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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fed up waiting what to do?

85 replies

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 15:56

Have been with DP for 18 months now. We don't live together but only 10 mins apart and spend every weekend together without question. We have a fantastic relationship in every sense. I am 100% sure he's in it for the long term, we love each other and say so and all our friends/family see us as a permanent
fixture.

Vast majority of our friends are married and having babies left right and centre and
he's never expressed anti marriage views. Neither of us has any baggage or divorce in our families and he has a good job.
Thing is I'm 39 next birthday (he's 35) and I'm getting fed up waiting for him to take things to the next level- he must know that I am really pushing it at my age as far as kids is concerned. But I am a traditionalist/romantic who believes that the man should surprise the woman with a proposal and I'd hate to spoil that by being the first one to bring it up.

The Olympics has really depressed me as I remember so clearly when they were awarded to London thinking "I'll be nearly 40 by then, bound to be married with kids". If I were still single now as I was then it wouldn't seem so bad, but having got this far I really just want to lock it down and know where the future is going. Given our ages, am I being impatient? I can't think what on earth he could be waiting for. How can I get him to pull his finger out without actually saying outright that I want to get married?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/07/2012 18:32

I agree. Seize the day. If you don't you'll regret it that's my opinion. You say yourself the clock is ticking by if you want a baby. Allthis flowers and hearts proposal stuff is a bit nonsensical. I'm getting a bit of a cynic so take no notice of that.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/07/2012 18:36

Having a baby is not a "joint enterprise". Many women feel it is their lifes purpose and relish being a mother. Some women have babies without much planning and go on to thoroughly enjoy it.

But there are some women who have babies because its the "done thing" or they feel pressured by society. These women can often become depressed and feel their lives have lost purpose. If you are not broody and dont want kids then dont be scared to admit that. You are a lawyer. A very intelligent, independant career woman and I know it is nice to think of the lovely proposal and the happy ever after, but you need to be true to yourself. You have many qualities which a man would want you for besides your ability to have children.

If you have no emotional attachment to the notion of having babies then why would you do it? If your DP asked you to do something else which you werent that keen on but you would be tied into for the rest of your life, would you do it?

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 18:39

Whhen you said that you want stability and long term security,did you mean emotional stability and emotional long term security,or financial stability and financial long term security.Or both.

tippytap · 29/07/2012 18:40

From what you've said, you want to get married. Full stop.

You don't know if you you want children or not and seem to be leaving that up to your bf to decide (do you really not have any strong feelings on this one way or the other?!) and that after 18 months, you haven't really discussed with your b/f each others pasts/relationships and also haven't discussed the future or even know what kind of future you both want, either seperately or together.

It's been a while since I dated, I admit, but that's the sort of thing that is covered in the first few dates usually.

Maybe for him, this is just a casual relationship?

blackteaplease · 29/07/2012 18:44

But if you've had the chat about marriage and babies then you would know if he was committed then you can move in. It's totally different to staying over. What about chores, attitude to mess, attitude to money. These would all crop up .

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 18:46

Having looked again at your opening post,and particularly the last paragraph,you seem to be saying that that you would rather be single,than as you are now.I am wondering if you being a lawyer has something to do with it all,as in you feel your current emotional situation is rather like an unresolved case.
If you cannot take the limbo any longer,you are going to have to do something one way or another,to change the situation.

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 18:48

Thanks dontmindifido.

But just to be clear to everyone (and appreciate it may not have been clear from my first post): if he told me he did not want children I would have no problem at all with that. Having a baby is not my objective. Having him commit to me for life is, and if that needs a willingness to have a baby then so be it, but I will very soon not be able to offer that. I thought that he would have realised this but maybe I do need to spell it out. Perhaps it's a red herring-he's realised this, doesn't want kids and is taking his own sweet time. But you are right, it's a bit ridiculous that I should not know his position.

If he told me tomorrow he didn't see a long term future for us I'd obviously end it, but I honestly believe that nobody will ever be as right for me as he is. I have kissed a LOT of frogs (sorry, was that a bit chick lit ?)

OP posts:

futureunknown · 29/07/2012 18:48

You are an educated modern woman yet you're behaving like an Austen character. Seize the day and find out if he is as serious as you are. If he isn't at least you will know where you stand.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/07/2012 18:53

Tbh I think you are being a bit ridiculous.

A baby is a person. With feelings. It is so unhealthy to be "willing" to have a baby JUST to keep him.

tippytap · 29/07/2012 18:53

But, Jessie, you can't have a baby just to please someone else. HAving a child is a lifelong commitment and changes your life completely.

Maybe you should decide if you yourself wants children before agreeing to have them "for" someone else.

tippytap · 29/07/2012 18:54

X-post with wannabe!

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 19:00

Amillionyears, that's a good analogy, thanks!

I certainly don't need financial security, and DP and I are very open indeed about finances - things like his attitude to money I am very clear on.

I am positive he doesn't see us as casual-we do everything together, all our friends are mutual now - he even invites me to drinks with his workmates.

Thinking back though, we had been seeing each other for a couple of months when I said to him, "So, am I your girlfriend now then?" His response was "oh, of course, that's how I describe you to everyone else". Seems he'd just forgotten to tell me...

