Parallel Parenting

[FrustratedMummy101]

Firstly, I have posted in the correct place as I am not opening a parenting debate - I am very happy with my choices as I believe my choices are best for my DD. Secondly, I have name changed for this as I want advice but don't want it muddled with people I am trying to make friends with.

Right, me, DH and DD are currently living with my parents as our housing is a nightmare (we are buying as can afford a mortgage with my family's help but not to rent but the fourth one fell through yesterday) and my Dad doesn't work as he took early retirement so is around alot.

I co-sleep DD and still feed on demand even though she is now on solids (6.5 months) so that is about 3/4 times a day, I do not expect her to settle herself and am very very anti-cry-it-out with DD. My parents disagree with my parenting but let me get on with it and agree she is a lovely happy baby.

However, anytime they are alone with her (they make time happen like if I leave her playing with her toys while I go to the loo) they revert to parenting "their way" and it is driving me nuts! I really appreciate being given 30 minutes to have a shower (as DH is always out and doesn't help) but I really dislike coming out and finding them leaving DD to "cry-it-out" that doesn't sound like looking after her to me!

Its getting to the point where I am going to snap - I have decided with the HV not to introduce milk products until 9 months as I have ezcema and DH has athsma and delaying may mean she has less chance of contracting them - they want to feed her cheese.

They do not respect that the parenting of my daughter is up to me (not my sister - whole other can of worms) whether or not they respect me as a person. They cannot parallel parent my daughter - its ridiculous - I try to not let them have her unsupervised but we are living in the same house and I have her every overnight (usually a good sleeper but teething) and all but the 30-60 minutes they have her in the evening (DH doesn't do anything).

Comments they make: "she has the ability to settle herself but not the practice", "you have to let her cry" and when I pointed out a book (Kiss Me! by Carlos Gonzales) that agrees with my ideals to be a non-personal view of how I wish her to be raised they said "its not really my thing - I want to do it my way" and "I simply do not believe you"...

They are teaching my daughter to disrespect me. What to do?

They are not teaching their grandchild to disrespect you at all.

They may have different ways, but that doesnt mean that they are wrong and you are right in everything either.

At nearly 7 months, it is not going to harm your child if you dont rush to her the moment she whimpers you know! Babies do cry, they cry if they drop a toy, they cry if they cant play with something that catches their eye but is not a toy, they cry just because..

I would say you might need to relax a bit and allow them to do a bit their way. It isnt going to harm your daughter, and she is not going to "disrespect you", which I find a very odd phrase to use.

They aren't teaching your daughter to disrespect you at all. They might disagree with your methods but, as you say, you're all in the same house, and that always creates the potential for stress. So you need to talk rather than argue and you may have to compromise a little in the process.

For example, if you were alone in the house, went to the loo and the baby made a noise what would actually happen next? Would you leap from the seat immediately and attend to the baby with your pants around your ankles? Or would you take a minute to finish before rushing over? It is not 'crying it out' to wait a minute.

Agree with the others they are not teaching your dd to disrespect you.

In reality children cope fine with having different rules at home, grandparents house and school. If you are going to rely on other people like grandparents/nursery/school whatever then you need to accept their philosophy. Sorry!

Hmmm. Well I think if you want them to help look after her for a few minutes you have to let them do it their way. As for the cheese thing, I think you can put your foot down on that. But otherwise, I don't think they are doing anything wrong really. You can't really do much more than keep on gently explaining what your views are and why. Grandparents usually do things completely differently and that's normal and to be expected.

If they weren't around and you wanted a shower, what would you do? You would have to put DD in the cot and have a shower. She might cry, she might not. No harm would result. But that's your choice. You could do that rather than hand her over to your parents.

Why don't you agree a compromise - they don't have to rush to her the second she cries, but they do have to check and comfort her sooner than they would ordinarily do.

Wrt to the feeding dairy, that is a health issue, and they need to respect you on that. Why is it so important to them that she eats cheese now rather than in 2 months? Can you show them some literature that supports your HV view to delay introducing the more allergenic food?

(PS once you have more than one child, the baby has to be left to cry a lot more anyway, it doesn't mean second + siblings are 'damaged' in any way!)

IT'S SIMPLE!!!

If you don't like the way they do it then don't leave your child alone with them.
You really can't have your cake and eat it. If you want to spend 30 minutes in the shower then you either have to take the child into the bathroom with you, do it when she is asleep or accept that your dd will come across all kinds of people in her life who do things in all different ways and you won't be able to control everything.

The fact that you are living with your parents suggests that you have survived your own childhood and do not consider yourself to have been abused by your parents approach. I very much doubt that 30 minutes a day alone with them is going to do any damage to your dd - in fact the opposite may be true.

When I read something like this I wonder how on earth you think single parents manage! Can you really not have this child out of your sight and control for a minute?

You have a ideal way of parenting, but like all of us, you have to wash, go to the toilet etc. If you lived away from your parents your daughter would have to be put down for you to do those things.

Every child will cry.

Yes every child will cry and she does sometimes but not to go to sleep - clearly you do not think there is a problem with the method of crying-it-out but it is wrong for my child. They WANT to look after her for that time but do it their way as soon as my back is turned - its always underhand.

All the other times I wash etc she comes too so clearly keeping her 24 rather than 23.5 hours is the way forward...

