I'm not ending it now because he really does seem to have changed and I'm waiting to see if that changes things for me
He hasn't changed. All that's happening is that you are being further controlled and manipulated.
Every act if 'good' behaviour is nothing more than dangling a carrot - this NOT for your or the dc's benefit. It is NOT evidence of a new leaf or he wouldn't be effing off to the pub when he's supposed to have stopped drinking and then making you feel responsible for his actions.
In fact these acts are token and insincere gestures, so that he has 'currency' to throw back in your face if you assert yourself or 'accuse' him of anything.
E.g:
'how can you say I don't take part in family life? How much more do you want from me? I read dd a story didn't I? You are very ungrateful- after all I'm working all day and you don't. It's your job to look after the dc- isn't it? I am actually going out of my way here' etc etc etc
I am looking for 'permission' or 'help' to end it. I don't know why
I think there is an element of you just not wanting to end it. You are looking for excuses not to. This is not a weakness, but a side effect of the abuse and how it's damaged your self esteem and confidence.
Try not to question why you are finding it hard. It IS hard, that feeling is not going to go away, its normal to feel this way. But you have to set your mind to leaving and do it- ignoring the little insecure voices asking you what if...
To quote something I saw on another thread - you are on a bear hunt. Can't go under it. Can't go over it. Got to go through it.
He is trying to prove he can be 'all I want him to be' and has his anger under control now, is helping with the dc
He's not. His efforts seem pathetic at best.
He's conditioned you down. To accept less and less as an acceptable way of living.
The thing is lala, this is what abuse is. You are bullied into actually believing that a substandard life is acceptable and that you don't deserve more.
But in accepting this substandard life you not only choose it not only for yourself but your dc.
Your h's behaviour is only going to get worse. Babies are quite easy to keep out of the way. Sure they cry, but they don't move, or talk or make a lot of mess.
In 3,4,5 years time they will be causing your h considerably more 'inconvenience' and he will become more abusive, angry and probably physically violent towards them.
Even if your h is 'nice' their childhood is going to be dysfunctional despite your best efforts and good mothering. unfortunately you can't protect them enough.
- they are not going to be 'allowed' to have friends round, or sleepovers
- not only will they miss out on the wonderful experience of having a fun, supportive, engaged dad. They will live in fear and uncertainty and 'not rocking the boat'
- you can't share a bedroom with teenage twins with Dad in another room because he dictates where everyone sleeps... what is going to happen as they get older?
- Imagine them explaining to their school friends that mummy and daddy sleep in separate rooms and their confusion that other families aren't like this? Way, way worse than saying that mummy is single. (which is nothing to be ashamed of, and also unlikely because you'll be with someone wonderful who loves you and your dc because that's what you all deserve)
- they will realise from spending time with their friends' families that they have a very dysfunctional arrangement and they will resent you for not leaving him and providing a better life for them
- they will learn unhealthy and damaging behaviour from your h and copy it: anger, manipulation, selfishness, violence, alcoholism....
Lala, you know what to do. You know how to do it.
Please leave him.