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Relationships

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Original poster

Why do women want relationships?

91 replies

LovesPeace · 31/07/2012 16:31

I'm in my 40's and have just left a long term relationship, currently enjoying being single.

But everyone seems to think two things - 1. I need to find another man, 2. Because I am sooooo old, it will be impossible to find a good man, and I must be grateful for anyone who shows an interest.

Now, with ex, I did everything. I did all the housework, all the dishes, laundry, bill organising, reminding him to pay stuff, despite working more hours per week than he did, and paying at least half of our bills.

In return he was passive-aggressive, selfish in bed, whiny, and ultimately cheated on me with prostitutes, and online affairs with 20yr olds (although he didn't get far as they didn't really want him), and a failed attempt at swinging.

So, tell me regarding 'finding a man' - what's in it for me?

(And as a further point - why do podgy, balding, average looking, fairly dull men think that hot 20yr olds will be desperate for them? I am mystified).

OP posts:

Offred · 31/07/2012 16:38

To be honest I identify as a person rather than a woman but I like sex, joint parenting, it is nice to be in love. But I am also very happy to be alone which has numerous good points. I am in a relationship because I wanted to be in a relationship with DH, so because of him I suppose.

icecold · 31/07/2012 16:38

nothing is in it for you

Don't know any relationship, which isn't a compromise on some level or another. Not prepared to compromise anymore, ever again! (apart from for my kids, friends, family, colleagues.....ar, you know what I mean!)

CailinDana · 31/07/2012 16:38

You're right that there's absolutely no need for you to be in a relationship and that it is very annoying that a single woman, especially one in her 40s is looked on with pity. However you are wrong to assume that just because your last relationship was shit all relationships are like that. In a good relationship what's in it for you is companionship, partnership, respect and love, huge wonderful things that are really worth having.

NoComet · 31/07/2012 16:40

Because a house and a family runs better with two adults helping each other.

Because he's my best friend and he mows are huge lawn

CogitoErgOlympics · 31/07/2012 16:42

I think the only reason for 'finding a man' is if you're damn sure there is something in it for you! There's no point whatsoever luring one into your home just to clutter the place up, spend all your money and be a miserable bugger. Hence why I've been pretty much single for the last 17 years. :) The last time I uttered the words 'I need a man' my friend duly obliged by sending along her nice tall DH to hold up one end of a heavy shelf while I applied a screwdriver to the other.

BTW... do you find the ones who assume you need to find one then spend the next half hour moaning about why theirs is such a PITA?....

amillionyears · 31/07/2012 16:43

I think "currently enjoying being single" and LovesPeace says it all really.

You may or may not want someone later on.

Go enjoy yourself.

fortyeighthourdancemarathon · 31/07/2012 16:47

I'm pretty sure that in most cases, the man in the relationship gets a far better deal than the woman, although there are exceptions.

jimswifeinTokyo1964 · 31/07/2012 16:50

I definitely get the better deal in our relationship

solidgoldbrass · 31/07/2012 16:51

Women are told they need to be in a relationship because it's actually men who benefit from couplehood, and for men's sake, women need to be made to believe that they must attract and keep a man or be a failure. Otherwise men might not be able to own a woman for domestic, sexual and breeding services.

OK, how many posts to the first 'Bwaaa, my partner isn't like that!/'?

GetOrfMoiRing · 31/07/2012 16:55

I don't know.

I am probably not the best person to ask, as I have split with my long-term DP last month, but I cannot imagine ever bothering with a relationship again. I don't see the point. The happiness I gained from the relationship (and the other 2 relationships I have had) was far outweighed by the day to day annoyances (at best) and sheer misery (at worst).

I am looking forward to staying single.

Fuck 'em.

CailinDana · 31/07/2012 16:56

I agree that in old fashioned relationships where the man goes out to work and the woman is a domestic skivvy really don't hold much attraction for women other than having financial security (if they're lucky) and children. I can't understand why any woman would want to be in a relationship where they're basically treated like a servant.

BertieBotts · 31/07/2012 16:56

Absolutely no reason at all to go looking for a relationship just for the sake of having one, and IME the "find a man... any man!" kind of attitude tends to lead to dissatisfying relationships unless you're very lucky.

