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Original poster

DP wants me to abort baby :(

80 replies

VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:00

Ever since I found out I was pregnant (nearly 3weeks ago) DP has said he doesn't want the baby, it was an accident, I was on the coil, I got over the shock alot quicker than he has. He came to scan (to see if coil was still in) and he went a shade of green when the image of a sac came up (they said its very early, roughly 4-5 weeks) I have another scan to tomorrow (6-7 weeks) and he's coming but he said today I really need to think about an abortion. I really don't want one and he knows this, he says he doesn't want to lose me eventhough I pointed out if he forced me to abort then he would lose me. He says we could have a baby in a few years but there's so much he wants us to do together.
I don't want to get rid of my baby, even if it wasn't planned it exists now, but I feel like he's making me choose. I don't know how to move forward from here, I'm in tears just writing this, I can barely talk to anyone in RL, hardly anyone knows I'm expecting and I don't want anyone to think bad of DP :(

OP posts:
Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:46

Thanks everyone, listening to Mellow Magic is making me no less emotional Smile but I think asking him to leave off for a while, looking on BPAS website and possibly talking to the staff tomorrow (a really nice bunch who were all smiling knowingly at DP's reaction last time - I think I even have cracked a joke about if he's not here next scan you'll know why. Maybe even then subconsciously I knew he wasn't going to come round, but then why keep coming to the scans?)

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Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:47

Sorry posted too early...

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RubyVaultingGates · 31/07/2012 19:48

But...
I got pregnant with a coil in after a car-crash smooshed it into the wrong place.
I was told that there was approximately a 1/3 chance of miscarriage. The odds were not good. I spent 17 weeks wandering around with what felt like a time-bomb in my womb and then was utterly devastated when I did miscarry.

The miscarriage also seems to have set uo some kind of clotting/auto-immune problem which meant I then lost another 2 pregnancies at 13 and 12 weeks. I finally gave birth to DS2 following a pregnancy injecting blood-thinners and taking aspirin. I was a nervous wreck.

I'm not saying this WILL happen to you, but you do need to do some research if you continue with this pregnancy.

.
I wish you all the best in what is a truely impossible situation

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 31/07/2012 19:49

I'm so sorry you've both found yourselves in this difficult situation

Its good that he's being honest with you, and I can see his point of view

But this is your decision and yours alone. In some ways it may seem unfair but that's the way it has to be, and I think guilt over an abortion is a good enough reason not to have one-especially if it's something you feel strongly about

Take your time, this is a big decision. I hope things work out in the right way for you xx

JustFabulous · 31/07/2012 19:49

Actually, no, you don't really need to think about abortion unless you want too.

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 31/07/2012 19:50

Maybe he just needs time.

It didn't really hit my dh until he held ds in the delivery suite.

He came to scans because I made him . I told him he would regret it if he didn't. He wasn't really fussed about the pregnancy, Never felt bump kick. But he is a great dad now and wouldn't be without ds.

Ds was planned as well btw. Not a shock.

Men!

Pickles77 · 31/07/2012 19:54

Hi veremy, I've been in your position. I'm currently 32 weeks with my xps baby. He wanted me to abort our baby but I couldn't. So im doing it alone.
Please don't abort your baby, if it's not what you want. I had an abortion last year with the same twunts baby. Within 3 days of me finding out he had booked and paid for it and let me go through it alone. Without speaking of it again.
Looking back now I don't know why I stayed for so long!
Its hard and im hurting still but I wouldn't give up being pregnant for the world.
If you want to talk or vent, hand hold or anything please PM me- I know how you feel.

Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:59

We haven't been together for a long time but we were very good friends for some time before we actually got together, he has pointed this out as well. We are in our mid twenties, so he's not young well not as young as he can act.
Its not that I feel bad about having an abortion, to clarify, its all the hope and anticipation, it might not have been planned, but now that it has occured, the seeds have been planted, without sounding too cliched. I'm not naive or deluded only on Fridays I constantly worry about it developing properly, will there even be a heartbeat tomorrow, every ache and pain, he actually asked me today "am I attached to it" well 'it' is attached to me so go figure! He said he meant emotionally, so I said yes! When I put it to him why didn't this baby deserve to live but a baby in a few years would deserve to live and he said "its when you say things like that, I start to feel confused" so am I outsmarting him or is he open to turning? Its not a debate with winners and losers, I can't change his mind and I think that hurts the most

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minceorotherwise · 31/07/2012 20:03

Well, from your last post it does sound as if he is at least thinking about your feelings, if not the baby. He is confused, he's bound to be, he can't imagine the baby whereas for you it is very real.
Has he said anything about what the future holds for the relationship if you decide to go ahead?

Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 20:04

Ruby that's terrible, at the first scan they said its absolutely not there, I had read up alot in the event it was there, the risks of removing it, the no-goer if they didn't (obv my initial reaction being leave it there if you risk mc taking it out - then finding the stats of certain death leaving it in Sad) was your coil left in or did this happen regardless of it being in or not, I know you're not scaring me but its best to be as informed as possible

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Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 20:05

Thanks Pickles I'm gonna pm you Smile

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Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 20:09

Sorry Mince erm... When he said he doesn't want to lose me I said he doesn't have to, then I put it to him so if I go ahead are we over and he shook his head and said that's not what I'm saying, then kept saying I need to think. This might sound confrontational but it was all very calm, almost hushed, bit like a chess game, each thinking carefully first Grin I'm not laughing but does seem laughable thinking back (if you can't laugh you can only cry)

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Pickles77 · 31/07/2012 20:12

I got promised a holiday and a wedding next year. Then to try for a honeymoon baby.
I chose this baby. In still hoping he comes around.
I can only stress to you that you must do what you want and what feels right to you.

There Are a few of us over on a thread in lone parents going through similar things, you can come and have a read and a chat over there if you like. Smile

RubyVaultingGates · 31/07/2012 20:14

OK! That's positive news then Smile
My coil was left in because removing was supposed to be a 50/50 trigger for a miscarriage.

I really didn't want to alarm you honest.
I have to admit I find it hard to read threads involving pregancy and coils.

minceorotherwise · 31/07/2012 20:15

Honestly, he sounds like a nice bloke who is just in shock and trying to get his head around everything.
Regardless of anything, if he absolutely wants to be with you then he will be, no matter what. His initial reaction has been a bit rubbish, but he has to some extent been running scared from massive commitment. As you haven't been in a relationship that long, perhaps he felt it was heading maybe towards commitment but now it has been thrust upon him in a major way!
I think you need to keep talking. You need to decide what it is you want and you need to be very clear with him about what that is. He can then forget all the to-ing and fro-ing, and make a decision based on that information. You are right, it's not about winning or losing the conversation.

elizaregina · 31/07/2012 20:18

BTW = our 1st was absoluty not planned at all - and it was the " wrong" time, DP went white - first usual concerns - " we cant afford it" ( we had far more money then than now and we get by!)....

There was no way I could abort due to age and circs etc - BUT I also thought I could never conceive naturally - however - what i am trying to say is - that even if you want a baby - you still go through mixed emotions - even if its longed for - and you know its what you want! When it comes - its still a shock.

I have only just got over shock of DD1 now 4 years later- DH loves DD and cant belive we even contemplated abortion - even for a minuet - and now we tried and wanted DD2 - now i am preg- its STILL a shock and I can tell DH is slightly also unsure - even though generally happy and all going ahead.

Pickles77 · 31/07/2012 20:19

I'm sorry if I sounded like I don't think he'll stand by you- I don't think that.
He sounds rather nice and thoughtful Smile, and concerned.
I just think I know what might be going through your mind.

Willowisp · 31/07/2012 20:20

I've been in the same position & I had the abortion. I never wanted to be a single parent & I wanted the dad to be involved.

We got engaged 5 yrs later & have been married for 10 with 2 loved, wanted & planned dc's.

I can honestly say I've never regretted the decision I made. HTH.

elizaregina · 31/07/2012 20:21

also dont forget because you are being faced with a black and white choice to go ahead or not - actually the whole thing is not black and white - people say lots of things when pushed but feelings can take a while to catch up - whatever he says now - could change - go one way for baby - then the next day agaisnt....

as someone said - he could say no now - then six month down the line say actually - wish we hadnt ....but its more unsual for people to say when baby is here - wish we hadnt! ( although am sure some do....)

Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 20:21

Ah shite Ruby looks like I was led to believe what you experienced though Dr Google can never be fully relied upon, looks like he was a bit more accurate than usual. I bet you hate those threads

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Original poster
VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 20:26

Sorry willow maybe its the cynic in me that says I would be devastated and he would just move on, he is normally quite lovely (obviously Blush) but I think pickles is onto something. I know he's mixed up but I need to put the baby first and hope he follows suit, ooh I'm feeling alot stronger than when I started this thread. Thanks EVERYONE Grin

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javotte · 31/07/2012 20:28

I got pregnant at 24. We weren't married. We "couldn't afford" a baby. We never considered abortion, but I just wanted to tell you that our son didn't stop us from doing things together.
I know that for men a baby isn't "real" at the beginning of the pregnancy, but I think that asking you to abort while saying you can have a baby "in a few years" is horrible.

ENormaSnob · 31/07/2012 20:33

Thinking of you veremy x

Lucyellensmum99 · 31/07/2012 20:34

I think that your relationship will have a better chance of surviving if you keep the baby. It is VERY early days, but i would just give him time. Tell him you don't wish to discuss it anymore untili you have had further scan. Please don't get rid of your baby if you don't want to do it. No man has the right to force you to do that. I hope he comes round, it would take a hard man indeed to walk away from his child and lets face it, if he does, walk away when there is an actual baby smiling up at him from the crib, he wasn't worth it anyway.

Iwillorderthefood · 31/07/2012 20:49

Poor you, it really is a bad situation. As everyone has said it is not likely that your relationship would survive an abortion.

I did have a termination when I was 22 for all the reasons your DP is saying and more, I just was not ready, did not have any money (was in a temp job renting a room how could I have managed it? Am sure some do, I just was not made of stern enough stuff). Even though ths was completely my decision I still think about that child, the fact it would be 16 now and what list may have made for itself. To have such a decision made for you is not negotiable.

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