How can I stop the tears and pain?

[Allalonenow]

Last September I discovered that DP of 30 years had been having an affair for 18 months. He said he did not see it working as a long term relationship, later I found out this was due to her being bi polar, he is 66, she 43. She lives in the French town where we had recently bought a house to retire to.

He asked me to wait, to give him some time to get her out of his system, and I agreed to that.

In early December he told me it was all over between them, and has continued to assure me that he was not seeing her. He still felt distant from me though, and some of his behaviour did not seem quite right.

At the end of May he suggested that we had what we both hoped would be a honeymoon to get to know each other again, and to rebuild what I always thought had been a totally happy relationship. We seemed to become much more close and intimate, but by chance I found proof that the affair was ongoing.

When confronted, he admitted this was so, but said he had definitely ended it a few weeks previously. I found out later that she had left him for someone else. He begged me to help him through such difficult times for us both.

Within the last few days he has left for France, without a word to me, and I hear from friends that he has won her back. He does not answer any phone or email.

I feel as though my heart is breaking, I can't stop crying, I can't sleep or eat. To read this, I sound so stupid, but he is the man I have loved and trusted for half my life. He is my best friend, my soulmate, I miss him so much I ache, I don't think I can face the rest of my life alone.

I keep going over and over times when I could have made different decisions that might have meant I could have saved my relationship, and had the happy life with him I have worked so hard for. But now someone else will have that life.

I've not posted here before, but been reading for a while. So many of you seem strong and brave, and that is what I need to be but am not. I long for peace and calm, but only have chaos and fear and turmoil.

"He asked me to wait, to give him some time to get her out of his system, and I agreed to that."

Your largest mistake. What you were in effect doing, was giving him permission to do what he wanted. As Diana said, marriages don't mean 3 people. A third person means no marriage.

I am so sorry for all your pain. I don't think there is anything more painful that watching the person you love and who you thought loved you, having passion for someone else. I wonder if it is anything you ever get over.

Sorry, I hasten to add that (just in case that sounded either blaming or giving you an idea you should could have controlled anything) the end of what you know and believe happens with the affair.

Ending it instantly and decisively is to protect YOU. So you aren't deeply hurt by being around his obsession with someone else.

Stupid stupid selfish man I can only try to imagine how you feel.

Crikey ~ Yes, when he first met her he felt sorry for her, and gave her a casual job to "help" her. They do seem to have had their ups and downs already.

I like the mantra Crikey, but it is a difficult one to sing, so I will need that luck!

Mentlejen ~ That's such a heartening story about your MIL. When you are in the middle of this, it can feel very lonely, so it's good to know that others have worked through it.

Your MIL sounds a wonderful woman, I hope I will be like her.

hi Allalone I was married 24 yrs before being traded in for the new model and I have to say life is better now, 18 months later, than it has been for years.

You may find that you relish the ability to make choices just for you, decorate a house how you want it, go on the kind of holiday you enjoy.

Please get yourself a good solicitor and make sure there is FULL and formal financial disclosure. My ex pulled the wool over my eyes and I was trying to be nice and collaborative and keep a good relationship - all great ideals - but fairness in the distribution of assets would have been nice too. The other MN mantra which I have discovered (wish I'd been on here at the time!) is he is not your friend No matter how much he might make friendly overtures when it comes to splitting things, he is looking out for himself and the OW.

Grieve for what you have lost, remember the good times, I still do, but that person I had the good times with is dead - so I look back fondly at a person who no longer exists for me. It's not a linear process, you'll have cycles of good times and down times, and that's where Mumsnet is great - you come on here and get a reality check when you wobble .

First things first - are there old friends that you've been neglecting? particularly those who he didn't like much. Get back in touch, reconnect with the things and people special to just you.

Hello Charbon, I've found that link now, thank you.
He is someone who does compartmentalizes his life. I think this is so that he feels he can control things easily. Keeping things like emotions seperate makes them easier for him to deal with.

