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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP told me last night he doesn't want sex with me...ever

87 replies

AnaIsAlwaysShocked · 01/08/2012 09:22

I don't know what to make of it or where to go from here.

He says he wants to stay with me but doesn't want a sexual relationship with me.

DS was born 10 months ago, he wouldn't sleep with me during pregnancy so it's been a solid 18 months with no physical contact. I am 27, so last night I brought some condoms and tried to initiate something when we were in bed. He announces he doesn't want any more babies (neither do it) and he can't risk it ever again.

DD1 I was on the pill but was sick on it for a week, took a week to recover (all the time taking the pill) but fell after that.

DD2 was a contraceptive patch failure.

I had a miscarriage after a coil failure.

And DS is the result of an injection failure.

We had said when we were ready I would have the implant and use condoms until he had the snip and I would continue with the implant. We had agreed to just use condoms until we got into the swing of things, then I would make the appointment.

Appointment is booked for next week.

Now he's said not to bother with appointment as nothing will happen.

I've been up all night, I am 27 I can't imagine a life without sex forever, but I can't imagine breaking up a family just based on my sexual needs. I have no idea what to do, he wouldn't do relationship counciling.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 01/08/2012 10:10

Yes he won't do anything, as he 'knows it will make him want to do more'.

That is what makes me agree there is something more going on here. It is not normal to be scared of wanting sex with your partner. :(

sternface · 01/08/2012 10:13

I can't imagine breaking up a family just based on my sexual needs

Why? Sexual needs are extremely important to most people. It baffles me why some women feel that having crap or no sex is not a good enough reason to exit a relationship. It's not a small deal at all and you have every right to reject a relationship on those terms.

IME, people often say things like this when they are having an affair but it doesn't suit them to leave the family home just yet. I'd rule that out or in before making any final decisions.

The main point of my post though was to advise you that you are not being unreasonable for wanting to exit a sexless relationship with a man who has left all the contraception to you and then probably had the cheek to resent you for its failure.

didldidi · 01/08/2012 10:16

It is not normal to be scared of wanting sex with your partner - what even after four unplanned pregnancies???

PenisVanLesbian · 01/08/2012 10:17

I think you have to see it from his point of view. If you had come on here and said "I've had four pregnancies after contraception failures, I don't want it to happen again and I'm so terrified of it I don't want to have sex", people wouldn't be calling you selfish and telling you you had mental health issues. They would be reassuring and advise counselling and help, and if he was threatening to leave you due to his "sexual needs" he would be trounced.
You aren't being fair.

Offred · 01/08/2012 10:18

I don't think you need to be drawn into the contraceptive failures, he didn't start wearing condoms to prevent pg when the first contraceptive failed. It is a shared responsibility and actually the only sure way to avoid pg is to not have sex, so it is a logical fearful reaction that he is having I suspect.

I think he needs to explore his feelings about vasectomy and condoms because it sounds as though his default is not taking responsibility for his own fertility. In addition to that I would say he should not have a vasectomy until he has explores those feelings and I think you need to make it clear that a relationship with no possibility of sex ever is a dealbreaker for you so he needs to be absolutely sure that is what he wants before he says it to you.

Original poster
AnaIsAlwaysShocked · 01/08/2012 10:18

I realise 4 unplanned pregnancies is unusual but as I've explained, we had planned to use two forms of contraception, one I would have that is medically inserted. So no error on my part and one he would control.

I have no urge for another pregnancy I am 27 at every stage I have taken medical advise on preventing it.

OP posts:
Offred · 01/08/2012 10:19

I think breaking up families talk is jumping the gun hugely here.

Offred · 01/08/2012 10:20

*drawn into discussing the contraceptive failures...

threeleftfeet · 01/08/2012 10:20

But if it was just about contraception then he wouldn't have stopped while you were pregnant, would he? There must be more to it.

lastnerve · 01/08/2012 10:21

The posts being nasty about the OP's failed contraception seriously need to check themselves.

The 'its never happened to me argument is stupid and holds no logic, that's like saying I've never been to Australia I', skeptical people tell me it exists.

