WWYD - SIL and Niece row, can't help but take N's side?!?!

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I'll try and keep this short - have no idea what to say to them both!
So my niece is a v lovely girl, mega hardworking, got straight A*s at GCSE and heading for all As at AS level, grade 8 instrument etc etc. She went to an absolutely appalling state comp, zero facilities, was picked on for being clever, really miserable for her. Is now at a better state sixth form and much happier. SIL has just told her that they will be sending her younger brother (only sibling) to private school from 11 and Niece has gone absolutely bonkers. They've had a huge row, SIL is genuinely shocked that niece is taking it badly but when I heard them explaining the problem I couldn't help but see niece;s side...she's saying it feels like her brother is getting better treatment, she's saying it's really unfair because he's lazy (this is true, his school reports have hardly been glowing) and why didn't she get the chance to go etc etc. SIL is simply saying she doesn't have to justify herself (or BIL) to a 17 year old which seems to only antagonize niece even more. They asked me to talk it through with them...I've delayed for a few days to have a think! Help?!?!?!?!

FWIW..all my kids are/will be at private school so I can obviously see the benefit, but I wouldn't send just one of the four....

I wonder if they are setting your niece up for what you see a lot of people say on here.

The DD runs around, hard working, doing everything to help everyone. Is seen as the capable one so is given shit all and left to struggle. Where as the DS is seen as flaky and useless so no one expects them to do anything, work for anything and continues to give them hand outs on a plate when ever they need it.

I hope I am wrong.

Good luck to your niece.

Your niece sounds absolutely awesome. Tell her from me that life isn't fair, and freedom comes when you accept that - and don't let it or unfair people hold you back.

Tell her that funnily enough at this stage of her life she actually has an advantage over private school kids. I sincerely hope she has applied to Oxbridge because that is what she deserves. If she hasn't applied, why not! Take a gap year and apply next year.

Regarding your position, I would agree with her that it is unjust. It is unfair she had to deal with bullying by losers for doing the right thing. BUT that she mustn't let the unjustness hold her back, and that loser brother needs the help to stop being a bum and she didn't - and all power to her elbow, that she did it in the worst circumstances - and she still did it.

Wow, if she were my niece I would be so proud of her. Do you think your family could take her out when her A levels come in and make a big fuss of her?

Dontmind - I was engaged to the 3rd son of a family of 7 children. The two daughters were privately educated and all 5 boys were state educated.

The father was an EA/financial abuser but adored his girls. The boys were just left to sink or swim as he had no time for them. I didn't go through with the wedding when I realised that the middle son had learnt many of the EA traits from his father!

Treatment determined by gender is still sexism sadwidow28 ... :)

I don't know if it's sexism, or if they would have done the same with a lazy DD2, but it is horribly unfair, made worse by the fact that her schooldays were horrible. I don't think they can justify it.
And not all private schools push lazy-arses. Except out the door when their results go downhill.

I dont see the issue. Your niece is doing well and whilst her school years were difficult she is now happy and on track to do very well. Perhaps her parents couldn't afford it when she was younger? brother may need more help and support to get similar qualifications. I don't see why they should feel guilty for spending this money I assume that hey will be helping to support her if she chooses to go to university?

You ought to send your DN a link to Stately Homes... and suggest she google shrinks, cos there is a clear disparity in upbringing/affection.

I hope she excels at university and leaves her family behind.

The poor girl.

OP, have the parents come into money only recently, or could they have afforded to do something when their daughter was having a torrid time at school over the years, such as paying additional transport costs to send her to a less shitty state school?

I can't help to wonder - if the parents do have a good reason, as they seem to think, why don't they want to tell the niece? She is 17 and apparently smart, she would understand.

If the reason is "because he just deserves better" then I understand why they don't want to explain..but would not help to smooth things either.

Bloody outrageous, IMO. They absolutely owe her an explanation but, of courses there isn't one that will cut any ice. If I were your niece, I'd clear off to university and probably resent them forever.

So unfair. I firmly believe siblings should be given absolutely equal treatment unless there are genuine differences in actual need (for example SN) - that does not seem to be the case here.

FWIW I went to public school, DB did not. He's much smarter than me & more successful.

Your DN is 17, not 7. They owe her an explanation.

I agree with your SIL that she doesn't have to justify herself to a 17 year old.

Of course in a year your niece will be off to university. After that she doesn't have to bother coming home for visits, phone, email or in fact have anything to do with them.

I got married straight out of university so my last year of A-levels was my last year living with my parents. That year has had a huge impact on my relationship with them as it is the one I remember best. (In my case it was a very positive year.)

That is absolutely appalling treatment of your niece. I have a nasty feeling that Xales is bang on the money. Come the wet ass hour (quote from Al Pacino in Sea of Love) when your SIL and BIL get old i bet its the DD they turn to for care either directly (hands on ) or indirectly. And i bet the wayward son will be bailed out at every oppurtunity. Hope im wrong but from what you have posted OP, i can see that pattern already starting to form.

OOOooooo decisions, decisions

One child is being horribly bullied in totally crap bog standard comp

One child is an idle little twerp

Oooooo which one should go to private school?

Blatant favouritism towards penis owner imo

EXACTLY. How the FUCK is this not sexist.

I agree with Blackcurrents

Money should be found to pad out DN's educational cv. With her results and state schooling she should find someone to help her with Oxbridge/Russell Group applications. Is there no teacher at her school that could help? I would have thought the school would actively encourage this - it looks good to parents, governors and the LEA.

Private pupils tend to better perform in interviews. Independent schools do a very good job of turning out polished, articulate candidates. Perhaps DN could use this to her advantage when applying?

OP - I don't envy you the conversation with your SIL. I feel awful for your DN. Whether we like it or not, private schools have the money to spend on teachers, facilities and extras. Your DN may have excelled/enjoyed classics and Latin, mandarin or engineering. This is the problem - missed opportunities, and she's savvy enough to realise it.

I have similar problems with my niece at the moment too OP. (DBs daughter) she is being treated badly by her stepdad so i know what its like to be in this position as an aunt. Its hard.