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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

636 replies

LalaDipsey · 01/08/2012 18:49

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 16/09/2012 16:11

Grin YES Lala

I am doing this on my own anyway so just need to make that official

Keep hold of that thought!!

NoWayNoHow · 16/09/2012 16:15

Lala, you've hit the nail on the head.

You ARE doing this by yourself. Imagine how much easier or will be when you're not cross and frustrated by his presence combined with unwillingness to do anything. It will be just like life ought to feel.

CatPower · 16/09/2012 18:21

Lala!!! You've got it, finally!

I am doing this on my own anyway so just need to make that official

That's exactly it - you're essentially a single mum in all but name. You'd find it so much easier if he wasn't around distracting you, taking up your time and thoughts with his tantrums and drinking and turning your stomach to jelly/knots.

You can do this, Lala. You're getting stronger every single day.

SecrectFarleysNibbler · 16/09/2012 19:57

Go Lala! He LAY in bed WHILE you did all that this morning! This after ALL that has happened recently?!?! He either:

A. Doesn't give a toss when it really comes to it
B. is soo weak that he just can't 'man up'
C. COMPLETLY ruled by his preference to slave him self to drink
D. has had a complete moral / empathy by pass
E. believes to his core that childcare is woman's work
F. Thinks he is a god that should not sully himself
G. A tw** of the highest order
H. A sadist animal who gets off on watching you struggle

Please feel free to choose as many options above as you please ......

Lala - please, please free yourself from this shitty existence - you deserve a life that is happy. I think you can't all away from this knowing you did everything you could and have given him every opportunity to get on board. No matter what mind tricks he try's to pull from here on you have the moral high ground and will also be sainted for your absolute commitment to try and help him. my god - you have gone above and beyond - time to be selfish for you and the little ones in a good way. Waste not another moment on him....... Please!

mathanxiety · 16/09/2012 20:11

Or maybe he is still punishing you for whatever it was that you did last evening? Who does he think he is?

All of Secret's options still apply..

You are so right that you are doing this on your own. And what's more, you are doing it with a massive weight around your neck, a heckler, someone always there trying to trip you up, an energy sucking vampire -- choose whichever seems most apt an image.

zxcv123 · 16/09/2012 23:02

Keep going Lala you are almost there.

Take a quick peek at this thread from people who have recently left their husbands -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1557473-Being-a-single-parent-is-not-so-bad

SecrectFarleysNibbler · 17/09/2012 07:28

Typo - can walk away

mathanxiety · 20/09/2012 04:15

How is sleep going, Lala? I hope you're managing a decent few hours.

NoWayNoHow · 20/09/2012 16:44

Wondering about you, lala and how you're getting on? How're the DC?

SecrectFarleysNibbler · 21/09/2012 00:37

Been a few days since we heard from you? Hope all is good??
I am on count down to return to work on the 1st Oct. :( buying lottery tickets and looking out for rich men at the pub ! Lol!

Keep strong Lala - know its tough - remember that everything said here comes from well meaning advice, heartfelt concern and genuine wish to see you in a good place. Xx

mummybussy · 22/09/2012 20:14

Hope all is well Lala. It's been almost a week without an update. Hope you and DC' are ok. Thinking of you all.

RedMolly · 23/09/2012 17:13

Hope you're ok. There's a lot of folk here thinking of you.

SecrectFarleysNibbler · 25/09/2012 17:16

How are you Lala - worried about you???

hillyhilly · 25/09/2012 18:34

I hope you're ok lala? Don't feel you can't keep posting on here even if you are still together.
Hoping everything s ok

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 25/09/2012 20:04

Hi all. Thanks for caring and worrying. All is ok. I am trying to take some time away from the boards to really work my head out.
Solo counselling last week was really useful - we talked about why H hadn't done the 'tasks' from counselling (read a book, set aside some time to talk and arrange to go out for a couple of hours together) and him maybe not being motivated enough.
We worked out that at the moment we seem to be stuck. Things are just so uncomfortable at home and cool between us and they're not moving in either direction as I continually fail to end it and/or fail to try and make things ok. Instead I seem to just sit here, stuck.
So, H and I are to try and take a little time together. See if it proves to me that the 'love has gone' or, if there is something there. H is adamant he wants to make things work. I ranted at him at joint counselling this Monday and finally got a bit cross and that made me feel better.
We have said Christmas is the deadline to stay or split. H says things like 'I know we can get through this honey' and I don't reply Sad
I said that at the moment all that had happened was that the abuse had stopped and the excessive drinking. But that I was still parenting on my own and he was still doing what he wants.
So, that's where we are. All is ok. I am still where I was I think but we do need to get 'unstuck' in whichever direction it ends up.
Yes I still want to beat my own head against a brick wall. I am still a coward (when we said Xmas I hoped the decision would be taken out of my hands then and felt a rush of anticipation that things could end then).

