Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

Oh sweetheart - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to your parents and make your plan. No ifs or buts or one more chance. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. HE DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE. Use every bit of support you can get your hands on, take a deep breath and do it. Please. Your babies need you to. You need you to.

Lala, if you stay with this man this is what you and your children will get for the rest of your life.

He isn't going to change. He'll occasionally throw you a bone of promising to change to get you to shut up for a while, but that's all it will be. Him hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock of your unhappiness. And despite all he's done, despite the hundreds of times he's let you down, humiliated you or bullied you, you still seize on every trivial little nice thing he does as if it is a sign from god that he's suddenly become a reasonable human being who loves you.

He hasn't. He doesn't. He won't. What you see is what you will continue to get. He's a self-centered piss-artist. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about the children. He only cares about himself.

Stay or go. It's your choice. But staying while hoping that he will magically change into the man you think he could/should be is an insult to your intelligence.

Look after yourself Lala. Because sure as dammit, he won't.

Reading this thread has made me go cold.
If I was your mother I would be in despair over the way he is treating you and the children.

Please go to your parents and make a plan, your children don't deserve to live this way.

lala I haven't posted for a while but I've been reading. I didn't really have anything to add.

A few months ago your dh was being physical with your dc and swearing at them. I don't think things have improved for you or for them.

I have to say that your children will not thank you for staying with this man when they are older. I spent my whole childhood on eggshells around my alcoholic, bad tempered, life revolves round him father. I would not wish my childhood on anyone.

You really, really need to figure out why you won't split up your marriage. This could easily go on for the rest of your life because no one is awful 100% of the time so there will always be a cup of tea made or an extra £20 for a takeaway or an 'i love you' text that will be the crumb to give you an excuse to stay.

How about bringing your parents back with you after your visit, and when you are all gathered together they tell him he has to leave.

Your mum or dad could phone around and find suitable bedsits for him to look at during the week you are there. They could hand him the list when they deliver the news to him that he is leaving.

They should stay in your house while he packs his things. This could take several days but I think it would be important for them to be there, sleeping on the couch or maybe they could bring camp beds.

I think this is the least your parents could do for you. I think you need to recognise that on your own you are not really going to hand him any sort of ultimatum you haven't done this in counselling; in fact so far you have concentrated on trying to do your utmost to keep things going instead of making forward progress so I think it is time to hand over the reins to your parents, tell them what needs doing, tell them you need their help because you can't do this on your own, and let events run their course.

Lala - have you any more counselling booked? I would either miss it from now on unless they are willing to see you on your own and really support you on ending this rather than saving it. I have had a couple of real 'end it' moments in my life - one work and one personal. It was as if I got up on theses mornings and just 'knew' it was the end. I took the bulls by the horns and ended it - that day! I cannot describe the absolute feeling of release and relief on both occasions. We only have one life - why waste it in situations that are making us miserable?!?!?! You have given yourself the luxury of trying to make it work and you have to be convinced by now that it really is not going to happen. You can walk away knowing that you morally did all you could. MORALLY you and the kids are the priority now - NOT HIM. Please do not give him priority any more. Make your kids your focus - they have not been but need to be. His behaviour is only going to damage them emotionally. I work with boys who have had miserable young lives and there is no debate - these things fu** them up. If you can't leave him then I have to be blunt and ask you to think about letting the kids go to a place they can be outside his influence. Lala - you need to ' man up' 'dig deep' and do the deed. Leave him - chuck him out and find out what living a life really means.

If I have been harsh its because I wish you well in the most urgent way.

Be strong - it's the best feeling xx

Well it's our 8th wedding Anniversary today. Neither of us has mentioned it. I spoke to him earlier as we are both poorly and to update him on how the dc are. It was a pleasant chat with awkward pauses around the elephant of our WA!!

Math, thanks but I will end this myself - I'm a grown woman and I owe it to myself and him to do it in person when it is the right moment.
Secret - for once I disagree - it would not be better for the dc to be away from me at all. Yes, it will be better for them in a way when H is around less, but he isn't around that much and the current situation is better than me not being there too!!
A good friend has lent me 'too good to leave too bad to stay'. I am at point %239 and still have to find a reason to stay - the author keeps saying 'based on your answer the likelihood is you will be happier if you leave'
It's not rocket science, life is too short.

I suppose I was being deliberately blunt Lala. I know you wouldn't be separated from your children but I do wonder if you really believe the damage that will be piling up month on month. I woundered if you see yourself as the barrier between them and him and that you are 'shielding' them from the worst of it?? The thing is that it is during the first years that all our emotional building blocks are laid down. The brain is making these pathways and our experience shapes them. I work with boys who have serious attachment disorders who will always struggle to make and retain normal relationships with anyone due to the emotional , ( and physical), abuse they suffered as young children. These are THE most important years for helping you children to shape who they will become. Children are not daft and before long they will be very aware of the atmosphere, tension, strain and the massive ups and downs. Does your DP understand this? If he wanted to give them the very best of himself he would he would recognise the damage he is inflicting on all of you BUT crucially them. He would remove him self and get better but despite all you have done to facilitate this happening he has not taken up the opportunity has he?

It is so heart breaking to see the state of some of these boys I work with. One in particular that I have made such progress with will routienly panic that he is actually succeeding in a positive relationship with an adult and turn round and spew torrents of abuse at me and he's back to square one. Please really think about it Lala - sometimes it really is better to be without a parent if they are not considering your mental and emotional well being. X

Hey Lala,

I checked your thread again and was really hoping you'd left him.

I'm really sorry to hear this situation is still going on and that he's continuing his vile behaviour towards you and the dc. I hope you still went to your parents.

