Parallel Parenting

[FrustratedMummy101]

Firstly, I have posted in the correct place as I am not opening a parenting debate - I am very happy with my choices as I believe my choices are best for my DD. Secondly, I have name changed for this as I want advice but don't want it muddled with people I am trying to make friends with.

Right, me, DH and DD are currently living with my parents as our housing is a nightmare (we are buying as can afford a mortgage with my family's help but not to rent but the fourth one fell through yesterday) and my Dad doesn't work as he took early retirement so is around alot.

I co-sleep DD and still feed on demand even though she is now on solids (6.5 months) so that is about 3/4 times a day, I do not expect her to settle herself and am very very anti-cry-it-out with DD. My parents disagree with my parenting but let me get on with it and agree she is a lovely happy baby.

However, anytime they are alone with her (they make time happen like if I leave her playing with her toys while I go to the loo) they revert to parenting "their way" and it is driving me nuts! I really appreciate being given 30 minutes to have a shower (as DH is always out and doesn't help) but I really dislike coming out and finding them leaving DD to "cry-it-out" that doesn't sound like looking after her to me!

Its getting to the point where I am going to snap - I have decided with the HV not to introduce milk products until 9 months as I have ezcema and DH has athsma and delaying may mean she has less chance of contracting them - they want to feed her cheese.

They do not respect that the parenting of my daughter is up to me (not my sister - whole other can of worms) whether or not they respect me as a person. They cannot parallel parent my daughter - its ridiculous - I try to not let them have her unsupervised but we are living in the same house and I have her every overnight (usually a good sleeper but teething) and all but the 30-60 minutes they have her in the evening (DH doesn't do anything).

Comments they make: "she has the ability to settle herself but not the practice", "you have to let her cry" and when I pointed out a book (Kiss Me! by Carlos Gonzales) that agrees with my ideals to be a non-personal view of how I wish her to be raised they said "its not really my thing - I want to do it my way" and "I simply do not believe you"...

They are teaching my daughter to disrespect me. What to do?

Yes - I am doing the housework as, as previously stated, we cannot afford to pay rent in the area so we give them £200 a month towards food and I do the housework. I am not "kept as a slave" I am allowed out whenever I want providing the chores get done - if I wasn't here they'd get a cleaner (the last 2 sacked them for unreasonable behaviour)!

Course its for real - confused as to what else would be going on?

I want my family to love me and my husband to support me financially - they both have the capacity to happen - I have been to a refuge before and ended up in a psychiatric inpatient ward for four days (clinical depression) that would be very bad for DD.

I put off posting for weeks because I was worried nobody would believe me - I got told when I was a teenager by a teacher it was impossible to suffer neglect in a family like mine so I don't see how they are abusive either.

If I'm going to be accused of lying (essentially) I will ask HQ to delete the thread.

It's beginning to sound like fiction, tbh.

I could work but DH promised to support us financially and I have given him or he has stolen literally all the money I made, why should he not do that for us
You need some sort of help, fast. You are completely divorced from reality.

Why would you lose your child if you left? What advice have women's aid given you?

Is it a hotel or B & B that your parents own? Is there a cultural difference here?

I dont know how to put this without you flying off the handle, but you seem to have been almost brainwashed into believing that this situation must be accepted. It shouldnt. It isnt normal.

I am not being antagonistic, but it really is hard to believe, and certainly a lot more than an issue of 30 minutes childcare a day.

If your husband is working, then £50 a week should mean there is a lot of money left over, is that being saved or is he spending it on himself?

You are an adult. It is not a case of "being allowed out".

Honestly OP I really don't know what to say. It is obviously a difficult situation for you living in your parents house with your family. That is very seldom easy for anyone. In my opinion there has to be some give and take. I don't think that in the space of you going to the loo your parents can act in a way that is detrimental to your DD or to your own method of parenting.

There is a lot of good advice on this thread. A lot of people have or had issues with their parents. I did myself. And children believe it or not adapt to grandparents methods and realise quickly the difference. And as long as Grandparents are doing anything you completely disagree with then why not relax a bit.

You must make a decision whether it is better for you and your child to stay where you are or make the break and move away. I don't like this perfect parenting concept. You do your absolute best for your children and you can do no more.

Women's aid have helped me write a 'safety plan' and it will be implemented if he is violent again - they gave me some legal advice which said my parents could file for custody citing that I cannot financially support her and my severe mental health history would help their case - legally unless I am found unfit it is not likely to be successful but if it is I would be allowed access and would have grounds to challenge the decision. I was advised it would come down to the quality of solicitor and they can afford a better one.

Alot of the money is going on conveyancing fees/surveys/storage costs but he is also spending quite a bit.

I find it very hard to be accused of lying (fiction) so I will let the thread die now. I have alot to process from the thread and if I can't be believed here then I won't in RL so that is useful too. :(

Vivienemary - you make a good point.

Just to let you know that this thread has been reported to us a fair few times and we are on the case. As things currently stand, we have no reason to think the OP is not genuine but thanks to all who reported their concerns - we appreciate you doing so via the Report system and not by posting on the thread.

so he ahs been violent before?
why yous till with him? it makes no sense.

look you ar eth biological mother.
no grandparent is going to get custody of your child unless you really are unfit mother which you celary are not.

steam cleaning? too much..

"if I left DH he'd kill himself " will he? really? why?

if he has made these threats then you do realise it is emotional blackmail dont you?

"and my parents would file for custody - from what you're all saying they'd win."

no one has said that. you said you only leave baby with them for 30 minutes a day. that doesnt make them a parent.

you love your baby
you happy with your baby.

you unhappy living there and you unhappy with your dh.

leave. get advice on how to lave and leave.

OP firstly it does seem that your parents are controlling and have already done a fair bit of psychological damage to you. Have you read the Stately Homes thread at all? You will get plenty of support there if you would like it regarding your past and your current relaitonship with your parents.

How you parent your own child is a completely different matter. If you stay where you are, your parents are likely to try and control her as well as you. You say that going it alone would be 'hell for the first few years'. Well, yes. It might be very difficult indeed. But staying could be hell for the rest of your life. And hers.

I want my family to love me and my husband to support me financially

From what you have said, I don't think this is every going to happy. Sorry. I think you need to rely on yourself now. You be the parent your dd deserves. You can do it.

I don't think this is every going to happy? *is ever going to happen

All I'm going to say is that you have as much right to be happy as any other person in the world.