How can I stop the tears and pain?

[Allalonenow]

Last September I discovered that DP of 30 years had been having an affair for 18 months. He said he did not see it working as a long term relationship, later I found out this was due to her being bi polar, he is 66, she 43. She lives in the French town where we had recently bought a house to retire to.

He asked me to wait, to give him some time to get her out of his system, and I agreed to that.

In early December he told me it was all over between them, and has continued to assure me that he was not seeing her. He still felt distant from me though, and some of his behaviour did not seem quite right.

At the end of May he suggested that we had what we both hoped would be a honeymoon to get to know each other again, and to rebuild what I always thought had been a totally happy relationship. We seemed to become much more close and intimate, but by chance I found proof that the affair was ongoing.

When confronted, he admitted this was so, but said he had definitely ended it a few weeks previously. I found out later that she had left him for someone else. He begged me to help him through such difficult times for us both.

Within the last few days he has left for France, without a word to me, and I hear from friends that he has won her back. He does not answer any phone or email.

I feel as though my heart is breaking, I can't stop crying, I can't sleep or eat. To read this, I sound so stupid, but he is the man I have loved and trusted for half my life. He is my best friend, my soulmate, I miss him so much I ache, I don't think I can face the rest of my life alone.

I keep going over and over times when I could have made different decisions that might have meant I could have saved my relationship, and had the happy life with him I have worked so hard for. But now someone else will have that life.

I've not posted here before, but been reading for a while. So many of you seem strong and brave, and that is what I need to be but am not. I long for peace and calm, but only have chaos and fear and turmoil.

Hi AAN

I had to post in response to your thread. I found out about H's charting in Feb & we separated for about 4 - 5 months and he has done an about turn and we are attempting to repair the damage.

He too has described what he went through as "feelings addiction", addiction to the high of the feelings it generated in him - he is now deeply ashamed that he could have been that person, that he could have thought the affair could compare to our 22 year relationship.

I don't doubt that some of the following helped me to start healing & him to come out of his "fog"

1. detaching & only speaking to him about kids & finances - no unnecessary conversations / texts & ignoring all the "I'm sorry" texts without engaging
2. getting counselling for myself
3. getting into an exercise routine for myself - I found a group of wonderful walking / hiking friends and we walk every morning
4. speaking to a lawyer to find out where I stood financially
5. having ALL our savings in my name - drove him nuts but he couldn't do anything about it as it was all in my name - you have access to his business - get yourself some financial protection
6. Planning a holiday for me & a girlfriend - initially had a really tough time on this holiday as I was in full grief mode but turning point came Day 3 or 4 into 9 day trip after I had spent too much time sobbing
7. started getting weekly massages to help with stress & tension

Keep yourself healthy and busy & like previous posters have said, enjoy doing things & making solo decisions (I bought 3 pieces of furniture & redecorated to suit me!)

Treat yourself well & be gentle with yourself. Like you, I am a strong and capable woman but my counsellor made me see that I needed to remember to be gentle with me.

God bless

Cheating, not charting - phone

Ooo Spree that is such wise advice. Well done you!

What's your timeline though? How long ago was the separation and is he back living under your roof again yet? Also, what made you believe his apologies?

OP, disengage disengage disengage and yes - any monies in joint name, withdraw and put into a separate account. So long as this is legal. Don't spend it, just know where you stand.

Hello Spree, I'm sorry I have been slow to reply to your lovely post.

All of your points are so very helpful, and are of major importance in protecting yourself in these situations.

I'm just not ready yet to plan or take a holiday, but I've always loved travelling, more so than DP TBH, so I am sure I will do that in the future.

As we are not married, I took steps many years ago to protect my own property and income, so that is not an issue for me at present.

My difficulty is really emotional. as the thread title says. How to disengage; how to wipe out half my life; how to understand why he has given my life away to someone else, some one so totally different from me, whom he has known so briefly.

How has the man I have loved and trusted, who I have nurtured and cared for through some of the darkest events life could throw at us, How has he been able to simply walk away from me without a backward glance.

And how does he think that sending me a text telling me how sorry he is, will in any way ease the pain.

AAN - slowly, day by day, step by step - baby steps for now.

Allow yourself to grief for the relationship and the person he was but don't allow your grief to take over.

