Just a quick update to explain something about the blackberry. it didn't contain text messages - it was used for bloomberg chat (something that can't be deleted due to banking regs!) - i knew this, so he also knew i would have access to an entire history of 'chat' with her. In the end, he agreed to hand it over and let me lock myself in the loo with it. Unlike a list of doctored text messages, it was full disclosure. it contained many messages that I didn't like (basically flirty stuff, showing off about hangovers etc and her asking him to set her up on dates with his mates), but it also gave me a context for the other discussion about the cancelled flight. She told him about the flight about a week ago - said it was booked on the evening of a day that they had a meeting together (other people there too), and asked 'are you going to bail at 7pm or are you up for a proper night out? if the latter, then i'll move my flight'
He had replied incredulously saying 'you can't do that - this is your girls holiday? as much as i'd love to have a proper all day session with you!'
She then needed to leave the office, and so the conversation had moved to text, hence the text messages I found where he promised he'd be out for a full night instead of going home.
Further context is that his job involves lots of nights out, and he HAS mentioned her name as someone he goes out with/ has meetings with (I know her), as well as many other names.
His tone changed entirely after I read the messages and he could see I'd become a bit calmer with him. He was sorry - very sorry. Said he could see how inappropriate it sounded.
Basically, it gave me the context that she's a big drinker, pretty much obsessed with making people drink with her (horrible) and that he rises to this by making himself sound like someone who is 'fun' too.
it's wrong and i'm not making excuses for him, and he knows what it looked like. But i actually believe that I got the wrong end of the stick. Admittedly the wrong end of a generally bad stick though. He knows he needs to stop talking to her/any woman in that manner, and his promises have been sincere rather than flippant. To be fair, he was telling me I was paranoid when I was in the middle of spectacularly losing it with him.
Sounds like backtracking maybe, but there's one other thing that reassured me. I made him text her while I sat next to him last night to say he couldn't go any more because he needed to see a mate, and she replied pretty annoyed. I pressed it further - told him to ask why she was so annoyed (if an affair, then surely she'd say something revealing?) and she replied 'because I changed my flight you moron? isn't it obvious??' I'd been with him the entire time- no way he could have warned her. And also, she was REALLY annoyed in her responses - about the cost of changing the flight, not about not seeing him.
Interested to hear thoughts though!