Math, thanks but I will end this myself - I'm a grown woman and I owe it to myself and him to do it in person when it is the right moment.

Math has some very good advice on how to end this. It might be hard to hear but it is great advice.

You don't owe anything to him, you do however owe it to your DC to protect them by ending this relationship asap, because it WILL and probably already is, damaging them.

You've had a lot of advice on here from people with first hand experience of having a father like this, yet you still seem to think that it doesnt apply to your dc. Or that your h isn't as bad.

"the current situation is better than me not being there too!!"

Unfortunately a court doesn't always see it like that if a father hurts a child and the mother refuses to put the safety of her dc before her relationship.
And your dc are not going to see it like that when they are older and suffering some of the effects Secret is talking about.

Hi Lala

Just hoping that your weekend was productive, you spoke honestly with your parents, rallied their support and that you have planned what to do next.

Lala - how goes it. Hope I'm not I the dog house??

No, not at all! Just working through some stuff. Won't bore you with H's latest behaviour, but am psyching up for ending it. Counsellor said to make plans first - so far I have got boxes of paperwork and precious stuff out of the house to a friends. I have local friends on alert with a text code in case he kicks off. My parents know I am going to end it, but that I am still working out when.
I had chosen my lawyer, thinking legal aid ended in October but know think it's going until April so I need to investigate that.
Counsellor also said to speak again to the local DV team so they have this address and number just in case.
I am not feeling strong enough to plan a 'ending it event' at the moment but I think and hope I am poised for seizing the moment when it crops up. I hope so.

Good on you Lala. Well done on all the practical stuff you have got organised. I appreciate how painful this but you are doing the right thing. Keep strong and massive respect to you. Xxxx

Well done! Do let us know when you actually do it, think of us like a Mumsnet Greek chorus standing behind you to give your strength.

Hi Lala, I've been lurking on your thread, willing you on to get yourself and your children out of this horrible situation. Your husband isn't going to change.
I grew up in a situation very like this, and like disembodiedHandbagCrab, I too "spent my whole childhood on eggshells around my alcoholic, bad tempered, life revolves round him father". It took me until I was well into my thirties until I stopped being absolutely terrified of him. Although I've now forgiven him (mostly) for the damage to my childhood and to me, I am finding find it much more difficult to forgive my mother for not protecting me and my sisters from him when we were small and vulnerable.

How are you?

Aaaagggghhhhhhhh!! Kind of sums me up. Dc have been poorly so sleep out of the window again. H went out to the pub within an hour of me getting home from hospital with DTS.
He had solo counselling today. I am prepared for this to precipitate a conversation tonight so am girding my loins! I wish I had your strength the way you finished it the day you decided it was over. I have worked through the book, I have received my validation! Everything else aside, H continues to drink (went to pub at 3.22pm on Saturday).

Well, H went and bought me a bday pressie after counselling(for tomorrow). Just typical he finally does it now!!!
We have had a brief chat and agreed to talk Friday or Saturdy. He said he was resigned to what we would say but that we needed to talk it through. He said he has lots to say. Keep me strong and focussed Girlies - he may go into 'reasonable, slightly hurt & sad, loving mode' between now & then!

Happy birthday lala.

You know the important thing to focus on is his actions and not his words, as the two are clearly not mutually exclusive.

Hope your dc are ok now.

"I am hoping to use counselling to help me end it in a 'safe environment' which I did tell the counsellor last week."

Absolutely. It always amazes me how drink vs. keeping something you love is not a simple question for some people.

He can spout he loves you all he likes. Obviously not even close enough though. Remember that.

He obviously thinks nipping to the pub whenever he feels like it is acceptable.

The thing is,he just does what he wants and has walked all over you. And he goes to the pub/drinks at home and you are still with him so he thinks its ok,no matter what protests you make.

He is selfish beyond words. It would need a miracle for him to change.

he may go into 'reasonable, slightly hurt & sad, loving mode' between now & then!

Of course he will, Lala, I'd bet my last £1 on it. He'll act the way he knows you dream of him acting to keep you hooked so you'll give him another "one last chance". Once he knows you'll stay, he'll be back to the pub and anger in a flash.

Stay strong. You know the niceness is just an act. If it was the real him he'd be nice all the time.

H bought me flowers today for my bday. First time ever (on bday but not that often either any other time)
and he got me a card and pressie from dc (although he did write 'mum' on the card!! Mum???!!!!! I am a mummy!!!!
And he came home with steak to cook for dinner and he has a present for me!!!
Wtaf???!!!!! Too late. Finally I get a birthday

Happy birthday lala.
I have just read this thread from beginning. I am so sorry that you and your DC are in this situation. You have had some excellent advice from other posters. I really don't have much to say other than PLEASE be strong and please go and get yourself and your DCs a life that you deserve.
I know when you live in a certain situation it becomes 'normal' but he is not the norm. Your poor children really deserve to be out of a situation where one of their parents will treat them/their mummy like this.
It is so evident that you are an amazing mummy. You love your DD to the moon and back- would this be a life you would wish on her??? No of course not- so (and here I'm going to sound cheesy but bear with me, I'm so sad for you that it's made me very emotional) please start 'loving yourself' enough to really once and for all get yourself the out of this horrendous situation. Your treading water instead of living.
What he has done today for your birthday is the minimum a lovely, normal man does for his dw.
Anyway- I haven't said anything particularly helpful but please know I'm another one rooting for you and hoping you end up with a happier life for u and your little ones x

Meant to say....it's the minimum a normal decent guy dies but it's taken all if this in order for him to buy his dw flowers/card and a steak?!?! Way too little...way too late!!!!!