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Original poster

Fed up waiting what to do?

85 replies

JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 15:56

Have been with DP for 18 months now. We don't live together but only 10 mins apart and spend every weekend together without question. We have a fantastic relationship in every sense. I am 100% sure he's in it for the long term, we love each other and say so and all our friends/family see us as a permanent
fixture.

Vast majority of our friends are married and having babies left right and centre and
he's never expressed anti marriage views. Neither of us has any baggage or divorce in our families and he has a good job.
Thing is I'm 39 next birthday (he's 35) and I'm getting fed up waiting for him to take things to the next level- he must know that I am really pushing it at my age as far as kids is concerned. But I am a traditionalist/romantic who believes that the man should surprise the woman with a proposal and I'd hate to spoil that by being the first one to bring it up.

The Olympics has really depressed me as I remember so clearly when they were awarded to London thinking "I'll be nearly 40 by then, bound to be married with kids". If I were still single now as I was then it wouldn't seem so bad, but having got this far I really just want to lock it down and know where the future is going. Given our ages, am I being impatient? I can't think what on earth he could be waiting for. How can I get him to pull his finger out without actually saying outright that I want to get married?

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 17:13

You're all right. He's probably lulled into a false sense of security because a friend of ours got pregnant at 38 within a month of deciding to try, and another couple had a baby when she got pregnant accidentally at 43 after they decided not to have any!

OP posts:
ladyintheradiator · 29/07/2012 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cookielove · 29/07/2012 17:21

I agree with ladyintheradiator. Tradition is all well and good but you end being single and childless because you never said anything you will have only yourself to blame.

WipsGlitter · 29/07/2012 17:22

I know the time pressure feels like it is on be use of your age but at 35 his feelings about children could change. Does he have friends/siblings with children? If it is not part of your day-to-day then it's maybe not something he thinks about.

You sound very passive - waiting and hoping. If you are sure he's "the one" then you need to have a serious talk so you at least have some idea what he's thinking. Is he the type to dream up a big romantic proposal?

I think millions question about previous relationships is relevant, if he's gone from one long term relationship to another it would suggest he can't commit.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 17:42

Children are everywhere in our lives - he has a 3 year old niece of whom he is v fond and another on the way (his sister is 32), all our friends have children or are pg, we visited my friend last week to meet her newborn. Neither of us is particularly gooey over kids but we read stories, hold babies, get involved in long conversations about parenting issues. He was speculating the other day about whether his best friend and his wife were trying. But he also commented recently that another couple would be no fun any more as they were having a baby. I thought he was joking though.

Maybe I haven't given off any broody vibes...because I am not broody. The long and the short of it is that I love him madly and want him to stand up in front of the world and commit to me forever. If he needs to have children in his future then I am more than happy to try to have one, but time is running out. If he doesn't, I suppose I can wait.
By the way, I would find a ring-in-the dessert public proposal boak-making, but I do harbour a romantic notion that he'll suddenly ask me while I am making scrambled eggs in my dressing gown.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 29/07/2012 17:44

You have read too much chick lit

pictish · 29/07/2012 17:54
Grin

I agree 'the propsal' must be a lovely thing, but it's not essential.

I remember my 'proposal'. We had been together years and had a child, and in truth it wasn't a priority for either of us to get married
We were browsing an ethnic and hand made jewellery shop I love, for a christmas present for me...something we had done before.
I spotted a rough, but slender, hand made silver ring topped with a pin prick of a diamond in a display cabinet. I looked at it and thought 'that would make the most tasteful engagement ring ever!'

I said to him 'See if you ever wanted to buy me an engagement ring...something like that there would be acceptable' while giving him an arch look 'don't bother coming in swinging the Elizabeth Duke of Argos bag!'

He laughed and bought me the ring. It was £85 - and still the loveliest ring I know of. That was us engaged.

Overblown romantic gestures are not required. The sentiment is.
Talk to him x

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/07/2012 17:56

Im confused. Do you want children or not?

Dont just have a baby because you think it will be a public declaration of your commitment to each other. Babies can breakdown the strongest of relationships and a baby is no guarantee of him staying forever. If you are genuinely not fussed then my advice is dont. And to have a baby to make him happy is unhealthy also.

That said, if you want the relationship to progress then whats the harm in bringing up living together or marriage? Atleast if he doesnt want these things you wont have wasted more time.

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 17:58

One thing I would say,is you do need to think whether you can stick to the agreeing to not have children.
A relative of mine did this,agreed to no children,secretly thinking he would change his mind after they got married.He never did,he meant the no kids.Not sure if she regretted marrying him or not,but she doesnt have children.
I do get the impression,like others have said,that you like romantic notions.And would be concerned,from what you have said on here,that you might end up in the same situation as my relative.

TeamGBIWI · 29/07/2012 18:00

I'm assuming, because you're new to Mumsnet, that you joined here to ask us about the whole having babies thing - but it seems as if you're fixated on the marriage thing.

Unless you're looking for help writing your own chick lit?

TeamGBIWI · 29/07/2012 18:00

... and you don't have to be married to have babies, by the way. As I said, this is 2012.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 18:08

Nice story Pictish, thanks.

