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Original poster

Fed up waiting what to do?

85 replies

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 15:56

Have been with DP for 18 months now. We don't live together but only 10 mins apart and spend every weekend together without question. We have a fantastic relationship in every sense. I am 100% sure he's in it for the long term, we love each other and say so and all our friends/family see us as a permanent
fixture.

Vast majority of our friends are married and having babies left right and centre and
he's never expressed anti marriage views. Neither of us has any baggage or divorce in our families and he has a good job.
Thing is I'm 39 next birthday (he's 35) and I'm getting fed up waiting for him to take things to the next level- he must know that I am really pushing it at my age as far as kids is concerned. But I am a traditionalist/romantic who believes that the man should surprise the woman with a proposal and I'd hate to spoil that by being the first one to bring it up.

The Olympics has really depressed me as I remember so clearly when they were awarded to London thinking "I'll be nearly 40 by then, bound to be married with kids". If I were still single now as I was then it wouldn't seem so bad, but having got this far I really just want to lock it down and know where the future is going. Given our ages, am I being impatient? I can't think what on earth he could be waiting for. How can I get him to pull his finger out without actually saying outright that I want to get married?

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/07/2012 16:02

Do you think he is moving towards things long term.moving emotionally away from you,or happy in his current situation as it is?

noddyholder · 29/07/2012 16:03

Do you know that he is into getting married at all? It may not be for him as it is for you.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 16:18

Emotionally I think we have got stronger and stronger in the last 6 months, for example he calls me every day without fail to talk about nonsense like what we 're planning for tea if we're not eating together, and the other day I was joking about how he'd repeatedly rejected a suggestion I made about something silly, I said, "if you don't watch out I'll stop offering". He looked at me very seriously and said, "please make sure you give me lots of warning if I am genuinely pissing you off". He also just introduced me to his sister (who has been abroad since we met) and seemed very proud of me and said how happy he was that we'd finally got to know each other.

I think if he was anti -marriage he'd have said by now, he's definitely pro long term relationships (i see how happy he thinks his married friends are) and not a player.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/07/2012 16:21

have you directly asked him
do you want to marry me
do you want to have baby with me

saying he must know,well it's bit woolly.put your cards on table
be prepared he may not want same as you

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 16:24

But Scottish Mummy, if I ask him that and the answer is yes but he is planning a lovely surprise proposal I'll have spoiled it!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/07/2012 16:26

if he wanted to marry why hasn't he acted on it
could you stay with him unmarried,or is it v significant
baby?have you asked,what's his answer?could you stay with him unmarried,or is it v significant

scottishmummy · 29/07/2012 16:28

frankly I'd live together first
then you really understand someone and yourself
what's stopping you both moving in together

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 16:32

He hasn't asked me to move in/to move in with me. That would be something, but I have lived with a boyfriend before and we split up (5 years together, 2 co-habiting, ended when I was 30). Would rather just get on and seal the deal this time.

OP posts:
TeamGBIWI · 29/07/2012 16:32

Stop sitting back and playing the traditional role. You need to talk to him about this, if it's so important to you. This is 2012 not 1952. Women and men are supposed to be equal!

noddyholder · 29/07/2012 16:33

I am pro long term relationships and would never dream of getting married. It may just not be that important to him. You need to ask instead of waiting around for a surprise esp if its a deal breaker for you

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 16:33

I'm wondering if what he may be thinking is,if I leave this long enough,having children will not be an option.Maybe he,deep down,doesnt want any,or maybe 1.I could be wrong.
Alternatively,18 months to be together isnt that long.
What is his general attitude to life.Laid back,get up and go,restless,cautious.

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 16:34

And what is his previous relationship pattern,if you dont mind saying.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 16:37

But if he said he wanted to have a baby I would count that as sealing the deal as much as marriage.

