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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is it unfaithful if your separated

79 replies

loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 22:55

What your opion ? My husband and i have been separated for nearly 5 months now when i said to my sister he was being unfaithful in my mind even if we were separated she said
id if your separated your free to sleep with who you want.
just wondered what others thought.
He left me and kids.

OP posts:
SparklyGothKat · 27/07/2012 22:57

Are you still sleeping with each other?

BertieBotts · 27/07/2012 22:58

I think on technicalities your DSis is probably right, however, if his actions have changed the way you feel about him, then I don't think it matters whether he "technically" cheated or not? Emotional affairs aren't "technically" cheating but can do a whole lot of damage.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 22:58

No he barely speaks to me.

OP posts:
issey6cats · 27/07/2012 23:00

im seperated same as you but 9 months down the line

my husband cheated on me while we were still married and living together that was cheating

since we split up i dont give a toss who hes sleeping with we are not together as man and wife

and its non of his business if i sleep with someone

so seperated to me means the same as single

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:01

He left saying he needed space to think about things he now said its over but there's you no ow involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:05

My problem is i still love him and am finding it hard to except its over so imo we are still married so its being unfaithful

OP posts:
Casmama · 27/07/2012 23:07

If he has told you it's over then it is and he is not being unfaithful no matter how you feel. Sorry.

Beckamaw · 27/07/2012 23:09

Theoretically, but........
DH slept with a work colleague when we were together. I tried for 2 years but couldn't forgive and marriage was long dead in the water TBH.
I told him it was over and we lived together whilst formally separating. Once the money was sorted I bought my own home. In this time I met DP.
At this point he could theoretically have divorced me for adultery! I could not, as adultery 'expires' after 6 months!!!
We are still legally married (divorce ongoing) but I am now engaged to DP and we have a baby! Grin
It's not quite as clear cut as it seems, is it?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:09

But surely if your still married and not in threesum process of divorce it is unfaithful ?

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:10

Lol sorry don't know where the word threesum come from im on my mobile lol

OP posts:
sassytheFIRST · 27/07/2012 23:11

Ross didn't think so. Rachel did. Therein is your issue.

Viviennemary · 27/07/2012 23:12

If you're still married he is being unfaithful. That's my opinion. You can't just tear up a marriage certificate because it suits you. Though some people might want to.

lucidlady · 27/07/2012 23:14

It's adultery in the technical sense, yes. I agree with you OP. sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:15

Vivien exactly how i feel about it

OP posts:
redrubyshoes · 27/07/2012 23:18

My ex-h refused point blank that I could divorce him on the grounds of adultery and said he would stop the divorce and the house sale if I contested it.

He was shagging her behind my back for months before we separated (I knew nothing about it)

Yep it was adultery but he would not accept the fact and it would have speeded up the divorce if he had but he didn't want that bald faced facts laid bare for all to see.

The fact that he was a lying fucker.

Viviennemary · 27/07/2012 23:18

I'm sorry too loganberry. Hope things get better soon.

Cluffyfunt · 27/07/2012 23:20

Do you think he has been cheering on you?

Cluffyfunt · 27/07/2012 23:21

Sorry
Cheating not cheering Blush

FateLovesTheFearless · 27/07/2012 23:23

I met my dp 2 months into separating. In the eyes of the law, it's adultery. I only wish stbxh would have divorced me on those grounds instead of having to wait the year to divorce him. Smile

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:23

Cluffy i don't know I've got no evidence of it and he's always denied there being ow but i find it hard to believe he'd leave for no reason.

OP posts:
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 27/07/2012 23:26

I don't think it really matters what it is, it won't change your feelings of sadness

Fwiw I wouldn't see it as cheating at all, especially as he has been clear that your marriage is over. Legally I think it adultery

But either way it must be hard,I hope things get better for you soon

maleview70 · 27/07/2012 23:26

It's not cheating. He has told you it's over. Sometimes you have to let go, deal with your pain and then move on.

Concentrateonthegood · 27/07/2012 23:26

Logonberry, it almost doesn't matter, does it, whatever the technical definition?

I think you need to start detaching from him emotionally as you are being eaten up with misery over this. He's moving on; you need to also, my love. I'm not suggesting you rush out and find a replacement but you need to start to make a life that doesn't include him or the misery he has caused you. Look forward and not backward. Be strong.

Cluffyfunt · 27/07/2012 23:29

That is massively shite.
Sounds like an OW is involved (sorry, I really don't want to put the boot in)

So cruel to keep you in limbo like that Sad

Has he said anything about getting back together or getting divorced?

HecateHarshPants · 27/07/2012 23:29

Technically yes, but if you're not sharing a home, a bed or a life and have decided that you are not a couple any more - then the relationship is over. (even if it's only one of you that's decided and has imposed that on the other person by withdrawing from the relationship) If the relationship is over and it's just reduced to a piece of paper, then it's not unfaithful. Unfaithful is two people in a relationship, promising to be with nobody else and screwing around. A person can't on the one hand say we are no longer a couple and on the other say that any relationship had with anyone else is infidelity. Split up is split up.

Two couples. One married, one not. Both separate. We are no longer a couple. One of each moves out. 3 months later, one of each starts seeing someone else.

One of them is unfaithful and the other is not? Two relationships, same situation, same time frame. What's different?

I'm sorry that you're feeling so wounded by this. It must be so very painful. But to protect yourself, you're going to have to see your relationship as over rather than him cheating on you. He's told you that it's over. You have no choice but to accept that, as horribly painful as it is. If you can accept that he has ended the relationship, you can try to pick yourself up and begin to heal.

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