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Original poster

DP told me last night he doesn't want sex with me...ever

87 replies

AnaIsAlwaysShocked · 01/08/2012 09:22

I don't know what to make of it or where to go from here.

He says he wants to stay with me but doesn't want a sexual relationship with me.

DS was born 10 months ago, he wouldn't sleep with me during pregnancy so it's been a solid 18 months with no physical contact. I am 27, so last night I brought some condoms and tried to initiate something when we were in bed. He announces he doesn't want any more babies (neither do it) and he can't risk it ever again.

DD1 I was on the pill but was sick on it for a week, took a week to recover (all the time taking the pill) but fell after that.

DD2 was a contraceptive patch failure.

I had a miscarriage after a coil failure.

And DS is the result of an injection failure.

We had said when we were ready I would have the implant and use condoms until he had the snip and I would continue with the implant. We had agreed to just use condoms until we got into the swing of things, then I would make the appointment.

Appointment is booked for next week.

Now he's said not to bother with appointment as nothing will happen.

I've been up all night, I am 27 I can't imagine a life without sex forever, but I can't imagine breaking up a family just based on my sexual needs. I have no idea what to do, he wouldn't do relationship counciling.

OP posts:
HedgeHogGroup · 01/08/2012 09:23

Someone wiser than me will come on in a minute... chin up... there will be a solution!

bleedingheart · 01/08/2012 09:25

If he is going to withdraw sex from the relationship without consultation, the very least he can do is agree to relationship counselling! I can understand his reluctance due to the contraception issues, but if that is being addressed then he needs to explain it and discuss ti with you.

A relationship can survive no sex if the choice is mutual but not like this.

bleedingheart · 01/08/2012 09:27

He has an opportunity to take responsiblilty for contraception and decides instead just to stop having sex?!

Has he always had a low sex drive?

Queenofsiburbia · 01/08/2012 09:30

Wow OP. this sounds seriously tough.

I think you need to ask why...
Do you think it's because he's terrified of more DCs? Is there something else going on (like depression etc which can affect sex drive) or even could he be seeing somebody else? Awful thought but I guess you need to know.

I really don't think you should need to accept no sex ever again at 27. I understand not wanting to break up with someone though when you have 3 children. If it can be worked through, and you still love him, then its probably worth it but rather depends on his reasons.

I guess for more help with your thread you need to explain abit more what he's like as a person & as yr OH.

MitsoTsukahara · 01/08/2012 09:31

Oh how cold he sounds, you have my greatest sympathy. He won't do counselling, he won't have a vasectomy. It sounds like he has shut himself off from you completely. This is going to be awful until you find out what's really going on with him, and if he doesn't tell you then he's being hugely unfair. How on earth does he think that sort of relationship could possibly work?

Leaving the sex aside for a moment, how is your relationship otherwise? And how is his relationship with your children?

Offred · 01/08/2012 09:32

Is it possible he is just freaking out about the vasectomy?

OlympyWindowMash · 01/08/2012 09:32

It's completely unworkable. He can't expect you to stay with him on that basis and also refuse relationship counselling. Did he previously have a good sex drive?
He said not to bother with the appointment - that sounds like he is completely disinterested in your opinion on the matter and your needs. I hardly need to ask how is your relationship otherwise? Because it sounds like he is selfish and inconsiderate. It could possibly be explained by depression as depression can make one very inward looking and inconsiderate of others feelings.
He needs to agree to either go to the doctor or a psychosexual therapist or face up to losing you. You can't be expected to live without sex from the age of 27.

skyebluesapphire · 01/08/2012 09:33

If his fear is that you will get pregnant then take all precautions that you can.

It seems very irrational to never have sex ever again...

He should have counselling.

Original poster
AnaIsAlwaysShocked · 01/08/2012 09:34

Thanks for the replys, I feel so lost.

Sexually he's very much a 'more he has it the more he wants it' and then 'the less he has it, the less he wants' so things have always very up and down.

He doesn't trust the contraception and has said he doesn't want any sexual contact as it will mean he will end up wanting more.

He seems resigned to a sex free life and thinks I should respect that decision, even if it isn't what I want or need.

OP posts:
didldidi · 01/08/2012 09:39

The fear of pregnancy doesn't explain why he wouldn't sleep with her during pregnancy though...

Offred · 01/08/2012 09:40

I mean we are making decisions like that at the moment. I am terrified of falling pregnant, we had a condom accident recently and I had to take MAP which is crap because I'm deliberately not using hormonal contraception, it was horrible and I had to hurriedly rush off from the dcs sports day to get it.

He has been referred for vasectomy but I don't think he really is sure about it. I see it as his choice. It is his body and his fertility, I don't want him to feel degraded over it. Yes you could argue pregnancy and birth involves a lot of humiliation and degradation if you view it that way but I don't see it as a reason to insist he not allow himself to be bothered by that when he is making a decision about himself.

