DP told me last night he doesn't want sex with me...ever

[AnaIsAlwaysShocked]

I don't know what to make of it or where to go from here.

He says he wants to stay with me but doesn't want a sexual relationship with me.

DS was born 10 months ago, he wouldn't sleep with me during pregnancy so it's been a solid 18 months with no physical contact. I am 27, so last night I brought some condoms and tried to initiate something when we were in bed. He announces he doesn't want any more babies (neither do it) and he can't risk it ever again.

DD1 I was on the pill but was sick on it for a week, took a week to recover (all the time taking the pill) but fell after that.

DD2 was a contraceptive patch failure.

I had a miscarriage after a coil failure.

And DS is the result of an injection failure.

We had said when we were ready I would have the implant and use condoms until he had the snip and I would continue with the implant. We had agreed to just use condoms until we got into the swing of things, then I would make the appointment.

Appointment is booked for next week.

Now he's said not to bother with appointment as nothing will happen.

I've been up all night, I am 27 I can't imagine a life without sex forever, but I can't imagine breaking up a family just based on my sexual needs. I have no idea what to do, he wouldn't do relationship counciling.

I think your DH has every right to choose celibacy. However, he has no right to expect you to also become celibate because of his choice.

It should be possible for you both to discuss and explore the consequences of his decision. How would he feel about you having sex with other people? Would you want to end the marriage? If joint counselling is not an option, would you consider going on your own? Would your practical living arrangements need to change (for example, would you want to continue sharing a bed or would separate rooms be necessary)?
Perhaps starting to talk through the details of how your 'new' relationship would work, might make him realise that opting out of sex isn't a simple, no fuss solution to his concerns.

Well if he was so scared of another pregnancy he would have the snip and not ask for op to give up something in her life that is necessary in a relationship.

That's my POV, FWIW this happened to my mum, 3 failed contraceptives and my dad was only too happy to get the snip my mum shares too much with me this isn't just a fear of pregnancy because if he was thinking normally and a healthy young man he wouldn't see abstinence as the answer, the snip would be the answer.

So I think there's something else going on here.

If it is 'just' because he is worried about pregnancy then he needs to haul his ass to the docs and get the snip. Sounds v selfish to me.

there is definitely something else going on -

op - was it just the last pg he refused to sleep with you during?
has he ever said anything about how he feels regarding the unplanned pregnancies?

i would not jump to conclusions about affiars - i doubt its that - i think he has some very deep rooted feelings that he has probably never discussed with you.

he needs to work this out - i would ask him to agree to go to counselling - relate will see either couples or people alone.

Does he want you to be sterilised OP? Thereby neatly all responsibility for contraception on you?

What he is saying is unfair and would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

I do not understand how he could have no sex with you for life. Unless he watches a lot of porn and masturbates privately when away. Everyone needs the release sometimes

Poor you OP. My ExH had a terrible sex drive and after children was never interested but then miraculously found his sex drive with another woman 10 years younger and left me for her. I felt so unloveable and unattractive due to him turning me down so often when married and I remember thinking at 31; is this what life will be like from now on? So I really feel for you. I do not understand why he cannot go and have the snip if he never wants more children. It's a less invasive procedure for him. But you can also use condoms and an implant for extra protection too. Then hopefully you won't get pregnant again.

You must be reeling today

I would not accept this. I'm amazed that you have gone 18 months without sexual contact already, this would have been a deal breaker for me a long time ago.
People don't just decide never to have sex with their partner again unless 1) they are asexual 2) they intend to leave 3) they intend to cheat 4)they are secretly gay or 5) they have serious issues around sex. If he isn't willing to address whatever is causing this then you have nowhere to go. You could easily prevent conception by using a hormonal and barrier method together, or having non penetrative sex. That is a huge red herring.

I completely agree with Tango.

Of course he is scared of another contraceptive failure, I would be too - but a normal reaction of a healthy young man in a loving relationship is NOT 'well we just won't have sex again ever'. Unless he is actually asexual and doesn't care about sex at all but surely you'd have known that before.

He could easily have the snip (unless I've missed something that says otherwise) surely.

No, of course it isn't necessarily an affair. But it is one possibility to consider. And hopefully to rule out.

Good lord... I hope no-one DH spoke to about me told him one possibility was I was having an affair

The way I see it there are two problems, that his standard way of dealing with contraception is to expect you do it and to moon about when it goes wrong but not really suffer any personal physical consequences and take no action to prevent it happening again.

The other problem is that he has told you he will never have sex again. We don't know why this is, it could be a number of reasons. He shouldn't be bullied into sex, and neither of you should be having permanent sterilisations right now I don't think.

I think he needs to examine himself and his feelings about sex and when he can be clear with you about what he wants and why then you can decide how you go forward.

I think people are underestimating how significantly a fear of sex can affect you. Mine was brought on by much less, it lasted 18 months where we didn't have sex at all and only now (over 3 years later) have we got through all the issues it threw up with intimacy and our relationship. I'm not saying that is definitely what is going on here. I just mean it could be that, if it is then there is hope but whatever it is he needs to sort out a better way of articulating himself and communicating with you.