In terms of living together to get to know each other, we spend every weekend in his place, and a couple of weeknights and have keys to each other's flats, I am not sure that living together would teach us anything new.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 16:43

Amillionyears, he has has a few relationships of about a year or so, but nothing serious. We haven't really talked much about our pasts-I don't see the relevance.

I am not bothered about children, if he wants me but not children then that's fine by me. On the other hand if he does want them, am happy to give it a try.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 16:48

Oh and he's pretty go-getting on a macro scale e.g. auper academic high-flyer, taking risks and moving jobs to get promoted but he can be a bit lazy in terms of preferring TV to doing sport, takeaway instead of cooking etc.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/07/2012 16:48

Do you both talk about deep things,or do both of you keep the talking to light issues?
And would he know that you are prepared to be with him long term without children.

Cokeaholic · 29/07/2012 16:50

I think you have a way to test the water by you suggesting that you move in together.

If he doesn't want to then he is not as committed as you are and it is unlikely that you'll be having babies with him any time soon.

You yourself seem unsure as to whether you want children.

I do think you need to ask him in some roundabout, subtle as is possible, way if he sees himself as a father in the future ?

If he says yes and wants children then you need to get him to consider his age compared to yours with regards fertility. If he wants you and he wants children he needs to get accelerate his lifeplans by committing to ttc with you a.s.a.p.

youarewinning · 29/07/2012 16:54

Thing is - he may be thinking the same as you. 1 of you needs to open up the discussion. You say your really close and talk alot. Well you need to gauge how he feels about having children.

I do accept though it's not as easy as just asking!

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 16:57

I'd say light to medium- we talk a lot about how we are made for each other personality-wise, serious stuff about what we want from our jobs, but we have never has a serious conversation about where the relationship is going, it has all gone so well without us theorising about it. Has kind of hoped he wouldn't need prompting.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 17:01

Thanks Cokeaholic. I have wanted to avoid suggesting we move in as don't want to be in cohabitation limbo like I was this time 10 years ago. But the difference is that now we have to get the children issue out in the open. I don't think that he's thinking he'll string me along then go off and have kids with a younger woman when he's ready, but perhaps subconsciously he knows that's an option.

OP posts:
EnjoyResponsibly · 29/07/2012 17:03

Jessie if DH was left to his own devices hed still be sitting in darkened living room watching cricket every Sunday.

Seize the day!

mirry2 · 29/07/2012 17:06

Why don't you engineer a talk about babies. Just say a friend of your has just had a baby and it has made feel really broody and ask him if he ever feels like that. Take it from there.

Whatever you do don't just leave it. hoping that he's planning to propose. He probably isn't because lots of men don't think like that.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/07/2012 17:10

Why dont you just casually say "do you see children in your future" or something similar the next time you are out and see a baby or children playing.

But be prepared if the answer is no. I do think that if you get on well etc theres no reason why you cant just have a chat about it without him feeling "pressured". Maybe he thinks that as you are nearly 40 and dont talk much about kids or have them already you just dont want them. But until you talk you wont know what he thinks!!

JUbilympiX · 29/07/2012 17:10

Has he ever said he'd like children, even if he also says "sometime"? He won't have a ticking clock telling him to have babies now, so you are just going to have to drop the Little Woman bit for a while and talk to him.

pictish · 29/07/2012 17:13

But I am a traditionalist/romantic who believes that the man should surprise the woman with a proposal and I'd hate to spoil that by being the first one to bring it up.

My eyes rolled out of my head and along the floor at this one.

I get your romantic notion, your like-a-movie dream proposal....I even get why you harbour it. It would be nice, wouldn't it?

However, back in real life with the actual people, it aint happening is it? You're getting on a bit and actually yes, you're probably right to want some firm plans in place to undertake.

Don't be so silly as to put them on hold, because you're holding out for him to drop a diamond ring in your dessert to find, while the rest of the restaurant rewards you both with rapturous applause. It's a fantasy.

All that will happen is that you will end up hurt and disappointed...as he fails at something he didn't know he was expected to do. Talk to him.