Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

Lala I just wanted to wish you well with everything and I truly hope you can find the clarity you're seeking and the happiness you and your dc deserve.
I don't really feel I can contribute anything to your situation anymore but I will always wonder how this will resolve.

Tbh your last couple of posts have made me frustrated, sad and angry as to how on earth the counselling session - which should been to HELP YOU became all about him.

You need to stop talking about why your h is the way he is, and talk about why you are the way you are.

Lala, I know I am some random stranger on the Internet but please believe that I honestly only have your best interests at heart when I say this:

You are a boiling frog.

The issues with your h will never be resolved (one way or another) until you take back control of your self worth, and have a better understanding of the reality of your relationship and what 'normality' actually is.
You and your dc deserve so much more than this. I hope you can see that soon.

Oh dear Lala, you are still living in Lala Land.

Your counsellor explained to you that your H's neural pathways were altered by his upbringing to be the way he is and because you are a kind, warm person that made you feel some warmth & sympathy towards him.

Another response to that explanation would be to think - Oh, if the problem is to do with the way that my H's brain is wired up, how realistic is it to expect him ever to change?? If his brain is wired up wrong, then that means Lala that none of this is your fault or has been triggered by you. It's just that he's brain damaged (sorry, that's a strong term but you know what I mean) - damaged in the sense of not being able to deal with relationships, addiction, anger etc.

Your counsellor says people can change. No doubt some can, but as others have pointed out, he'd have to REALLY want to. When you first came on here you explained your H was drinking excessively at home every night. Now you say he goes out to the pub every night for an hour or so, but you say this is better. You can't possibly know how much he drinks in the pub as you're not there, so this looks to me like an attempt by him to conceal how much he's consuming. I also think leaving you alone every night to look after your three little ones is not on, but you seem to accept this.

The months are slipping away. Soon it will be years. Believe me when I say if you continue to live like this, your DCs won't thank you. Think of all the people who have told your their stories of growing up in alcoholic/abusive/violent homes - not one of them has told you to stay.

You needed a counsellor to tell you he is the way he is because of his upbringing? Of course you knew this already - the problem is that he has allowed himself to take out his frustrations on his family instead of being a grown up and taking responsibility for his own life.

We all reach a point when we have had abusive childhoods where we can either continue to blame our parents for how screwed up we are or take actions to change the future for ourselves and our children so that the pattern does not repeat. Taking responsibility would have been getting professional help to stop drinking and individual counselling and so he can work through his issues. I'd probably add anger management to the list. He has still failed to do this and yet again you are happy with crumbs.

I feel quite sick saying this but you are allowing the pattern to repeat - and since he is allowing history to repeat it is you who has to stop it. You are putting your relationship before the best interests of your children. You may not think your children are in any physical danger (at the moment) but they are still at risk of growing up with anxiety, low self esteem and god knows what else because of the environmnent they are living in. It breaks my heart that you can't see it.

Remember that abuse is cyclical - what happens next time you go to an event where he has the opportunity to get hammered, or can't quite keep his temper under control? It has taken the imminent loss of his marriage for him to make the small changes he has made. I fear it will take something truly awful for you to make a change.

You are not only risking your children's wellbeing but you are risking your future relationship with them. I am sorry if you think i am projecting - i probably am to an extent, but it is hard not to when the situations are so, so similar. I promise you it only gets worse as your children grow and find their own voices. I hope you find the courage to make a change before you get to learn that for yourself.

How are you LaLa?

Bump, checking in Lala, name-changed regular poster from all your threads, hoping you're okay.

Hi. Well the last 3 weeks have been clarifying.
H was away with work for 7 days and it was nice. I didn't miss him.
He came back poorly and had one week off sick and has just ended one weeks holiday. Him being around just hasn't worked. We tried to plan to spend some time together but have just had horrid days.
The past week he started drinking 1+ bottles of wine a night again and on Wednesday he was horrid . F word 12x in front of dc. Pushing toys angrily out of the way. Getting cross about mess but not helping.
He spent all of yday in bed and is now on a healthkick again - stopped smoking and drinking yday and got on the cross trainer again. Just goes to show I control nothing.
tomorrow he may drink, he may not. He may smoke, he may not. He may get cross. He may not. It's out of my hands and I can't control it.
Next week I and dc are going to my parents for a few days, ignoring the fact that it's our wedding anniversary.
I have to end this. It's a horrid-unpredictable atmosphere. Why oh why is it so chuffing hard to do though???
At least I have tried absolutely bloody everything.

