DP told me last night he doesn't want sex with me...ever

[AnaIsAlwaysShocked]

I don't know what to make of it or where to go from here.

He says he wants to stay with me but doesn't want a sexual relationship with me.

DS was born 10 months ago, he wouldn't sleep with me during pregnancy so it's been a solid 18 months with no physical contact. I am 27, so last night I brought some condoms and tried to initiate something when we were in bed. He announces he doesn't want any more babies (neither do it) and he can't risk it ever again.

DD1 I was on the pill but was sick on it for a week, took a week to recover (all the time taking the pill) but fell after that.

DD2 was a contraceptive patch failure.

I had a miscarriage after a coil failure.

And DS is the result of an injection failure.

We had said when we were ready I would have the implant and use condoms until he had the snip and I would continue with the implant. We had agreed to just use condoms until we got into the swing of things, then I would make the appointment.

Appointment is booked for next week.

Now he's said not to bother with appointment as nothing will happen.

I've been up all night, I am 27 I can't imagine a life without sex forever, but I can't imagine breaking up a family just based on my sexual needs. I have no idea what to do, he wouldn't do relationship counciling.

I think however that his problem is likely to be quite significant if it is that and actually will only get worse and more far reaching if he doesn't do anything to sort it out.

It's fine if both of you want it and/or can live with the arrangement without it affecting your relationship in a negative way or affecting the self-esteem of the one who still wants it and probably eventually will feel very rejected.
Did I not make that clear in my post?

by 'both of you want it' I mean both of you want to remove sex from the relationship.

It's not fair to decide to live like that unless both of you are ok with it,100% ok with it.

And OP isn't.

Yes auxey you did it was more to tango.

Tango - I don't think it is fair for one partner to expect to make unilateral decisions about the other's sex life.

Do think it is fine for one to decide they never want sex again and for their partner not to force or coerce them to change even if the decision is made at the time for silly or irrational reasons. Same as if one person decides they want more sex and the other doesn't.

offred agreed! :o

Wow you have been very unlucky with contraception! I can understand him not wanting to risk it again in some ways.

I agree with others that he needs help to get through this. Is there any way you can insist on some form of sexual counselling together or time with a contraceptive specialist to go through all your options? He may say he won't however that is totally unfair on you and unreasonable. I think you could actually use that as unreasonable grounds in a divorce!!!

I can't imagine at 27 to be told I was never going to be shagged again. I would be very upset with that. Eventually this could destroy your self esteem and self worth or push you into the arms of another.

Can you suggest that you have an open relationship so you can have sex with other men? This is probably the last thing you want but it may shock him into realising you are not going to sit back and accept this.

If he really refuses to budge you have to weigh up your options of a sexless marriage or separating

Did he stop having sex with you during your previous pregnancies? If not then is there a possibility of an affair?

I hope you can sit down and he will discuss this and take your feelings into account too.

Good luck.

To cut a long story short, I got pregnant, unexpectedly. I had just finished chemo and had a coil fitted. I had to have a termination for medical reasons. I was absolutely distraught and told DH I would never have sex with him again in case it all happened again. I didn't trust contraception.
He had a vasectomy in the end he was always adamant he wouldn't have one because he didn't want a sexless marriage.
The point I'm making is I have been where your DP is. I understand his fear! You WILL get past this fear but I think he needs to keep his appointment and be honest with the Doctor. (I made DH wait until he had done 2 clear samples after the snip!)

Auxey, what happened in the end (I'm assuming this all happened a long while ago)? If you could give your younger self advice, what would you say?

Just wanted to add also

Dc1 - pill failure
Dc2- planned
Miscarriage- condoms no obvious splits at all!!!
dc3- planned
Dc 4/5 (twins)- condoms splits and morning after pill

Me and my husband do not want anymore children at all, my husband more so than me!!! But is not behaving in this way at all. My dh has now had the snip but before that we were so so do careful with condoms and basically avoidIng sex around ovulation etc till snip date came in!!!

I feel for you so much because that intamcy from
Sex is what it's all about the closeness.

I really hope you can get things sorted as it is so unfair for you.

My dd came along despite never missing a single pill

From my point of view, sex in a relationship is a big thing,it's there to make the bond between the couple stronger,a way of showing tender love & afection. For one party to push the other away is a slippery slope to divorce. He must be one he'll of a cold hearted man to treat you like he has.