WWYD - SIL and Niece row, can't help but take N's side?!?!

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I'll try and keep this short - have no idea what to say to them both!
So my niece is a v lovely girl, mega hardworking, got straight A*s at GCSE and heading for all As at AS level, grade 8 instrument etc etc. She went to an absolutely appalling state comp, zero facilities, was picked on for being clever, really miserable for her. Is now at a better state sixth form and much happier. SIL has just told her that they will be sending her younger brother (only sibling) to private school from 11 and Niece has gone absolutely bonkers. They've had a huge row, SIL is genuinely shocked that niece is taking it badly but when I heard them explaining the problem I couldn't help but see niece;s side...she's saying it feels like her brother is getting better treatment, she's saying it's really unfair because he's lazy (this is true, his school reports have hardly been glowing) and why didn't she get the chance to go etc etc. SIL is simply saying she doesn't have to justify herself (or BIL) to a 17 year old which seems to only antagonize niece even more. They asked me to talk it through with them...I've delayed for a few days to have a think! Help?!?!?!?!

FWIW..all my kids are/will be at private school so I can obviously see the benefit, but I wouldn't send just one of the four....

I think that struggling (or lazy) children need better schools. With good parents any child average and above can do well in a comp.

So i can see the reasoning, tbh.

I think the parents are being very unfair and almost certainly sexist. I've actually come across this in another family. The grandfather set up a fund to pay for the eldest boy to go to a private school but his two sisters had to scrap it out at the local state comp. He said outright that education was wasted on girls - even though the girls are the brains of the family. The silly parents don't see the problem and then wonder why their middle DD has 'anger issues'.

No, they don't have to justify their actions to a 17 year-old in reality, but I do hope they've put aside an equivalent amount of cash to help her through uni and so forth.

I would keep out of it. It is their choice as parents to do as they wish with their children, and your SIL is right, she doenst have to justify herself to her own daughter.

Maybe money was an issue when the daughter was younger, who knows.

Gosh, I can see both sides to be honest. It might well be that the DS really has the potential to do well in a 'stricter', more motivated, smaller-class environment and education is the foundation for the future. So the parents have to make the best decision for DS as an individual, not just as one of a pair of siblings. There doesn't appear to be evidence of the decision being 'sexist' according to the OP, rather that the DS is LAZY and clearly not achieving his maximum postential.

Private education isn't a reward for laziness, it often is a 'no-hiding-place' environment that will make sure DS pulls his socks up and knuckles down.

But I agree with Cogito - I hope that DD is assured that a similar amount of money will be invested in her Higher Education and perhaps even a gap-year.

Having been to a private school myself I know even having a private school on your CV will open so many more doors for a person once they start applying for jobs. All A's is fantastic, but all A's from a private school will get you further.

I can totally understand why she's upset as it does look like favouritism. But, as Cog has said, I hope when she gets into the uni of her choice they're as generous so she can concentrate on her studies there and not have to worry about the financial burdens university can present.

I work in the city and there is very much an attitude that if you have been at a private school and didn't get straight a's then you are not worth interviewing.

I can see both sides - particularly if your niece was bullied. Is it a money issue? Will they be helping her through university?

Kids are different and I think you have to look at individuals. Sounds like your nephew could do with more focus maybe.

I think there also needs to be some consideration to the wider picture - is this an ongoing issue between niece and nephew?

Oh, that's horribly unfair and sexist, imo. Reminds me how my parents used to treat my brother and I differently.

Well, sil and bil may not have to justify themselves (though they should, imo) but if they don't, I can imagine this rubbing very raw for the niece for years to come.

Of course of he is going to a top public school he may well find doors open easier for him

Just your average private school , not really

Actually I think she does owe girl an explanation, and its incredibly childish of her to say she doesn't have to justify herself when her daughter raises the issue of preferential treatment.

It could be as squeaky suggested that they didn't have the money for her at the time. But if the daughter is deemed not worthy of an explanation she's just going to assume she's the less-loved child and/or the brother is being rewarded for being difficult. She will feel she's got the crumbs from the table and this has the potential to damage her relationship with her parents and brother.

I was also the quiet hardworking one at an terrible sink comp (more riot control than teaching), and it was incredibly stressful. I came out with good results, but the 'journey' was awful as I had my arse kicked for five years.

Do you know why they've made the decision to treat the kids so differently?

One thing that stands out for me is that she had to cope with an environment where she was ridiculed and bullied, but still had to stick with it. I'm sure what's upsetting her amongst everything else is that she had to put up with so much shit from everyone else and stay in the comp, but her brother will get to go to the nice private school where, presumably, intelligence and hard work will get a better response. It seems incredibly unfair to me that she had to stay in a place where she was bullied while he will get to go to the private school with better facilities and will get more attention and extracurricular activities than she had. Why wasn't she moved to a different school when she was being tormented? She may have achieved a great deal, but I bet she's thinking about what she could have achieved if she'd had the backing of a better school. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if she'd dreamed about what life would be like somewhere else. And now the brother that puts in no effort gets it instead.