Hi Lala. Yes, you have tried everything.

So when you are at your parents next week, just make it your mission to plan the best way out. Perhaps you could get them to come back to your house with you to explain to him that it's over and he needs to go? Or write him a letter. Or just speak to your solicitor and get her to start divorce proceedings.

This bit is always going to be the hardest bit. But once the ball is rolling, it won't seem so bad. Indeed you said yourself that it was nicer when he was away on business (I know that feeling so well!!)

I agree it is "chuffing hard" (great expression!) to end a marriage. I always have to give a hollow laugh when people say that divorce is too easy these days. But as you say you "have to end it" so I'm hoping you find the strength to keep going and just do it.

They know, don't they?
H woken up this morning. Happy. Gave me a big hug and said 'do you have to goto your parents next week? I don't want you to'
They know don't they? It is because he feels I've come to the end isn't it? I just feel mind-f*kd again!
Yes, the plan next week is to get my head together, work out finances and work out how in the earth I am going to finally end this farce properly. No talks of separation now, needs to be talks of 'it's over' aagghh. Feel sick. He's just taking dd to ballet class now. Being a 'Disney Dad'. People will look at him and think how fab he is.

Hi Lala - back to work has been taking up all my time. Just checked in today to see how you are.

I think that phrase Disney Dad is so appropriate - it shows that you are seeing his better moments in context, you are seeing the bigger picture and how they become cancelled out by the poor behavior at other times. The emotional, roller coaster of not know what you are going to get on any given day must be the worst situation to be in. It was DD's first birthday on the 25th - One year as a single mum and I did it! Loved it all, and wouldn't have changed it to be honest. I hope that you do go to your parents and use the time to get emotional support to help you make the break. You know this cycle will just go and on and on. Its just up to you when you want to get off..........

x

They know, don't they?

My clapped out old dishwasher stopped conking out mid cycle the very day before I changed it for a nice new one - maybe it knew but I couldn't stand it letting me down so I still got rid.

You have tried so long and given him every chance to build a life with you and your DCs, he has his own list of priorities and expects everything to orbit round him. "Disney dad" can see your DCs and perhaps up his game and become a better parent post divorce, but at the moment he just suits himself and expects you to lump it.

Oh Lala, Christmas was your deadline, you know that you have tried everything and he keeps reverting to type

Contrast this with his kicking toys out of the way and F-ing this and that. No good for children to live in that atmosphere.

Lala, I've said it before and I'll say it again (CatPower from your threads):

You and your children deserve so much better than this.

If you can't break up this sham of a marriage for yourself, do it for your DC's who deserve a happy and secure Mummy, and a Daddy who spends more worthwhile time with them rather than taking for granted that you'll all always be there for him to swear at, shout at and abuse.

You life could always be as peaceful as it was the week he was away. Use the time with your parents to get everything in order. Speak to your solicitor, speak to your parents - if they don't know already, make it crystal clear how terrible this "relationship" has become. Use blunt language - he abuses you. Tell them. Get them 100% on side. You will need their support, but to get the support you need you have got to be 100% honest about what's been going on, and for how long.

You CAN do this, Lala. Putting your foot down and meaning it will be the hardest part, but you can make a happy, loving, secure life for yourself and your children.

You can do it lala! Seize this new momentum!

