MIL wants to 'help' but has agendas.LONG, sorry.

[StressedNotSupported]

Where to start. I've name changed as this is delicate. Some background...

I have a DS of almost 1 year. It has been without a doubt the hardest year of my life. I love my son with every bit of my heart unreservedly but my relationship with DH has become strained I'd say almost to breaking point. He was unsupportive during hard pregnancy and birth and I think just can't cope if I need him rather than vice versa. He is a man child. I knew this when I met him but I guess now I have an actual child, I need him to grow up which is harsh but true.

I am exhausted with DS who is bf and still awake several times a night. He is cutting a bunch of teeth just now too.

DH's family are making things harder. DH's bro lives near us. MIL lives a long way away. BIL has a little boy a couple years older than our DS and MIL has been very involved with them. MIL expects same with us. I am happy for her to be involved as a normal grandma but I feel her attitude goes beyond normal.

On top of this, mIL is a psychologist and counsellor and can't seem to switch this off. I find her manner intrusive and she is very controlling. This is backed up by sil who ended up at relate with BIL saying there were 3 of them in their marriage and the 'other woman' was his mum. Generally tho I think she has a more stable relationship with MIL. They have more in common, more history and I think, she is more willing to, and sorry for this phrase, kiss MIL's ass.

DH will often speak and I can hear her words coming out. No doubt about it.

I don't dislike MIL, it is more that I don't trust her. We get on for a while but then, out of nowhere, she will turn. Again, SIL has said she has this ability to take one's breath away in an instant with things she will come out with.

I could go on all day, it is very complex and I hope I am making sense.

So yesterday she rang for a 'chat' which is not that common. I was a bit stressed anywyay yesterday as I'd had phone call after phone call (literally, put phone down, it rings again) and DH was get very fractious. On top of this, I am soooo tired from sleep deprivation. Anyway, we have a brief chat, skim over how I'm doing and how she is going (as she has had recent health probs). Leave it at that. Then 4 hours later, just as I'm doing baby's tea, she rings back. Said she's been thinking about what's going on all afternoon and that she could come and help. She isn't busy and could come and stay for a week. But I would need to let her help and she would take over the nightime wakings and she would then sleep in the day. Said somebody needed to take charge of the situation. I'm paraphrasing but amongst other things she asked how many times I was still bfding, said she was frustrated that we hadn't been to relate about our marriage, suggested I go to the GP for depression, etc etc.

Now, an offer of help is nice but I felt totally sidestepped. I was dealing with baby crying for his food and I was exhausted by 5pm yesterday and I ended up in tears on the phone as I couldn't cope with that level of intrusion. I said I would think about it and she said that we will talk again about this.

Now I don't think it is up to her to tell me when to stop breastfeeding or how to tackle night wakings esp with baby who is teething. Add to this her DH (not my DH's father ) has alzeihmers and she'd bring him with her, so I'd have him to 'look after' during the day as well as baby and dog, whilst she sleeps having done the night shift with my baby. I'm not comfortable with any of this. I don't feel our relationship is built on enough trust. I feel undermined.

I am willing to consider that she genuinely wants to help but actually I don't believe this. I think this is more about her wanting some control and input over how I raise my child. She has recently suggested we go away for weekend and she'd come and look after baby. Again, not unappreciated, but it's up to me when I feel ready to leave him.

But and this is the big but, DH and I had a big row last night which was quite constructive in the end and it turned out that between the two phone calls yesterday afternoon, MIL had rung DH at work to ask him why she hadn't been invited up for DS's 1st birthday. So basically this is all about her and I d on't want to give her any 'control'. I don't even want to have any deep meaningfuls with her. IMO she misuses her professional skills in a family situation.

I feel very stressed by offer of 'help' and upset that she has now hijacked baby's 1st birthday making it about her.

I am not sure what I'm asking really. How to say no without causing world war 3? SHoudl I say no to her 'helping' when it means her deciding I should night wean my baby?

You say "no, its nice if you to offer but I like to things my way." Do not deviate from it. You dont owe her any explanation. Screen your calls or if you are busy just dont answer the phone. I dont even bother answering it sometimes if Im sitting reading. Dont be bullied in your own house.

Separate to this you and DH need to talk about your relationship.

I think you need to get your DH's view on this and get him to support you. And don't forget the MN classic, "That doesnt work for me".