To answer the question from the other poster (sorry am on iphone so can't scroll up to check your name once I start to type a reply) re would I just be having a baby to make him happy, the way I see it is that having a baby is a joint enterprise, so if he wanted me to be his partner in that I'd be thrilled. I'd also take him asking me to have his baby as the "proposal" even if he didn't actually want to get married. But I don't want a baby enough to make me dump him if he doesn't want to be a father.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/07/2012 18:12

Are you willing to talk to him about his longer term plans about you[whether that includes talking about babies is up to you]now,wait a while say 6 months,or not at all because it may spoil the "surprise".
You put as your subject heading,"fed up waiting what to do?"

solidgoldbrass · 29/07/2012 18:12

Oh FFS, if you can't actually articulate what you want to your partner, you're in for a lifetime of resentment, if he doesn't get pissed off with your sulking over him not doing things that you never asked him to do in the first place.
Stop wafting around wringing your hands and slobbering, talk to him.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 18:13

TeamGBIWI I am not new to MN, I have name changed. I post on MN because it is a fast-moving forum full of women with articulate and interesting viewpoints about all sorts of things other than babies, and I am constantly amazed that people give up their time to offer advice to others. I have contributed a lot to other threads for years under different names.

You're right, it's marriage/unequivocal long term commitment that I am interested in, not babies as such. I don't write chick lit, I am far too busy being a lawyer.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/07/2012 18:18

I think we all have certain principles,standards,morals,views,standpoints ets.
And every so often,they can collide.And we have to work out which is the more important.
So for you the 2 things that have collided are your romantic proposal ideas versus possible babies and how many.

akaemmafrost · 29/07/2012 18:21

At your age and I don't mean any offence with saying that, purely in keeping with your own concerns about it and with you wanting children and a marriage etc. I think I would have to be quite pragmatic about it. Agree with all others who have said not to hang around for the romantic proposal. It seems you have a lovely man there, let him know what you are thinking and wanting and make sure he is on the same page. I had Moonlight and Roses and here I am 10 years later divorced for the second time and a lone parent, quite happy with my lot tbh but thats beside the point. What I am saying is it doesn't always work out the way you think its going to. Tell him what you want. This is exactly what I would do in this situation.

blackteaplease · 29/07/2012 18:23

Jeez, you can have a conversation about whether he wants marriage and babies without forcing him or spoiling a surprise proposal. How have you been together for 18 months and not talked about your life goals? If you want marriage and children and he doesn't what are you going to do? Accept that, hang around in case he changes his mind or leave to find someone who does want those things.

If you both want the same thing I would move in together first. You say you lived with an ex for a few years, you must know that living together, sharing a home is completely different to splitting your time between 2 houses.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 18:24

Amillionyears I do agree with what you say about conflicting principles etc. However I's say the collision was not romance vs babies, rather it's romance vs stability and long term security, I only brought up babies because I think that DP may want kids so given my age that's why I am being impatient after only 18 months.

OP posts:
TeamGBIWI · 29/07/2012 18:25

Why on earth are you indulging in this rose-tinted-spectacle view of your relationship? Just talk to him about where it's going and spell out what you want out of it. Why are you waiting to find out what he wants?

Squeegle · 29/07/2012 18:27

I think Solidgold has it right. You need to be able to be completely honest with a long term future partner, and you need to be able to be honest enough with yourself about what you want long term, never mind any romantic proposal notions.

Ten years down the line what do you want to be doing? Will you happy to be 49 with no kids? Will he? If you want to seriously be together them you need to have an open discussion, no games - what are you both in it for? At the moment you're trying to second guess him. That's never going to work!

tak1ngchances · 29/07/2012 18:28

I would say "do you see us getting married one day?"
Even if he is planning some ridiculously romantic proposal, he would just say, oh yes one day for sure. then you can relax and try not to hurry him along (if you keen on being surprised)
If he's not into marriage you will have an awkward and probably upsetting discussion, but at least you will know.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 29/07/2012 18:30

Blackteaplease, I didn't find that living with my ex was that different to living separately in terms of what we learned about our relationship. It was good not having to pack bags all the time, but other than that little changed. Stupidly I saw it as a commitment from him but he didn't, it turns out, view it as much more than an arrangement of practical convenience. Not keen to go there again.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 29/07/2012 18:31

Ask him straight out, "do you want to have children with me? Because I'm nearly 40, if it is something you want, then we need to start trying soon, as in, within the next 6 months." If he doesn't then you can plan on that, but just drifting waiting for the romantic fairy tale moment is something a 23 year old can do, I would suggest a 29 year old take the bull by the horns, a 39 year old has run out of time.

It's too late to wait if you want DCs. If he wants DCs with you then he needs to move fast. He either a) doesn't get this so you need to tell him in simple, clear words or b) he does get this, but doesn't want DC at all or c) does get this, does want DCs but not with you and is just bobbing along with you, not thinking you are his 'life partner'.

If you were hoping for the big fairy tale proposal, I'm surprised he hasn't suggested moving in together first. I know very few couples who've got engaged without living together first - and none in their 30s. If he was planning something romantic in the next few months, he would have discussed living together first. That he hasn't done this doesn't mean he won't ask you, but just that it might be at least another year or so down the line - you don't have another year or so to wait if you want DCs.

If you do insist on waiting for the ChickLit ending, do so knowing you are actively chosing to leave it far too late to have a baby.

scottishmummy · 29/07/2012 18:31

youre coming across whimsy romanticist,seal the deal,waiting to be asked etc
pragmatically you want to get married and have babies,need to put cards on table and tell him how significant this is to you
you need to have a frank conversation and see what his answer is to the fact that you want to marry and have kids with him asap. you need to be clear does he absolutely share this desire to marry and have kids
if he doesn't what are you going to do? will you wait and see or are you set on kids and marriage. if its def kids that you want then you need to be with a man who definitely tells you he wants to have kids,you need that unequivocal commitment