Parallel Parenting

[FrustratedMummy101]

Firstly, I have posted in the correct place as I am not opening a parenting debate - I am very happy with my choices as I believe my choices are best for my DD. Secondly, I have name changed for this as I want advice but don't want it muddled with people I am trying to make friends with.

Right, me, DH and DD are currently living with my parents as our housing is a nightmare (we are buying as can afford a mortgage with my family's help but not to rent but the fourth one fell through yesterday) and my Dad doesn't work as he took early retirement so is around alot.

I co-sleep DD and still feed on demand even though she is now on solids (6.5 months) so that is about 3/4 times a day, I do not expect her to settle herself and am very very anti-cry-it-out with DD. My parents disagree with my parenting but let me get on with it and agree she is a lovely happy baby.

However, anytime they are alone with her (they make time happen like if I leave her playing with her toys while I go to the loo) they revert to parenting "their way" and it is driving me nuts! I really appreciate being given 30 minutes to have a shower (as DH is always out and doesn't help) but I really dislike coming out and finding them leaving DD to "cry-it-out" that doesn't sound like looking after her to me!

Its getting to the point where I am going to snap - I have decided with the HV not to introduce milk products until 9 months as I have ezcema and DH has athsma and delaying may mean she has less chance of contracting them - they want to feed her cheese.

They do not respect that the parenting of my daughter is up to me (not my sister - whole other can of worms) whether or not they respect me as a person. They cannot parallel parent my daughter - its ridiculous - I try to not let them have her unsupervised but we are living in the same house and I have her every overnight (usually a good sleeper but teething) and all but the 30-60 minutes they have her in the evening (DH doesn't do anything).

Comments they make: "she has the ability to settle herself but not the practice", "you have to let her cry" and when I pointed out a book (Kiss Me! by Carlos Gonzales) that agrees with my ideals to be a non-personal view of how I wish her to be raised they said "its not really my thing - I want to do it my way" and "I simply do not believe you"...

They are teaching my daughter to disrespect me. What to do?

"My parents have supported me to stay with him "

Imagine your DD was 25 and living with an angry, lazy man who had spent all her money. Would you be doing everything to keep her in that situation or everything to get her out? Surely the latter.

The more you say, the more you seem to me to need a place to go to. Have you considered calling Women's Aid?

Floggingmolly - they told me they would and went to see a solicitor to draw up an agreement for me to sign her over there and then - when I refused they said they'd only persue it if we split up.

I have been cleared by GP/HV as not having PND - they said I have a rational stress response but not depression (have had clinical depression for years prior to pregnancy).

It sounds as if your DD has brought joy to your life and lifted your depression.

If you want to continue to be a good mother to her, you need to deal with the underlying causes of your depression or they will return when your DD grows up and away a little.

Frustrated The author Nora Ephron had a great quote - 'dont be the victim of your life, be the heroine'
Your DH and parents are really not by the sounds of it treating you well so you need to get the help required to stand up to them and forge your own life with your lovely daughter and they can be involved if they wish.

Until you are ready to do this you need to relax a bit about how your parents are looking after your daughter. Almost all mothers/daughters have disagreements around grandchildren but they tend to learn to live with them.

No one can be the perfect parent so just try to be loving and engaged, that will go a long way. If you keep up this level of intensity with your DD, ultimately you may do more harm than good.

Good luck, you sound like a good person who just needs to get some confidence and strike out on her own

Already in contact with Women's Aid - go for a 'chat' every few weeks - they said that my parents are within their rights to file but may not win. If I left, they said, he'd be more likely to fight to see her even though he's not currently interested and I'd have to be aware the courts would award him unsupervised as never been violent to her.

I just have to keep juggling everyone/thing - I keep her 23 hours a day at the moment 7 days a week, I'm tired but she's safe and happy. I like the idea - Bonsoir - to keep it fun with her.

If I leave any of them DD will grow up in conflict - staying she won't - only I am unhappy and when DD is with me I'm happy, genuinely and completely, its just us.

It sounds as if you are being forced to stay in a violent relationship against your will. This is illegal. I think it may be worth seeking legal advise. Womens Aid would definitely be the best people to help you initially imo.

