How can I stop the tears and pain?

[Allalonenow]

Last September I discovered that DP of 30 years had been having an affair for 18 months. He said he did not see it working as a long term relationship, later I found out this was due to her being bi polar, he is 66, she 43. She lives in the French town where we had recently bought a house to retire to.

He asked me to wait, to give him some time to get her out of his system, and I agreed to that.

In early December he told me it was all over between them, and has continued to assure me that he was not seeing her. He still felt distant from me though, and some of his behaviour did not seem quite right.

At the end of May he suggested that we had what we both hoped would be a honeymoon to get to know each other again, and to rebuild what I always thought had been a totally happy relationship. We seemed to become much more close and intimate, but by chance I found proof that the affair was ongoing.

When confronted, he admitted this was so, but said he had definitely ended it a few weeks previously. I found out later that she had left him for someone else. He begged me to help him through such difficult times for us both.

Within the last few days he has left for France, without a word to me, and I hear from friends that he has won her back. He does not answer any phone or email.

I feel as though my heart is breaking, I can't stop crying, I can't sleep or eat. To read this, I sound so stupid, but he is the man I have loved and trusted for half my life. He is my best friend, my soulmate, I miss him so much I ache, I don't think I can face the rest of my life alone.

I keep going over and over times when I could have made different decisions that might have meant I could have saved my relationship, and had the happy life with him I have worked so hard for. But now someone else will have that life.

I've not posted here before, but been reading for a while. So many of you seem strong and brave, and that is what I need to be but am not. I long for peace and calm, but only have chaos and fear and turmoil.

After 30 years of a relationship you'd always regarded as happy and fulfilling, I understand why you felt it was the right thing to give this time to resolve itself. I imagine you told yourself that because this woman had mental health issues and her own troubles, he would 'come to his senses' once the infatuation had burnt out.

But this never really works and there is only one thing now that could work.

That is to tell him that your relationship is over, that he's lost you for good and that you will be moving on with your life.

Even if you don't mean it right now.

The only thing that motivates people in your partner's position is loss and you've seen that most painfully, when you look at the extraordinary efforts he has made to woo the OW back.

Start getting some legal advice about the sale and division of jointly owned assets and protect yourself financially, especially as you are not married. Start confiding in others now because this will help you with the pain and confusion.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

Thank you for your reply Charbon,
you are right about why, at the beginning, I decided to give him the time and space he asked for, and at that point he seemed so sure that it would be short lived. At that time I did not know she was bi polar, though when I met her I thought she was very volatile.

When I have tried to discuss joint assets etc recently, the moment he hears something he does not like, he ends the conversation by storming out, on one occasion driving straight to the ferry.

I don't really have any one in RL to confide in, but it is helping me to gather my thoughts to write here. I feel as though I have been living in a horrible limbo for some months.

"I keep going over and over times when I could have made different decisions that might have meant I could have saved my relationship, and had the happy life with him I have worked so hard for. "

It was never your decision. That's what's so cruel about these situations. Your life in their hands... literally. The longer you're with someone and the closer you think you are to them, the greater their capacity to shock and hurt you. I've seen too many 'soul mates' turn out to be anything but to be surprised any more.

The only way you gain even a scintilla of control & self-respect back is to take the initiative. You can't switch off the loving feelings the way he clearly has but you can stop waiting for him to make his mind up if you're worth it and start the separation process. I would suggest seeing a solicitor even though you'd probably regard that as the final death knell.

Good luck

I've been there, and the very best thing to do is tell him ok, that's fine, and move on with your life. He'll either be so put out that you aren't bothered that he'll come running back, or he'll stay where he is because he was going to whatever, and you'll have saved yourself no end of upset and stress.

I'd bet any money that after a couple of months of living with a volatile unstable new partner, the affair will begin to lose its shine and he will start hankering after what he has thrown away with you. Whether you want to take him back at that point is another matter.

...had the happy life with him I have worked so hard for. But now someone else will have that life.

Hi allalonenow
So sorry to hear what you are going through. The sentence I've copied above jumped out at me when I read your post. I can't imagine that someone else will have a happy life with him. He has let you down, lied to you repeatedly, cheated on you and he sounds very confused. He is also now avoiding facing up to what he has done by avoiding you which is cowardly and selfish.

The OW has bipolar disorder (not easy to live with, I imagine), is a lot younger and has already broken it off with him once. It doesn't exactly sound like a happy, stable relationship.

I can't see that the combination of him and her in any way a recipe for a happy life - a turbulent, dramatic, wearying one yes, but not a happy one. It's probably likely that as soon as her bipolar disorder starts affecting the relationship, he'll jump on the ferry back to Blighty, ignore her and run back to you.