Plan one nice thing a day to do for yourself and yes, right now, it will feel like you need super human effort to make yourself do this one thing but do it, it will help you on your path to recovery.

I read on another thread that the thing that motivates these men is loss and that is so right.

Be gentle with yourself, pick yourself up, start doing things which are good for you.

He may be in lala-land at the minute but know that once your back is turned, he will soon start to feel the loss.

And if he doesn't, well, all the good things you are starting to do for yourself will have helped you realise that you can manage without him.

I found out H was cheating in Feb so I am not so far ahead of you, I remember the grim days, the absolute pain, the desperately missing having someone to share daily stuff with, the feeling of not being able to get out of bed and sort the children out.

I remember doing really the bare minimum for my children because it was all I could manage.

But this does pass and the more you make yourself do the things you don't really want to eg be sociable, catch up with friends, the more your healing starts to happen.

Unlikely Amazonian - he has just moved back in in the last week or so.

What made me believe his apologies was that he did some serious work on himself, he attended an intensive 8-day psychotherapy retreat that forced him to look at his issues from childhood and how they might affect his responses.

I'm not stupid enough to believe the 8 day retreat would be a miracle cure but it has opened his eyes to understand his reaction and his reaction towards me now even when I am angry is not to be defensive but to accept that this is what I am because of what he has done.

He is incredibly ashamed, he has also had to apologise to my family and friends, not just me.

It is not a bed of roses and it is going to be hard work and to tell you the truth, there is still a part of me adopting a wait & see attitude but the important thing I learnt during the time we were apart is that I can overcome my pain & I could live without him.

"I read on another thread that the thing that motivates these men is loss and that is so right."

Spree thats interesting. What does it motivate them to do? I am fascinated by the retreat. It sounds so much more immediately useful than embarking long drawn out psychotherapy over probably years.

I had stopped loving my ex a long time before I discovered the affair as he had treated me so badly during the time he was living a double life so none of reconciliatory stuff applies to me but it still helps to read about it. I need to work out why his behaviour towards me has been so extreme in its vitriol. Maybe it is because he knows there would be no going back with me?

AAN sorry to slightly hijack your thread. I will shut up now and wish you a good day with some happy moments. You are getting some wonderful advice on here.

The loss thing is explained on the first page of this thread.

As long as cheaters know they have a back up plan, they rarely will stop cheating.

Reformed cheaters who have fought hard to win back their betrayed spouse, their family and home comforts are less likely to risk losing them again.

Sorry not to have posted, but I've had a bleak couple of days.
Spree, thank you for your thoughtful post.
I think I am grieving for all my lost dreams, which I almost had within my grasp at last. I feel as though I have let go of the string of a gorgeous balloon and I'm watching it soar rapidly out of sight.

I seem to go forward a little, then the slightest memory sweeps me off my feet and I am back to barely functioning.

There is a waiting list for counselling in my area, so I thought I might get a book in the meantime. Susan Elliott's 'Getting past your breakup' and Paul McKenna's 'I can mend your broken heart' get good reviews (but not available on Kindle unfortunately). Maybe someone here has tried them?

It is helping me to read other threads here, some elements of Orm's betrayal are similar to mine. Though I've read that recovery can take a month for each year of the relationship, which puts my recovery some years in the future. If he had been honest with me in the summer of 2010 I would be almost over him by now!

As to using the fear of loss, perhaps ABitWN was right, and that giving him time was my mistake, of course I was not a member of MN then, so sadly knew no better. I should add it to my list of "If only I had...."

I am beginning to think that DP could be a narcissist, as he does all the things / has all the traits mentioned in everything I have read recently, he even uses the same phrases and scenarios. Since I have realized this, so many things have made more sense.

Spring ~ don't worry about hijacking the thread, it's good to have a bit of interchange in the posts. What is the title of your thread? I'd like to read it, as you seem so calm and composed in your posts on this thread.

Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts you have sent me.

All you really sound like a lovely lady and I'd say he's made a huge mistake.

I'm hoping you can begin to plan some enjoyable things for the future.

AAN, I've never heard that about the number of months relating to years of marriage. Ive done 12 months now so 15 to go. I can promise you I feel a lot further on than less than half in terms of getting over things so dont be disheartened. A year going by, which it did recently, was a huge marker. I know I can do it all now,, Christmas, birthdays etc.

