Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Inappropriate Work Colleague

302 replies

FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 00:38

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/07/2012 18:54

Well done, Fraggles. I hope you feel better for confronting this rather than trying to pass it off as nothing.

orchidee · 30/07/2012 19:27

Fraggles- you've made your company aware that they're potentially at risk of a claim for sexual harrassment while this guy works for them - not necessarily from you but any female. If HR become aware of this they should take it seriously. Some in-house training or awareness initiatives may be useful for all staff.

It's rotten that this has happened to you. I know the feeling of wanting it to go away but if it were that easy to dismiss it you wouldn't have felt the need to talk about it here or in real life. I think that the best way for you to get over this is to take control, as you have done, decide what you want and let others (e.g. your boss) know. It is serious, if someone at work had threatened any other type of physical violence you wouldn't minimise it would you? Or rearrange your work situation to avoid them? The guy should feel the pain, not you.

Good luck.

orchidee · 30/07/2012 19:49

Also Fraggles, remember this wasn't a case of some guy developing feelings for a colleague and nervously trying to find out if she felt the same. All he offered was a drunken shag. And he didn't seem to care about your feelings when you tried to let him down gently. No he kept going didn't he? Please don't listen to anyone who tries to minimise or excuse this. If anyone seems to be doing so, ask if they'd mind hearing that their partner did the same and would they still feel the same? Yeah exactly! He was a git.

BerylStreep · 30/07/2012 20:15

Fraggle, how does this episode make you feel about socialising with your colleagues again?

Original poster
FragglesRock · 30/07/2012 20:49

I feel better for dealing with it. I'm glad my boss knows. I'm glad I posted here because otherwise I think I'd have just listened to DP and deleted the messages and ignored it all.

I don't feel all that confident about socialising with colleagues anymore. Or men in general, as much as I know it's this one man that's the problem not men in general it's still made me think. I need to get rid of that train of thought.

Apologies for any typos in that post. DCat wants attention and is going to great lengths to get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FragglesRock · 30/07/2012 21:09

Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Another work colleague is getting married this weekend. Colleague, his DW and my DP will all be there. I don't want to go but I've been looking forward to it for ages. That last post just reminded me.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 30/07/2012 21:20

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to freak you.

Original poster
FragglesRock · 30/07/2012 21:22

No it's okay. I'd just forgotten. It's probably good I remembered now while I'm at home with my cat to cuddle and not at work.

OP posts:
orchidee · 30/07/2012 21:36

Maybe The Git will call off. If he has any sense. [Grin]

Original poster
FragglesRock · 30/07/2012 22:01

Let's hope so! On the plus side maybe if he sees DP he'll realise I actually do have a partner and therefore he should back off. DP isn't exactly an intimdating type though. More geek than anything.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 30/07/2012 22:06

Poor you, what a shitty thing to happen and what a disgusting man. I think it's extremely likely that this man has form for sexual assault; probably not an actual criminal conviction, but he will have done it before. That's the thing, rapists and predators do it repeatedly. Are there any women on the team who are a bit, well, careful around him? A bit less friendly with him than with the other men?

Original poster
FragglesRock · 30/07/2012 22:21

I don't think any of the other women act careful around him, but then again I hadn't seen the need to even think about that kind of thing until last week. But everyone seems to really like him and think he's nice. I thought he was nice before this.

OP posts:
GhouliaYelps · 30/07/2012 23:12

I am so sorry this has happend to you and has affected your life in this way. I really hope it all works out and the disgusting man leaves you alone.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 30/07/2012 23:38

Fraggles, well done on today.

If you still want to go to the wedding, would it help to run through various scenarios in your mind and come up with answers eg if he tries to get a drink for you, say no, DH is getting me one and I have to go now to talk to X.

I do this when I'm worried about work things and it helps, different circumstances but might be useful for feeling in control of things.

SecondRow · 30/07/2012 23:54

Fraggles, hope you don't mind me jumping into the thread at this late stage. I am just wondering if you feel your boss's response - although kind - was completely adequate?