We didn't have sex for a really long time after/during twin pg about 18m precisely because I was terrified of pg. I can sympathise. It was a temporary reaction to fear and things are fine now, we are having better and better sex and actually did it twice yesterday. It may be temporary for him. He might actually need a temporary withdrawal from the responsibility and fear for a while in order to feel better. He needs to have some insight into what is going on in his own feelings.

squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 09:40

You are 27, not 72. He cannot expect you to spend the rest of your life with him in a sexless relationship.

The only choice I can see is that he agrees to counselling for this, or you end the relationship if he is unwilling to sort this out.

Queenofsiburbia · 01/08/2012 09:42

I may well get flamed about this but I do strongly believe that a sex life is an important part of a relationship.

Obviously there are times when it's abit more sparse than others, especially with children! But to completely write it off is quite selfish and also hurtful - we all want to feel wanted.

Getting pregnant is a two way thing, he's acting like its something you did to hurt him (like an affair for eg) but he was there too!

How would he react if you said this was a deal breaker? Do you think that threatening to leave if he doesn't get counselling is something that might work? It's huge I know but it may be your only option.

Offred · 01/08/2012 09:42

So yes, counselling. To withdraw the possibility of ever having a sexual relationship is totally unreasonable and he at the very least needs to explore why he said that to you and whether that is really how he feels etc

Original poster
AnaIsAlwaysShocked · 01/08/2012 09:44

Relationship wise things were getting back on tract, he's been away alot with work and has alot of stressful situations at work to deal with, thats why I've not pushed for sex before now.

He's work has settled and so recently things were pretty good.

I can't see why he doesn't think I should bother with the implant, that seems very final. If he wanted me to have it then I could understand the need to be over protected and maybe one day get back to it.

OP posts:
MitsoTsukahara · 01/08/2012 09:44

He thinks you should 'respect that decision, even if it isn't what I want or need'.

So he has no respect whatsoever for what you want or need. I do not see how there is any way forward for a marriage with an attitude like that. I'm very sorry for your situation and can only hope you and your partner can come to a solution - but it seems like it is him who needs the most help.

Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 09:46

This isn't about contraception, i am worried that he is dealin with MH issues here.

24joy · 01/08/2012 09:50

Those are strange pregnancy failures - does he trust you?

OhEmGee24 · 01/08/2012 09:51

Ok so he's written off intercourse for fear of pregnancy (dramatic!) but is he totally over all foreplay too??

Tangointhenight · 01/08/2012 09:56

What age is he? If he's like any 25-30 year old man I know there's no way he will be able to go the rest of his life without sex, so if he's scared to have sex with you where will he get it??

I agree that it sounds like he has mental health issues, men can get depressed post natally too, so maybe it's that, 3 kids by that age is a big responsibility and it sounds like his paranoia means he is cracking under the strain of it, my DH found one baby at 30 hard to come to terms with however it hasn't affected our sex life, he has just decided to take responsibility for contraception now which is fair enough, I'm glad if it!

I wish there was something I could say that would help but the bottom line is although sex isn't the be all and end all it is important in a healthy relationship, by posting here you have demonstrated that you are worried and as such you obviously regard it as important, therefore it's not fair on you for him to just write it off and say he doesn't want it anymore.

He needs to understand how serious this is.

Original poster
AnaIsAlwaysShocked · 01/08/2012 10:00

Yes he won't do anything, as he 'knows it will make him want to do more'.

I think he trusts me regarding contraceptives. The first one, ok I didn't think after a week of the pill without sickness I would still be at risk.

Second one, he could see/feel the patch.

Three and four was completely out of my hands. I relied on someone to fit the coil correctly and injection to work.

OP posts:
didldidi · 01/08/2012 10:04

After four unplanned pregnancies I probably would be scared off too!

Original poster
AnaIsAlwaysShocked · 01/08/2012 10:08

Think I will take a few days to compose myself and will have a big discussion about this, if he has any underlying issues and what the hell he expects me to do about my sexual needs.

Bottom line I think is, never will mean a break up and he least needs to work towards some kind of sexual relationship at some point.

OP posts:
wfhmumoftwo · 01/08/2012 10:08

I agree that counselling has to be considered here. It is unreasonable of him to dismiss this outright. If his fear of another child is behind this (understandable) then he should do what he can to prevent this by having the vasectemy.

He is being unrealistic in thinking that this is ok. Its not. And it wont end up in a happy place if the 2 of you can not come to some agreement. As i see it, you will either
i) stay and put up for the sake of family life - but end up resenting him and being miserable which most likely would lead to a break up
ii) be tempted to have affairs - which would lead to break up

He needs to understand that by putting this on you he is effectively going to end the relationship and family unit as it stands.

I agree that you cannot (and should not) force him to have sex (and would you enjoy it anyway in those circumstances) but to refuse to discuss it, and make good attempts to understand and overcome that reluctance is not right and cannot imo be healthy. For a sexless marriage to work, both parties have to agree that choice not one just putting up with it.

KickTheGuru · 01/08/2012 10:10

So you have had like 4 failed contraceptions? Three resulted in children and one an mc?

I am 30 and I've never had it once

If I had had such a huge number of failed contraceptions, I would stop having sex as well.

I completely understand where he is coming from. He loves you, but 4 failed encounters on contraceptions is a BIG deal.