Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

A wonderful letter Lala. Well done on taking this huge step.

My 2p worth would be in regards to the money. Don't say 'maybe' say you 'you have spent x amount that I know of' And who knows how much more that I don't?

If you stick with maybe he can dismiss it because you don't know about all the secret drinking he does. . If you present it as fact it will have more impact.

Good luck xx

Lala your letter is beautiful. And OK I really don't think the letter is a good idea. At all. If this were a normal reasonable man we were talking about then yes. But we aren't. We are talking about an abusive man.

So sorry I clicked "post" by accident. So that 2nd sentence doesn't make much sense!

The letter is beautiful and a reflection of you. But please don't give it to him. He will twist it into something it isn't. You say the big hole in your marriage is his alcoholism. But really it his abusiveness. The alcoholism accentuates that but it isn't the cause of it.

I know why you have written the letter and it is a great thing you have, for yourself. But whatever you want from him by giving it to him will not happen.

I think the letter is truthful and says exactly what he needs to hear - I would suggest that you COMPLETLY REFUSE to let him pick it apart or disect it with you - this would allow him to start twisting it and sowing the seeds of doubt in your head. This letter is your Statement of fact. This is YOUR reality and half the problem has been his refusal to acknowledge this reality - he just ignores your experience and wallows I his own mire. He has to accept that this is how you feel - its sometimes hard to hear how our own actions and attitudes have affected other people but this is how it is for you - he needs to hear this and decide how he can alter his behaviour to stop you feeling this way - but as you know he has not been able to do this despite endless opportunities laid out for him by you.

You have decided to end it.
You have written this letter only to inform him of why it is ended - NOT as an opener for further crisis talks.
You require him to leave and need to give a date.

If he wants to throw threats of moving away and going on the dole then just let him. He is trying to call your bluff. " if that's what you feel you have to do then so be it". You have to disconnect emotionally from him now - he is solely responsible for his path - not you. He is going to throw every manipulative trick in the book at you. Emotional blackmail will be his number one trick.

Who is 'worth it' ?? You and the kids not him.

He wants to buy not rent!?!?!?!? Not your problem. He has to deal with being chucked out - go to friends, family - he has to sort it out for himself. He is an adult not a child - he has to make his own way.

Hi Lala - sorry i've been a bit preoccupied with ds's birthday. Your letter contains some truly awful details. I also think it would be best not to send it - it is like giving him a roadmap to your most vulnerable points, but if you do then make it very clear that it is not the start of any negotiations, simply a statement of what he's done to you. If he swears he will get professional help to stop drinking this time, then only accept this on the basis that he leaves first - make him prove that he is serious as his words mean absolutely nothing. I think you know that he won't follow through.

You really need to mentally bring down a big security shutter that blocks him out. Don't give him any more power over you.

Hope you are ok lala

I am a class A chicken. H has come back Acting like everything is fine and I haven't given him the letter tonight.
He hasn't taken me seriously at all has he? About anything?
I am girding my loins. The letter is better. I need it to say it for me, you see, as otherwise it won't get said and day after day will trickle by again. When he's here, face to face, I just become mute.
I need my voice back

At least you are recognising that he is continuing as if nothing has been said. Earlier you would have doubted yourself, and think that he must have got the wrong end of the stick, about what you had discussed.

What does that tell you?
Nothing will change no matter how much you talk.
The time is now for action.
I like the letter, but you need to have a conversation about when he will move out, and the letter should be given after that.

Just be careful that he doesn't try to turn it into a discussion so he can promise the earth or say its given him the kick up the arse he needed.

Actions speak louder than words. You need to take action.

You are a strong person.

He is not taking you seriously at all. Do you know why that is?

He sees no point. You are all talk and no action.
He knows he can string this along for as many years as he wants to. He knows that all he has to do is to show you a millimeter of kindness every couple of weeks and your resolve weakens. He knows that you wont leave, he knows how scared you are. Of life as a single mum, of feeling a failure, he knows you are scared he wont pay anything towards you and his children, he knows you are scare he will quit work, or do himself in, etc. He knows you worry about this.
He knows that HE has all the power, and you have none.

And this makes him feel strong. Manly. He can do as he damn well pleases, and you can do nowt.

Prove him wrong, LaLa, PLEASE!

For God's sake, Lala. Stop this farce right now. Tell him. Find your voice. Stop the dithering and say it plain - "DH, you've got one/two weeks to find somewhere to live."

Don't ask.

Tell.

You're a grown adult. Act like one. Protect your children and make the break. No one is going to rescue you. This isn't going to just go away. You've got to put your big-girl pants on and get this done. You. On your own, for yourself and your children.

Years ago when a bf broke up with me( not in a similar situation) a friend of mine gave me what I thought was good advice.

I was to tell him when he was going to pick up his stuff. I wasn't to ask I was to tell.

While this is a very different situation I think it still stands. No discussion just 'you will moved out by the 7th of December. Any discussions of our relationship will be done after that date and not before.'

