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Original poster

Text message

101 replies

BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 06:14

Can the following text message (on H's
Phone) ever have an innocent explanation?:
"you choose... You either get me all day and night, or you go on your girls' holiday...."

He is saying she is only a work colleague (I actually
know her and her reputation, which is terrible) and that it's a reference to "joking" about asking her to change her flight for a night out with him and other people too. She did change the flight and replied to him "you better show me
A good time" to which he replied "no way!!!!! ARE YOU SURE?!?!? Either way, you rock xxx"

OP posts:
pictish · 22/07/2012 09:17

I am totally with you on ALL of this OP! He's planning to cheat...I'm sure of it...and I find the fact that he is trying to laugh it all off as your paranoia, absolutely awful.....BUT I would not give HER the time of day.
She owes you NOTHING...no explanation, nothing....the fault here lies with your lying, piss taking, feckless husband.
Don't give her the satisfaction of a drama to star in ffs.

Just quietly, but efficiently take HIM down.

Original poster
BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 09:18

They both work in banking. He is her client. I would only hope to achieve bursting her bubble so that she's no longer getting off on secrecy, thinking she flirts and drinks all night with my husband while I play the good little wife at home. I could actually make the message friendly. God knows why I'm focusing on this right now instead of facing up to the mess.

OP posts:
Nobhead · 22/07/2012 09:19

No OP, don't send her anything- your issue is with your DH, I'd be having a very serious conversation with him about boundries, trust and what is and isn't appropriate and that you don't believe his bullshit story. If he gives a shit about you, if he is sorry and there is genuinely nothing going on then he will do everything to repair the damage he has caused.
If you send it to her you will be labelled as the "irrational bunny boiler wife" and your DH will just again minimise this and turn it around on you saying how mortifying it is that you contacted her and you have embarresed him.

stargazy · 22/07/2012 09:21

Even if it's all talk and innuendo at this stage it is massively innapropriate and disrespectful to you.Anything less than sincere remorse from your DH and a cessation of this kind of behaviour should be the only acceptable response from him ,and you shouldn't accept any less.
Had a similar experience 2 years ago but my DH took full responsibility and never tried to blame me,make me feel paranoid.He did try to minimise amount of contact,texting etc. when he was in the initial shock of discovery and terrified he would lose me.But I made it perfectly clear anything less than total honesty,cutting all contact with OW
and absolutely no flirting on that scale EVER again would do for me to stay in our marriage.
IF your DH doesn't get that message he doesn't deserve you.

cupcake78 · 22/07/2012 09:22

There are more problems with doing it than not.

They will have something to laugh about together.
Your making it more 'interesting' for her.
All your energy should go on taking down your H (very well said).

He's being a total shit

Original poster
BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 09:24

Ok, I can see that... He would definitely turn it round. I won't do it then. I've tried this morning (I was up at 5am having not slept) to tell him that he's crossed a line that I thought we both agreed on, and he looked me in the face and said "you've totally taken those messages the wrong way - I am allowed to speak to other females" etc - it's infuriating that he is deliberately misunderstanding the issue. I've always known he speaks to her and I (obviously) would never tell him he cant. I know he will twist this forever.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/07/2012 09:26

You see - I think the fact that he laughed at you totally cements his guilt. A person who was genuinely being wrongly accused would be sorry. Sorry for upsetting you, sorry for being so stupid as to behave in such a way as to raise suspicion, sorry for all iof it....not trying to attribute it to their spouse's stupidity and paranoia!

He is at it!

pictish · 22/07/2012 09:27

I'm not sure he has done anything yet btw - but it certainly wasn't off the cards was it?

cupcake78 · 22/07/2012 09:28

He's putting it all on to you! Don't take it!

Your not taking the messages the wrong way, hes up to no good and he's trying to make you feel like its your fault.

He's been sending inappropriate texts to a female collegue who is reciprocating and they have been making plans to spend time together while your away and he has told you he was staying in. Those are the facts, he's playing mind games.

Houseofplain · 22/07/2012 09:30

So what are you going to do? He's cheating, laughing at you, mocking you, lying, calling you paranoid and broken your boundaries.

So where are the consequences, does he even care? What are you going to do? Your problem is with him btw not her.

pictish · 22/07/2012 09:30

You are not taking anything the wrong way...and don't you let him tell you that you are!
He's deflecting deflecting deflecting....but he's as guilty as sin!!!

