Inappropriate Work Colleague

[FragglesRock]

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

How horrible for you, Fraggles.

See how you feel in the morning. It might not be as bad as you fear when you get there. Chances are everything will seem disconcertingly normal. But see how you feel tomorrow.

BTW you do not have to go into work, or stay there once you arrive, if you are sick and frightened. But you can choose to go, and stay, if that feels like something you can cope with.

• I don't care for him texting you like that, as if nothing had happened. :(

Yes, Rape Crisis cover all forms of sexual harassment and assault. They have a helpline though it doesn't seem to be open till midday

I don't like the texting either. I am sorry you feel so nervous I would be the same in your place.

Wishing you strength for later. Remember you are not in the wrong.

I haven't responded to the texts, stll got them on my phone though. DP thinks I should delete them.

I've been tempted to phone in sick tomorrow but I think it'll only get harder if I don't go in. The first time I see him again will be the hardest. I can see him from my desk but if I rearrange where the plant and the computer sit I might be able to block him out. And just not go to the kitchen, because that's next to his desk.

Ask to speak to yourboss ASAP, even tell her you can't go in til you meet with her. Tell her everything, show her the texts. He is now harassing you. You have the absolute right to go to work without having to worry about this.

He is really not takingno for an answer and that is worrying

kickass, you're right. What a nasty piece of work he is showing himself to be

I'm worried she's going to tell me I'm being silly.

Well the law is much more stringent in this country than it once was, and your employer is duty bound to provide an environment in which you feel free from harassment.

If your boss owns the company, she may be quite shocked and will want to consult her HR people on next steps to take. Of course I don't know what she will say, but the law is certainly on your side.

I agree with kickass, please talk to your boss, tell her what happened and show her the texts (don't delete).

OP, have you and DP talked any more about his reaction and your feelings? For whatever reason, he seems to be minimising this, maybe because he is worried about you, maybe he naturally hides fromtrouble, don't know. So he may not be giving the best opinions right now. What was his reason for saying you should delete texts?

We haven't talked any more about his reaction. He suggested I delete the texts after I'd said I was worried about going into work and wanted it to go away. I think it was meant as a way of helping. I never expected much in the way of help from him when I told him, it was more because I knew I'd want to know if it was the other way round than because he'd be particularly useful. He thinks I should just stay away from my colleague in future.

My boss is actually lovely and was great in the past when I had stuff going on that affected my work. But my colleague is incredibly popular around the office and really doesn't seem the type to do something like this.

Don't delete the texts, don't aswer them, this is really boardering on harassment.

Ask to speak to your boss first thing, do you have a friend/relative outside of work you can ask to pick you up if you need to leave?

Rape crisis or Womens Aid should be able to give you advice as this covers both areas of what's happening. Womens Aid will respond directly if your safety is compromised.

I would not discuss this with colleagues until you have spoken to your boss.

Don't delete the texts. Speak to your boss as soon as you can in the morning. Given that he is still behaving inappropriately, I would consider having a word with HR, even if you want no further action at this stage, at least it is logged.

I feel for you OP, you should not have been made to feel like this. I had a word with HR once about a colleague making racist jokes about me. My boss was angry at me for disturbing the office atmosphere but HR came through, even if he did just get a slap on the wrists. The remainder of my time there wasn't pleasant though :(. It sounds as if your boss will be more supportive though.

Good luck x

Most of my friends also work or have young DCs so probably wouldn't be able to come and get me. I don't want to tell my colleagues, its a very male office in a male dominated career path for one thing and also I just don't want everyone to know what happened.

I would want my boss to come with me if I went to HR.

Thanks everyone. Going to (try to) get some sleep now.

OP most such men don't seem the type to do this. There are hundreds of examples of eg "respectable" magistrates, doctors, lawyers etc who have harassed or assaulted women. All of those women probably felt like you, worried about what to sat, thinking that they were rocking the boat somehow.

It is not your fault. It is his fault.
We believe you.

Sleep tight, will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Wishing you all the best, do NOT delete texts, I suspect he wanted to see you today to try to find out if you are planning to report him and to try to persuade you not to, he is probably panicking, as he should be.

Think it a good idea to have someone with you as you go in and see our boss ASAP first thing, in case he tries to intercept you and causes you more distress, do speak to your boss first thing, show her texts.

You can do this, you are in the right.

your boss, sorry, we are not colleagues despite what my damned iPad thinks!

As said previously - keep all messages, emails that he sends you and any reply that you give. Write down what happened and also how it made you feel. Also write down how you feel now going into work

Thinking of you going to work today

Yes, me too. Keep the texts, thinking of you too.

Best of luck, Fraggles. Don't delete any texts.

Hopefully your boss won't make you feel uncomfortable, although at least some of the early posts on this thread will have given you a 'dry run' for some of the negative comments you could get.

I think if she does respond poorly your response can be something like: look, I'm not suggesting a serious crime was committed but it can be classed as a sexual assault, the company may have some liability, but the main thing is that I feel extremely uncomfortable about it and I want him to know he hasn't got away with it and that he should cease all contact with me. It's been logged and if it happens again, or if I hear of it happening to someone else, I will be taking it further.

I'd imagine the guy has no idea that you might report it to work, and may just think he was a bit of a dick on Friday night and wants to say sorry. You don't have to accept any apology just for the sake of a peaceful working environment. He should be ashamed.

I think the opposite actually, I think perhaps explain the law so they do actually understand the seriousness of it!

I've been following your thread Fraggles, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I hope all goes well today. As tribpot says, he should be ashamed.

what tribpot said

Stay strong, you have nothing to be ashamed or frightened of.
He on the other hand...

Keep us updated if you can

Offred - I agree, the boss needs to understand the law - not only the classification of the assault but also where the company's liability may be involved. But I don't think the OP feels a serious crime has been committed - although I'm happy to be guided by how she feels about it.

He has asked you out for a drink after all this happened?!
Agree wiht whoever said this is harrassment now. Keep the texts.

Oh and good luck for today.

Flora, can you please explain then why you asked why the op stayed? Because I can only see one possible reason.
Educate me.