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Original poster

DP wants me to abort baby :(

80 replies

VeremyJyle · 31/07/2012 19:00

Ever since I found out I was pregnant (nearly 3weeks ago) DP has said he doesn't want the baby, it was an accident, I was on the coil, I got over the shock alot quicker than he has. He came to scan (to see if coil was still in) and he went a shade of green when the image of a sac came up (they said its very early, roughly 4-5 weeks) I have another scan to tomorrow (6-7 weeks) and he's coming but he said today I really need to think about an abortion. I really don't want one and he knows this, he says he doesn't want to lose me eventhough I pointed out if he forced me to abort then he would lose me. He says we could have a baby in a few years but there's so much he wants us to do together.
I don't want to get rid of my baby, even if it wasn't planned it exists now, but I feel like he's making me choose. I don't know how to move forward from here, I'm in tears just writing this, I can barely talk to anyone in RL, hardly anyone knows I'm expecting and I don't want anyone to think bad of DP :(

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 31/07/2012 21:18

Glad to hear you are feeling stronger. SmilePlease don't rush anything. For what it's worth I fell pregnant by accident at 25 my partner at the time left me the day of a 8 week scan when he finally realised I would never agree to anything other than having my baby. My ds is now 4 and I have never regretted my decision not for a second. in my case even if i had decided to not have our relationship would never have survived, i could never have forgiven him or myself. You have to be strong for you, do what you want to do and hope he comes around but be prepared if he does not. X

Quicksie · 31/07/2012 21:35

Don't forget it is only three weeks since you found out (I think that is right, belt me one if I got that wrong!) Three weeks when you are pregnant is enough time to absolutely shite yourself, chew your nails down to the quick, panic about everything you have eaten and drank for weeks, fall in love with that little wriggler, plan the nursery, pick a school, shop on every online baby shop that exists.... but three weeks for the father can be quite different. It is a massive change to your life, somehow us girls seem to get our heads around it a bit faster usually, and the hormones are on our side for once, whereas his are doing nothing to help him!

LordOfThe5Rings · 31/07/2012 21:45

How horrible for you, OP.

It all boils down to, do you want the baby? I know it's difficult but for a moment think about your DP wanting to have the baby - would it be a definate yes then, or would you still have doubts?

Also, don't have an abortion if you are morally against it or you don't feel you should do it. He may not agree to having the baby but it's not his body that the baby is inside of, it's yours. At the end of the day this baby has a right to live but if you feel abortion is the right option, then go for it. However, if you feel it's not, don't be afraid to say to your partner you have thought about it and you are not going to abort the baby. It's his decison if he decides to stick around or not and that you wont hold it against him whatever he chooses, but this is ultimately your decison.

I know that's not much help, but... It's what I feel is the most appropriate.

Always here to talk if you need someone - feel free to PM.

hugs

Willowisp · 31/07/2012 21:47

Ok, you'd be devastated because you didn't have the baby. The baby that your bf doesn't want & you'd potentially be bringing up on your own ? I'm not sure why you'd want to knowingly bring a baby into the world on your own ? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's your reality.

My dad didn't want me & I had a pretty miserable upbringing - of course with all scenarios we bring with us our previous experiences. What works for one, won't work for another.

hope it all works out for you.

SirBoobAlot · 31/07/2012 21:54

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. ExP wanted me to have an abortion. I refused, my son is now nearly three and utterly amazing, I have never regretted a second of it. DS also has a good relationship with his dad.

BUT ex still resents me to this day for not having the abortion he wanted me to have. I was reasonably sure - though didn't say aloud - that I would end up as a single mother, and I was right. I love it actually :)

In the end, I made the decision that was right for me. You need to as well. Big hugs.

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 31/07/2012 21:57

Just wanted to OP and Willowisp.

Mrbojangles1 · 31/07/2012 22:05

I my view you need to think about how you would feel if you did abort but the having a baby later never happend

This sadly happend to somone i knew she aborted after getting with a guy who soundly didnt want children she aborted then found out it extermly jard gor her to fall pregant again due to her age then the resentment started to bubble he then had affair he is now currently living with this new owman and his 2 year old child

The only reason to get rid of a baby is because yu want to he may not be ready now but if yu get rid he may never be ready or when he is ready your boady may not be ready

JustFabulous · 01/08/2012 16:47

OP, I found myself thinking of you today. I was wondering if you felt this man was your forever man or did you know you wouldn't be growing old with him/ If you can't see a full future with him then I wonder if that makes the decision about the baby easier? ie, he seems to be saying it is the baby or him..

LordOfThe5Rings · 01/08/2012 19:08

Oh and although of course it's both of your decisons if he is saying that it's him or the baby, that would make my mind up to be honest. No man that would love me would try and make me choose. If he is just saying it would be hard, then that's understandable. But if an ultimatum is placed, no real man should ever do that to someone. It's scary sure, but it's the womans body and also her baby.

