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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Text message

101 replies

BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 06:14

Can the following text message (on H's
Phone) ever have an innocent explanation?:
"you choose... You either get me all day and night, or you go on your girls' holiday...."

He is saying she is only a work colleague (I actually
know her and her reputation, which is terrible) and that it's a reference to "joking" about asking her to change her flight for a night out with him and other people too. She did change the flight and replied to him "you better show me
A good time" to which he replied "no way!!!!! ARE YOU SURE?!?!? Either way, you rock xxx"

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 22/07/2012 06:19

No I don't think it can possibly have an innocent explanation.

Jesus. Are you ok? When did you find it? Presumably you've been suspicious if you're checking his texts? What do you want to do? Does he has form for cheating? What is your relationship like?

My advice with these things is always to snoop further and get more evidence before confronting him as he will deny everything, explain it away, tell you you are being paranoid or go on the attack pretending to be outraged you snooped on him. He will delete all messages and incriminating evidence then you'll never know. I'd wait til I knew more and decide what to do with that information.

Others will totally disagree with this and say if you don't trust him then that's all you need to know.

Really sorry, how absolutely horrible for you x

Proudnscary · 22/07/2012 06:20

Sorry just reread your OP and see you have already confronted him. So he denied and minimised?

MyLittleFluffball · 22/07/2012 06:21

I don't think so. Regardless of whatever he says, the tone is totally inappropriate.

Original poster

BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 06:24

Yes he denied and minimized - said he would get her to write me a letter and that I'm paranoid. He keeps saying he hasnt done anything with her as though that's the only issue - doesn't understand that the texts imply they were building up to it. The night in question I am away in Spain, and he told me he would be staying in, so he lied.
I made him give me his blackberry so I could see that too - he pretended there were no messages on there but I found them. There was an exchange where he asked her "who is your perfect man?" and she replied "can I clone you?!"

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 22/07/2012 06:29

He is lying through his teeth. You know this and he knows this. He is either shagging her or they were building up to it. There is NO other explanation.

Has he got previous form, love?

worrywortisworrying · 22/07/2012 06:31

The fact that you are away, he lied about his plans, his plan to make you look stupid (by having her write a letter, which is making me cringe), he lied about the texts.... Whatever has happened physically, it's a totally inappropriate relationship.

Has he told you who the 'others' are? I'm putting money on 'no'.

Sorry

Original poster

BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 06:38

I know the others - they all work together and I used to work in the same industry, so I know them too. That part is true, although it makes little difference!!
From the lengthy Bloomberg chat that I read, they haven't done anything yet - but he tells her about his nights out with the boys, what time
he gets home and then she replies that he needs to "man
Up" to go out with her and stay out later. All flirty
and horrible and totally unprofessional.
I feel sick - we have a little boy and I don't
Know what to do.
He doesn't have form that I'm aware of, apart from
Other flirty emails with a girl from work before
We were married.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 22/07/2012 06:41

I'm sorry you feel so shit

What is your relationship like generally?

worrywortisworrying · 22/07/2012 06:48

Sorry, I misunderstood... When you said he was staying in on the night in question, I thought that meant you didn't believe about the night out.

I don't know what you should do, but I'm here to listen.

worriedwretch · 22/07/2012 07:00

I agree. Not acceptable to be sending messages like that to a woman if you are in a relationship. Equally if that's some one you work with your stomping on very thin ice.

OP I'm really sorry - what a toad

Is there a chance there could have been more messages that he thought he had deleted, but you only found them?

I would be flipping out at him right now. But that's not always cool.

cupcake78 · 22/07/2012 07:21

It all sounds horribly familiar. Lies lies lies... Never good and always means a guilty conscience.

Your not paranoid, he's trying to make you feel bad for looking. Don't feel bad!

As for her .

Your dh needs to be given a serious shake up. Put the fear of god into him, don't let him walk over you. The way he's behaving will never be ok

Original poster

BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 07:50

He doesn't even accept he's done anything wrong. I wasn't aware we had the kind of marriage where outrageous flirting was acceptable, whether it was going to lead anywhere physical or not. There have always been rumors about this girl with many married men - he knows that too.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 22/07/2012 07:56

Of course he knows he's done something wrong. He is minimising and blaming you so that you are in the wrong - absolutely classic behaviour. Don't let him do that.

Would he say it was nothing if he found similar texts between you and another man? Ask him that.

