Why do women want relationships?

[LovesPeace]

I'm in my 40's and have just left a long term relationship, currently enjoying being single.

But everyone seems to think two things - 1. I need to find another man, 2. Because I am sooooo old, it will be impossible to find a good man, and I must be grateful for anyone who shows an interest.

Now, with ex, I did everything. I did all the housework, all the dishes, laundry, bill organising, reminding him to pay stuff, despite working more hours per week than he did, and paying at least half of our bills.

In return he was passive-aggressive, selfish in bed, whiny, and ultimately cheated on me with prostitutes, and online affairs with 20yr olds (although he didn't get far as they didn't really want him), and a failed attempt at swinging.

So, tell me regarding 'finding a man' - what's in it for me?

(And as a further point - why do podgy, balding, average looking, fairly dull men think that hot 20yr olds will be desperate for them? I am mystified).

Because obviously if you don't have a man you are worthless.

Surprisingly, there seem to still be a lot of people who think that. Fortunately, the longer you are single the less troubled you are by such people (or such is my experience) - it's actually an easy filter for the sort of person you don't want to have as a friend.

Have been single forever (well almost) and it's great: I get to run my own life!
I'm not anti-relationships but haven't ever met anyone interested in me to take up with. May happen, may not. I would certainly be reluctant to give up what I have unless I was certain that what was offered was better.

Now I'm menopausal, I'm more interested in sex in theory than in practice, and I have never been keen on having sex with the same person over long periods of time, so that's another reason why I'm glad I have stayed single most of my adult life (never married or lived with a partner but have had a few relationships). But I like knowing that if I want sex I can go and get it without much difficulty - I would just take myself off to a swingers' club.
But I really couldn't be arsed with dating, feeding some bloke's ego for a few evenings in the hope of a shag.

I just couldn't be bothered to sit there on a date and listen to another man's dull bullshit, tbh

But you might listen to someone's fascinating stories, or their interesting engaging chat (and join in), or they might sit and listen to your dull bullshit, and you might quite like having someone listen.

I agree that financially it's a lot easier to be in a couple - it's easier to rent a house/flat suitable for two-people-who-sleep-in-the-same-bedroom than it is for one-person-alone or two-people-who-both-want-decent-sized-bedrooms. (don't get me started on buying somewhere to live)

It's interesting that it tends to be women that feel this way. Unsurprising really, given the roles society still imposes, in the main.

There are, though, some of we men who also see the advantages in living alone. I lived independently from leaving home at 18 and already knew how to cook, clean and do the washing thanks to my parents who always shared housework even back in the 70s. I married at 33, not to gain a W.I.F.E. (I don't need one of those, thanks, I can take care of myself), but because I had met someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in partnership and love.

Even so, a relationship does require compromise of your own wishes and desires and though we've been married now for many years, sometimes I feel that I'd rather be on my own and be able to do what I please, when I please. After all, I don't need a wife to cook and clean for me. DW doesn't even know how to start the washing machine or dishwasher, as the kitchen stuff is almost 100% down to me, because I'm better at it. I would be quite happy living alone in house regarding that sort of thing.

Then I look at DW and DS cuddling on the sofa and realise how important they are to me and I join them and we're all cosy together and I put aside the occasional yearning for peace and quiet and pleasing myself, because what I have right here is more than worth the compromise.

We're on a forum that's mainly full of women.

Are you sure it's only women who feel this way?

Many of my male friends say that they prefer being in a relationship to being single. A number of them joined online dating sites because they (to quote one, but the sentiment was expressed by others) "want a proper girlfriend".

Well i like the relationship I have with DH.
I'ave been with him 22 years.
I like some nights snuggling up with a bottle of wine and a takeaway, I like nights where we make an effort and blow a load of money on nice food and hit the city.
I like having someone who make my life easier and I do the same for him.

It's nice when I've had a stressful day and work has been difficult that someone will understand and without asking will run a nice bath and have tea ready with food that I like.
DH knows when I'm having a grumpy day and how to handle it.

He is there when i have had bad news and lets me rant and get upset and then helps me cope and supports me.
He makes me laugh and we have 20+ years of 'in'jokes that leave the kids a bit

I like having loads of plans with my husband, which trips we are going on, what films are coming up that we fancy, which gigs we should go to.
I love being in a relationship where we are a family and do stuff together. I like seeing my sons go to work with DH and have fun.

All that and so much more is what I get out of a relationship

I'm a single-dad and have been for a while. I don't want a relationship and can't see one happening until my children are adults.

I think it's because I don't want to have to compromise, and my children come so far at the top of my priorities, I couldn't see a partner being ok with that.

Also I didn't want to bring a step-mother type figure into the children's lives.

