or something but I hate the no reaction.
Oh well, I guess I just have to hope it sinks in. I keep wondering if it will trigger memories of how he felt about his father and whether that's a good or bad thing?

Morning Lala

It doesn't matter if it does trigger memories of his father for him, it not an excuse to treat you and your dc badly. Many people have bad childhood and still able to be good parents.

when H arrived at his destination yday I got a lovely text from him, hoping we were all ok, saying he'd left me some cash in the kitchen, and that he hadn't read the letter yet... So no meltdown yet!...'
I texted back I would wait for the meltdown and nothing since...
In a way it's good he hasn't immediately either started a counter attack or something but I hate the no reaction.

Remember, this is all premeditated. He knows exactly what he's doing, he knows that by giving you no reaction to your letter you'll be left guessing, your imagination will go wild and when he gets back on Thursday you'll be so keen to know his reaction that you'll not want to discuss his move. He may even be happy to have yet another long convoluted talk about HIS feelings, HIS reaction to your letter, how HE feels he treated you, how HE feels he was treated by you... Anything to avoid getting the separation finalised.

Please use the next few days to get the divorce papers sorted so you can get on with getting a settlement, before he becomes too bitter.

YY to what "FiercePanda* said, lala.

Every single move of his is (as it ALWAYS has been) totally calculated to keep on the back foot and keep you guessing.

What he thinks of the letter is totally and utterly irrelevant. You've made your feelings known, and that's most important thing.

Stop waiting for him to understand how you feel and magically come to his senses. It ain't going to happen.

Finalise everything while he's gone, take your important documents to a solicitor, scan everything you can get your hands on, and finalise a date (WITHOUT YOUR H's PERMISSION) for him to move out. Preferably before Christmas otherwise he will ruin yet another one for you and your DC.

Yes. I think you need to make plans for Christmas now. I'd go to your mum's or maybe someone could come to stay. Otherwise this will just drag on, he will drink himself stupid on the sofa and you will be running round doing everything. He can go and stay with family and you can arrange a meet up to see the children.

He will be assuming that things will go on as normal over Christmas. By making definite arrangements this will prove to him you are serious more than any e mail, letter or counselling.

Oh god yes, get him out before Christmas, or he will be making you as unhappy as he possibly can and using the holiday as an excuse to get wankered.

His reaction doesn't matter, Lala - you've made your decision. Now use this time as a respite from his manipulation, and get a plan together to get him OUT!

Echoing the good advice you've been given that he needs to leave before Christmas. You do not deserve to spend your and your children's Christmas watching and worrying about his alcohol intake, which will be excessive "because its Christmas" and you do not deserve to be made to feel like a nag, misery or controlling cow for daring to suggest that he should not get pissed. Alternatively, he could use the opportunity to play Disney dad, which is manipulative of your children
You all deserve better

Glad you've taken action Lala.

"Fucking useless cow."

Why can't you get angry with him? Is it self-preservation do you think - that he'd kick off even more if you did?

There's probably some self preservation there - but it's like the 'anger switch' has been turned off and I can't access that emotion.
I and dc are going to mum's for Christmas. He can come if he likes but that's what I'm doing - and we shall probably stay a couple of nights. Should he want to stay he can - on the dining room floor! I very much doubt he will but, on the other hand, going to his sisters without us may be something he doesn't want to do either.
By the time he's back this week, it's less than 3 weeks til Xmas and it's DTs birthday just before. I'm not chucking him out before then. He is working very hard, is away all next week and he has very little time to look. January is fine by me - I would like him gone by the end of Jan at the latest.

Glad you have plans for christmas Lala. As you say if he away for most of the week until christmas you won't have to see him anyway.

Give him a date to be sorted and gone by.

It will be much easier for you to cope now you have a timeline in mind.

Hurrah! I'm so relieved you've finally done it, Lala.

The business with encouraging you to put your feelings in a letter and then refusing to read it is perverse...texting you to say he hasn't read it yet is even more perverse...but as others have said: it really shouldn't matter to you anymore. Whether he reads it or not, understands it or not, wants to debate it or not, is a waste of time at this point.

Keep focussed on your goal of a happy life for you and the DCs & make sure you don't use up any of your mental strength and energy focussed instead on him. Probably for the first time in a long time in your relationship, you are in the driving set now - so use that power and keep the momentum up. A solicitor working on a draft divorce petition during December would be a good start. Telling him he needs to have found himself another place to stay (even if it is just a temporary place) by a particular date in January would be another good step in the right direction. Keep it moving. Your H has a lot to win by simple inertia. You don't want him dragging his heels for the next six months.

The end of January.......seriously??????
You're not going to make him leave are you!!!

Perverse is exactly the word for someone who says the main issue is communication yet refuses to read the letter or listen to the words someone else is saying...

My guess is he had read the letter all the same. I would bet money on it and he is just playing games with you.

