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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is it unfaithful if your separated

79 replies

loganberry12 · 27/07/2012 22:55

What your opion ? My husband and i have been separated for nearly 5 months now when i said to my sister he was being unfaithful in my mind even if we were separated she said
id if your separated your free to sleep with who you want.
just wondered what others thought.
He left me and kids.

OP posts:

puds11 · 28/07/2012 12:32

How old is your DD?

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 12:35

My DD is 2 1/2

OP posts:

CogitoErgOlympics · 28/07/2012 12:37

Who agreed three times a week contact? It is very, very difficult to get on with life when the ex is hanging around like a bad smell, popping round all the time. You'll find it far easier to develop your new life if his visits are restricted to alternate weekends, for example..

And do tell your DD that Daddy lives somewhere else now. Five months is pretty permanent and it's unfair to keep her in the dark.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 12:40

I have told DD daddy lives somewhere else she has been to his flat and seen. 3 times a week is because she misses him terribly and i don't want her being upset by not seeing him. he picks her up at the doorstep and takes her for a few hours.

OP posts:

CogitoErgOlympics · 28/07/2012 12:45

Wouldn't it be better if he had her for a whole weekend but spaced them out? That would give you time to develop your social life a little, get some rest etc. He'd also be 100% responsible for the parenting for a few days rather than just dipping in at a time when it suits.

puds11 · 28/07/2012 12:46

Thats a good idea cogito

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 12:47

He won't as he works Saturdays and won't have her overnight I've suggested it says she gets bored i think he just can't handle the responsibility to be honest he's pretty useless.

OP posts:

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 12:49

Got to go out to the party now but i will check back later for all you ladies good advice

OP posts:

CogitoErgOlympics · 28/07/2012 12:49

Just strikes me that the ex in this case is living elsewhere, sleeping with others (?), enjoying the bachelor life except when he fancies playing Happy Families. Whereas the OP is a full-time single parent with no down-time, no help, no nothing... having to organise her day around his visits but otherwise sat home futilely waiting/hoping that this man will come back.

CogitoErgOlympics · 28/07/2012 12:54

He's useless, irresponsible and he refuses to look after his own child for more than a few hours because it impinges on his lifestyle a little too much and he finds it a bit difficult? Could you imagine yourself ever saying that having DD overnight was too much to handle?..... Of course he isn't mentioning divorce. It's going to cost him, he'll have to step up to the plate as a parent and it's all bit grown-up for him, isn't it?

..... Get angry OP. He's taking the piss.

tutu100 · 28/07/2012 15:31

I think at 2 1/2 short frequent visit are often better for the child. You say your dd misses her dad lots, well surely seeing him several times a week rather than every other weekend is nicer for her. Could you possible have him pick her up from a friends though so you don't have to see him if it is too hard?

I'm afraid I with the others who have said that after 5 months he's not coming back. I think he's either trying to let you down as gently as he can, or he's hoping that you will start divorce proceedings and he won't have to feel like such a bad guy.

When you seperated obviously you didn't want it, but how did he annouce he was leaving? Just wondering how remorseful he seemed. I would imagine that for whatever reason he left, he will have found it pretty hard and maybe is fooling himself by calling it a seperation rather than divorce.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 17:25

Tutu he left in the middle of the night no discussion and i couldn't contact him for 5 days. cogito yes he is useless immature idiot i know but i can't false him to have her can i. to be honest id worry about him having her overnight because a few times he's had her he hasn't changed her happy or fed her. god knows why i want him back i suppose its the rejection i can't deal either and the fact he just walked out says there's involved no ow and would rather be on his own than with his family that's what hurts.

OP posts:

Trills · 28/07/2012 17:33

It is over between you. Who he dates or sleeps with is now no longer your business. Would you really expect him (and you) to not see anyone else until the divorce was final?

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 17:38

Well im not interested in another relationship and don't think I'll be for a very long time and he told me he wanted to be on his own and doesn't want another women so why say it if he didn't mean it.