I also have many of the benefits of a couple-relationship in the co-parent relationship I have with DS' dad, who is a generally good chap; sees DS regularly, pays maintenance, can be relied on to drop everything in a crisis and is even amiable enough for the three of us to have family days out now and again.

But if I had to live with him I'd murder him.

I am not adverse to exH finding someone nice who will enhance the children's lives or if, by some miracle, I do. The dcs don't need another mother or father in their lives, but another adult who likes them and looks out for them would be welcome. The practicalities of finding the right person who is right on all fronts whilst having dcs and a career is mind-boggling though.

columbiand I agree with everything you have said. that is how I feel about my kids and no way I would inflict a step-father on them. he is NEVER going to love them like they were his own and that just isnt good enough. they have already had to deal with their parents seperating, I am never going to redirect any of my love/energy that they should be getting from me, onto a romantic partner

I hate it when I hear women saying 'still single' as if being single is this temporary unfortunate state before compulsory coupledom.

I think one of the most important lessons to teach our daughters is to be happy alone.

luckily, I enjoy being single also..never thought about that before...i might feel really conflicted if i didnt want to be single also

hmm...

I am happy being single, in fact just dumped someone because he became to clingy amongst other things. Cogito and SGB helped me with that one, (Buster71) Since becoming single again a couple of old fwb's have come out of the woodwork and are offering their services.

So I am another one, content with life and happy in my own skin and do not need a relatiionship to prove that I am lovable.

I thought I had my soulmate but after ten years he had gone. I can't imagine life without him but it has been four months so I am living without him. I was 30 when we met , now I'm a 40 year old single mother.

I loved sharing my life with someone, going to concerts, shows, family meals out, holidays , and just time together at home . I waited a long time to find someone to share my life with and can't imagine finding someone again in a hurry but I really don't want to be on my own for the rest if my life , I would like somebody to share things with.

I have only recently started to tell people (such as work colleagues) that I have split up with XP, and generally the responses have been 'oh don't worry you'll be snapped up soon'. I don't want to be snapped up!

I feel a certain malaise in that I have tried to make relationships work and for one reason or another they haven't. I must bear some of the blame for the relationship failure. I think that I haven't got what it takes to make one work, tbh. I think it is probably best to accept that and not flog a dead horse any more!

I sound a bit glum but I think that is to be accepted seeing that XP and I finished just over a month ago. To be honest the overwhelming feeling is that of relief, and anticipation of planning what I want to do in future as a single person. It is very liberating.

I think one of the most important lessons to teach our daughters is to be happy alone.

I would add sons to that. And both parents should give them the skills so that they don't need a woman to take care of them.

Well many of the relationships (so-called) written about on MN seem terribly combative to me, full of suspicion and lack of compromise. The male and female friends I have who are single (although the majority of them make efforts NOT to be) seem to want some sort of perfection from the other while being less than perfect themselves. Trite as it might seem, relationships are about give and take, sharing ups and downs, not arguing about money, taking a fair share, keeping promises etc. I'm not sure want men or women want, what I want and have got is someone to share things with, have a laugh with, plan things with.

I think there are two reasons I'd like one.

Firstly for the children, because sometimes I am rubbish and I can't be everything they need. I'd like someone else to be there for them, other than my long suffering parents who help out when it's necessary.

Secondly I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the world, it seems huge and hostile, and I feel vry judged, very alone and very small. And then it is hard to keep my head above water and not submit to the sense that everyone thinks I'm an eejit and no one is on my side.

those times are very hard. Having someone who I knew was with me and supporting me would help a lot.

I manage though...my last few (short) relationships were shite.

I have no idea!

Could it be partly "biological" as in Whales etc. mating for life?

I'm quite happy on my own generally, but for the sex. It's that I find it hardest to do without and something i really miss

If humans were naturally monogamous like that, MissF, there'd be no such thing as affairs or adultery - both men and womenwould be incapable of it. It's more of a cultural norm, at least in Western society.

I'm all in favour of a situation where men and women both are entirely self-sufficient in terms of taking care of themselves (cleaning, cooking, keeping a place tidy, changing a flat tyre) and do not 'need' each other for that purpose. It's males who have to change most in this regard, as the proprtion of men who are inclined to let women do all the domestic and childcare work is still far too high, as is clear from reading the Relationships forum.

If this could be achieved, then there'd be much more equality ans perhaps women wouldn't get so fed up with their 'D' partners

Human beings aren't biologically monogamous.

Well that answers that one then

So I therefore agree with SonOfArabia

The last time I actually dated anyone steadily (around 10 years ago) I do remember being immensely irritated that he kept going on about how amazed he was that no one had 'snapped me up'. I knew he meant it as a complement to my wonderfulness, but I did point out to him a few times that I was actually happy on my own and fussy with it - and that he could at least take it as a complement that I agreed to date him.