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 19:07

I fully understand the concern about saying that I seem to think I should have a baby to "keep" him. But I don't see it like that. The way I see it, there are lots of factors that contribute to a decision to do something important. For me one of those factors is whether the man I love wants to do it with me. If he does, then I do. If he doesn't, then I would not go off and do it alone or with someone else. That's not the same as me doing something I don't want to do, just to please him. I am ambivalent, not anti.

And as for all the comments that I am being a Jane Austen character/ hopeless romantic hand wringer, I have to be so pragmatic and pro-active in my professional life, is it really so bad to want to be a bit fluffy in one aspect of my personal life? Believe me, once he had delivered the surprise it would all stop!

OP posts:

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 19:07

I am going to take some guesses about your partner now.
I think that although he is a high flier,in his own time,he is quite laid back.
It may well be that he might,for instance,take 3 years to get around to proposing to you.And it may well not have properly crossed his mind about the fertility issue,especially as he has seen other older mums become pregnant.In short,he may well not have given much thought to any of this.

tribpot · 29/07/2012 19:11

Can I be honest and say that if, at the age of 38 you're not bothered one way or the other about having children, you probably don't want them? I know some people do decide to have their first child later than this, but realistically your fertility is reducing and if that doesn't bother you particularly - fine, no reason it should.

But there are no guarantees in life. What if he says he wants to commit to you and have a baby and then leaves when you're pregnant? There are a few MNers who have been through that. I'm not for one minute suggesting he's the sort of shitbag who would actually do this, just using it for illustrative purposes that there is no fairy-tale ending. You make a series of choices and you do it in good faith based on all the information you have at the time. At the moment you're playing a guessing game based on little information.

Hope it all works out for you.

scottishmummy · 29/07/2012 19:15

i dont get all the fluffy whimsy waiting for him to pop question
pragmatically you need to ask him
do we have a long-term future,will we marry. when will we move in together

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 19:19

You are too scared to ask him important questions are'nt you?
Not so much the baby one,but the stuff about long term future and marriage.

The alternative is quite likely to be a possible quite long time wait imo.

blueshoes · 29/07/2012 19:19

Forget your romantic notions. You are not at an age where you have that luxury.

Suggest moving in together. Then make sure you can live with him. Once that is done (say 6 months later), ask him about his plans re: children and marriage.

Or ask him about children/marriage now and then move in together to road test him prior.

SundaysGirl · 29/07/2012 19:21

It seems really weird you have decided this is the man you want to marry but have not yet even had a discussion about marriage. There is no reason why you couldn't at least know where you both stand and STILL have a romantic suprise in terms of a proposal. TBH if you are more worried about waiting for a surprise than finding out if this man you want to spend the rest of your life with wants the same in return you have a bit of a skewed perspective.

What if he doesn't want to? You are obviously frustrated / concerned enough to be posting here instead of, you know, coomunicating with your great lvoe of your life. What if you wait another three years, then ask and oh looks like he doesn't want to marry you.

Really weird way of looking at it all if you ask me.

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 19:23

Amillionyears you're right, I need to spell it out for him. Perhaps I haven't yet because I have always felt insecure about being older than he is. We got together on a night out with mutual friends and I thought he'd run a mile when I told him my age after the event, but he was clear that it wasn't an issue for him. But I think maybe he didn't realise what the issue actually was. And things went so well that I'm scared to bring it up now.

Anyway Ladies, thanks for all your help. I resolved now to take the bull by the horns.

OP posts:

HawthornLantern · 29/07/2012 19:27

Not sure I can add much that's helpful, but I would emphasise that it is worth trying to get a clear view from him on whether having children is important to him for the unromantic but very practical point that he may be completely oblivious to the fact that if he would like children with you, time is of the essence.

Some of my own situation is very similar to yours - no kids and I started going out with DP in my late 30s. He had kids already (he's 10 years older than me and his kids were late teen/young adult) and he was very very very clear, that he wasn't in the market for starting all over again. He had his beloved kids and wasn't planning to add to them. But despite the fact we started seeing each other when I was 38/39 he honestly thought I had another 10 years of childbearing opportunity. He was very surprised to find how off base he was. But his perspective was that he didn't want to get in my way if children were necessary to me - so he was trying to be considerate even though his facts were a bit scrambled.

Your BF may well not have started to think these issues through to their logical conclusion - if he's just having the time of his life that's not a surprise, but he may need a little nudge to start thinking....

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 19:32

I am also very depressed that I am pushing 39 and only got my act together relationship-wise this late in life. If we were both 35 I'd happily give him time to make up his mind, even though I am 100% sold I don't think that 18 months is necessarily long enough to decide if you want to marry someone if fertility is taken out of the equation, so don't really blame him. But we are where we are.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 19:32

Good luck.

pictish · 29/07/2012 19:34

Yes...very good luck indeed!

MooncupGoddess · 29/07/2012 19:38

But if you're not bothered about having children, why are you very depressed that you've only just found a relationship you're really happy with?

It does seem odd that you've never had a discussion with your boyfriend about marriage and children, even in the abstract, at a time when your friends are all getting married and sprogging. It sounds like maybe you have complicated/ambivalent feelings about the whole children thing - nothing wrong with that, but maybe that's why you're leaving it up to your boyfriend to decide?

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