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Original poster

WWYD - SIL and Niece row, can't help but take N's side?!?!

92 replies

flute123 · 01/08/2012 12:38

I'll try and keep this short - have no idea what to say to them both!
So my niece is a v lovely girl, mega hardworking, got straight A*s at GCSE and heading for all As at AS level, grade 8 instrument etc etc. She went to an absolutely appalling state comp, zero facilities, was picked on for being clever, really miserable for her. Is now at a better state sixth form and much happier. SIL has just told her that they will be sending her younger brother (only sibling) to private school from 11 and Niece has gone absolutely bonkers. They've had a huge row, SIL is genuinely shocked that niece is taking it badly but when I heard them explaining the problem I couldn't help but see niece;s side...she's saying it feels like her brother is getting better treatment, she's saying it's really unfair because he's lazy (this is true, his school reports have hardly been glowing) and why didn't she get the chance to go etc etc. SIL is simply saying she doesn't have to justify herself (or BIL) to a 17 year old which seems to only antagonize niece even more. They asked me to talk it through with them...I've delayed for a few days to have a think! Help?!?!?!?!

FWIW..all my kids are/will be at private school so I can obviously see the benefit, but I wouldn't send just one of the four....

OP posts:

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:41

I hope for their sake that they're going to be paying their DD's uni costs.

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2012 14:42

And her psychiatrist's bill.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:42

Why didn't they get her into a better school? State or private?

CogitoErgOlympics · 01/08/2012 14:43

"Equality after all doesn't mean treating everyone the same, but each according to their needs."

But when meeting those 'needs' involves school fees of tens of thousands of pounds a year for the next six to eight years, that is a pretty blatant and measurable inequality. It's not a few hundred spent on a private tutor or music lessons or something.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:47

Well, 5 years of private secondary = about £65,000 minimum for a first child, so she should have plenty of help coming her way!

MarygoeZforgold · 01/08/2012 14:47

I expect this isn't to do with money, but with attention. Your niece (quite rightly) feels that she worked very hard, caused no trouble, had a rotten time and was ignored and not helped to get out of the situation she is in.

We have treated our children differently - spent much more money on one than the others, and let one have much more attention than the others. But that was by necessity, and we have spent a lot of time discussing the situation with them individually in the hope that they will understand.

Instead of saying to your niece "we have done this, tough, nothing to do with you", they should be saying "it's only now that we realise how hard you had it, we know now we should have done things differently, it's a great credit to you that you did so well with such a bad start and we really, really appreciate how hard you worked to get where you are. We appreciate that your brother won't do that, so we are doing for him what we should have, with hindsight, done for you".

They need to listen to listen to her and actually hear her -this isn't about money, it's about the fact that she feels they care more for her brother. And (unless they are happy for her to believe it) it is up to then to persuade her otherwise.

I don't, by the way, think this is either intentionally sexist or intentional favouristm - there are many things I do differently with ds2 because I have learned from ds1. That doesn't mean I love him more, it just means that with greater experience of parenting, I see the warning signals and am able to react more quickly.

Your SIL may be realising what will happen if they send a lazy and possibly not very well behaved 11 year old to an appalling state comp .

If you niece can be persuaded to look at this from her brother's point of view, she might realise that her parents are actually doing the right thing - but they also owe her an apology and an explanation.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:50

And equality doesn't always mean treating everyone the same. If their DD went to a good state school it might have been different. But it wasn't - 'absolutely appalling state comp, zero facilities, was picked on for being clever'.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:52

I can see what you're saying Maryz, but they haven't put their DD into a private sixth form have they?

exoticfruits · 01/08/2012 14:53

I agree entirely with the niece.
Either they think that she was hard working enough to make it in a poor school and he isn't or they think that a boy's education is more important.
Whatever it is the parents owe her an explanation.(not that the second one can possibly be a valid explanation).
On the whole I agree with Mary

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:55

'They also owe her an apology and an explanation.'

Maryz is right. The only way out of this for them is a huge mea culpa about how badly they handled the situation with their DD, how she should be so proud - as they are - of what she accomplished in that place and how they are going to support the hell out of her now, including covering her fees at uni.

lisaro · 01/08/2012 14:55

I think you should tell them you don't want to be involved as it's their business and absolutely nothing to do with you.

quietlysuggests · 01/08/2012 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:56

(Because she really does have to justify herself to this seventeen year old)

MarygoeZforgold · 01/08/2012 14:58

Yes, Narked, but it sounds as though she is happy where she is now, and obviously doing well. Maybe they think disrupting her now would not do her any good?

On the other hand they may be looking at their son and know that he would go seriously bad if left in a sinking school. Maybe the only school they have an offer for is a really, really bad one. Maybe having watched one child survive such a school, they don't want to go through it again.