Definitely enjoy being single and concentrate on your own life, goals, friends, hobbies etc. If you happen to meet someone then he'll have to fit around you - and if that happens easily then you're probably a good match. Plus if someone does come along he'd have to be pretty damn special for you to want to share all of this great life that you've built for yourself - which means you won't let anyone in unless you really want to, and feel it's right. And THAT's a recipe for a fantastic relationship. And if that doesn't happen, you'll be happy anyway, so you win both ways.

lisaro · 31/07/2012 16:57

TBH that doesn't sound like a relationship or like a man.

lastnerve · 31/07/2012 17:00

I think there's a huge pressure to 'find a man'

I've noticed how many women my mothers age when divorced rarely look for men the same age either and think men their own age are dull.

CogitoErgOlympics · 31/07/2012 17:03

They never start out that way lisaro. Presumably the OP's ex was quite respectable initially. On best behaviour, hair neatly combed and fondness for hookers very much kept up the sleeve. The real tossers - like the chancer who wanted me to get my lovely home valued at about the same time as he started talking about marriage - out themselves fairly early and can be removed.

GetOrfMoiRing · 31/07/2012 17:05

Bloody hell cogito.

Original poster

LovesPeace · 31/07/2012 17:12

The ex didn't start off like that, Cogito is right.

He did pretty much all the running in our relationship, and was clingy as hell - wouldn't sleep if he was at a conference without me, phoned me/texted me all night, bought me presents.
But he was always lazy as hell, and there were little red flags, but being a hard-working trier, I was willing to accept imperfections through love.
Over the years, he did less and less, and I did more and more. Really, I should have kicked him out when he didn't pull his weight but then I felt so petty nagging all the time (and he'd complain that I was a nag).
Even at the end, he was sending me cards saying he'd be 'lost without me' and I'd 'never know how much he loved me'. I went looking for evidence of indiscretions in order to throw him out as I hadn't loved him for the past 3 or so years.
It's so peaceful now - I can do what I want, when I want.

OP posts:

lisaro · 31/07/2012 17:13

Cogito - what a knob!

CogitoErgOlympics · 31/07/2012 17:18

I'm always suspicious of that kind of needy, over-effusive type as well. My current gentleman caller is the 'Bluff Yorkshireman' variety who never uses two words when a raise of the eyebrows will do. He's not a keeper (he doesn't know this yet, poor chap) because he made the cardinal error of switching my television onto the football without permission. Oh yes, the bar is set very high these days....

Olympicnmix · 31/07/2012 17:24

Adult company, foot rubs and sex - am lacking all three

Actually I would like to be in a relationship again, but since my exH left me holding dc3 literally as a baby, I just can't envisage finding a good man who would ease into my and the children's lives (even if the ds are great and are actually trying to snare me a man!) or to just get the crumbs off my table when the dcs are with their father.

And I remind myself that by and large I'm really happy on my own. Today I have had a facial, and indulgent lunch and am now with feet up watching the gymnastics; I may or may not do some training later. Bliss!

CogitoErgOlympics · 31/07/2012 17:26

The chancer really was a knob. :) He was a divorced friend of a friend who I'd met through a shared interest. Very bitter about the amount of money his ex wanted (warning! warning!) Then he came to my (modest but horribly over-priced because it's in a smart Home Counties town) home and the expression 'feet under the table' might have been made for him. Got very love-dovey and serious all of a sudden and that's when the conversation turned to 'so what do they say this place is worth?'

Game over...

lisaro · 31/07/2012 17:30

He deserved dumping for his lack of subtlety alone!!

BadLad · 31/07/2012 17:39

He's not a keeper (he doesn't know this yet, poor chap) because he made the cardinal error of switching my television onto the football without permission

He probably thought he was doing you a favour, saving you the trouble of changing the channel yourself.

OP when you find a man who is better than your ex, which shouldn't be hard, you will see what's in it for you.

Original poster

LovesPeace · 31/07/2012 17:41

I think I knew all along that genuine people don't show love by cards, flowers, presents etc - all empty words.
Instead people demonstrate love by their actions.

When my dad was alive, whenever I went home to visit the parents, he would wash my car, or give me some petrol moneyan. And in his perfect garden, there was one wild rose which planted itself - people kept pointing it out but he left it because he knew I loved dog roses.

OP posts:

Original poster

LovesPeace · 31/07/2012 17:43

Badlad - I don't intend to let any man get close enough in my life to find out.

OP posts:

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