As the others have suggested, I would also suggest telling him it's over and sorting out your finances. He's living in a selfish little fantasy at the moment and as soon as reality hits home he'll realise what he's thrown away.

Is this a belated mid-life crisis?

You don't actually need to discuss anything with him regarding the sale and division of assets. It will be more expensive for him if he doesn't talk about this (and you unfortunately) but you cannot allow yourself to be manipulated by someone's refusal to engage. So I suggest you get your own solicitor who will direct him that any assets must be sold and the profits either equally or proportionately divided. Fortunately, you have the legal rights to force a sale.

I'm assuming he intends to live in your French house while you remain living in your property in the UK? If that's the case, you might have to come to an agreement (through the solicitors if necessary) that while that situation remains, you will regard the respective houses as eachother's new homes and that neither will expect rights of occupation when visiting either country.

Cogito is right that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this. Affairs like this in any case are rarely to do with dissatisfactions in an existing relationship, especially when they occur in one of over 20+ years standing. This just sounds like a classic case of an ageing man who got the opportunity for a last adventure with a younger woman, who couldn't say 'no' to it.

I've occasionally seen an article linked on this site and it's really very good at explaining this, from a psychological perspective:

please click on this link

I'm fairly certain you'll recognise both your partner and the OW within that article.

You might want to think about some therapy of your own right now to deal with your loss. It is like a bereavement, but people often say it's worse because of the anger and feelings of self-blame, the latter created entirely because of society's myths about why infidelity happens in relationships. Blaming yourself is utterly futile, because there was nothing you could have done to avert this crisis. He was the only one who had the power to do that.

Allalonenow, I don't think you can stop the tears & the pain. I think you have to mourn the loss of your relationship. You have alot to come to terms with. Be patient with yourself & allow yourself time to feel grief. Please tell your friends & family - you need as much support as you can get.

I am with Charbon on this - tell him that you will be formalising the end of the marriage.

I would then focus on rebuilding your life - friends, hobbies, work, training etc. This will strengthen your position and boost your own self esteem.

So sorry you are goingthrough this..

The advice above is very good. discuss finances etc through the solicitor. Do not have contact with your H over anything.

Try and stay strong

Thanks for replying everyone.
Cogito, one of the things that is so hurtful is that to me we seemed so happy. The last time we were in our house together, he held me, and said how much he was looking forward to a wonderful Christmas with me. But just a few weeks later he was starting his affair.

Charbon what you say is right, he is thrilled (!) that she is young enough to be his daughter, and says she makes him feel like a rock star.
(To bitch; she is a heavy smoker with a deep sun tan, so her face is like an old crocodile skin handbag.)

As you say Shirsten, he does seem to be in a fantasy world, he is spending large amounts of money on holidays, restaurants and treats, presumably to hold her attention.

I've followed your link Charbon but just get to a general page, do you have a title for the article please?

In the last day or so I have been thinking about getting some help, as I seem so swamped by grief, and don't seem to have the means to cope with it.

PostBB and Hiding thanks so much for your kind support.

All these posts have helped me to stand back a little, and get a different view of things, so hard when your life is in shatters around you.

My heart goes out to you Allalonenow. It may not feel like it right now, but this could be the making of you. I don't have a crystal ball but I'm sure I'm not the only one to think you'll be the happiest in the long run.

And I'm sorry, but I have to say it - what an utter, utter bastard

"Cogito, one of the things that is so hurtful is that to me we seemed so happy. "

When my exH exited the picture it was just a couple of weeks after he'd suggested we start ttc. I don't know if there's a pattern with these things - some kind of over-compensation for treating you badly before hitting you with the bad news? - but the inconsistency is very difficult to square away.

What got me through was good friends happy to listen, pass tissues and/or scotch... plus keeping very busy and not allowing myself to wallow. You'll know you're making progress when you feel angry with him rather than reproaching yourself.

Oh Cogito, that was so cruel of him in so many different ways. I hope you have since had children with a kinder man. One thing that has shocked me reading MN is how many pregnant women are betrayed by their partners.

I keep telling myself that I should be working hard / keeping busy, but some days it seems such an effort just to function enough to do essential tasks. I'm hoping I'll come through that soon. I made soup yesterday, which was a breakthrough for me, as had just been eating bits of toast up to then.

I don't feel angry, just alone.

As to passing you scotch... If you have any available capital put it into Plymouth Gin shares, they are sure to climb.

Allalonenow, I have no advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have been treated so badly. I wish you happiness in the future.

I hope you come through this trying time a happier and stronger person, op.

Can I just say, to you and other posters, that I find your comments about a bipolar women very insulting. The idea that because she is bipolar, a man will sooner or later come to his senses and leave her! That as soon as her disorder starts affecting the relationship he will leave her like a shot. That their relationship can't be a happy one!