Of course recent events have fractured these compartments, which he has not been happy about, and which he has dealt with by zooming from one side of the Channel to the other whenever things got a bit sticky.

No one has called me sweetheart for a long time, so nice, it's what my Mam and Dad used to call me.

Hello ABitWN,
In some ways I think you are probably right about my first mistake, but it seemed like the best way at the time, and they had already been together 18 months by then.

No advice AAN - just so sorry for what you're going through; know how you feel! Best wishes, xxx

Stay strong!!!

Hello Catsrus, That's such a helpful point, that grieving is not a linear process. At the moment I just seem to be swamped by feelings of loss and loneliness, so I know I've got some way to go yet.
I have ended up quite isolated, I'm not sure how it happened, working long hours and weekends for many years, most of "our" friends are really his friends. So perhaps I'll give some thought to reconnecting.

Ormiria and jynier ~ how kind of you to take the time to post.

I feel awful for you. You sound completely amazing, much better than this 'man'..yet I know this makes no difference to how you feel :( Please stay stron, it will get so much better.

Baked ~ Thanks for posting such a kind message. TBH I don't feel amazing or strong today. He has sent me a text saying how sorry he is for hurting me.

His other apologies have been generated in response to probing / questions / discussions. This is the first time he has spontaneously offered any show of remorse. So, yet more tears today, when I think of how things used to be.

sorry you've had more tears. I was the same last week when I got a text saying Im sorry I hurt you blah blah blah. Trouble is, nothing can turn the clock back and nothing can take the hurt away.

I grieved terribly for the loss of my husband and the end of my marriage, but then I got the anger and that is seeing me through now. i need to move on to indifference and then i know that whatever he does wont affect me any more..

stay strong xx

Allalone are you getting any counselling? I have found it invaluable. It really does do something other than friends/family or MN can do. With all three you will be supported to the fullest extent you can possibly be. Oh, and of course a good solicitor will be very supportive too. I always feel calmer when I have spoken to mine, and it wasnt something I would have expected.

That's a brilliant article in the link.

It will get better. You sound like a lovely and capable person. There will be happy timea ahead. After a year, I still sometimes think "how could you" but like several posters have said the man I used to know does not exist any longer. It helps to think this way because you dont have to forget the happy times of the past. I can talk about things I did with my Ex without a problem. What I cant deal with still is the way he treated me whilst living a double life. I know it will come in time though. Be kind to yourself. Find little things that make you happy and enjoy those moments.

Hello Skye, Thank you for your message.
I'm glad for you that you are making some progress, however slow you feel it is.
I remember your name from reading here a short while ago, but I can't find your thread now, do you have a link to it?

I've found it so helpful to read other threads here, as it has helped me realize that I am not as alone as I thought. So many of our experiences are so similar. I've even realized from what "Sternface" has written on another thread, that my DP's affair is probably one of "Feelings Addiction", and that was a revalation to me, and made so much sense.

The only rider to that is that Sternface comments that the men involved in that type of affair are often partnered by strong capable women. I am sure I can remember being strong and capable, but I think it was in another space/time continuum.

Stay strong Skye x

Yes, I read Sternface's comment on that thread snd it's exactly what my husband has done, Feelings Addiction....

My current thread is called "not an elephant in sight" it's usually on first page in relationships as I keep wittering on, lol.

My H messed me around, walked out when I didn't even know he was unhappy, then called it a trial separation, then cruelly led me on. He is obsessed with this woman but won't admit it....

What goes around comes around so they will get theirs one day..

Allalone do you have dc and family/friends in RL who are helping you? Can you indicate roughly which part of the UK you live in?

Also, are you a similar age to your 'd' p?

I know the pain you are suffering - I have been there too. But you will come through it. It gets easier, I promise. Life gets into another rhythm, and buried parts of a different 'you' are revitalised and lead you donw new roads.

My life isn't recognisable now. And I don't grieve anymore for the ex-husband. He was a twat. Of the highest order.

I really hope that dc, if you have them, are there for you.

