Inappropriate Work Colleague

[FragglesRock]

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

And the thread has moved on a bit since then.

This is the best advice given. Its serious but it stopped, so come on are you all made of chocolate? Grow up people. But - make it clear that it stays stopped!

You don't need to be made of chocolate to find sexual assault unacceptable, surely? I'm curious, do you take the same approach to physical assault? If the colleague had slapped the OP around a bit without doing her a serious injury would that be OK as long as he'd stopped and didn't start again?

I don't understand what you mean mjd? I don't see why this attitude only applies to sexual offences, you wouldn't tell someone who had been stabbed that it was serious but it stopped before you were killed so you shouldn't take it seriously. That if you went to the police they would probably laugh at you and that you had to stop it fr happening again... Why tell all that to the victim of a sexual assault? I think some people have a funny definition of what constitutes aggression tbh and maybe need to read the op again. What is being described is not an ill advised pass between consenting adults it is a married man forcing himself on someone who does not want his attention when she has articulated twice she does not want it and when he has escalated his behaviour each time no matter what she was saying or doing... Really sick of this now.

It's the usual assumption that women just have to put up with men feeling them up where they don't want them to and have made that clear.

No wonder 25% of women get raped or sexually assaulted. We're basically told that unless it is a very serious sexual assault or rape, we should just STFU about it, we have no right to complain.

Is that it; chocolate meaning soft and melty? So basically thinking it is bad is weak and stupid?

I actually think it is quite strong to stand up in the face of this despicable overriding weird man hating sexual offence promoting attitude and say "this should not have happened" can't see what is strong about what argh suggested, it is weak minded, deluded and upsetting. To be honest I don't think this attitude is actually limited to sexual assaults. I've seen it applied to rapes too - don't go out alone in a short dress etc... Well you did stay late after everyone had gone...

The posts lapsus made have been the best ones on this thread. Ok fine some of you don't personally believe it is a serious thing and I'm not going to comment on why that is. Objectively speaking, outside your personal feelings, this situation falls within the ambit of the law on sexual offences, it is exceptionally clear cut as a case and based on the account (not withstanding the claims he might make) would very likely result in a conviction even though the nature of sexual offences makes it very hard to prosecute them. Therefore it really doesn't matter at all thy you personally don't feel like it is a serious thing, that's an opinion you are best keeping to yourselves given that parliament believes it is serious enough to legislate on and therefore no-one had any right to come on shouting about it not being serious.

No. Women have a right to complain about or prosecute sexual assault. Women also have a right not to go down that route, especially straightaway. And women also have a right to say what they would do in similar circumstances to the OP, even if that is not to go straight to the police station to press charges.

OP, I hope you and your DH have a good conversation about what happened this weekend, and that your conversation with work on Monday goes well. I'm leaving this thread now.

They don't have a right to tell people don't make a fuss, it isn't serious, the police will laugh at you... That's what I'm saying. Objectively it is taken seriously by the institutions in society and if people want to say they feel it isn't that is different to a lot of what has been said on this thread, a totally different thing and I wonder why here is an appropriate place to say that anyway.

I mean I also wonder why we are still even having this argument, we don't argue anymore about physical violence against women so why sexual violence? Maybe something to do with the marital defence to rape only being withdrawn in 2000?

Hello all

This seems like a good time to link (again) to our We Believe You myth-busting page (thanks to those who have already linked).

Thanks to all who have reported posts on this thread that they think should be deleted for propagating myths about sexual assault. As with our policy on rape myths, we absolutely do not tolerate out-and-out victim-blaming posts, eg "well, she was obviously asking for it" or "you were drunk, what do you expect?" - and we will delete them, as soon as we are made aware of them.

We won't though, delete posts that form part of a reasonable and valid discussion, even if those posts are made in mahoosive ignorance. So, if someone we believed to be a genuine poster came onto a thread and said, "But the thing you've described isn't sexual assault", we would rather let it stand and allow others to correct that particular myth on the thread, thereby educating others in the process.

We hope that clarifies things. We've always thought it's wrong to adopt a policy of blanket censorship (though it might be easier to implement!) Instead, we feel it's wiser to judge each post that's reported on its individual words and context, and make decisions on a post-by-post basis.