Thanks everyone. It's just so odd how tonight he has been so nice and chatty, yet today the standout moment is:
DTS crying (huge mummy's boy with separation anxiety!) so I pick him up to take into kitchen with me. DD wants something, I desperately need a pee! I tell DD I just need to wee, she can come with me and DTS and I can help her in a sec. DTD starts crying in lounge v upset (think she's bitten down on something again and hurt her little gums). I now desperately need a wee. Ask H (who is lying on sofa watching grand prix) to pick DTD up as she is upset. He says crossly 'I'm not picking them up the minute they cry, you'd bettered get used to that'
Me: 'but she's upset'
So I sit down and have to put DTS down to cuddle DTD so he starts crying. And then DD starts crying cos she wants the thing I was supposed to do after I have had a pee which I still desperately want.
To combat this H turns the volume on the TV up louder and louder and louder and says 'go for your bloody wee and take DD with you'
Uurrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

And... Earlier this week H did one of his manic tidying up sessions and cleared out a box beside his sofa where things like the Next catalogue get put. He put a pile of papers and catalogues on the kitchen counter and said 'sort through those'. I said u didn't have time right then (3 dc to look after - he didn't offer to watch them for 5 mins or make their dinner so I could sort through)
Anyway. Pile disappeared and I forgot about it until tonight was thinking about precious things to make sure are safe and went to check box where the photobook I did for DD first year which took blood sweat and tears and 12 months for me to do and.... It's gone it must have been in that pile gone all because when H says it must be tidy, it must be tidy

I said I didn't have time right then!!

Grrrrrrrr! How you did not flip at this I do not know!??! when he behaves like this Lala it makes any Disney Dad time null and void. We are back to him COMPLETLY ignoring your basic human rights, ( you NEEDED to pee for gods sake!!) You HAVE to see how utterly contemptable this is??? Please,please get rid of him.

Now just read the next two posts and am speechless. He really does not give a toss about you Lala. You will always live a life of treading on eggshells round this man - ALWAYS. But the worst thing is - so will your kids - they will be forever emotionally damaged by him - they will in turn have difficulty in relationships as they will not have seen 'normal'. The best thing you could ever do for them is to remove them as soon as possible from this oppressive atmosphere. You are not protecting them by staying with him.

The two examples you've given from this week, demonstrate this, which you would do well to remember:

He's not on your side. He's not on your DC's side either. He's only interested in himself.

It's impossible to have a fully-functioning relationship with someone like that. You know you need to call it a day. So just take a deep breath and do it.

x

I am new to this post and haven't read much of it but am gonna put my 2 doodahs in regardless! I have recently woken up and realised I've lived for 12 years with a man who has EA me. I have tried half heartedly to leave a few time before but always came back with promises of change. I finally decided enough was enough when he blew up over salami sandwiches (don't ask!).

I moved into the spare room that day and have been there since. He got scared and contacted Relate, I got in touch with all my old friends who I had somehow (ahem) lost contact with, and I am trying my hardest to keep strong. I have been in touch with a solicitor and CAB and they have armed me with the info I need. He has upped the emotional blackmail, EA, controlling behaviour etc to a level I never though he could. I have bad days where I shake uncontrollably, suffer anxiety attacks and can't think in a straight line. But, the good days where I feel empowered, strong, in control and, almost, happy far outweigh the bad ones!

Just get a plan, get some support from friends, family, WA, (anyone!) and DO IT!!!! It will all so be worth it in the end. Good luck!

The thing is Lala, he's just a horrible, nasty, selfish man.

Everything he does is calculated to get him an easy life, from being mean to you because he can't be bothered, to being just nice enough to stop you leaving.

If your DD brought home a man like that, you'd tell her to dump him, wouldn't you, no matter what?

You decided to give him a chance (and a few others, let's face it). And what has he done with it?

Stopped drinking - no.
Shown you respect - no.
Been a proper father - no.

He needs to learn the cold hard lesson that you won't live with him any more. Not that you don't want to, but that you WON'T.

Fingers crossed you can do it, whatever it is to get rid of him.

Oh please, go to your parents next week and do.not.ever.return to that man

This man isn't even your FRIEND let alone your husband!

He hasn't changed at all Lala, throwing away your precious photo book, not caring enough to help or give the DCs a cuddle...you all deserve so much more then this...