Yes, 4 failed contraceptions is very strange but not impossible NO form of contraception is 100% .

stuffitunderthebed · 01/08/2012 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KickTheGuru · 01/08/2012 10:23

Not blaming the OP but merely stating that if I had had that same experience, I would be off sex

ComradeJing · 01/08/2012 10:25

Him being scared of sex/contraception does not explain why he refused to have sex with the OP whilst she was pg.

What sternface said. This sounds like a man who is detaching from the relationship.

Whilst no one has the right to demand sex in a relationship no one has the right to demand that the relationship remain sex free. Both are completely normal and acceptable things to end a relationship over.

Offred · 01/08/2012 10:27

Yes it does though because pg is the very thing he is scared of, the bump is a very obvious physical and visible reminder of your fear of sex.

Offred · 01/08/2012 10:27

I think it may be what he is scared of anyway...

FreckledLeopard · 01/08/2012 10:28

Why won't he get the snip? Do you think it's a red herring and that he is having worries about the relationship itself, rather than sex, and is using the sex thing as an excuse? Does he not want to risk his future fertility but doesn't want to come out and say so, should your relationship not work out?

I would certainly not passively accept what he's telling you. You're 27 - you should have decades more of a healthy sex life. Why should you understand his weird reasoning and why on earth does he think you should 'respect' his decision? Either he goes to counselling, openly discusses all his issues, has the balls to tell you if it's really about sex or whether it's cold feet about the relationship or he breaks the family up by refusing to discuss things. Ball is essentially in his court.

VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 01/08/2012 10:30

counselling is the only way i think you will work through this, something is seriously wrong if he is saying he will never touch you again - is he resentful about the unplanned pregnancies?
it does sound very drastic, but i would say that his strength of feeling indicates a much bigger issue and you need to get to the bottom of it - it sounds very sad and you sound as though you have largely been oblivious to his feelings.....until he has spelled it out in a very final way.

at 27 i could not live like that - i hope he agrees to counselling.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 01/08/2012 10:33

It's possible that his mates have been ribbing him with stories of "my mum knows someone who had a vasectomy and it didn't work and they had octuplets" etc.

Tbh, if I had 3 children from contraceptive failures, I'd also be sceptical of doctors telling me this way was "100%".

I don't think what he's proposing is in any way reasonable or workable, but I can see why at the moment, in his head, it seems that way IYSWIM.

MrsTomHardy · 01/08/2012 10:34

Why doesn't he take responsibility and have the snio then??

Offred · 01/08/2012 10:34

Let me be clear, I'm not sure you need relationship counselling. I think he needs counselling for himself to explore whether that is really how he feels and if so why and then you need to make choices about your relationship together once he has done that because obviously you could not be expected to stay together if you wanted a sexual relationship and he would not ever consider it.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 01/08/2012 10:36

OK. Im going to ask this...
Do you think he is having an affair? Is this just an excuse?

Offred · 01/08/2012 10:39

I stopped while pg with the dts, it was precisely because I was terrified of the pg. being terrified doesn't help you get in the mood and especially not when there is a physical reminder of your fear right there. We didn't start again until a year after they were born, 2 1/2 years later we are just back into the swing, it has involved relearning intimacy as well as getting over the fear because the fear had destroyed the intimacy and actually I have a very high sex drive, higher than DH. It was not about that. It was about the fear.

KickTheGuru · 01/08/2012 10:41

And the thing is, it's easier for a woman to be the taking contraception. It's not as invasive as "the snip" and I can see why he would be nervous to go and have an actual medical procedure while contraception seems to have failed him FOUR times.

I agree with Offred as well - the actual pregnancy is a reminder of being pregnant. He may just be scared of more children and more pregnancies.

I know people who didn't use contraception and decided to have the snip after 2 accidents but I must say, I would be very unhappy if I had 4 failed occasions. I would be out looking for blood.

Offred · 01/08/2012 10:41

I don't think men should be treated as though they should always want sex and if they don't they are clearly having it with someone else either...Hmm

KickTheGuru · 01/08/2012 10:52

Yeh I don't think they are dumb enough to go "well - I don't want to have it with you anymore" snigger snigger and leg it off to have it with someone else.

I think the affair thing is a bit of a leap

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