Why do women want relationships?

[LovesPeace]

I'm in my 40's and have just left a long term relationship, currently enjoying being single.

But everyone seems to think two things - 1. I need to find another man, 2. Because I am sooooo old, it will be impossible to find a good man, and I must be grateful for anyone who shows an interest.

Now, with ex, I did everything. I did all the housework, all the dishes, laundry, bill organising, reminding him to pay stuff, despite working more hours per week than he did, and paying at least half of our bills.

In return he was passive-aggressive, selfish in bed, whiny, and ultimately cheated on me with prostitutes, and online affairs with 20yr olds (although he didn't get far as they didn't really want him), and a failed attempt at swinging.

So, tell me regarding 'finding a man' - what's in it for me?

(And as a further point - why do podgy, balding, average looking, fairly dull men think that hot 20yr olds will be desperate for them? I am mystified).

I agree with whoever said that what the OP described was a crap relationship. What one wants is one that's not.

About this I am quite pessimistic. 50% of marriages end in divorce and of the other 50% there must be be still more where both parties are miserable but can't afford to split up. The actual number of tolerable / happy marriages out there must thus be quite small.

If your partner is crap, then chances are he thinks you're crap too and that you're both right. The number of marriages that break up where one party agrees they were a slob married to an angel, probably zero.

I don't agree BTW with the assumption that it is always the men who are the slobs. My cleaner flatly refuses to accept women, single or married, as new clients. She says they are the worst slobs of the lot. Apart from me, all her clients are men. My current bloke is tidy around his place and mine without being OCD.

IMHO relationships have a life span, that's all. It's the time it takes for the negatives to outweigh the positives in your particular case. Sometimes this is 50 years if you're lucky. If it really pisses you off that he leaves towels screwed up on the bathroom floor, then it will take somewhere between one night and six weeks for this to matter more than the cunnilingus and the ecstatic fucking. With someone else it would be something else again.

Crap relationships result when you try to make one outlive itself, like trying to make a cheap car last 20 years.

I must say I do like the idea of going it alone again some time in the future. A time will probably come anyway when DH and I start to pursue our own interests... not that there'd be any falling out, more that he has things he wants to do, I have different things I want to do so let's just go and do them separately.

If anything happened to him, I wouldn't bother with anyone else serious except a partner for sex the odd time and I don't think that would be difficult to find. Even if I confounded myself and found someone I cared more about, I wouldn't live with that person.

I agree that both boys and girls should be taught to be completely self-sufficient and that shacking up with someone isn't necessarily the be all and end all. Girls in particular seem to be primed by society to buy into a particular brand of BS from an early age... hence so many women who are disillusioned with men.

So I therefore agree with SonOfArabia

Aradia not Arabia

Met my husband at 17 he was 18, married at 21, two adult independent children, 40 years since meeting (blind date) down the line, I am still at home as OH has had an intensive well paid job since the kids were pre teens. We have moved around but are now in our dream home ready for him to retire within about 2-3 years. We both love being together, love, laugh, live, share and care. He has always appreciated the contribution I make to our partnership and I have always supported him. We are a team. Having said all of this I don't think I would seek to find a replacement if I was ever in the position of being alone. I don't think anyone could take his place in my life.

sex can be good but I've never much enjoyed co-habiting, I cant flourish without serious amounts of solitude.

When my xh left 2 1/2 years ago I didnt think much about my next relationship but if pressed I think I would have said maybe once I'm over my marriage ending it would be nice to meet someone

Its been a lovley surprise to find actually I am so much happier and more content as a single woman mid forties having spent my entire life in a relationship one way or another

I love being responsible for mine and my DC happiness but nobody elses , reflecting back my men have always had long periods of needing tons of emotional support but never been strong at reciprocating.

Next best is being able to literally do what you like without judgement on your decisions and taste. The thought of having to take into consideration a mans adgenda re work,food,sport,drinking etc doesnt appeal

Of course some flattery, sex, banter would be brilliant and I'm not anti men at all but to me theres no way its worth the sacrifices and potential for emotional ups and downs

I look around at my mostly married friends and know that many of them have no idea how much they are putting up with but are so used to it they dont seem to care. I was like that too but never again.

I'm fairly sure that if DH was crushed by an avalanche I would (after a period of grief that makes me look interestingly thin and strong and mysterious) have boyfriends or lovers, but probably not live with them.
Next door/nearby, like Mary Wollstonecraft and William Godwin - that could work. But I would find it hard to give up the 'I decide where we go and what we do" part, I think, if I tasted it again!

I don't want a relationship. I want a good, loving relationship with someone who treats me well, we both feel loved, valued, safe and supported, with lots of great sex who will also unblock the drains. That is what would be in it for me.

It would be nice to meet a nice honest, kind, decent loving guy. No ready made Father thoug. H obsessed with their children. I think some single parents use their kids as an excuse to avoid real intimacy. I truly think I will never meet any man who will truly love me.

I have never wanted a relationship either - well, not since I was a starry eyed teenager! I spent 8 years as a lone parent and it was a good experience to live alone and be independent, with freedom to date and shag.

I am married now but it was never something I planned to do, in the abstract sense of wanting to be married, to live with someone and share my life with them. It only felt right once I'd met DH - I didn't consciously make an effort to meet a partner and I think if I hadn't met him I would still have happily been on my own. DH is very understanding of my need for space (I actually have my own bedroom as I couldn't get used to sharing all my space after so long) but I'm sure most men would find it a bit odd!

The step parent issue is hard and I think it works for us because DD never had contact with her bio father at all. DH doesn't have any dc of his own, so there is less conflict and it feels easier to slot into society's nuclear family model - no contact or maintenance issues.

Now I've had a child, I can't imagine wanting a relationship again.

Relationships can surprise you with their niceness, and there's no doubt that if you become ill in later life, you are up shit creek on your own. But day to day, IMO relationships are effectively hard work.

I have been and still am sovereign. I did however recently enter in to a bilateral treaty with another sovereign, and it is working out pretty well so far. there are still some fierce negotiations regarding trade, deficits, and of course, the ever contentious "who turn to clean the litterbox" clause, but I don't feel as though the treaty has been overly burdensome, and certainly our joint venture into increasing the population workforce has reaped some good rewards, both tangible and intangible.

Apologies for that sonofaradia now thinks she's an nit picking cow

joan I'm going to replace the word "relationships in that sentence and I'd like to see if you still agree :)

Children can surprise you with their niceness, and there's no doubt that if you become ill in later life, you are up shit creek on your own. But day to day, IMO children are effectively hard work.

solidgoldbrass - I've c & p your first post on this thread into a Word document to save and refer to. Thanks. You've articulated it brilliantly.

Me - never been in a relationship. There are reasons for that but then those reasons apply to other people as well and they've got past them.

I reckon I'm just ugly!

Well kind of Trills, but the reason I am in a relationship was because I wanted a child. I didn't have a child to get a relationship.