Thanks
MNHQ

Thank you Rowan.

Op, hope al is ok with DP now.

Yes, thank you for stepping in but I do wonder why someone's thread seeking advice and containing a first disclosure of a sexual assault is the right place to allow a "valid discussion" where people will be "educated". What it looks like is a bunfight which in order to "educate" other people i.e. a nice way of saying you agree they are wrong to say it is not assault and think people should set them straight, the fragile feelings of the person seeking support are sidelined and perhaps damaged. And that this process is repeated each time the op comes back to give an update or ask for more support. I just don't think that is the right way to sort out this stuff.

I have posted in site stuff btw if anyone else is interested in discussing it.

This thread is a little bit intimidating. I'm still convinced it wasn't just a drunken pass though, it just feels wrong and its still scary. A drunken pass wouldn't make me still shaken and thinking about it days later.

I barely spoke to DP yesterday, he had some pre-planned stuff. I think he's still thinking about it too though. I still sort of want to ask about his reaction but I don't think it'll help.

Work tomorrow.

Fraggles I am so sorry that you have had such ignorant responses on this thread. How about starting another entitled 'I was sexually assaulted by a work colleague'.

There has been a lot of unhelpful debate about whether this was a sexual assault. It was. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You do not have to protect this man.

What you need right now is for people to support you. Speak with your manager tomorrow and tell her that you were sexually assaulted by him.

You do not have to explain your behaviour. Just tell her that after you told him you were not interested he put his hand/s (wherever he did) on your body and that he pressed his erection against you. That's it. That's the facts.

Perhaps it would help if you got in touch with rape crisis or another similar charity that will be able to understand what you're going through and offer some advice?

Good luck and keep posting if you think it helps. You do not have to suffer in silence. You do not have to go through this alone. There is a lot of support out there x

yes it is an intimidating thread so far I think from both sides.

I think from my experience taking back some of the control and therefore power in the situation can help you move on. I'm rooting for you tomorrow and I hope it goes ok. As far as dp is concerned I think just wait and see, think about what you need from him, what you might get out of asking him what's going on.

Good luck tomorrow.

Good luck tomorrow Fraggles. As others have said be calm and professional to him but distant. Tell your boss everything that happened and hold your head up- you haven't done anything wrong.

BerylStreep, very interesting post about the colleague who made a pass, whom you later found out was a predator who had assaulted and preyed on several women.

Given the kind of unpleasant experience the OP described, I would not be at all surprised if this man was another who has tried this before, and may again. These things rarely come out of a clear blue sky: and that kind of persistent behaviour has a very different flavour from a bloke trying it on.

The fact that Fraggles is shaken rather than irritated speaks volumes.

Fraggles, just to be clear, that is not to say you have any responsibility for anything else this man may do. You don't. Please don't read that into my musings above. You must do what is right for you, and what you are comfortable with doing, for you alone.

I am just saying, your instincts are right. Wishing you strength for tomorrow.

Sorry if you're all fed up of me now!

Every time I think about going into work tomorrow I have a moment of panic. I'm going to try and go for lunch with one of the other women in the office and probably turn up a little late so I know there'll be plenty of others around when I arrive, but I really don't feel prepared to go in.

We're not fed up love, of course you're apprehensive! Totally to be expected!

It'll be ok,there's nothing that you've done to be concerned about.

Could you call one of the women to meet up before you go in?

Hi, so sorry you are going through this.

Could you ask someone to meet up with you before work? and someone to leave with you.

I would advise seeking advice from rape crisis too as they should be able to advise you on your safety at work. Womens Aid may also be able to give you some advice.

I hope things go ok at work.

I can definitely leave with someone, most days I do walk out with one of the other women who lives fairly close to me. We're walking distance from work. Not sure about going in, I could try and text someone in the morning but no idea if that'll get me anywhere.

Can rape crisis give advice on things thar aren't actually rape?

He's text me twice today, including inviting me out for a drink. I've ignored.

Today meaning Sunday, not Monday. Totally hadn't noticed it was gone midnight already.