I agree he has a fear or something else going on, if he didn't he wouldn't think twice about a vasectomy but I really do think that he needs to address it and if he refuses to OP should not feel that she has to stay trapped in a sexless relationship. If someone had a severe mental health issue that was affecting their marriage but won't seek help then I think that their partner is justified in leaving, he has an issue, he thinks that celibacy is the solution but it's not.
I never implied that he should be forced to have sex or sterilisation when he doesn't want to but if he wants to make this work he needs to seek help otherwise the relationship is dead in the water because sex is clearly important to op, rightly so, hence her reason for posting.

It would be understandable for your DP to be afraid of another contraceptive failure.
So the answer would be to have a vasectomy. Instead he says he doesn't want sex with you again and expects you to just accept this.

This does not add up, something else is going on here, he drops this bombshell and does not even agree to go to do anything about it himself or go to counselling. This is a red flag. I would insist you have a proper discussion about this, do not let him of the hook. If he still refuses to go to to counselling I would go by yourself to work out how you feel about this.

As for breaking up your family, he is the one who seems to be opting out of an essential part of your relationship for whatever reason - I would not assume this is necessarily an affair but I would consider it a possibility.

There are many threads on here where one partner has opted out and you only have to read the heart felt desperation of the bereft partner as their self esteem is eroded over the years to know it can be soul destroying. You deserve more than this.

But tango that's not necessarily so, a vasectomy is a big decision and being afraid of sex because of the possibility of children may mean that deciding to be celibate is more attractive than having a procedure which involves things some men can feel utterly exposed and humiliated about.

Being afraid of sex didn't make me think about being sterilised or pestering DH to get a vasectomy. That would have been an inappropriate reaction to the situation and it wouldn't have been a sensible time to make the decisions either.

Yes but the thing is if it was just that he was afraid of another pregnancy and all the methods his OH had used failed then he wouldn't hesitate about a vasectomy, I'm agreeing with you on this one offred I believe there are other more serious underlying issues but what I'm trying to say is that OP needs to consider her future with him if he continually refuses help and expects her to live without sex.

I'm not exactly a sex kitten ATM after having a baby, but it's not because in scared of it, I just feel very unsexy and DH understands and we are working through that together, but OPs problem is much deeper, its something else that her OH isn't being entirely honest about.

He may be seeing it in a "we have established contraception fails, vasectomy is not guaranteed, I would put myself through a difficult and humiliating operation and still be afraid that it had failed".

I can see why he is attracted to the certainty of just never having sex again. It really is the only way you can be certain.

But it may not be reasonable or rational.

Ouch haven't read whole thread so apologise for any x posts, but I'll share my experience here if that's ok?

Dd1 arrived after pill failure

Dd2 arrived after injection failure

Ds1 arrived after mirena coil failure

Ds1 now 3 mths old, sexual relations have resumed in this household, but they are few and far between and I know this is because DH is scared witless that a fourth contraceptive failure could ensue!

Currently using good old condoms as a method but this isn't good long term - at some point we WILL get blasé and think once will be ok, and then we'll be surprised when I'm pregnant again

I'd happily have a 4th now, DH would have a nervous breakdown first

So I'm booked to be sterilised not sure I want to be though

Vasectomy not an option for DH due to other issues - he would happily go and get snipped but GP & consultant not advising it for him

Is your dp just really panicking about a 4th pregnancy or does it go deeper than that? As he always had low sex drive?
Does he say he still loves you? And wants to continue a relationship with you?

No it's not reasonable or rational, or fair for that matter in fact it's downright unfair, that's why he needs help and he needs it quick before he loses his relationship with OP.

I can understand people of his age having lower sex drives but to be a happy healthy man in a loving relationship and never want sex again, in sorry that's not normal and he needs to address it.

I agree with Erik. This is no way for you to live :(

If you confirm there is nothing else to this such as an affair, would you (if you do not want any more kids) consider an Essure or Adiana along with him getting a vasectomy?

I think this combination would make it pretty impossible to get pregnant tbh.

I'm not going to get into the validity of his reason for not wanting sex again. But I will say that early in our marriage, my husband decided he didn't want sex again. No reasons were given, he just stonewalled. I loved him and decided to stay in the marriage but the repercussions of no sex when one partner still wants it are far-reaching. This can affect your relationship on every level. You lose physical intimacy and then you can lose emotional intimacy and before you know it, you're living together like lodgers. And it's not just your relationship. It can seriously affect your self-esteem.

So I would urge counselling, preferably for both of you, but if he won't go (Mine wouldn't), then you should go alone OP. That will give you the opportunity to explore if and how you can continue to live without physical intimacy in your relationship for at least the next 25 years.

I'm assuming once you've gone through menopause he'll be eager to get back in the saddle again,, if his stated reason is valid. Can you wait that long?

I happen to think that it is perfectly fine to decide you want an intimate but not sexual relationship. It might not be normal but sex is about what you want not what society wants you to do. I don't think that is what's happening here though. I don't think he has thought through that what he is saying about never having sex again applies to whoever he is in a relationship with. That it is not something the op could be happy with and therefore if it is true they would need to split up and of he met someone else his plan would be to never have sex with them either?

I think this may be about not having to do anything to confront his feelings about contraception etc, obviously if he met someone else he'd probably want to have a sexual relationship with them, I think he wants to have a sexual relationship with the op but he is afraid and he is trying to avoid having to deal with the fear.