Nobhead · 22/07/2012 09:32

Tell him that it's the content of the messages that is absolutely inappropriate and you won't be convinced otherwise so he can save his energy. Tell him you want the absolute truth about how far this has gone and if you find out any different then your marriage is over- no excuses, no minimising- finished!
Be strong don't let him tell you that you are over reacting or being ridiculous, you deserve better.
Is there anyone you are still in contact with from work that would rat on him if you asked them to? Could you invite one of them to lunch and ask some questions? Could you set up a couple of secret video cameras "James Bond stylee" in your house? I think you can pick them up on ebay or Amazon and set them up for when you go away in case they come back to your house whilst you are away? I know someone who put a camera in a teddy bear in her gran's house as they suspected her carer of robbing her- sure enough they caught her in the act.

ifeelloved · 22/07/2012 09:33

If this all innocent (on his part) then he has taken the messages completely the wrong way. She has form and her intentions are clear. Do not let him fob you off. If he has no intention of doing anything he would see how upset you are and do everything in his power to reassure you.

Sorry you're going through this.

Badvoc · 22/07/2012 09:33

:(
You arent paranoid

Original poster
BananaMuffin · 22/07/2012 09:41

Thank you for the advice. I am going to speak to him and also say that I need to see his blackberry properly (he snatched it back off me) and be allowed to read everything between the two of them (there were days worth of messages), and that if he tells me I can't or deletes them, I will take it as evidence of his guilt.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 22/07/2012 09:42

You need to take her out of the equation.

Your problem is not her, or her reputation or what she chooses to do and with whom.

Your problem is the lowlife shit you are sadly married to.

I know you do see that, but please make sure that your justifiable anger is directed at the right person- him.

Bucharest · 22/07/2012 09:43

He will have already wiped his BB. Or have bought another phone. Because he knows he's been rumbled.

I am betting this night out gets "cancelled" (ie rescheduled) as well.

pictish · 22/07/2012 09:44

He'll have deleted the LOT by now.

cupcake78 · 22/07/2012 09:44

I'd be tempted to see an itemised phone bill as well. Look for other messaging apps as well such as vibe, watsup, Skype etc.

cupcake78 · 22/07/2012 09:46

You can set up a spying system on a phone to monitor deleted texts etc. google it 'spybubble' I think

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/07/2012 09:50

Check his mobile bills.

Check his laptop for deleted emails/internet history etc.

He is cheating and is making it worse by laughing, calling you paranoid etc.

He needs to feel the consequences otherwise it won't stop - I am afraid it means you have to be prepared to tell him its over, not easy I know Sad

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/07/2012 09:51

LOSS is the only thing that will motivate cheaters - if he knows he has lost you, his home comforts and family life and has to work hard to win you back then he is more likely to value you.

sternface · 22/07/2012 10:26

Your posts reveal a lot about your relationship OP.

For starters, while you're in Spain it's obvious that your husband wasn't going to look after his own child. If you tell us that you made other childcare arrangements because he can't cope on his own, that will tell us a lot about the expectations you both have of eachother. If he went away, would someone else look after the DC other than you?

It is blatantly obvious that he intended to have sex with this woman while you were away and that this is at the least an emotional affair.

But his reaction to you speaks volumes. He doesn't respect you and is treating you like a complete idiot. Her messages also reveal a lot. He's obviously been telling her that you've got him on some ball and chain, hence her pathetic message about him 'manning up'. If she's stupid and women-hating enough to conjoin in that sort of story, that's her own look-out. But she got permission to do that from him and his portrayal of you and your marriage.

My advice is to tell him your relationship is over, that you're not stupid and that his response to being caught has been the death knell to your respect for him.

If you overlook this or allow yourself to be manipulated, you will only have yourself to blame. His behaviour and treatment of you will get worse and any tiny bit of respect for you will vanish, because he'll correctly assume you'll put up with anything so as not to rock the boat.

Xales · 22/07/2012 10:46

Nice man you have there laughing at your upset and distress that has been caused by his actions Sad He doesn't actually give a shit about how upset you are.

Seriously you would think that any person about to set out and cheat or who was cheating would steer away from the words you are paranoid haven't they learnt better yet?

If he doesn't admit to anything you have to decide if you are going to stay with a man who is arranging to cheat behind your back and does care about your feelings and will do it if you just roll over or if you are better out of there.

Good luck.

Xales · 22/07/2012 10:47

*doesn't care about your feelings