I can completely understand where she is coming from as well as see your sister's reasoning. Your sister needs to give a better response than "I don't have to explain myself to you" because this is going to cause a great deal of resentment and damage otherwise. Your niece feels alienated and that needs to be dealt with through communication, not by shutting down the topic.

I would think that your SIL and BIL absolutely do need to justify their actions to their daughter. If there is a genuine reason for the private school for the son, and the situation is explained then maybe your niece will be understand the situation. If it is just that they want to do it, with no thought for the trauma the girl has been through then IMO they are a nasty pair.

She does owe her daughter an explanation! Her daughter may not like the explanation but she is owed one! Siblings should always be treated equally where possible.
My brother was utterly spoilt, not because he was a boy but because my parents had three girls first, then a seven year gap, then my brother. By the time my brother was a teenager, the first three had left home and were earning our own money so my parents had lots more to spend on my brother. I know he got more because there was more but it still annoys me!

Sorry, I should also have said that I don't agree with the "I don't have to explain my decision to you" attitude. That IMO is a total cop-out and could alienate DD forever.

Whilst DD is not, nor should be, part of the adult decision-making process, it seems appropriate for her parents to explain HOW and WHY they arrived at the decision they have. At that point, they can assure their DD that she is equally valued and loved - that they are proud of her tremendous achievements, as well as her stalwart personality that rose above the horrendous actions she experienced from bullies etc etc. If an explanation is forth-coming, DD sounds intelligent enough to understand and accept that a different strategy is required for her brother.

It might well be that part of the explanation is, "We tried to find the money to get you out of your terrible situation but we just couldn't find the cash at that time."

chipmonkey, I am the middle of 9 children and the youngest brother was born 6 years after DP thought they had finished their family. He got away without ever having to have a Saturday job from aged 15 years (like we did), he got to go on lots of foreign holidays (we got a camping holiday), they drove him all over the UK to pursue his sporting activities (we had to pursue our hobbies under our own steam) but we didn't resent him or feel annoyed. Circumstances had simply evolved.

On the down-side, he was left at home as an 'only/last' child with older parents. The siblings actually supported him whenever we could. He often lived with DH and me during University holidays as he didn't want to be with parents in their mid-late 60s.

I'm with your niece on this one too. It is an amazingly appalling attitude from your BIL and SIL. They should explain, and they should apologies. Intact they should bloody well grovel. Doing acedemically well at an naff comp, can be very scarring experience (been there done that).

I was like your niece and would have shared her rage at the injustice, at her age. However now I can see the mum's side too. She should absolutely explain her reasoning to the daughter (with your help, if that will help ease matters) - not that he's getting better treatment because he has a penis, but because he doesn't have the gifts that she has which have got her through state school so successfully (not unscathed, but perhaps those things strengthed her resolve). At her age, she might secretly (even unconsciously) want her brother to do less well than she has, to be unable to cope as well in the poor school, to make her achievement seem all the greater. But she has to see that in the long run, his achievement is more important than any comparisons between the two. If she is able to talk through the scenarios openly and with understanding support, hopefully she will be intelligent enough to see there's no malice here. Equality after all doesn't mean treating everyone the same, but each according to their needs. Support you niece, but try not to take sides.

If I were her, I would have been complaining about having been put into a really bad school.

It's not true that an average private school pupil will be looked on more favourably. If two children are compared and both have the same results, the one who went to the "worse" school will be seen as the better candidate. Obviously they are - they have had to struggle alone and work a lot out for themselves and often have to work in the midst of a lot of other children who aren't as academic/hardworking/quiet.

Pinkdelight, agreed that the parents don't have to treat them the same, if they have different needs. It does depend on what support the parents gave the daughter though. Did they have to send her to the "appalling state comp"? What did they do to help her address the inadequacies of zero facilities and poor teaching? How they did respond when she was severely bullied? Was she left to sink or swim?

YOur SIL is right that she doesn't have to explain her reasons to her daughter. But she needs to be aware that there is likely to be a consequence if she doesn't and that is that the daughter will feel alienated and unloved. If she thinks that this is a risk worth taking, then so be it.

I think they are mad. I say this as the only member of my (large) family who went to private school. My parents were clear that this was because they did not have the money when my brothers and sisters were at school and it was only later in life that they knew they could afford it (I am the youngest). They have done their level best to equal the playing field since then (including my dad providing childcare for my sister full time when she went back to university etc).

The reason for their decision may well be valid (or not who knows) but if they don't explain it to their daughter then they must expect her to react badly.

OMG I am astounded words fail me, they will cause a rift in their family as they may be able to stick a plaster over this but eventually the puss will ouse.

You might want to gently point out to your SIL that the chances are it'll be her DD that chooses her nursing home.

I'd keep out of it

But I am with your neice on this one, sounds horribly unfair, I'm not surprised she's so upset by it

That is really shitty parenting. That poor girl has suffered through 'an absolutely appalling state comp, zero facilities, was picked on for being clever' and they didn't take her out of the system or even move her FFS.