You need to find your own way of saying it. But it must be a statement. Not a question.

Good luck.

Lala

You are a strong person.

You look after 3 children all day everyday, you run your house by yourself.

You can do this. Give him the letter today, give him a bag even if you pack it for him.

Don't do anything for him, his washing he can do.

Once he gone you will have all that wasted time and energy you spend on him you can use for yourself.

I read this saying on another thread 'it's time to put on your adult shoes on'.

Good luck.

wheredidiputit has hit the nail in the head. You ARE strong, far stronger than you realise. You fought so hard to have your babies. You're bringing up three young children single-handedly. You're doing EVERYTHING around the house single-handedly. You are strong.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that your DH is doing his best to convince you that you're weak (and it's working); he knows how strong you are, he sees everything you do and he knows he plays no part in it. He must be terrified of you finding your strength Lala, he knows just how capable you are and that's why he tries to turn everything back on you, to destabilise you, to make you feel weak.

Lala, you're already a single mum, but with the disadvantage of having an alcoholic living in the house like a millstone around your neck. The only thing you have to be scared of is the possibility of being stuck with him for a minute longer.

Today is December 1st. You started this thread on August 1st.
The title is "Separation and Beyond - Lala goes forth!"

Everytime your thread appears in Active convo I feel compelled to post - against my better judgement - because it is so ironic. You are standing still so slowly, that you dont yourself realize how still you are. You seem to think that you are progressing in leaps and bounds, but the reality that you are standing still, while he keeps changing his game!

When will you change your game?

When will you start going forth ??

Lala - if you don't leave now you never will.

Very unusually, my father is here today. I hardly ever see him. My DCs hardly ever see him. And the reason for that is that for the past 30+ years he has stood by my alcoholic, abusive mother thinking "this time it will be different", "this time she'll get help", "this time she wants to change".

They don't change Lala. You are wasting your life if you think they do.

I know. The time has come. I will give him the letter - unfortunately not tonight as he went to the pub at 4 and I just got a text saying he would be 'home later as he has met a friend'
I know you don't know me and you don't know how I feel but let me try and explain.
When I asked h for a separation a few months ago you guys were telling me it was the thing to do and so was my mum. I didn't feel it in my bones which is why I didn't follow through.
We have now been through 4 months of counselling and one of the reasons I stepped away from here for a bit was to make my decision - not what your mum or dad or you should have done, not what my mum thinks I should do but what I think and know I should do.
Now my decision is made and I am settled with it I do need your help, and my families, to cheer me on and boost me along.
But my decision is made. I just have to make him realise that.

Completely OT - I downloaded the new iPhone app and it doesn't work?! I have deleted and reinstalled 3x and each time I goto load a conversation it switches off. Anyone else had issues?!

Lala, I know your decision is made - every time you post you sound more resolute and determined, which is great. What worries me is that when you do find your voice, he will steamroll you. You told us yesterday that when he's home, you feel mute. He already knows you want to discuss things with him, but he doesn't believe you mean it, he knows he can avoid it for the whole weekend by going to the pub, getting drunk, then he knows you won't want to talk when he's hungover, so off he'll go to work on Monday and thus the cycle will repeat itself. There is never a right moment for something like this, but now you know your own mind, and know what you want, you've just got to bite the bullet and do it. I'd leave him to his own devices tonight, and do it as soon as he gets up tomorrow morning. "Now you're up, I'm going to tell you how things will be from now on..." Tell him to pack, to get looking for somewhere to live. Tell him to move to his parents' or a friend's place initially, but he needs to be under no illusions that his home is not with you.

You're determined, you know your decision, you can do this. Just don't let him worm his way out of it any longer. xx

here it seems they may be problem with the new app.

You're right. He will be hungover and stroppy tomorrow. And this will repeat next weekend unless I stop it.

I'm so glad you can see that at last Lala. He's playing you for a fool, and now you know it. He knows you've got this talk looming, and what's he doing? He's out on the piss with a friend.

Get angry, use that anger to find your strength and stand up to him, show him how serious you are and you will not stand for his crap one second more.

Lala

I glad you can see him for what he is.

Can you find 10mins to pack his case/bag for him and give to him along side your letter.

If not please keep a copy of your letter for your own records.

wheredidi - I can't. He co-owns the house and I won't chuck him put on the street. That doesn't sit right with me. I shall ask him to leave, we shall 'agree' a date for him to find somewhere by and if he doesn't shift on out I shall start divorce proceedings.
Plan is - get dc in bed.
Give him the letter.
Go and hide in the bath with a g&t have a bath.
Come down when he has had half an hour to process and discuss.
Because he drank so much last night (pub 4-11.30) he hasn't started on the alcohol yet tonight so that is good.
Wish me luck!!

Wow is this thread still dragging on?-good luck lala...

Good luck!

Good luck Lala. Hopefully you are talking to him about it (or in the bath after), right now.