Last September I discovered that DP of 30 years had been having an affair for 18 months. He said he did not see it working as a long term relationship, later I found out this was due to her being bi polar, he is 66, she 43. She lives in the French town where we had recently bought a house to retire to.
He asked me to wait, to give him some time to get her out of his system, and I agreed to that.
In early December he told me it was all over between them, and has continued to assure me that he was not seeing her. He still felt distant from me though, and some of his behaviour did not seem quite right.
At the end of May he suggested that we had what we both hoped would be a honeymoon to get to know each other again, and to rebuild what I always thought had been a totally happy relationship. We seemed to become much more close and intimate, but by chance I found proof that the affair was ongoing.
When confronted, he admitted this was so, but said he had definitely ended it a few weeks previously. I found out later that she had left him for someone else. He begged me to help him through such difficult times for us both.
Within the last few days he has left for France, without a word to me, and I hear from friends that he has won her back. He does not answer any phone or email.
I feel as though my heart is breaking, I can't stop crying, I can't sleep or eat. To read this, I sound so stupid, but he is the man I have loved and trusted for half my life. He is my best friend, my soulmate, I miss him so much I ache, I don't think I can face the rest of my life alone.
I keep going over and over times when I could have made different decisions that might have meant I could have saved my relationship, and had the happy life with him I have worked so hard for. But now someone else will have that life.
I've not posted here before, but been reading for a while. So many of you seem strong and brave, and that is what I need to be but am not. I long for peace and calm, but only have chaos and fear and turmoil.