Perhaps the way to deal with her is give her specific things you are happy for her to help with - so if not the nighttime wakings because you are BFing, then suggest she takes DS for a walk/to the park, plays with him, or helps around the house, if she is keen to help you?

What a difficult situation. Would your DH speak to her or wil lhe take her side?

I think you need to tel lher that you are not needing help, and that your marriage is your business. Tell her that you do not want somebody taking over with your baby in the night, and that having her a SFIL to stay will just create more work. Tell her you appreciate her offering to help but it is not going to be useful to you at the moment.

she should know very well as a psychologist and counsellor that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and you can't change someone until they accept the problem and make the effort to change themselves.

My Mil gets the message through being fobbed off week after week "I'll think about it/maybe next week/now's not a good time". Would that work? or at least buy you some time.

If it is an offer of help then a polite decline should be enough for her. If she persists then repeat yourself and remind her 'as I said before......'
It doesn't sound like you have the emotional strength to confront her directly about this.

Well. In a way she is right.

Something like relate may help your H get his thumb out and be more useful. It will also help the pair of you to talk about MIL and agree about her involvement in your relationship and convince your H that your marriage is not any of her business.

Then you need to be firm and do what coco and Lemon say, thank you but no thank you.

If your H allows her to come to your house against your wishes with her father then take yourself and your baby off to a hotel if you can afford it or a friend/family saying that you are unable to support her father due to your child needing you and are having space/peace then leave them to it.

Bite the bullet now while the baby is only a year or she will be doing this for the next 18 years!

Good luck.

I agree with all of the above. My ex ILs were all old-style therapists/counsellors of some stripe and didn't hold back on telling me what I was doing wrong re taking care of the dc. It's really horrible to be 'analysed' without your permission. It's unethical at best and manipulative/abusive at worst. You don't need that in your home, especially not in the name of 'helping' you. Good luck!

When you next talk to her tell her that you appreciate her offer and it was so kind of her to think of you, and realise what a bad day you were having when she phoned.
You then lie through your teeth, and tell her you're feeling soo much better and brighter now, and you are going to start dropping the night feeds soon so it wouldn't be a good idea for her to come and take over, as you need to do this gradually etc , etc,

Realistically, your LO is teething and for yourself, think hard about dropping the night feeds. Sleep deprivation can colour all aspects of your life and I think you would feel generally better and able to cope with any difficulties you are having with your DH if you consiatently got a good nights sleep.

Think about it!

She is either very absent minded or was it deliberate, the time of her second call was 5pm, that is right in the middle of the 4-7pm nightmare slot. All children tend to show their worst behaviour and be most stressful at this time, as they are tired and so are you. But you don't want them to nap as you want them to sleep later etc. etc.
So she deliberately phoned at the time of day you would be most vulnerable.

Say no! Talk to your HV and tell them about the stress she is putting you under.
Don't answer the phone between these times, if DH needs to tell you he is running late he can text.

Concentrate on trying to get sleep, doing whatever works best for you and LO, I found getting out by 9am for a walk was crucial for my DS (despite the house looking like a bomb had hit it). Make sure you are eating properly, and maybe take a multi-vitamin.

I really feel for you as my situation is so similar - married to man-child and incredibly controlling MIL. But thankfully mine isn't a therapist and lives a healthy distance away so I don't have to deal with her often.
I totally agree with previous posts that a cheery "thanks and I'll think about it" is the easiest get out.
I don't know about getting your OH to help because if my experience is anything to go by a man child with a controlling mother is not going to stand up to her although of course it's an issue that needs addressing at some point - but not when you are knackered and sleep deprived and still breast-feeding. I think you need to focus on you and your baby for now then sort out the other issues later when you have the energy and focus to do so because obviously OH should be supporting you not caving in to mummy!

Why does she even know so much about your marriage and how often you bfeed?

Are you having a party that other GPs are invited to?

Two things.

1. She is right about the breastfeeding. At nearly a year old your ds needs to learn to sleep in the night, and that he should not eat at night. You are not doing anybody a favour by continuing night feeds. It is not in your sons best interests. I was a totally sleep deprived wreck when I saw my gp about my knackeredness, and his first question was: "Do you breastfeed at night". I was. DS was nearly a year old. He told me I needed to let my son learn to sleep, that sleep is for night time and eating for day time, and at a year old, this is the right time to do this.