MeconiumHappens · 01/08/2012 21:54

my friend was in a very similar situation. partner very keen to abort, her not so. she decided to continue, they are now proud parents. theres no guarantee he will come round but if he is a normally nice man then chances are he will. Do what feels right for you.

(apologis crap typing as baby on boob)

Pickles77 · 02/08/2012 17:59

How are you doing Veremy, was thinking about you earlier. Hope your okay :)

CaptainHetty · 02/08/2012 18:12

My partner initially wanted me to abort our baby. He was adamant we couldn't have it, it wasn't feasible, we'd never manage. He did, however say that he loved me and whatever I decided he would stick by me. We're now expecting a little girl in 8 weeks and both looking forward to it.

It's a huge shock when you find yourselves unexpectedly in this situation, and understandably emotions are all over the place. Obviously I can't tell you how he's going to react later on down the line but it is possible, once it's sunk in and the emotions aren't so raw it is feasible for him to come around to the idea. It sounds to me like he does care for you, but doesn't know quite how things are going to work out.

solidgoldbrass · 02/08/2012 18:29

OP it sounds like you are already thinking of your situation as a baby rather than a problem, which is usually an indication that terminating would be a bad idea.
Please make sure that you consider your own feelings and prioritize them over your partner's wishes. It's your body and the decision is yours, not his, though it's not unreasonable to discuss things with him up to a certain point.

My DS father said he didn't want to be a parent and suggested I terminate DS, I told him his opinion wasn't relevant if he didn't want to be involved, and continued the pregnancy. As things turned out, DS dad had a change of heart shortly before DS was born and is now a brilliant father. This might happen in your case, or it might not. But it's OK to tell your partner to shut up and fuck off if he keeps on trying to pressure you to change your mind once you've made your choice.

Original poster
VeremyJyle · 02/08/2012 20:29

Thank you everyone, small update on yesterday (I was a bit shell-shocked to do it yesterday so you can tell where this is going)
There was a heartbeat GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin
I am about six weeks along, got a lovely photo of baby and yolk Smile which he refused to even hold, he left at the end of the scan and I promptly burst into tears. Sonographer and nurse were amazing, lots of tissues and hugs Blush (I am not an emotional person so was slightly embarassed when they flicked the lights on afterwards)
We went for lunch which was quite frosty and he told me I am being selfish Angry he said I had obviously made my mind up (erm yes I had told him all along I wouldn't do it) so he said he doesn't know where that leaves us.
I have made the decision to end things with him and go it alone, have since confided in two friends and my mum who all conclude he is being a twunt!
My anger (which imo was absent for too long) is giving way to calm and it might be early days but I feel stronger than I have done and know with support (family, you guys, the hospital) I'm doing the right thing and I'll get through, I hope this all makes sense, and thanks everyone for offering such good advice and support (xxx)

OP posts:
BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 02/08/2012 20:31

Well done Veremy on making that decision!

Its great that you have the support of your friends and mum!

Good luck!

Springforward · 02/08/2012 20:31

Well done OP Smile

Tangointhenight · 02/08/2012 20:32

Good lick OP, he doesn't deserve you or your baby.

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 20:35

awww, congratulations :) Great news about the heartbeat.

Not so great about your DP, hes being a coward, one day, he will regret this decision, but you know what - by then, you and your baby will be happy without him and it would be his problem, not yours. You ARE doing the right thing - I was a single mum (similar situation, but ex and I were not close) and i had plenty of family support. Best thing i ever did Grin, my DD is 22 now, i went on to meet my now DP (been together 20 years) and we have DD2 who is six. I went to university when DD1 started school. Being a single parent is tough, but no where near as tough as being a parent with a partner who isn't right for them, hes shown his true colours, hes not man enough, shame on him, but at least you know now rather than later.

HugeFurryWishingStool · 02/08/2012 20:36

You sound really lovely, your little boy or girl will be a lucky baby to have you as their Mummy.

Pickles77 · 02/08/2012 20:38

So so proud of you OP.
It won't be easy, but your positive!! PM me anytime.
Feel free to join our thread on going it alone (although a slight meltdown from me over there tonight!)
Glad your excited and that you have some great support.

JustFabulous · 02/08/2012 20:43

Grin just Grin.

He is a bully and you have already started being a mum who is going to be amazing.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/08/2012 20:45

Congratulations veremy, I'm so pleased little baby was ok

I am Shock that he called you selfish, please don't even for a minute believe him on that one, you are not being selfish at all

You sound like you are going to be such a great mummy, I hope you get lots of support and enjoy your pregnancy xx

tribpot · 02/08/2012 20:45

Lovely news, congratulations. To be honest it sounds as much as anything like he's sulking because he didn't get his own way. Pathetic.

Mama1980 · 02/08/2012 20:45

Well done op and congratulations Smile I am also on The going it alone thread feel free to pm if you ever need to chat/rant etc.

Quicksie · 02/08/2012 21:17

Well done you! Fab news on the scan and brilliant to hear you are sticking to your guns : you are the opposite of selfish so don't listen to that shite!