Spring ~ No, I've not had any counselling, but I have fallen apart so much over the last few days, that I will make a GP appointment early next week, and see what is advised. It is a large medical centre, so they probably have counselling on site.

When you say "it will get better" and "there will be happy times ahead" I just can't envisage that, the future just looks so empty and bleak.

I can see that finding little things to enjoy would be a positive step. I've joined in one or two of the chat threads here, which is quite new to me, but I can't seem to concentrate on anything for more than a short while.

It sounds as though you have had a difficult time yourself, Spring, so it's especially kind of you to share a bit of hope with me.

PS Now I know I am cracking up as have just poured out a glass of Calvados instead of Amontillado for aperos.

I'm having counselling too and it is helping me to make sense of what has happened and to try and move forward. My H has lied so much I now have major trust issues that I never had before. He was texting his best mates wife and hid it from me.

It is so difficult to move on while still loving them and trying to accept that part of your life is over.

But there are a lot of stories on here with a happy ending which is very inspiring.

You need to think about reconnecting with old friends and family.

Look at ways of taking pleasure in life - it could be a walk in a park, a trip to an art gallery, a coffee with friends, new haircut/massage or a film.

These things will slowly help you rebuild your life and boost your self esteem.

Hello Skye,

I remember your story now, I'll re read your threads ASAP. I remember how brave and creative you were.

I know what you mean about thinking that the betrayer is obsessed with OW, and I thought the same from what DP told me. I think however, that Sternface would disagree, and that what the betrayer is obsessed with are the "feelings" that OW enables the betrayer to create and sustain within the betrayer's mind. It is all about the betrayer and his emotional response, and OW is just a vulnerable opportunity. The betrayer is trying to fill voids in his emotions. I've no idea how to ask Sternface if I've understood that correctly, but it seems to make sense.

I'm thinking I might be able to have counselling; it seems to help so many people, but I've never had anything like that before. I already feel emotionally drained with all my nerves on red alert, so am hoping it will calm and soothe me, is that how it works?

Take care of yourself Skye x

I think you are right, it is the feeling that they become obsessed with, the buzz of excitement every time they get a text or email and also the buzz of doing something secret or naughty....

Yes I agree too about the buzz and excitement and am sincerely hoping that as time goes by and these cheating scumbags get to be with OW full time it becomes very dreary and they find nothing in common. . In my case I think their "togetherness" is being fuelled by the fight for the assets and the assault trial but one day that too will be over and they will be annoying each other at the very least.

AAN, I've been thinking since last night how to succinctly put how counselling will help you to cope. If you are not talking to RL life friends about it, and I suspect you are not from what you are saying, then it allow you to off load. It is completely non judgemental in a way that friends often are not. You can also clearly track you progress and that in time is hugely beneficial when you have a bit of a wobble and feel you have fallen back to feelings you thought had passed. I would recommend that rather than just go to someone your GP recommends (although a good start), you look into who is available in your area independently. Look up BACP and see who is available in your area and read their profiles, experience etc. You can then go for an initial appointment and see how you find them. Like everything, its horses for courses. Who you gel with might not necessarily be who the next person would.

Keep posting.

UnlikelyA, hello there,
Yes I have a lovely son in RL, from an earlier marriage (I was a child bride!!). Sadly, he lives far away from me. I have told him a little of what is happening, but he has a complex busy life himself, and is always under pressure, so I do not want to add to his burden.

Besides, I am the strong one, who can always think of an answer and a way around problems, well, until now that is.

Yes I am a similar age to DP, and live in the North West.

Spring ~ hello again, thanks for the thoughts and information about counselling, I'll look up BACP as you suggest.

I found the first counselling session very hard as it brings everything to the surface, but once it's all out the counsellor understands your issues and needs and takes it from there.

I have found it really helpful in looking at issues that my H threw at me as reasons for leaving. He made me feel like a really bad person and the counsellor is making me see that I'm not.

I think it can be very helpful to help you move on.

Allalonenow, you were kind enough to respond on my thread; I am sorry I have not seen yours until now. It all hurts and I so sorry you are hurting.