I'm slightly concerned that her offering to speak to him, but putting onto you the decision as to what should be said, comes across a little more as if she is doing you a personal favour because you are in an awkward situation, rather than very firmly expressing as his employer that the company takes an extremely dim view of harrassment and that his behaviour is under observation.

Was there any discussion about the option of going to HR together? I think that putting things on a more formal footing (even though no evidence for disciplinary action as such) would be protecting yourself from any suspicions or rumours about it taking two to tango, no smoke without fire etc.

Look after yourself and all the best.

orchidee · 31/07/2012 10:38

SecondRow- that's what I was getting at. If the company are aware of the male employee's behaviour and know the basics of employment law, they'll have to take this seriously. HR should want to know about the situation. HR will want to protect the company from expensive harassment claims (which will be more expensive if they ignore incidents known to the company.)

orchidee · 31/07/2012 10:44

Fraggles- I hope you're ok today. If you haven't done so already, you may find reading up on your rights to be helpful-

www.equalityhumanrights.com/advice-and-guidance/your-rights/gender/sex-discrimination-your-rights-at-work/sexual-harassment/sexual-harassment-what-the-law-says/

Basically, unwanted sexual attention either verbal, non-verbal or physical or working in an intimidating environment are included. Along with other things but these are points you raised yourself, so the relevant protective legislation applies. Your company have a duty to protect you. I suspect your boss just doesn't know the legal position.

Fairenuff · 31/07/2012 11:03

SecondRow I have been thinking along the same lines as you. I think he should be spoken to and that it should go down on record. He should also be told that, other than necessary work communications, he should not approach or attempt to speak to the OP.

This would mean Fraggles that you can go to the wedding safe in the knowledge that he is not going to approach you and you can enjoy yourself as if he were not there, without worry or fear.

Perhaps you could ask your boss what the normal company procedure is. It would be very difficult, imo, to carry on as normal now without that sort of 'closure'. It still leaves you in a bit of a quandry and you should not have to feel intimidated or in any way anxious about him.

The link above is really helpful.

somebloke123 · 01/08/2012 11:01

Yes tallwivglasses I can see that point. Keep all his emails and texts, make a note of conversations, but avoid committing too much to print or emails, which could then be denied.

The OP has already spoken to her boss. Hopefully the harrasser (clearly this has gone beyond an ill-judged and clumsy pass) now realises that even if it's not going to go public on this occasion, one step wrong in future and he's in trouble.

I think all this puts the OP in a quite strong position and on high ground both morally and otherwise.

Although the incident occurred out of work it was nonetheless a work-type gathering so not beyond an employer's legitimate concern or duty of care.

Fairenuff · 01/08/2012 11:20

OP how are you feeling today? Did you speak with your manager again or not. Don't forget, if you need to talk this over with trained counsellors, you can call rape crisis x

DizzyGoldBee · 01/08/2012 11:25

It was inappropriate behaviour on his part. Whenever I am at a social event and the last person goes to leave I just say "Oh, I need to make a move as well" and leave at the same time, much less embarrassing when in someone's house, especially as it may be getting late and they might be too polite to say that they want everybody to leave.
As for the suggestion about calling the police, don't waste their time IMO.

orchidee · 01/08/2012 12:49

Dizzy- have you read the thread?

Original poster
FragglesRock · 02/08/2012 20:56

Sorry to bring this thread back from the dead. My boss spoke to him on Tuesday and his desk has been moved so it's not near the kitchen anymore. He's left me alone since then and my boss has been generally lovely. I've also talked about it with my best friend so I have RL support and we've been talking through stuff. I did refuse his offer to beat my colleague up though.

Haven't spoken to DP about it again.

OP posts:
tribpot · 02/08/2012 20:57

It's good that your boss is being supportive and you're now able to be open about the situation in real life.

I do think your DP needs to pull his head out of arse, though. Have you shown him this thread?

Swipe left for the next trending thread