High fives to you Lala, for taking the initiative wrt the computer, and I urge you to get some sort of potential accommodation list together to present to him when you deliver the news about his departure date. It will be up to him to get somewhere sorted once he knows when you expect his to leave. However, again, I think you will need reinforcements to impress upon him the necessity of actually leaving.

Lala, i've often thought about contributing to your thread. What has stopped me is I'm not confident that I can properly articulate what i went through, what I want to express to you. I don't know if I can but I will try.

I've been EXACTLY where you are now. To other people it looks like slow motion, and it is. My abusive ex is SO LIKE your DH. Intertia, non-action, non-reaction, death by a thousand cuts. I can't actually

sorry, posted too soon. I can't actually articulate how similar my ex was. Deeply manipulative, as I now know. How you focus on his (non)reaction and (non) feedback. I agonised over it. For YEARS. Unlike you I wasted all my fertile years on the man, thank God you have your children.

I still don't have words that can explain how brainwashed I was, everything that happened I tried to be fair. He had me believe he was the hard-done-by one. He begged, manipulated, MADE me stay, TRY to make it all right. It was all a waste of time.

It took me actual YEARS to leave him. Yes, Years. If you ask me how long the relationship was, it was actually longer 'breaking up' than the whole relationship. He damaged me very badly Lala. Like you, I always accounted for, he needs time to find somewhere, work is so busy, he has no money, no friends, no means, yada, yada, yada.

In the end, after about 2 or 3 years I got out. It took me so long to see he didn't give a shit. I was shocked in the end how quick he moved on when it came down to it. There wasn't a bother on him. He played the victim/martyr to the end. To the end Lala, and all that I gave him was my TIME. Like you are giving him your childrens time. Like you it was always Christmas, or some other occasion, as it turned out, his work connections allowed him to start a new life in a moment. He had a backup plan all along, while I agonised in guilt.

I thought all out mutual friends would think I was a bitch, casting him out for nothing, but as it turned out even his own friends wondered what took me so long. It was one of his friends who 'jokingly' said I must have had Stockholm syndrome

I laughed, but actually he wasn't wrong. You get so used to surviving the impossible, being treated like shit that it actually becomes a weird source of pride. You feel responsible for the fucked up persons wellbeing that it becomes automatic! AUTOMATIC!

THANK GOD! I got awy, I met a wonderful man and now have a baby, against all the odds. My ex didn't want kids and nearly pissed all my fertile years away. Lala, what I want to say to you is this. Your childrens precious years will only happen once, this man will squander it all. Destroy it all, he doesn't care about them. You need to realise it's YOU that can save them from his abuse and disrespect. It's your responsibility. You keep wondering what his reaction will be.....you need to stop that. He doesn't give a fuck, your childrens golden years can NOT be wasted. Please don't waste any more time prevaricating, he should NOT be welcome at your parents at Christmas. Now is as good a time as any. Late January is no different till now, twins Birthday should be celebrated with JOY, FREEDOM and SPONTANEITY! not with false duty to their brooding, miserable, resentful 'Father'.

Anyway, get rid of the fucker. You really won't believe how little he gives a shit and how all your care and consideration is really just pearls before swine. No more wasted time Lala. For your children.

Sorry, just thought I better clear up what I meant, when I say it took me 2/3 years to get out, I mean 2/3 years from the point you are at now. Where I thought I could include him in the process/be fair/where he would be mutually part of it. Well, it was a total farce, he strung me along and was totally unreasonable about everything until I realised I actually had to play legal hardball with him to physically escape.

Once I did that things actually moved. The whole relationship was nearly 20 years but it took me about 5 years to break up with him. He did not take me seriously at all, no matter what I said I had to actually get legal with him before he moved. I met him at a party recently and he acted like I was his 'long-lost-love' -it made me want to vomit and I RAN home to my NORMAL man and gorgeous baby!

Please Lala, get the fuck out of there.

What incredible, mind blowing, powerful posts.

You really won't believe how little he gives a shit and how all your care and consideration is really just pearls before swine. No more wasted time Lala. For your children.

Thankyou for sharing that. Very helpful. I can completely see what you mean - you have articulated very well.
I heed to make a solicitors appt for next week and get a fixed date in my head. 20th Jan.
He's read the letter now - says he's bruised & battered. I said it wasn't written to hurt him, I just started writing how I felt and it all came out. He sent back 'good for you?'
Now, whilst I get he is 'bruised & battered', that letter was in the main how he made me feel. no mention of that is there? No 'oh my goodness Lala, that has really hurt me but gosh I hadn't realised my behaviour/drinking affected you like that. I am so sorry'
Just about him. As you said! Which is good really.
MrsTomHardy - I have to start off being reasonable. We don't have loads of money, Xmas is almost here, I have to live with my decisions. I don't think it's fair, after living together for 16 yrs to say 'get out now'. We co-own the house and legally I can't make him go, so I am glad he is agreeing to as if he put his foot down I'd be stuck!