. Be very kind to yourself and be mindful when "events" come up and you will be fine. For example, months in advance of my birthday I arranged tickets to do something good with two of my adult children. It ended up being wonderful day. I didnt hang about hoping others would organise something for me. I didnt let myself feel sad that I was having to do this for myself but saw it as freedom to do exactly as I wanted and not compromise. You say exDP ddnt like travalling much so that would be a very good starting point to doing something for just you.

I didnt start my own thread until things were really desperate so I didnt really write about my early circumstances but it is called "Domestic Violence, done the right thing, now what?" This assault took place 4 months after I told Ex to move out due to discovering his affair with OW half his age and 3 years older than our DD. This OW was and still is employed in "our" business after he bullied me into leaving as it wasnt working - spouses working together! Of course he wanted me out of the way so he could get on and have an affair in peace.......

Hello Spring,
I am dreading my birthday this year, as DP vanished the night before my birthday last year, and could not be contacted at all on the day itself. He phoned me the next day from France to tell me he wanted to try a new life with OW. I fear I will relive that dreadful day every year now for the rest of my life.

I've been thinking I should make some plans this year for the day myself, maybe afternoon tea somewhere, or perhaps a champagne breakfast, I'll see how I feel by the end of August.

I'l write more soon, but just had to respond to your post.

Allalonenow: best wishes for your life ahead

That sounds a really good idea about your birthday AAN. Plan it now. We will help you on here, wont we ladies, should you need suggestions.

Regarding the counselling, did you look on the BACP website? I would be amazed if you cant find a private counsellor in your area who could see you soon. I have done some counselling training myself and I have a friend who is a counsellor and I understand that like all perceived extras counselling is feeling the pinch from the recession.

I found reading the Getting Past Your Break Up website really helpful (didn't get the book).

Can I also recommend another book called Coming Home to Who You Are by somebody Richo. It's quite a therapeutic book to read and quite healing.

You should definitely reclaim your next birthday by planning something spectacular for yourself, something you will remember long after this as the best experience of your life. :)

Spring, I've read your thread this morning, what a valiant courageous woman you are. My heart went out to you when I was reading about your ordeal in court. I hope every thing is resolved soon for you.

I've ordered the book you mentioned in your thread, but in the meantime I'm reading "How to heal a broken heart in 30 days" by Bronson & Riley. They say I should cry as much as I like every day..... And eat chocolate. So it seems that I am already doing all the right things.

I did look at the BACP website, and there were one or two counsellors in my area, I'll have another look at them now I've spoken to my GP.

Spree, thank you for mentioning that web site I'll have a look at it later, and I'll search out the book too.

FlatBF and HotB, thank you for your support. I like that flower motif~I might get some flowers as one of my daily treats.

I think I'll probably visit my son for a few days around my birthday. He works on the production side of events/theatre so sure to be something going on. Also he lives in a bustling city with lots of nice restaurants, so plenty of scope to plan an interesting happy time.

It has really helped me during the last days, to know that I could come here and hear kind voices.

You've made tears come a little bit there AAN. I feel like I am now fighting for my very life. I've got Ex's financial info - finally. (Form E) Its less than a week before the first court appointment so little time to check a lot. He is claiming the business is worth less that half what he told me it was work 18 months ago. He definitely has a source of money elsewhere as he rarely withdraws any cash. God knows how this can be proved without the use of forensic accountants. I could do it in a trice if I could get in to the office for an hour but no chance of that. Will have to see what my solicitor says when I see her for a very long appointment on Monday.

He is spending money like there is no tomorrow, (I live in hope that there wont be for him!) Holidays and dinners out left right and centre. Oh, and for the record - I must put it down on my own thread - he spent £5k on his defence barrister. I will never ever speak to him but if I did, my first sentence would be "what a waste of money she was"!

Your birthday plans sound brilliant.

I am interested in the lack of counsellors in your area. Most unusual but hope you get fixed up soon.

I know your pain AAN. I had a vanishing H too. It's hideous. The only thing I can recommend is, as others have said, treat yourself with kindness, know it is not your fault, and just take baby steps. Day by day or even hour by hour when it's bad. I sobbed terribly for a full month. Lost tons of weight, was in a terrible way. I struggled with all the anniversaries for the that first year, but once you have done them all once, well they don't hold such significance.

