Fed up waiting what to do?

[JessieMcJessie]

Have been with DP for 18 months now. We don't live together but only 10 mins apart and spend every weekend together without question. We have a fantastic relationship in every sense. I am 100% sure he's in it for the long term, we love each other and say so and all our friends/family see us as a permanent
fixture.

Vast majority of our friends are married and having babies left right and centre and
he's never expressed anti marriage views. Neither of us has any baggage or divorce in our families and he has a good job.
Thing is I'm 39 next birthday (he's 35) and I'm getting fed up waiting for him to take things to the next level- he must know that I am really pushing it at my age as far as kids is concerned. But I am a traditionalist/romantic who believes that the man should surprise the woman with a proposal and I'd hate to spoil that by being the first one to bring it up.

The Olympics has really depressed me as I remember so clearly when they were awarded to London thinking "I'll be nearly 40 by then, bound to be married with kids". If I were still single now as I was then it wouldn't seem so bad, but having got this far I really just want to lock it down and know where the future is going. Given our ages, am I being impatient? I can't think what on earth he could be waiting for. How can I get him to pull his finger out without actually saying outright that I want to get married?

Good luck, i hope you get your happily ever after

I do understand the issue about being a bit fluffy about some areas of your life when you are a professional in a high-pressure job. I would better characterise it as not having the headspace to deal with everything in your life at once. You spend your working life sorting out other people's problems and lives and are left with little energy to devote to your own.

However, I do think that you owe it to yourself to spend some time making decisions about how you see the rest of your life panning out. I don't mean to be unkind but you are being very wishy-washy. You need to make a decision as to whether you want to have children and really how important is is to you to be married.

The question about children is something that needs a real decision from you. You say you would be happy to have children of your partner does, but what about you having them if you ended up as a single parent? It is not just a question of your relationship lasting- illness and accident can also mean that you could end up raising children on your own. It would not be fair to either potential DC's or to yourself if you could not imagine yourself being happy in this situation.

You do need to be able to talk to your DP about your plans for the future, this to my mind is a fundamental part of a relationship to be on the same page about this.

I would suggest that you take some time to dedicate some headspace to making some decisions for yourself about this. Maybe go for a weekend break on your own, go for some long walks and really think about things. You owe it to yourself to take control of your future and not let someone else decide for you.

Also speaking to your DP about your future does not mean no romantic surprise about a proposal. My DP and I had agreed that we would get married, but I said that I would leave the formalities to him. He proposed a few months ago at a time and manner that was a complete surprise to me.

Mooncup goddess, I spent most of my thirties miserably single. It seems like a lot of life to have spent without companionship, and my Dad died at 53 so I have no faith that people who meet late in life will necessarily have a long time together. Then if it turns out DP doesn't want to stay with me and I have to start out again, depressing that my age will make me a no-go for men who do want children. But let's hope I caught the bus just in time!

Do be careful, OP. You are starting to sound desperate, which is a very bad state to be in. This man is only a man, not a superhuman; there are plenty of men around you could have a nice relationship with. DOn't think of him as your 'last chance' because that's not a healthy way to treat someone you're dating; all but the very nicest of men would be inclined to take advantage of a partner who is so frantic to avoid being single that s/he would put up with any old shit as long as he doesn't leave her.

And it's not compulsory to have a couple-relationship anyway, a fulfilled and happy life (and parenthood) is perfectly feasible for a single person.

I think also, you are assuming the only issue is if you want children; if he wants DCs, he might bob along with you for a while, then be upset if he then decides to get married and want DCs because it's the right time for him but is too late for you to be possible. If he's going to get to the stage where he has to think "what's more important, being a dad or being with JessieMcJessie?" then it's worth pointing it out now before he has to make that decision.

If he's only 35, I would guess that the majority of his friends are a similar age, and their partners are either the same age or younger. Amongst a group of 35 year old men who's DP/W's are 35 or younger there won't be a time pressure - it genuninely might not have crossed his mind, espcially if he doesn't think of you as older than him.

18 months is enough time at your/his age to decide if it's right - I know people in their 30's who have met and married in less. You are old enough by 30 to know your own mind and what you want/don't want. He should know, even though he might not have put a time frame on that.

Oh no SGB, it's not like that at all, though could see how that might sound. I did find being single miserable but I was probably single because I was so picky- this is the real deal and in no way am I settling. In fact I'd go so far as to say that all the wrong turns and disappointments in the past were worth it to put me in the right place at the right time to meet him. I particularly bless the day my co-habiting ex dumped me, because this is so much better than I ever thought a relationship could be. I'd never in a million years contemplate marrying someone out of desperation.

Well, you won't know what he's thinking unless you ask him.

If he says he has no intention of settling down and having kids, you know where you stand and you can decide what to do with that information.

If he wants to, but in some vague timescale, he needs reminding that time is ticking on for you.

If he has some big proposal planned, maybe he will get the hint and crack on with it...

But you need to have The Conversation to find out where he is on this.

youre tippy toeing here
you need to ask him the straight question do you want to marry me
its time for a cards on table discussion not daydreaming about the proposal and tulle and the ring

I have read most of the threads so hope I am not repeating anything
I think the time issue is over kids, after all waiting another year to get married if they're not an issue will not make any difference. Some chaps are just in less of a rush ( it took me 3 years to move in with DH and 6 to marry him). You can't expect everyone to conform to the 'norm' - i went nearly crazy wondering if we were ever going to get round to it DH just didn't feel he could make his decision any faster...you can't force these things??
I would ask him whether he thinks he wants kids or not ( a friend of mine who was 40 and boyfriend 10 years younger had this chat v early on as she was worried he thought she was younger, he said no kids, they are now deliriously happily married). If he says he does then point out that you need to get on with it ,and even then there's no guarantee, would that concern him?

I can understand your own ambivalence, i always sort of thought I wanted kids in a vague way, but am thrilled i have had them ( but only with the right partner). I am a medic so didn't give it much thought perhaps for similar reasons to you.

good luck...