I am bipolar, and it is not the only aspect of me that is important. My personality, character, interests etc have probably played a part in attracting men, and none of them have ever 'come to their senses' and realised that they should leave me because I am bipolar.

It does affect my relationships, in both positive and negative ways, but there are men who aren't so shallow that they think my mental health is incompatible with a good relationship.

"some days it seems such an effort just to function enough to do essential tasks."

That's normal, well done making soup and get the gin in. :) It doesn't feel that way at the moment but, all the time you're making the effort, you're making progress. That's another reason why the solicitor route is useful. When there's a lot of emotion and stress flying around, the legal process can be an oasis of steely calm.

Do you have anyone you could get away with for a holiday? Part of my 'therapy' was taking up independent travel with various groups in places as diverse as Istanbul and the Isle of Wight. If you've been part of a couple for a long time it feels a little weird doing things solo but there are plenty of others doing the same thing and they're usually quite an interesting bunch.

I did have a child with someone else much later, thanks.

4aminsomniac ~
I am so very sorry that you have been upset by comments on this thread.

I only mentioned OW bi polar condition in my post because that was DP's explanation to me of why he had ended the affair, that he found life with her too difficult. In reality, she had met someone else, though she has since returned to DP.

As I was listening to his explanation, I thought that he could not love her very deeply, if he would leave her for such a reason. Anyone who loved you surely would stay and see you through the difficult times?

Later, it became clear that her condition was not the real reason for their break up, he must have told me that to boost his own self image in some twisted way, rather than let me know that he had been dumped.

I think all this says far more about DP, than it does about OW and her mental health, and none of it good.

I hope you can follow my convoluted apology. You sound a gentle and generous person 4, and I thank you for your good wishes, and return them to you a hundred fold.

Thank you, I think it was other comments rather than yours that I thought were maybe a little off! Agree that in a real loving relationship he wouldn't leave her just for that reason.

Given that, prior to your discovery last September, this man deceived you for 18 months it seems to me that you should begin to face the fact that, unless you are similarly lacking in integrity, he is not your 'soulmate' nor can anyone who treats you with such callous disregard be considered to be your 'best friend'.

The man you thought you knew is gone and in his place is a man you don't know. A man who, if you were to read about the way in which he has treated his dp of 30 years standing, you wouldn't want to know.

See him not for what he used to be but for what he is at this moment in time; a weak minded, dickeasily-led, facsimile of his former self and that this is his loss, not yours.

His liaison with Ms Wrinkled Prune may not last, but it seems to me that she has the capacity to lead him a very merry dance for some time to come and you're best advised to leave him to his own devices until he recognises that the illusions about himself which she has engendered, and which his affair with her is maintaining in his mind, have no substance.

He's said she makes him feel like 'rock star'? Which one would that be, I wonder? Ronnie Wood? Or some other equally unattractive example of money buying 'love' from younger women because without fame and fortune such men would be not be considered desirable by any stretch of the imagaination.

After a relationship of such long duration and with plans for your retirement together established by the purchase of a property in France, of course you feel bereft at having the ground cut from under you by his behaviour. In a sense it's as if you've been widowed by hs sudden and unexpected death and I suggest that, until such time as you can think of him as being dead to you, you treat him as if he no longer exists.

You've had almost a year of his capriciousness and it's time for you to step off his roller coaster ride and put your feet on the firm ground of reality and concentrate on practical matters.

Are you married? Do you have dc? Instead of trying to talk to him, tell him in writing him how your joint assets are going to be divided with the assistance of a solicitor if necessary.

If you want to win him back, and god knows why you'd want to bother to have anything more to do with such a sad sack of deluded bones, there's work to be done.

Dry those tears and unleash your inner rock goddess. Give yourself a makeover - for you, not for him - and start getting 'out there'.

Let him know/see that you're not going to hang about waiting for her to cast him off and that you're going to find a man who makes you feel like a hot rock chick million dollars - and, believe me honey, no matter what age you are there's more than a few delightful men who'll be exceedingly happy to have you in their life and who wouldn't dream of treating you in such a despicable way as your erstwhile 'd' p.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits and the crabs of a thousand minges infest his crotch. I don't have any advice, just a curse for the utter cunt :( What a sad old fool he is.

I don't have any advice to offer really - there are some truly amazing posters on here that will help to get you through this, and I have nothing to add to what they say.

But, having read (as a mega lurker extraordinaire) literally dozens and dozens of threads like this what is abundantly clear is that these men ALWAYS follow a script. Always. Always. Always.

He's wrapped up in his romantic hero fantasy - no doubt shored up by ideas of "rescuing" her from her problems, impressed with himself for having bagged a younger woman etc etc.

