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Original poster

DP wants me to abort baby :(

80 replies

VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:00

Ever since I found out I was pregnant (nearly 3weeks ago) DP has said he doesn't want the baby, it was an accident, I was on the coil, I got over the shock alot quicker than he has. He came to scan (to see if coil was still in) and he went a shade of green when the image of a sac came up (they said its very early, roughly 4-5 weeks) I have another scan to tomorrow (6-7 weeks) and he's coming but he said today I really need to think about an abortion. I really don't want one and he knows this, he says he doesn't want to lose me eventhough I pointed out if he forced me to abort then he would lose me. He says we could have a baby in a few years but there's so much he wants us to do together.
I don't want to get rid of my baby, even if it wasn't planned it exists now, but I feel like he's making me choose. I don't know how to move forward from here, I'm in tears just writing this, I can barely talk to anyone in RL, hardly anyone knows I'm expecting and I don't want anyone to think bad of DP :(

OP posts:
scentednappyhag · 31/07/2012 19:04

Don't abort unless YOU want to, don't be bullied into making a decision you don't want to make.
Also, it's not your responsibility to make sure people don't think badly of him, his behaviour will determine that.
You deserve support, whatever decision you make.

thisisyesterday · 31/07/2012 19:07

oh dear :(

you shouldn't have an abortion if you don't want to. but you do need to be prepared to lose him if he really, really doesn't want children right now.
I suspect if he feels very strongly about it then even if you stay together it could cause a massive strain on your relationship.

it's early enough though that you can properly talk this through. what is is he wants to do that he feels you can't do with a baby for example? what else is he worried about?

thisisyesterday · 31/07/2012 19:08

i also want to say that people shouldn't feel badly of him just because he doesn't want a baby right now.

he has not said that you MUST have an abortion, and there is no indication that he is going to try and "force" you to have one,
it is simply what he would choose right now and he is allowed to feel like that just as much as you are allowed to want this baby

Tangointhenight · 31/07/2012 19:12

It's your choice, not his and it's you that will have to live with it afterwards if you abort when you don't really want to.

I hope he can step up for you and stop thinking about himself.

Oogaballoo · 31/07/2012 19:12

If you don't want an abortion then don't have one. And don't be afraid to tell him that you don't want to talk about abortion any more if it's upsetting you and you feel harried over it. It's okay to tell him that you've listened to his thoughts and thought about it and it isn't what you want to happen.

Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:14

I think I know deep down I would always live with the guilt from an abortion, I suppose I was holding an outside hope he would come round, now he's hoping I will come round Smile/Sad

OP posts:
FussArse · 31/07/2012 19:15

And then he will have his own decisions to make, just as you have yours.

What a sad situation for all of you.

Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:15

Sorry x posts

OP posts:
elizaregina · 31/07/2012 19:17

Very few people regret children once they are here....

has he thought about the remorse you may feel to him if you do have one.

couples have broken up because they have had one and one partner didnt want too....

dont panic - there was a thread on a while back about someone whose partner didnt want children and shehad accidenlty fallen pregnant but he came round.

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 31/07/2012 19:18

:(

If you don't want to have a abortion then don't.

However you need to think about the future. Talk to him, explain how you feel.

Good luck.

Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:18

Yesterday I think you make a good point, I admired his honesty after the first scan when he said he didn't think I was lying but he hoped I was mistaken I feel like I'm forcing him to become a father but I don't want to do something I know I'd never forgive myself for

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 31/07/2012 19:18

What a awful situation for you both. You can only decide for you please don't rush into anything x

UnbearableRuth · 31/07/2012 19:19

Really sorry for your situation. You can get lots of suport to help you decide what to do, and you have time to think about your options.

The sad fact is that if you have an abortion your relationship may be destroyed in the emotional fallout, if it affects you that way - and if you don't then your relationship may be destroyed if he really can't hack it. You are both going to need to be grownups and work out what the least-bad option is, but there isn't an option where there are no negative consequences.

Definitely don't have an abortion unless you are convinced it is the right decision for you as an individual, independently of your relationship with DP. If you don't want one, don't have one.

See if you can get some counselling - either your local relate centre, or other charities which exist to help people through tims of crisis (you don't have to use family-planing-specific counsellors) should be able to help you talk through all your feelings in an unbiased way.

elizaregina · 31/07/2012 19:20

ummm not really good reasons surely not to allow this baby to live?

how old is he?

of course you can still do things with a baby! it depends on what you want to do and support network, money etc.

to be fair - its only a few weeks so not long for him to come round really.

ImperialBlether · 31/07/2012 19:20

How old are you both and how long have you been together? Do you live together?

FussArse · 31/07/2012 19:21

If you don't want an abortion don't have one but I wouldn't count on him coming round if he isn't ready to be a father.

If you know you can bring up a baby without him - and plan to do just that , then if he does come round then that's a bonus but if he doesn't come round, you will still be able to be a good parent.

RuthlessBaggage · 31/07/2012 19:22

Holidays etc are less possible, he is right, but the finances are what get in the way really.

If he is coming at this from a position of genuine concern for you particularly, you as a couple, your relationship and your future together, but offering you support either way, then good.

I don't personally think "because I would feel bad about an abortion" is a good enough reason to have a baby. There must be more to it than that?

If each of you is hoping to talk the other round, then you need to do so openly, candidly, and reasonably. Write lists, if that helps, of pros and cons. If the timing is bad, remember that you still have around seven months to get ready. You can fit a lot of travel into seven months...

Good luck x

elizaregina · 31/07/2012 19:22

your not forcing him to do anything - this situation has happened - you had a coil, its not your fault and not his and not the babies.

i guess you need to look at your support network - finances - can you cope alone?

Quicksie · 31/07/2012 19:23

This is a horrible situation, but like everyone has said, take your time and don't be pushed in to any decisions. He has been upfront with you so continue being honest about what you want. It is possible that this has just put him in to a total shock and panic state - many new dads go through it - and given time, he might get his head together. Imagine if you had the abortion to please him, and then six months down the line he says it would have been alright after all, given time to get used to the idea?

FussArse · 31/07/2012 19:28

Ruthless's list is an excellent idea. Either the Marie Stopes of BPAS websites have good decision making tips, especially if you look at the pages for teens.

Viviennemary · 31/07/2012 19:28

If you don't want to do this. That is your answer. Don't.

elizaregina · 31/07/2012 19:29

I don't personally think "because I would feel bad about an abortion" is a good enough reason to have a baby. There must be more to it than that?

but surely not going on holiday is no reason not to have a baby!

BTW as soon as DD was born, the following month we went on a tour of the north - lakes - north wales etc, a few weeks after - cornwall, then 6 months later spain, but i depends what you do on hols! If yu want to go out clubbing you would need to look at baby sitting etc...but places do offer it!

elizaregina · 31/07/2012 19:30

Also you dont pay for babies on planes, and by the time you need to pay for baby - serval years down the line - you would hopefully be earning more anyway - people generally earn more as they get older.

my DD is 4.7 and I never pay for her in our b and b or hotels as we take a travel cot - and she shares our breakfast.

BandersnatchCummerbund · 31/07/2012 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minceorotherwise · 31/07/2012 19:41

How long have you been together? And how old are you.
Not deal breakers obviously but would give a bit of perspective
I don't think an abortion is a good idea if that's not what you want. At least he is being honest with you and you know where you all stand. Do you think he would leave you if you decide to keep it? Do you think he would want to be with you regardless if you go ahead and he doesn't change his mind?
It's still early days and he might change his mind if he sees that it's what you want, he loves you after all.