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Original poster

Inappropriate Work Colleague

302 replies

FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 00:38

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/07/2012 12:31

And you should understand as a practicing lawyer that the law is not always made in response to changes in society but actually often created in order to help or aid change so just because women are expected to tolerate unwanted sexual attention in society doesn't the law should actually reflect that view.

StealthPolarBear · 30/07/2012 12:32

No, to flora and offred

Offred · 30/07/2012 12:36

Because stealth I'm being told by MN that the reason they are not intervening is because they expect MN posters to have a "valid discussion" and "educate others" that they have no intention of censoring victim blaming unless it is overtly blaming the victim and that they, as I interpret it, expect MNs to sort that out between themselves. So I'm left in a quandary where someone is saying on the site stuff thread to "be the change you want to see" and effectively not leave things unchallenged for others to see and the support that the op might get.

Also because I feel like I am being passively aggressively undermined by the attempts to tell me I am projecting in a veiled way.

Offred · 30/07/2012 12:39

And tbh I think leaving the victim blaming here unchallenged (as you started to say) actually undermines the support.

StealthPolarBear · 30/07/2012 12:39

Yes you are. It's along the lines of calling you a bit hysterical.

StealthPolarBear · 30/07/2012 12:40

Sorry xpost. That was in response to the last line or 2 of your 12.36 post

MrsMangoBiscuit · 30/07/2012 12:46

I hope you're ok Fraggles. Still thinking of you. :)

NaturalWinningNaturesTeamGB · 30/07/2012 12:47

Flora, so as to allow the OP the space she has asked for I do suggest you start your own thread to discuss this matter as you are projecting dangerous personal and political opinions of your own. I can see why you left law.

OP I hope you are ok.

Offred · 30/07/2012 12:49

Yes, I just think if flora thinks I am projecting it is manipulative to not just say that and instead to do all kinds of implying.

I do not believe I am projecting btw. I am not really a person prone to it. I'm emotionally involved which is not the same thing.

Fairenuff · 30/07/2012 12:50

Offred I have found your posts to be well reasoned and don't for one moment believe that you are being hysterical or that your past experiences (of which I know nothing btw) are interferring with your ability to have a measured debate.

Flora I personally think if you cannot be supportive to the OP it would be more appropriate to start a new thread to debate the issues you have raised. You could then be as insensitive as you like because it would not be so personal to Fraggles.

Offred · 30/07/2012 12:54

I am sorry, I will try to step away now and hide the thread.

Offred · 30/07/2012 12:55

If it is making it worse that is, seriously don't know what to do for the best in this situation, really don't.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 30/07/2012 12:56

I am interested to know what the ages are of fraggle and this bloke. Out of curiosity. I expect he's older than fraggle. I am waiting with interest also, to see what your boss has said to you fraggle.

I was in a very similar situation when I was 26, with my then-boss at work. He was 20yrs older.

Looking back I should have sued him for harassment. It all ended bloodily and badly. For me though, much more for him.

There are significant things in your post - you stayed with him to finish a work-related convo and you told him to stop. You have also been anxious about going back into work, and he has sent you further texts.

I expect this man has Form. I expect you are not the first and you will not be the last. I loathe men like this. Predators.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 30/07/2012 13:18

I meant not for him

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 30/07/2012 14:59

Flora, I completely disagree with your long post about infantilising women etc.

Op, I hope it went ok today.

GoodHeavensMrsEvans · 30/07/2012 15:23

OP I hope it went okay with your boss. You are being very brave and sensible.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 30/07/2012 15:52

Flora, please leave it to another thread.

OP here for you, hope meeting with boss was helpful.

BerylStreep · 30/07/2012 15:53

Hey Fraggle, I hope it went well with your boss today.

I may be wrong, but I suspect that your colleague will attempt one of 2 stances.

  1. He will completely deny it happened. Treating you completely normally today is an attempt to demonstrate to others that it didn't happen. It is also makes you start to wonder if you imagined it, or exaggerated it in your mind.
  1. He will claim that something did happen, but that it was consensual (or that you initiated it). This would explain asking you out for a drink - to demonstrate that it is a 'relationship' rather than a sexual assault.

He will be shitting himself, and expect him to be nasty about this if he is confronted about it. He has jeopardised a lot by his actions. This could not only impact on his job, but also his home-life.

The text messages smack of harassment, although am I right in saying you e-mailed him saying his behaviour was inappropriate? Was this to his work account? If so, he may not have seen the e-mail until today if he was off on Friday?

This man has made you feel fearful of going into work. You are seriously contemplating not going to the kitchen in order to avoid him, and moving plants on your desk! HE has made you feel that way. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to let my guard down unless I got either a sincere apology from him, with an undertaking that it would never happen again, or some intervention from HR / line manager.

I think you need to think about what you want.

Sorry you are going through this. Sexual harassment is insidious and shit.

BerylStreep · 30/07/2012 15:56

Have just reread my post - I didn't mean to say that his text messages to you were ok in the absence of you saying otherwise - just that he may not have seen your e-mail explicitly saying his behaviour was inappropriate.

Not that you should have had to explicitly say his behaviour was inappropriate.

I am doing a really bad job of explaining it - just ignore my post.

ladyWordy · 30/07/2012 16:15

UnlikelyAmazonian, yes, he's older according to OP. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Hindsight is a painful thing; you can only ever do what seems right at the time, and you did nothing wrong.

Would agree with you that this one probably has form. The more we hear the more likely that seems. Mr Popular at the office, doesn't take no for an answer? Ack.

....Thinking of you, Fraggles, you are being very brave and showing a lot of dignity.

StealthPolarBear · 30/07/2012 17:07

how did it go OP?

Original poster
FragglesRock · 30/07/2012 18:03

It went okay with my boss. I told her what I'd put on here. I think she understood why I'm concerned and we've got a plan which means I won't have to work with him on any projects and for the next few weeks she won't mind if I come in late, leave early or work from home as long as I get at least some stuff done. She asked if I wanted her to have a word with him; I'm not sure if I do. He's very obviously left me along ever since he saw me walk into the boss's office and he knows I was planning to see her about it. I told him that in the email. I was out of the office most of the afternoon though. My boss has said I can give her an answer tomorrow on whether or not I want her to have a word with him, and what if anything I want her to say.

I want it over but also I don't want it to happen again.

BerylStreep I put a read reciept on the email I sent to him, so I know he'd read it before this morning.

UnlikelyAmazonian I'm 22, he's a little older than my DP (33) so probably around 34/35

Everyone else Thank you.

OP posts:
GoodHeavensMrsEvans · 30/07/2012 18:09

Oh well done Fraggles you have handled this with courage, dignity and lots of class.

Fairenuff · 30/07/2012 18:33

So glad to hear your boss was understanding and supportive. It's up to you what you want to do next.

Personally, I would want her to speak to him. It would make him realise that he cannot behave like that and expect to get away with it.

But if you want to leave things as they are, that is fine, of course.

Piffpaffpommelhorse · 30/07/2012 18:51

I would suggest your boss says nothing to him. As it stands, he knows you've been to see her but he doesn't know what was said, or what further action was agreed. Leave him to sweat. If she speaks to him, it gives him a platform to put across 'his' story. As it stands, he can't say anything without admitting what he did IYSWIM?

Keep the texts and your email so you have your evidence should you need it. It might also be worth summarising your chat with your boss in an email so there is a documented record of it should you need it.

Best wishes to you, what a horrible experience for you.