I'm not saying they are right; of course they shouldn't favour one child over another, but sometimes as parents we feel we have no choice. But they should certainly be talking to her about it. She's 17, not 7, she deserves an explanation at least.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 14:58

I thought that before I read the OP Lisaro, but this is the kind of thing that causes life long estrangement.

ajandjjmum · 01/08/2012 14:59

I think your DN is entitled to an explanation - whether she agrees with it or not. And maybe an apology - if her parents hadn't realised how deeply unhappy she was, so they could have done something about it.

My DB was sent to a private school because he was doing badly (typical, lazy boy!), and my parents sent me also in my last year of Junior School, so that I didn't feel 'left out'. It was the worst thing they could have done for me - I was fine and doing well - although they did it with the best intentions.

MarygoeZforgold · 01/08/2012 15:00

I think someone needs to intervene, because if they don't sort it out the niece will feel justifiably resentful for the rest of her life . Poor kid, it isn't much of a reward for her hard work.

And if they had approached her with a "we are worried about your brother, we don't want him to have to put up with what you had to put up with, we are looking in to an alternative" she might well have supported their decision. But what they have done is very stupid.

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 01/08/2012 15:01

She's 16 and she's spent the most recent third of her life struggling in a horrible, threatening, miserable situation. It's not to do with money, but the fact that the parents are going to rescue the son from the soul sapping-environment they were happy to dump her in. Refusing to say why just looks like a further gesture of contempt.

chipmonkey · 01/08/2012 15:02

I agree with others that it's not the lack of equality but the lack of an explanation about that inequality that's wrong.
Some children do have additional needs and need more time/money spent on them.
Ds1 has had a lot more money spent on him than ds2. They both have SENs but ds2's teachers have not had to shout as loudly about him as ds1's have and also a public OT became available for ds2 where there wasn't one avaialble for ds1. We couldn't afford a private OT for both boys so had to prioritise ds1. But ds2 can see that he is a better student than ds1 so doesn't mind.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 15:05

When the money is going to be at least £65k it is also about the money.

Original poster

flute123 · 01/08/2012 15:05

Thanks everyone, some thought-provoking stuff!
Normally as a little family they get on very well and enjoy doing stuff together but from what my SIL was saying my niece has barely said a word since the row and is slamming a lot of doors which is uncharacteristic for her.
My nephew isn't particularly naughty or anything, just doesn't bother too much with his schoolwork and is a little arrogant or cocky but overall not a horrible kid. It's difficult because I'm struggling with their reasoning but they expect me to understand and somehow help them sort this out which I feel puts me in a bit of a tricky position - I don't want to fall out with anyone!
I agree that niece's reaction really isn't to do with money; in fairness they have paid for her to learn an instrument outside of school (but also in fairness to her, she was the one who chose to do it and pushed for lessons). They will support her at university of course, but I'm absolutely certain they will support my nephew in the same way when he reaches that stage so it's essentially a different secondary education that is the issue. I'm not sure it;s sexist either but I agree with the majority of you that it is just unfair. They were aware of the nightmare that was her secondary school but their attitude was that my niece would just have to rise above it all, and she made friends outside school through music etc. She's not normally a jealous girl btw, but this appears to have outed some resentment towards the rest of her family.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 01/08/2012 15:06

My DB went to private school. I went to state.

Looking back, he was naughty at primary and probably "needed it" but I would never send my child to private unless I could send all - or at least gave them all the same chance (for instance, all being allowed to do scholorship exams, only sending the one that passed being fair).

Tell your SIL she doesn't have to explain herself, but if she doesn't, her DD will see it as favoritism and won't see the logic of sending the DS who needs a stricter environment. She could explain it as "but DD, you would have flourished wherever you went, DS is the one who'll sink if I send him to that school. You didn't need the help, he will."

She's setting herself up for her DD being bitter and estranged, just at an age when she's close to leaving home, when there's not a lot of time to 'fix' this if she's not prepared to explain (even explaining as in "I/your father wasn't earning anywhere near as much when you were 10 and we had to make the decision, once we could afford it for you, you were so settled it would have been wrong to move you. We might have made the wrong choice, but you've done so well, it's hard to tell how you would have coped if we'd moved you.")

Yama · 01/08/2012 15:06

What an awful way to treat both of their children. I would imagine that this will drive a wedge between them.

So, let's see - they are ruining their own relationship with their daughter and possibly her relationship with her brother. Way to go SIL and BIL.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 15:07

'They were aware of the nightmare that was her secondary school but their attitude was that my niece would just have to rise above it all'

So she had to suck it up but not their DS. I honestly don't know how I could talk to them without ranting. Good luck.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 15:09

'Possibly her relationship with her brother'

I'd say definitely

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