OP posts:

DiamondDoris · 28/07/2012 18:06

I don't think it is. I started a relationship when I was still married, even living in the marital home. I was upfront with then husband. We had mentally separated years before, we hadn't had a sexual relationship/or physical (cuddles etc) for years - his fault. I was starved of affection and told him if I met someone I would have a relationship. He wasn't bothered to be honest and the relationship was conducted away from family etc. I'm still with this man and am very, very happy. I wasn't looking for a relationship and was busy trying to get into comedy and organising the divorce.

tutu100 · 28/07/2012 18:13

It sounds like he's quite weak and scared of confrontation then.

I also think your confidence sounds like it has taken a great knock, but you have survived on your own and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of carrying on even though you might not feel like it.

Do you have support from family and friends? My SIL had a very horrible split from her ex last year. She did everything she needed to, but her confidence was shredded and she constantly doubted herself and her decisions. Luckily we are a pretty big family and there was always someone there to reassure her that she had done the right thing. She is now almost back to her normal self and constantly thanks us for being there for her (we didn't really do anything for her, she just needed the comfort of being told she wasn't making mistakes).

I know it is going to be really hard for you, but I think you need to formally start moving things on. This will also be a big shake up for your ex. As someone else mentioned you are entitle to a free half an hour session with a solicitor. That would be a good start. Then you can look at making formal arrangements for visitation. Does your ex pay you child maintainence?

skyebluesapphire · 28/07/2012 18:19

Logan - I totally get where you are coming from, my H walked out right out, totally out of the blue. The shock is immense. I got the "I don't love you any more" spiel.

I felt hugely rejected. He would rather be on his own than with me and our DD. that is huge. it takes some coming to terms with. He said there was nobody else but it appears there is.

I struggled so hard to accept what was happening but had no choice . I started the divorce as he wouldn't.

izzyizin · 28/07/2012 18:23

I can think of umpteen reasons why your h and countless others would say something they don't mean.

If you believe that he simply wants to be on his own and doesn't want another woman, why are you asking whether sleeping with someone else after separation is 'unfaithful'?

In asking this question it seems to me that you know that, despite what your h may be telling you, it's entirely possible that he left you in order to be free to pursue a relationship with someone else,

IMO you are best advised to establish your legal position in respect of divorce or judicial separation as soon as possible and you should bear in mind that, if he is lying to you, the chances are that he will seek to divorce you sooner or later.

Forewarned is forearmed, as they say. Make sure that you've got your ducks in a row by getting arrangements for child support/maintenance/contact/division of joint assets etc, legally drawn up.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 18:26

Csa is in process at the moment hopefully I'll get something next month as money is really tight at the moment. what do you mean by formal arrangements Tutu?

OP posts:

izzyizin · 28/07/2012 19:04

Without wishing to be presumptious, it seems to me that tutu is advising you to act on the advice I gave upthread for you to book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour consultation.

Any such consultation will not commit you to beginning divorce proceedings but it will give you an understanding of your lawful entitlements and may begin the process of legally formalising matters such as contact, child support etc.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 19:09

Thank you izzy i think I'll fine out about solicitors in my area Monday

OP posts:

izzyizin · 28/07/2012 19:31

Do you have any friends/relatives who can recommend rottweilers solicitors who specialise in divorce/family law?

If not, post on the Legal board for recommendations or give your nearest Women's Aid offices a call on Monday as they'll have a list to hand.

He's been gone 5 months now and it is time for you to take back your power and start to get in control of the situation.

As I've said, you don't have to commit to divorce but why seek to prolong what is likely to be inevitable?

It may be that receiving notification of your intention to petition for divorce will give him the wake-up call he needs, but please don't allow this thought to give you any false hope of reconciliation as it seems that his mind is made up and he doesn't intend to come back.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 19:36

I don't think he's coming back either suppose that's why I've been putting off seeing a solicitor. scared it will be so final because i know he will sign the petition :(

OP posts:

izzyizin · 28/07/2012 19:42

Think of it this way: you need to secure your legal position not just for yourself but for your dc and the sooner you do so, the better.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 28/07/2012 19:59

The thing is there's really nothing legal to secure i live in a council house which is in my name ex moved here when we got together i was already living here so my children and i have a secure home to stay. we didn't have anything in joint names and i own everything in the house all he owns is his jeep which he took with him.

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