OP posts:
hillyhilly · 26/09/2012 18:50

Thanks for the update, good luck, you know where we are if you need us

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 30/09/2012 22:09

Hi Secret. Good luck for tomorrow! X

OP posts:
SecrectFarleysNibbler · 03/10/2012 22:47

Thank you Lala - two days in and knackered!!

mummybussy · 08/10/2012 08:44

Hi, hope you're doing ok Lala.

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 08/10/2012 13:55

thanks, mummybussy, hi.
well the confusion continues I'm afraid. The counsellor spoke about H's childhood to me and his lack of any role model for a marriage apart from an alcoholic abusive one and said that he hadn't been born like this, that he had been born innocent just like dts, but his neural pathways had been shaped by his upbringing to be the way he has been.
she made me feel really sorry for him and for the first time in a very long time i felt some warmth towards him.
i don't know the answer anymore. he hasn't been abusive for ages, he is helping with dc much more, he is still drinking every day but drinking less (a couple of cans, out for an hour or so to the pub). i don't know where we are going, if it's to separate or not. i don't know how i feel about him but am trying to work that out - can 15 pretty good years ever make up for the last 3.5?? and even within that 15yrs there were very wide apart episodes of verbal abuse and hitting walls etc and always excessive drinking.
the counsellor says she believes people can change if they are willing to put the effort and work in.
he is away now until next monday (apart from thursday night) so am hoping to see if i care or not!
i wish i could fast forward a year, collect some hindsight, and make the right decision.

secret - how's work? still knackered?

OP posts:
HesAwayAgain · 08/10/2012 14:52

I'd be worried that the dts neural pathways would be shaped in just the same way as your h's, by his alcoholic abusive behaviour. Is that not how you see it?

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 08/10/2012 20:29

It would be exactly how I see it, and he would be gone if he was still being abusive. He isn't swearing, throwing things or yelling or anything like that. If he raises his voice (maybe once a week) he apologises. He is being pretty normal. Dc are not living in an abusive environment. And even though he is still drinking it's not that much.

OP posts:
Gennz · 08/10/2012 22:49

Lala I have followed this thread from your first one and I haven?t felt qualified to comment but I find it really, really depressing. This: ?isn't swearing, throwing things or yelling or anything like that. If he raises his voice (maybe once a week) he apologises? sounds very boiled frog-esque.

A husband/father raising his voice ?about once a week? isn?t normal (and I can be stroppy/argumentative/a harpy myself). Are you raising your voice once a week? I bet you?re not.

From what I?ve read of your relationship prior to you having kids, you didn?t have 15 good years. He sounds like he was always a self centred arse, and you were always a bit on eggshells around him, but having the DCs has magnified issues that you glossed over before.

You can?t (well you can, but you shouldn?t) base your relationship on feeling sorry for your partner. I note he doesn?t ever appear to feel particularly sorry for you, bringing up 3 kids including twin babies practically solo, on no sleep, with no help from him.

Sorry if I?m being harsh but I don?t think your counseller is being particularly helpful ? you are already struggling with feelings of guilt enough (and this seems to be the reason you haven?t booted him out) without her encouraging you.

Glowbuggy · 09/10/2012 08:57

I've just read your entire thread, you sound lovely Lala.

Your husband is a turd.

Bossybritches22 · 09/10/2012 09:09

I agree with Gennz Lala- your counsellor sounds rubbish she is just enabling this farce to continue, Yes people can change but they have to WANT to change & he isn't.

You have set deadlines before Lala & he has failed them. It's like telling a child "don't do that or else..." and then letting them get away with it agian & again.

Alcoholics don't moderate their drinking, he will just be hiding it better or getting more down his neck in a shorter space of time.

Shouting even just once a week is NOT acceptable. Your babies are growing up in such a negative atmosphere, and you all deserve more.

Please don't tell me he drives you and/or the DC's anywhere?