But as someone else has said, their relationship hasn't been exactly stable has it? This was probably easy for him to ignore while they were "star crossed lovers" coping with something that was "bigger than the both of them" blah blah. But just wait till they've been together properly for a few months and he begins to see that his perfect angel has feet of clay just like everyone else - when it dawns on him that his life isn't suddenly the bed of roses he was hoping for.

She'll probably dump him first (his pride, if nothing else, will probably make him hold on a bit longer) because, sorry, few 43 year old women want to wake up every day with a 66 year old man.

And then - know what will happen (and I am 90% certain this will happen) - he'll be back on your doorstep begging, crying and pleading for a second chance. He didn't know what he was doing, it was you he really loved all along etc. Of course, it's up to you whether you agree to take him back or not, but with any luck Cogito, Any Fucker et al will have helped you see by then that this cunt is the last person you need in your life.

In the meantime, adopt the MN Relationships thread mantra...."Detach, detach, detach". He will be back in contact with you fairly soon (he's avoiding it at the moment because he's a coward) and when he does, ignore him. Make it clear that you consider the marriage over (even if inside you don't), refuse to discuss anything personal and stick only to communications about finances etc.

Take back control, OP. He won't know what's hit him - and you WILL start to feel stronger sooner than you realise.

Good luck :)

Hello Allalone. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Something very similar happened to my wonderful, beautiful mother in law nearly a year ago. She discovered her husband of 40 years had been having an eighteen month affair with a woman around my age, some 30 years younger.
He left her for the OW and is still there now. My MIL is on a long road of pain, loss, devastation, shame etc. She's incredibly strong, dignified and graceful and that's been important for her to maintain in interacting with her ex. She's only really just got to being angry- she's spent so long bewildered and asking herself what she did wrong. She did nothing wrong and knows that now..

What's helped her has been therapy, support of her friends and family, making a list of places she's wanted to go and booking holidays 3 holidays over the next 18 months. Oh, and filing for divorce and pushing for it ASAP. That has been the sole thing that's made her feel in control of her world again. And surprised her ex no end.

She's also become stronger, has better self esteem and has managed to laugh at the ironies and idiocies along the way. She's determined to enjoy life as much as she can. She also says that a strange benefit has been in becoming so much closer to us and my SIL. We'd all do anything at all for her and my husband can barely bring himself to give his dad the time of day. His dad has thrown away so much.

Take care of yourself, give yourself license to sob into your gin but also to say 'screw you' and find the best solicitor you can... This period is bound to be the hardest but to weather. It will get easier.

Ps have emailed the link to that article to my MIL as I think she'll see a couple of people she recognises in there.

Hello sweetheart. I'm sorry that link isn't working for you. If you want to search for it, it's called "Beyond Betrayal: Life after Infidelity" in Psychologies Today by Dr. Frank Pittman.

I'm worried you have no-one in RL to share this with and concerned that you have made him your world. I hope that there is at least someone whom you could talk to and it's not pride that's stopping you. You have nothing at all to be ashamed of. This is a story that everyone is familiar with - a sad, idiotic man losing his head about a younger, troubled woman. That shame is all his, there was nothing you could have done about it.

The reason he and the other men that have been mentioned on this thread seemed loving beforehand is because they wanted to keep both lives separate. They didn't want to lose either at that point. It's a very selfish position to take, but it does give you an insight into their thinking - and it amply demonstrates what I was saying upthread that it's not that your relationship was faulty or unsatisfying, it's just that your partner was greedy and wanted both at that point.

Which is why it's so important that he loses you as the fall-back position before this other relationship fails.

Take control of this situation and I promise you that you will never regret it. You'll regain your shattered self-respect and you'll actually start liking yourself again.

From his perspective, no-one respects a doormat who will let others treat her terribly and hang around for more. If you actually want him back (and don't assume you always will) this is actually the best way to bring him back.

MadAHC ~ Since I retired from running his highly successful business, I have been focused on the plans and work for restoring the house, so you are right that it is time to build a new life for myself, as sadly, I thought I was doing.

SkyBS ~ I will try to stay strong.... tomorrow.

TallWG ~ He would hate to be called that!!

Lucy ~ I'll learn that curse by heart.

ChickensHNL ~ Thank you.

Izzyizin ~ Yes I am still looking back at the man I used to know, and am finding it hard to leave him there in my past.
I've hoped that if I could understand WHY, it would make me feel less hurt.
You are right about it being a roller coaster ride, and I feel as though it has soaked up all my emotions.

I think it would be impossible now to ever trust him again, and you cannot have a valid relationship with out trust. So I think it most unlikely that I would have him back now. There is a thread running now about relationships surviving betrayal, and much of that chimes with me.

Thanks for your cool headed advice, Izzy, some of your post even made me smile, a rare occurrence lately.