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Original poster

is it unfaithful if your separated

79 replies

loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 22:55

What your opion ? My husband and i have been separated for nearly 5 months now when i said to my sister he was being unfaithful in my mind even if we were separated she said
id if your separated your free to sleep with who you want.
just wondered what others thought.
He left me and kids.

OP posts:
GnocchiNineDoors · 27/07/2012 23:32

OP if you fell out of love with him, and ended it, then found someone else, would you wait until your divorce was finalised before sleeping with them?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:35

He said he doesn't think we can ever come back from this but he hasn't mentioned divorce . when i said to him shall i go to a solicitor about getting. a divorce he replied with " if that's what you want to do" its so hard to get any sense out of him really he just doesn't discuss anything to do with the marriage .

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:42

Gnocchi if i fell out of love with my husband and started seeing someone else i would start divorce proceeding he hasn't even suggested divorce this is why its confusing.

OP posts:
FateLovesTheFearless · 27/07/2012 23:43

You can't just start divorce proceedings. In Scotland you have to wait a year, england two years I believe.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 23:45

Didn't think you had to wait at all if you both agreed to it.

OP posts:
FateLovesTheFearless · 28/07/2012 01:21

Yes you do. The court allocates a reasonable amount of time before allowing the application for divorce, incase there is reconciliation. It is presumed after two years it's not likely. If you could divorce just like that I would be divorced now.

ISpyPlumPie · 28/07/2012 01:40

Legally - yes, it's adultery.

Morally - less clear cut. Can understand why you feel upset though.

Lueji · 28/07/2012 02:12

Being married by the catholic church, even divorced I'd will be committing adultery. :)

Anyway, regarding divorcing him I'd ask a solicitor about the best options.

But face it that he's gone. And never mind what he is doing.
It's healthier for you.

Pompano · 28/07/2012 02:30

After we'd been separated (different homes, very little contact except through solicitors) for about 6 months I slept with someone. I hated it. That's irrelevant.
To me, that wasn't cheating. But when we got back together my ex saw it as cheating. He foundit very difficult to get past. But I just thought I was trying to move on.

skyebluesapphire · 28/07/2012 03:26

I think if you are permanently seperated then it us not cheating as your relationship is over. Technically it may be adultery but I don't think it would stand if court if you were seperated at the time.

If you were on a trial seperation then it would be cheating..

Midwife99 · 28/07/2012 04:10

I agree. If you're separated permanently it's not cheating it's moving on. I have a friend who has been separated 6 years who has never bothered to get divorced! She's probably had 6 boyfriends in that time but none of them were cheating. You have to come to terms with it love. It's been 5 months & he's not coming back. Sorry Sad

izzyizin · 28/07/2012 05:10

What country are you living in Fate?

According to the law of England and Wales, providing one year has elapsed since the date of her marriage, Loganberry can petition for divorce tomorrow if she so wishes.

Furthermore, in the absence of a Judicial Separation and regardless of whether a couple are living separate lives, until such time as a marriage has been ended by decree handed down by a Court of Law, a spouse who has sexual intercourse with another party is commiting adultery. An aggrieved spouse can cite this fact in their petition for divorce and can name the other party/parties as co-respondent(s).

However, the majority of divorces these days cite unreasonable behaviour as the cause of irretrievable breakdown of a marriage.

You're best advised to book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half hour initial consultation, Loganberry.

Although it may be that you don't wish to petition for divorce at the present time, knowing your legal position will help to empower you.

4thplaceformathanxiety · 28/07/2012 05:16

You're as married as you think you are, in your heart. His heart is not there. He has told you that -- 'do what you want to do'.

Then there is the legal aspect of things which is different.

ElusiveCamel · 28/07/2012 08:44

No, it's not infidelity or cheating if you're separated and the relationship is over. Being unfaithful requires breaking promises of faithfulness in a committed ongoing relationships. I'm sorry it's difficult for you at the moment Sad

JustFabulous · 28/07/2012 08:58

Sounds like he wants out but doesn't want to be the bad guy who goes for divorce proceedings.

Concentrateonthegood · 28/07/2012 09:20

Logonberry, I just feel from your comments that you are holding on to a hope that because he hasn't mentioned divorce, he is unsure of whether the marriage is over. His actions in the past mean the marriage is over not the final administrative bit that ends the legal status. You must try and see this and work through the fact that YOU need to call time on thinking that there is some sort of future. I can't quite remember all of your story but enough to urge you to make your own decision to start considering your life as a worthwhile one on your own and start the slow journey of healing. Why would you want him for heaven's sake?

SparklyGothKat · 28/07/2012 09:32

Legally both me and Exh are committing adultery as we both have new partners.
But we have been separated 2 1/2 years. I can't afford a divorce and he hasn't bothered.

amstronger · 28/07/2012 09:36

I've been seperated for almost two years and in my mind is completely over so doesn't give a fuck who he sleeps with, adultery or not.He's told you is over and doesn't care about your feelings,is hard but you need to forget about what he's up to and move on.

CogitoErgOlympics · 28/07/2012 10:08

It may be dressed up as a separation to see how everyone feels but for one party it usually means 'it's over' and they're giving the other time to get the message. Words like infidelity become rather irrelevant when that's the case.

puds11 · 28/07/2012 11:41

My DP and i have been separdted for a month now. We still live together etc. but if he was to sleep with someone else, as long as it wasnt in my house, then i wouldnt mind. I would be a bit sad, but we are over, if he wants to have sex with other people that is his perogative.

The major difference between me and you though logan is that our split was wnated by both of us, which makes the whole thing a lot more bearable, whereas yours was clearly onesided Sad

If there is no chance of reconcilliation, could you start the divorce proceedings?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 12:02

Puds i dont want a divorce yet its all too raw for me still it would make it all too real. :( im still struggling with living without him day by day cant shift the sadness

OP posts:
CogitoErgOlympics · 28/07/2012 12:11

I know how you feel but I think you have to start getting your head around the fact that it's over. He's presumably been taking the lead up to now which is a big part why it's all so raw. None of what's happened to date has been your decision, it has all been imposed or you've been waiting for some input from him to move onto the next step.

How you'll shift the sadness - and you probably won't appreciate this just yet - is to get to the stage where you are the one taking the lead. It is extremely stressful to see a solicitor, talk about divorce and prepare for life as a single person again. But it is ultimately far less stressful if you feel that - however reluctantly - you are back in charge of your own destiny, and not at the mercy of events.

puds11 · 28/07/2012 12:19

Oh logan i really feel for you. It must be really hard! Do you have to see him much? Are you looking after yourself?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 12:24

I see him 3 times a week when he picks up our daughter . i am trying to get on with my life yes. got a childrens party to take my little girl to soon which im dreading cos all the other kids dads will be there and i know my little girl will ask where her daddy is.

OP posts:
puds11 · 28/07/2012 12:32

Could you take a friend for moral support? I tend to just because i cant handle things with lots of children so i doubt anyone would mind and it will be nice for you to have someone there.

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