I am 25 not some spoilt teenager everyone can judge - hey, was after support not condemnation and not parenting advice.

Wish hadn't bothered posting - thought was support forum!

Sorry OP, but if this is your attitude towards your parents as well, then no advice is going to help you. You clearly will not consider that you could be wrong.

It would be silly for people to support you if they dont agree with you.

You are not helping your daughter either by keeping her with you 24/7, but it is your choice.

Are you saying for the 30 mins you leave her they ignore her? I am struggling to understand what you feel is the problem.

If it's 30 mins a day it is not 'parallell parenting' is it? That sounds like normal 'being a grandparent'?

Are you parents overbearing of you in other ways? From here it looks like you are being over-sensitive to the effect that you perceive this to be having on your daughter.

Erm can I just ask why does dh do nothing?

I think it' fine for the OP to keep her daughter with her all the time, if that's the choice she has made, I'm not making a judgement on that at all. It's that she is criticising the GPs when she is living in their house she should be appreciative of their help and bite her tongue about the things that are not actually harming the baby.

Why does her father not help?

Offering advice is supportive. If you just want someone to pat your head, patronise you and agree with you, then you should go to netmums.

You are not sorry so don't say you are squeaky. You are saying you are wrong but don't defend yourself because its you that's wrong and you just have to accept it - a meaningless apology does not soften the blow.

Of course they are right and I am wrong and I should never have had a child because I am entirely wrong about everything and I should just sign her over to them like they want (and have drawn up the legal papers to do) because I am a crap and useless person (their exact words).

The parenting of my daughter by me is not wrong - not yet - she is perfectly parented as a baby and never sees me do anything but smile and respond to her every need. As she gets bigger and develops her own personality that will inevitably change. I do not need to defend my parenting. I will not kick my DD out at 3am because she didn't vacuum the skirting boards properly though - so I may be better than my parents.

Of course though, my attitude is wrong, so obviously you are right and I am wrong...

If you were expecting everyone to say 'you're right and they're wrong' then I think your definition of support is a little skewed. Whenever others support you by looking after your child they are also not necessarily going to agree with you. Since all of us need help when it comes to raising children and since children respond well to all kinds of methods, compromise is often a less stressful approach than being too single-minded.

Woah!!! .... where did all this bitterness suddenly come from? If you hate your parents so much, why live with them?

DH has decided to rediscover his youth - he goes to work and the money pays the bills but that is all. It is disrespectful to my family to get divorced so I just have to live with it.

I do not critcise nor have I ever said a word against them I just refuse to raise my child not knowing if anyone loves her - my parenting is not wrong but I just take her back when I find them doing something I have explicitly stated I disagree with.

I don't hate them I love them - they are my parents and to hate them is immoral and wrong.

Immoral? Isn't there a bit of a mismatch going on? On the one hand you don't trust them to look after your baby for half an hour and seem to have bad memories about being kicked out for falling down on the housework. On the other you seem to think you owe it to them to stay married, live in their house and love them. What morality is this?

Your baby spends less than an hour alone with your parents - that isn't parallel parenting OP. I advise you to come back down to earth a little.

The first thing I will say is that you must parent as suits you. That's a given.

However, you cannot control everyone else. None of our parents go along with our instructions to the letter - most of us are just thankful for the break. To be honest.

You sound a bit OTT to me. I won't argue with you, because I can see you are determined...but OP to the rest of us you sound like someone that could do with coming back down to earth a little.

Don't worry about your baby with your parents, and don't be angry with them...you are the mama and your daughter always comes back to you. x

You seem to have issues with your parents that go beyond this issue. I get the feeling you are angry with them (not immoral btw). If you feel they made errors parenting you it is ok to be angry with them. Anger is a normal emotion.

Can you shower when DH is at home so he can take responsibility? Can you ask the HV to write down your plan to exclude dairy so you can show it your parents? What about PILs? Can you stay with them to take a break from your current situation?

Nobody said you were a bad parent and that your parents were good. Nobody has said that your parental choices weren't good. Your later posts suggest that they were abusive (which makes me wonder why you live with them and your precious first born)

We are just offering our point of view as people who have more than one child/no extra pair of hands. There is no need to react so strongly. Support sometimes means being made aware of other points of view.

Well if your parents are horrid to you, you must make plans to leave asap. I can see that is what you are currently doing - so that's good.

I'm sorry - you sound very angry at the people around you - your parents and husband - and you are finding solace and pleasure in having something go well - your lovely baby. That's what I see here.

Don't attack the people on this site or treat them with bitterness. They are simply reflecting back to you what you are giving out.

I'm going to cut to the chase here and say - you my friend, would be better off going it alone.

OP, you are now drip-feeding information. There is obviously far more to this than 30 minutes of childcare each day.

If your husband goes to work, then why not avoid all this and move out. Rent somewhere and do it without any help from your parents.

wow, you need to find a way of moving out.
full stop.

that will have many results, you will realise how much help they have been, and that even though they aren't doing things exactly as you have decided they have been an enormous support to you.

You sweepingly say that divorce is not going to happen, so sit your DH down and get him to help you

If things really are as intolerable for you as you describe you need to make changes rather than moaning about it.

however,
TBH, it just sounds like you are tired and having a total moan to let off steam, that is ok as well, but perhaps if that is what this is, you'd be better off saying that.