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Original poster

Parallel Parenting

87 replies

FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 08:41

Firstly, I have posted in the correct place as I am not opening a parenting debate - I am very happy with my choices as I believe my choices are best for my DD. Secondly, I have name changed for this as I want advice but don't want it muddled with people I am trying to make friends with.

Right, me, DH and DD are currently living with my parents as our housing is a nightmare (we are buying as can afford a mortgage with my family's help but not to rent but the fourth one fell through yesterday) and my Dad doesn't work as he took early retirement so is around alot.

I co-sleep DD and still feed on demand even though she is now on solids (6.5 months) so that is about 3/4 times a day, I do not expect her to settle herself and am very very anti-cry-it-out with DD. My parents disagree with my parenting but let me get on with it and agree she is a lovely happy baby.

However, anytime they are alone with her (they make time happen like if I leave her playing with her toys while I go to the loo) they revert to parenting "their way" and it is driving me nuts! I really appreciate being given 30 minutes to have a shower (as DH is always out and doesn't help) but I really dislike coming out and finding them leaving DD to "cry-it-out" that doesn't sound like looking after her to me!

Its getting to the point where I am going to snap - I have decided with the HV not to introduce milk products until 9 months as I have ezcema and DH has athsma and delaying may mean she has less chance of contracting them - they want to feed her cheese.

They do not respect that the parenting of my daughter is up to me (not my sister - whole other can of worms) whether or not they respect me as a person. They cannot parallel parent my daughter - its ridiculous - I try to not let them have her unsupervised but we are living in the same house and I have her every overnight (usually a good sleeper but teething) and all but the 30-60 minutes they have her in the evening (DH doesn't do anything).

Comments they make: "she has the ability to settle herself but not the practice", "you have to let her cry" and when I pointed out a book (Kiss Me! by Carlos Gonzales) that agrees with my ideals to be a non-personal view of how I wish her to be raised they said "its not really my thing - I want to do it my way" and "I simply do not believe you"...

They are teaching my daughter to disrespect me. What to do?

OP posts:
Yama · 01/08/2012 10:16

I lived with my parents for about a year after I had my eldest. They followed my instructions on her parenting to the letter (I even had a table on the fridge with information on what she was to be fed).

I don't know what advice to give you as my parents wouldn't have dreamt of going against my wishes. Just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from. They are being disrespectful to you. I guess it will only be resolved when you move out.

Bonsoir · 01/08/2012 10:20

You need to have a very clear word with your parents, OP. Your DD is your daughter and they need to respect the behaviours to which you wish her to become accustomed for her security.

FWIW, my mother also had some outdated opinions about childraising which she tried to make me go along with. It's a very common thing.

Ketuk · 01/08/2012 10:22

You sound very frustrated. Have I understood correctly that your DH has stepped away from parenthood, and does not ever look after his child? That to me would be far more worrying than your parents undoing your good work for 30mins a day.

It is very hard living with other people, I understand. When my children were tiny, I could never have had a 30 minute shower though! 2 mins to get clean, max, with baby in bathroom with me (or asleep on rare occasions).

FWIW, I don't believe perfect parenting a) exists, b) consists of eternal smiling benevolence. The most important job as a parent is to equip children for independent life. Babies learn about emotions primarily from their mother (usually primary caregiver)- she needs to see you laughing and crying, happy, and angry, and calm, and worried etc (though not much, obviously). Children need to learn their parents are humans too.

Bonsoir · 01/08/2012 10:24

I used to take DD into the bathroom with me and put her in her bouncy chair next to me while I had a bath. She loved it.

Bonsoir · 01/08/2012 10:25

I agree - mothers play a crucial role in allowing DCs their full range of emotions by modelling all those emotions.

As DCs grow, they also need to learn to name each emotion correctly. Again, mothers are in a very privileged position to do this.

Original poster
FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 10:31

Thank you Yama.

DH has spent all my money and there is now only what's in the joint account for house etc he is undergoing counselling for anger management - none of my family not just parents would talk to me if we considered splitting anyone who divorces is excommunicated. Additionally, if I left DH he'd kill himself and my parents would file for custody - from what you're all saying they'd win.

If we could afford to rent we would. I am grateful they took us in or we'd be homeless.

I am not angry. I have never been allowed to be. If I ever feel like I may be I end up crying.

