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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck shit...help me now

31 replies

ConfusedGirlSuze · 26/07/2012 18:24

Ok - need to be quick.

Boyf likes porn.

We made a deal - no problem with me he could do it as long as I wasn't in the house.

Found out he's was doing it the other night wile I've been cooking his dinner :(

Feel sick - more about the lie than the porn.

Found out through snooping - want to confront him but don't want him to him to know I was looking - how can I confront without admitting?

Please help me - shall I just leave and go to my mums's - Please please help me :(

OP posts:
MamaMumra · 26/07/2012 18:25

Normal porn?

AThingInYourLife · 26/07/2012 18:26

Get a better boyf?

Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 26/07/2012 18:26

Yes - normal. He's likes 'very curvy' girls x

OP posts:
MamaMumra · 26/07/2012 18:27

Don't leave just because of this but it depends on the context really. Do you think he obsessively wanks? You could end up really embarrassing him and it's quite a private thing.
Can you talk about why you are upset about it in an open and non judgemental way?

Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 26/07/2012 18:29

The thing is I don't think he was wanking. I wouldn't have - I was in and out the sitting room. I think he ws just 'looking' - I dont know if that makes it better or worse. I all mixed up. I want my Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 26/07/2012 18:29

Hw wouldn't have *

OP posts:
Adviceinscotland · 26/07/2012 18:31

I really don't see the big deal, as long as its nothing illegal then surely he can watch what he wants in his own house.

Please do not make a huge deal of this to other people and totally embarrass him over something that is completely normal.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 26/07/2012 18:32

There is nothing wrong with watching porn. Maybe You should try watching it with him?

Devastatedgiraffe · 26/07/2012 18:33

Be open with him and let him know you know. I Havnt got a problem with porn, it's just I have learned the hard way that by making it appear filthy, my husband hid it and it them became something else. There realy is no need to go to mums, this doesn't have to be such an issue. What is it you don't like about porn? Ask him why he felt the need to go on it, while you were cooking? When did you make the deal? Was this a one off, or did he never give it up?

Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 26/07/2012 18:33

But I specifially said not when I'm in the house - I think that's fair. So what am I to him? ayounger version of his mum - to cook and clean and then - just like he did when he was 14 he'll wank/look at women when I'm not in the room?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 26/07/2012 18:34

He won't Angel - have already suggested x

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 26/07/2012 18:35

I think this had less to do with the porn and more to do with him not respecting your wishes.

Adviceinscotland · 26/07/2012 18:35

If you told me what to do in my house I would happily drive you to your mums and leave you there.

You sound very immature.

Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 26/07/2012 18:36

I hate the secrets - my dad did it to my mum throughout their whole marriage and I hate it - physically makes me want to vomit x

OP posts:
izzyizin · 26/07/2012 18:36

That'd be enough to put me off the food I'd lovingly cooked for him. I'm surprised you didn't upend a pot on his lap head.

It seems he's got a short memory and you need to sit down with him and reiterate the rules - maybe laminate them and superglue them to his computer/phone or whatever he uses to access the net?

MamaMumra · 26/07/2012 18:36

It would embarrass him if you kicked off about it - even humiliate him a bit. Do you live together ?

Think about why you feel so icky that you were in the house. When I first realised DH looked at porn I think I over reacted and made him feel like shit, so he deleted his searches etc.
Talk to him when you've calmed down but snooping can damage trust too.
Do you mind me asking how old you are?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/07/2012 18:37

I don't see how you can stipulate really. You don't have a problem with porn; many women do. Either you tolerate it or you don't. You can't really dictate outside those terms. He has very little respect for you clearly.

Is it your home or his? Obviously, if it's yours, don't go to your mothers - get him to leave.

orchidee · 26/07/2012 18:41

So you made an agreement which he has broken. And you are upset. It doesn't matter if other people wouldn't mind about the porn, you do and you told him you would, and so made an agreement about it.

I thi.k in the circumstances you can be honest and tell him you know. You're likely behaving differently anyway. Has he asked what's bothering you?

MamaMumra · 26/07/2012 18:48

Ok so he has broken an agreement (though it seems an unfair and personal thing to stipulate, and I wonder why he felt he had to agree), but please don't feel that it's ok to embarrass, humiliate or berate him for doing what he did.
Maybe he should never have agreed?

MamaMumra · 26/07/2012 18:51

But I get you are in shock and upset and we don't know the context.
I didnt mean to sound harsh - just have memories of giving DH a really hard time and he thought he was doing something wrong, bless him. I am projecting now and I dont want that, so talk to him Brew

SoDesperate · 26/07/2012 18:53

Well I think he has completely ignored your wishes and lets face it, if he really needs to access porn that badly, I would leave him to it!

Inyourhippyhat · 26/07/2012 18:54

What I think about porn has no bearing on this. If you become this upset he may agree (again) to stop but not do so because the thought he might be discovered could make looking at the porn more exciting for him.

Perhaps you do need to find someone else with whom you can trust and feel happy. Sorry.

SoDesperate · 26/07/2012 18:54

Yuck... viewing porn while waiting for his dinner?

Portofino · 26/07/2012 18:56

Agree that he really feels the need to disrepect your wishes then you need a better boyfriend.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 26/07/2012 19:05

For me, there are two issues here...

1: Complete disrespect. He doesn't respect you at all - he's totally ignored the agreement you had about viewing porn while you were in the house, he's lying about it ... how can you trust him about other things?

2: There is just something completely shitty about the fact that you are cooking dinner for him and instead of chatting to you or doing something around the house that needs doing or whatever, he's getting his rocks off over another woman? (I suppose this is a non issue if you are happy to do the cooking & he does other stuff - but NOT if you are running around like a mad thing cooking, cleaning etc and he's just pissing about on the computer - porn or not).

You sound young, it doesn't sound like you've been together very long... I think you need to give it all some serious thought and remember, you have as much chance of changing another person as you do of changing the weather s