He also said that I could not be the one to do the sleep training, it had to be my dh due to baby not settling when smelling my milk. So my husband did this. I stayed in bed, dh went to ds every time he woke up. We followed GPs advice to the dot: Dh settle baby, not lift him out of bed, just stroke him and soothe him while in bed. It took just three nights. GP said it could take anything between 3-7 days.

This was a revelation. My world changed the moment baby started sleeping through and I got some rest.

1. She is bonkers to take an alzheimer patient out of his normal environment, to come and stay with a young family, and expect you to be able to handle him on top of your baby in the day time.

I think you need to tell her that you welcome her advice, and her strategy, but you think she needs to explain all this to her son so he can take this on.
Tell you dont think it advisable to take her husband out of his normal environment and his routine, as you would worry this would cause a set back to his condition. Tell her you know you are just going to blame yourself if he should take a turn for the worse with the upheaval of travel, a new place, sleepless nights (alzheimer patients tend to turn night to day, and often get up around 4 am) with a crying baby can be too much for him.

Maybe if she were to get respite for him in a care home you could talk about it again. But, really, though you appreciate her concern and willingness to help, it would be better if she could convince the babys father to step up and take this on for a week....

(ps, mum has levi body dementia, so i am familiar with this, and simply taking her home for a day to see my dad has serious repercussion. She has been dramatically worse with each change of scenery)

her helping at night so you can sleep and then you have to care for Alzheimer's patient during the day is not a help!

but your baby does not need feeding during the night. my DS1 slept thru night at eight weeks. I stopped breastfeeding him at 11 months when he started tugging at nipple and his brother at 14 months.

Maybe tell her you are not her patient?

Maybe she is right about the night feeds, but other than that she sounds more of a hindrence than a help!-Bringing an alzheimers patient to your house isn't at all helpful to him or you, the poor man will be totally confused as to why he is staying at your house and you will need to tend to him during the day -how is that helping YOU?
Your mil sounds very controlling, tell her you are thankful for her suggestions but things are getting better (white lie).
Don't answer the phone and do not agree on anything you do not want.
My mil is hard work and so is my fil, me & dh are breaking free from them hopefully, but it must be all the more worse considering she is a councsellor and physcopath!
My mil also planned on gatecrashing (typical centre of attention trait of hers)my dds birthday party-i said NO, its a party for kids not grownups

You sound exhausted and I agree with the other posters that you should try to cut back on night feeds to help you get a bit more sleep.

Mil sounds hard work and frankly, tactless, but not everything she says is unreasonable in itself. For a start, why wasn't she invited to ds birthday? Surely that's an obvious event to which gp should be invited?

Also, while unsolicited advice is seldom welcome, you sound to me like you are really struggling. Clearly mil is not very good at approaching these issues but if I can tell from this post that you are drowning, it's not surprising that she is concerned and trying to get involved. She's just clearly not very sensitive to how to do it.

Having said that, no way is bringing a sick elderly man to your home helpful to you. But I would be tempted to give her the benefit of doubt re the offer to do night wakings- I imagine she understands how damaging sleep deprivation is and trying, rather ham fistedly , to help.

Why don't you follow her approach? Turn it in her? Tell her you want to have an open conversation in which you say very clearly what you think, in the same way that she does to you. If she can dish it out, she should be able to take it. And perhaps that way you can clear the aid a bit?

Thanks for helpful advice so far all. Off top of my head from reading a few posts so far..

Yes I agree I DO need to stop night feeds. Ironically I had got to a point where it had stopped after say 11pm just before we went on a long weekend away to MIL's. It all regressed after that unfortunately and then we were away again and I haven't been able to get the strength to tackle it again since. DH simply won't be helping me. There is absolutely no way he will so I'm not even entertaining the thought. I'm being realistic. MIL said she knew it should be DH doing it but that I shouldn't bother being resentful as it wasn't productive. May also be true but usual sledgehammer approach was unpleasant to hear.

Yes we probably should go to relate but I don't feel strong enough to do this just now. I think if we go, I should be ready to accept it could bring things to a head to a point that one/either/both of us realise we shouldn't stay together. I'm not ready for that decision.

RE baby's birthday. I had literally just checked out who might be around that weekend as I don't know many other babies. Both my parents, and DH's parents (2 sets as divorced) all live a distance away so this would mean me putting up at least one set for the weekend on top of doing a party and honestly, I'm just too tired. My parents assumed we were just doing a kiddies party not one for adults. I hadn't yet managed to talk to DH properly about it either. So she wasn't not invited but I had wanted to perhaps just do a kiddies party and then offer to go visit the following weekend or something. Unfortunately, in checking out if DH's bro was around (he's local) or not, MIL obviously was told and then it is now all about her. I'm not being over sensitive here. I have more photos of my baby son with her when he was first born than with me. I feel quite sad about that.