I have to be perfect for DD - anything less is unacceptable.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/08/2012 10:33

Oh I did that now and then - yes they do love it.
Mostly I used to wait until baby was asleep or well settled blinking into space and chuckling at nothing like they do - and then I'd go for a shower - it only takes 10.
It's not the end of the world if your baby starts to cry while you are in there - truly it isn't. You rinse off and grab a towel. That's all you need to do. It's never an issue.

pictish · 01/08/2012 10:35

Sorry x posted.

I'm going to duck out here OP as I'm off out...but needless to say things sound bleak for you atm.

I'm sure people will be along with kind advice very soon. Good luck. xx

CogitoErgOlympics · 01/08/2012 10:36

"I have to be perfect for DD - anything less is unacceptable."

You are setting yourself up for a massive fall if that is your true opinion. You appear trapped both by others as well as your own misconceptions. No court would award in-laws custody of a child, for example. Why are you not allowed to be angry, what kind of man threatens suicide and what kind of family would 'excommunicate' an unhappy daughter for divorcing such a man?

Original poster
FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 10:36

Bonsoir - I hadn't thought about it like that - I'd like her to be able to be angry and learn how to deal with it.

Ketuk - yes that's right. DH has decided he has hobbies that he'd like to do and housework/cooking/childrearing are not for him. The shower, any bleach related jobs, preparing DD's meals, drying hair, making phonecalls etc are all done in that time not just washing.

OP posts:
CogitoErgOlympics · 01/08/2012 10:37

Are you a member of some extreme religious community?

Bonsoir · 01/08/2012 10:38

Why don't you tell you DD about your frustrations? You don't have to use a sad voice, you can use a happy conspiratorial one. "Silly granny and grandad with their old fashioned ways. You and I aren't going to let them take over."

Original poster
FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 10:40

Cogito - of course I do, she doesn't have a home, a father (she does but he's not much use), a stable future (certainly financially unstable) - I've f*ed up enough the least I can do is be the perfect mother from now on.

OP posts:
CogitoErgOlympics · 01/08/2012 10:42

There is no such thing as the perfect mother but you can drive yourself into an early grave trying for it. Why have you fucked up, exactly? And why do you feel you take second place to everyone else in your life?

Original poster
FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 10:42

No religion at all - family taught me what's right/wrong.

I like that Bonsoir - that's made me less sad :)

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/08/2012 10:48

OP has your husband been violent or aggressive towards you?

Original poster
FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 10:48

Cogito - a baby's parents usually (in this case just me as DH disinterested) are responsible for providing shelter, providing for them and raising them with love - I have failed in two out of three already.

I have to be there for DH and clean up after him when he spends too much/ gets into trouble and look after DD and I am just not very important in my own right. Its an interesting though though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgOlympics · 01/08/2012 10:48

If your family has taught you that it is acceptable to stay with a man that is angry, reckless and lazy then that's what you should be questioning. Not yourself.

CogitoErgOlympics · 01/08/2012 10:49

You have provided your baby with shelter, food, clothes and love. It may be someone else's home but I do not see failure at all. Why are you so hard on yourself?

Original poster
FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 10:51

Fairenuff - yes and others which is why I need to bail him out so often we have to pay for this anger management thingy so he stops. My parents have supported me to stay with him even though I wanted to split when DD was born as its not the life I wanted for her.

If I say too much more I will out myself :(

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 01/08/2012 10:53

FrustratedMummy101 - you are your DD's mother and primary carer. It is absolutely in order for you to express your opinions about the world at large (including your parents and even your DH) to her, providing you do not burden her with negative emotions. The smiley, conspiratorial voice will increase your feelings of intimacy with her, and hers with you, and you will feel much stronger because you are sharing your feelings with someone who loves you.

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2012 10:53

If you left your DH, your parents would file for custody? What on earth put that notion into your head?

And divorcing would be disrespectful to your family so you just have to be a "perfect" mum?
You sound under tremendous strain, do you think you could talk to your gp?
You may well have some form of pnd. Sad. Hope things get better for you soon, but really, do talk to someone who can help.

Bonsoir · 01/08/2012 10:55

I agree that you may want to talk to your GP/HV about what is going on. In some areas of the country you may be able to get NHS counselling (and, if you are offered this, jump at the chance).

Original poster
FrustratedMummy101 · 01/08/2012 10:57

Cogito - is it hard on myself? I just know what's expected of me and what I expect of myself - DD is my world and I don't want her to ever feel unloved even for a second. You are throwing up interesting thoughts though its making me cry so maybe I'm not doing as ok as I thought.

I didn't mean to drip feed its just there's so much in my head and its hard to know where the beginning is.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 01/08/2012 10:59

Your parents are trying to control you, their adult daughter. You are in a lot of pain.