I think you need to get very tough, very quickly.

Tell him he's talking bullshit, you are on to him, you are not stupid, he has done something wrong and state very clearly what your boundaries are. One of which is no text or email flirting with other women. Try to remain icy calm and resolute. Make him know you mean business and that you not buying his explanation.

If he does not take that seriously then you have some hard thinking to do because it means he doesn't care how you feel. And that he will continue to be unfaithful.

ella47 · 22/07/2012 08:02

So what does he say they were going to do ALL day and ALL night if it's all innocent joking around then? Put up shelves? I believe him about the night out but it's what he (or rather they) was going to be doing before and after, seeing as you're away that would sicken me. You're well within your rights to at the very least demand total honesty about what's been going on and keep asking until you're satisfied.

Original poster

BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 08:08

He says they were going to be drinking and watching the Olympic opening ceremony in a bar somewhere. The reference to "all night" is apparently because he always goes home early so he has promised he would stay out late if she cancelled her flight (I still don't understand why anyone would ever do this for a client!!!!)

He is defending himself and laughing at me even though I've told him this is marriage wrecking behavior and that he has disgusted me. The worst thing is that I used to do her job, and the only person I ever had that type of flirty conversation with was him - the man I married.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 22/07/2012 08:09

What sticks out for me is the "[he says] I'm paranoid" bit.

Even if there was nothing going on at all, if their relationship was entirely innocent, being suspicious of those messages is NOT paranoid.

Paranoid would be "that woman you work with didn't seem all that friendly to me, are you having an affair?"

Asking "what's a text message reading you choose... You either get me all day and night, or you go on your girls' holiday.... all about?" is NOT paranoid. It is a perfectly reasonable request by a wife for an explanation of some very inappropriate exchanges between her husband and a female colleague.

The fact that he is trying to call you paranoid speaks volumes.

Jemma1111 · 22/07/2012 08:31

So, you've rumbled him and the fact that he's either already shagging her or is about to and all he can do is laugh at you . He's not even feeling the slightest bit guilty !

What a bastard , I know what I'd do with him , I'd let his trollop have him

ella47 · 22/07/2012 08:36

If he was squeaky clean in all other aspects I might buy the 'watching Olympics and out drinking later' but the fact he lied about it, specifically said he was staying in (he could have said he was going out with the group and not mentioned her after all) AND is now laughing at you when you're talking about how serious you're taking this would be enough red flags for me to patrol a beach with. Even IF he hasn't done anything wrong (and neither has the flying pig he rode in on) then showing such little respect for you is a massive problem IMO in itself.

ScrambledSmegs · 22/07/2012 08:40

Laughing at you?! . That shows a fundamental lack of respect for you.

You know, a decent person would be doing everything in their power to reassure their partner that they loved them, it was just a stupid flirtation that never went further, they'll never do it again. Not trying to minimise and deflect. I'm so sorry, it looks pretty bad. Even if he hasn't done anything, he was planning to

ScrambledSmegs · 22/07/2012 08:41

PS Actually a decent married person wouldn't flirt with a colleague like that. But you know what I mean, I hope.

Jemma1111 · 22/07/2012 08:52

When is this 'night out ' supposed to be happening ?
Is it on the weekend ? As your H has told her she can have him all day aswell as night , what does he mean by that ?

Something is definitely going on .

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2012 09:07

Am sorry you are going through this.

He is conducting an emotional affair with this work colleague; the boundaries of any professional relationship now have been well and truly trampled on by both of them.

He is not taking any responsibility for his actions here and is showing no remorse either. He is trashing and disrespecting both you and your marriage by acting as he is. Calling you paranoid and laughing at you are red flags.

Original poster

BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 09:11

Tell me if I will regret this, but would it be stupid to send her a direct message saying I hear she has cancelled a flight to spend next Friday with my husband (I do know her), and that I wondered where her professional boundaries were? I want to punish her but I am aware that I am feeling angry and possibly irrational.

OP posts:

cupcake78 · 22/07/2012 09:14

I can see the temptation. What do you want to get from doing it? If she has the reputation she does I doubt it will make much difference.

What job does she do? Would it be classed as unethical?

ScrambledSmegs · 22/07/2012 09:14

Yes, it would be stupid and you will regret it. I doubt she would care anyway, if she is deserving of her reputation.

And I expect your H and her would get a nice laugh out of the message too .

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