• advice

FrustratedMummy101 - your DD is growing up in unresolved conflict if you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid the wrath of your parents and husband. She will learn, from you, that self-defence and self-assertion are not allowed. Is that what you want for her? To grow up into a depressed adult unable to defend herself against those who wish to control her?

Frustrated Speaking as someone who until the age of 11 lived with a downtrodden mother and a bullying, useless father, I can tell you that the day he left a cloud lifted over our heads.
For a child there is nothing worse than conflict in the home, the home should be a safe, stress free cocoon for small children. A happy bedsit is much better than an unhappy manor

I'd rather she didn't but at least she'll know I love her more than anything - and I never did when I was little (my sister was) so she will be different. She'll grow up knowing she's important. I will never have another baby for the same reasons - in case I love one and not the other.

Frustrated please dont think that loving one child more than another is normal - its not

RealityAlwaysWins and mindosa - you are making me think as I haven't got answers for you...

mindosa - they loved one and not the other (me) - they took us in because of DD and so they could boast to their friends how good they are as parents to welcome back the 'black sheep' when her husband spent stole her savings... they said this it is not me projecting...

she'll grow up knowing she's important
She'll more likely grow up knowing she's a pawn in some sick sort of power struggle; do you honestly want that for her? Fight for your daughter if you can't fight for yourself.

growing up destitute, isolated, cut-off, fought over with no support system other than just me is not an improvement floggingmolly!

"If I leave any of them DD will grow up in conflict - staying she won't "

Children are small, not stupid. A little girl growing up in an environment where her mother is clearly miserable and father is distant, badly behaved etc., will find that difficult. Children don't like seeing parents unhappy, often believe it is their fault and.... worst of all.... go on to think that the dysfunctional relationship they see being played out is 'normal' and that women should expect to be unhappy.

Leave and your DD will see that women can be happy, independent and don't need to put themselves second place to a man. She'll still have contact with her father and possibly grandparents, but her role model will be you.

I've been a single parent since birth. My DS is neither destitute, cut-off, fought over or lacking in a support sytem. Try it rather than making assumptions.

I am baffled.. completely baffled.

If there are no religious issues, no MH issues, and you are presumably in the UK.

You are an articulate 25 yr old woman.

From your first post it was unclear why there was a problem, but as your posts have gone on, there are so many underlying issues that your life sounds like hell.

But with every post you make, it is clear that you are very unhappy and really need to speak to someone outside of your family in real life to get some perspective on the situation.

Frustarted why should you be impoverished, there is help out there, you can get a job, you are 25.
If staying is the choice you make, dont kid yourself you are doing it for your daughter.
I really hope for both your sakes you find the courage to address this

Short-term though, do you get out at all? If she's 6mo now, take her down to the library, and choose books together, go to some mum/baby groups- just for the change, you don't even have to go to the same ones twice if you're in a town or city, go and feed the duck in the park, or visit a petshop so she can see baby animals, walking around will clear your head, give you chance to think if you need it.
Go see your HV, maybe ask about sure start, put out feelers, and start to make a long term plan.
Whatever you want to do is fine, just take baby steps towards it.

I could not raise a child with someone unwilling to parent- SHE deserves more.

Cogito - your DS is no doubt fine and being single wouldn't make anyone automatically destitute or lacking in a support system - but a combination of being cut off (if I were allowed to keep her) and fought over (as it would be a fight to let her stay with me) would mean it would be hell for the first few years.

Ketuk - we go out about twice a week as there are too many chores to do on the other days. Today all the beds need changing, all the bedrooms need to be dusted, polished, hoovered, steam cleaned and the bedding needs to be washed and ironed. There's also the dinner to be done and lunches for tomorrow all worked round DD. Tomorrow we can get out because its only a quick kitchen clean (1-2 hours) and the bathroom (1 hour).

I could work but DH promised to support us financially and I have given or he's stolen literally all the money I made and saved for raising a young child - why should he not at least do that for us?

Frustrated, can I ask is the family home an hotel or a b&b because that seems like an awful lot of housework.
Are you contributing to the housework as a way of paying rent?

I actually am beginning to doubt this tale.

So you are now saying your parents are keeping you as a slave?