Four years on I'm emotionally happy (though ds is poorly which is my new Big Challenge), and I don't give a hoot about exH. I don't think about it much tbh and I couldn't care less 99% of the time, where he is living or with whom.

The remaining one per cent I have some wobble moments. But they are usually gone by the next morning.

Whenever anything goes wrong though - big or small, I still shout 'BASTARD' at the heavens.

You must believe that you will come through this...because, like the We're Going On A Bear Hunt story says, you can't go over it, you can't go round ikt. Oh no. You've got to go THROUGH it.

Financially, get yourself sorted. Is he living in your French property with the OW? Might be that if you can move things on swiftly he can bloody well stay there and you keep your uk home.

I have been reading your thread and am thinking of you. Hugs.

Hello Spring, this is going to be a critical time for you, but look at what you have triumphed over already, and I'm sure you will prevail in this also.

I don't know much about form E, but surely his statements have to be proved against such things as verified Accounts, Inland Revenue records etc? Do his company records have to be lodged publicly (Company House?). Can his Accountant be questioned? Are you still on good terms with the Accountant? Any computer records you might still have available?

Is it worth seeking a delay in the hearing to give you more time to dig and check?

Stay strong!!

Hello UnlikelyA,
I'm so sorry to hear that your DS is unwell. You sound as though you are rising to the challenge though, and will overcome it. Have you posted about it on here UA?

Yes I am doing the baby steps as you say, even the hour by hour some days. But sometimes the days seem so interminably long, especially as I wake so early, and everything seems so much worse at 3am.

No, they are not living in the house yet, but in her small scruffy social housing flat nearby. My house here is secured, so thank heaven I do not have that to worry about.

I've got a nice pop up copy of "Bear Hunt", I wonder where it is! Actually think I could be regressing to childhood, as I bought Cadburys Fingers and Malteesers this week, but to make them more adult floated the Malteesers in a glass of Brandy Alexander for a treat.

I hope you don't have any wobbles or BARSTARD moments, at least for the next few weeks UA, and thank you for the hug, I haven't had nearly enough of them lately. Here's one for you ~HUG.

I love the sound of the Maltester cocktail!

UnlikelyAmazonian, I've been screaming at the sky today too. . I have actually got a rusty sounding voice I have shouted so hard. I couldnt find a single person in RL to talk to, bar my poor DS.

AAN, sometimes you just want someone to say its all going to be OK don't you? No advice needed, just someone to share the pain with. I am here virtually sharing it with you.

Spring,
I know just what you mean, I think we need something stronger than a mug of tea. My son would say CHOCOLATE NOW MOTHER!!

So my pudding is sainsburys Belgian chocolate & salted caramel torte. I am Belgian, so especially appropriate!! Get yourself some medicinal Malteesers ASAP.
Talk soon. Stay strong! You need a mole in his Accountant's office who would help you dish the BASTARD.

Are we all watching the Limpits (as ds says) opening ceremony? Great. Our history is rich with strong people and myriad shite overcome.

AAN i did post a bout my exH when he ran away, but as i say it was four years ago now. No contact. No child support.

I am 48! ho hum.

We women are gorgeous creatures and we can have a nice fun kind lovely exciting life without these twats chimeras we married.

Hello Spring,
Just to say that I hope your meeting with your solicitor tomorrow is productive, and that you get the settlement you hope for and deserve.
Best wishes.

AAN, thanks. I have been trawling through the Form E information again today and making copious notes for tomorrow so hopefully we will have a very productive meeting. The amount of money my EX has spent in the past year is unbelievable.

I made a very big mistake in thinking I needed to wait until the end of year accounts were ready before issuing proceedings. I should have done it straight away and we could have then been ready by the time these were ready to finalise everything. I have had advice from 3 solicitors in total and they all advised the same. Dont rush into it. Bollocks ladies. Rush into it. Dont let the bstrds spend your money. Get on with it is my advice! If its happening, its happening. Bring the bloody thing to as swift a conclusion as you can.....

I want to add one of these solcitors is my best friend so its not a case of duff solicitors. Its what is regarded as generally good advice.

Will keep you all posted and will take your good wishes along with me.