Her husband is not desperately bad as his medication works pretty well but he does wander in the night, he does confuse which room is which and MIL doesn't know this but he did last time walk in on me breastfeeding and didn't apologise and leave the room but stayed for an eyeful. I was mortified. He did it twice which made me think it wasn't entirely accidental especially as he has now started making the odd smutty remark which is totally out of character. I accept it is his illness but I find it very stressful. My DH didn't take it seriously or believe me really. I feel DH is just not supportive at all. He would swear black was white just to contradict me at the moment.

Examples, he blew up angry at me over me wanting to put the raincover on the pushchair when it was raining. Said I was mollycoddling and baby is a BOY. He thought I was making a fuss over not being happy over the way our new car seat fitted. We were given one and though it fits my car, I didn't feel convinced it was right for his. I've just been to get another one and now know it was totally unsafe but again he said I was being fussy. He has it in his head that I can't cope with anything and that I'm being overly cautious (this is DEFINATELY his mother's 'analysis'). I think I have coped very well so far with no support from anywhere. I have basically been a single parent and had a traumatic birth which he basically didn't support me through. He hasn't fed baby, done a bath, done any night time wakings etc etc. Says I don't work. He has naps on a weekend. Never offers to help me out.

I think I'm just ranting now though it feels good to let this out.

Thanks for support.

You poor thing, OP, you sound knackered. I am loathe to offer you any advice because frankly you sound like you've been shoved around enough, but I remember that feeling of exhaustion so, so well and I think if you conquer that first, you'll have a clearer head with which to tell your MIL to get to fuck, and your H to pull up his pants and start being a real husband and father. SO: in the spirit of "secure own oxygen mask first before helping others" - let's talk about you, you getting more sleep at night, and feeling a bit stronger in the daytime. Around a year is a great time to nightwean, specially if you don't plan to give up breastfeeding any time soon. We were hippy never-let-him-cry parents up to a year, and that meant that I found nightweaning very hard because there was some crying, after all DS woke every 2-3 hours right up to our nightweaning him - but it didn't take very long at all, surpisingly only about a week.

DH did it all - and still does all the night stuff, a year on (DS is nearly 2, so we're a year ahead of you). DS had a nightmare this week and woke shouting "Daddy! Daddy!" - as I'm pregnant with #2 I thought 'that's good' and went back to sleep! Now, your H needs to be on board with this - you say he's a manchild but you don't say what (if anything) he does to parent your lovely child. Would he do this?

Your MIL needs to fuck off, and your H needs to shape up. You've been given great ideas as to how to get the former sorted politely - "that doesn't work for me" is a classic! - and as to the latter, why not talk to him about taking on nightweaning? Big responsibility but he might shine through, above all as Mummie Dearest has recommended it....

Do you want to go to relate with your H? What (apart from your MIL fucking off, and your H shaping up) do you want?

sorry, x-post

I'm so, so sorry that your H is such a twat and such a poor father. It must be incredibly hard.

Christ, I just read the rest of the post.

Christ, he's awful. I think you need to tell them both to fuck off, to be honest. As you're basically a single parent to two children, what on earth does his mother know? She hasn't raised him right, or he wouldn't be like this, would he? Therefore she knows nothing.

Yu sound like you are being slowly suffocated OP. I really feel for you.

OP, you've had some advice here but I just had to jump on QuintessentialShadows said about the night feeds, I disagree.

I'm BF'ing a 23 month old still, he sleeps through now and I didn't have to sleep train. It happened naturally, its personal choice but its not a route I'd have gone down, there are threads and threads on this. If your baby is teething this is the norm them feeding for comfort in the night, mine did it, it is exhausting and you need support from your DS, he takes baby in morning so you get a lie in once in a while and make sure you get plenty of early nights.

People have opinions on this, your MIL clearly does. I just want you to know there are others out here who have done it your way and come out the othe rside, I didn't go insane, yes it was tough, but those wakings do stop. My little one goes to sleep at 7 and wakes 7/8, no wakings, happened overnight, no tears.

Each to their own, do what you're comfortable doing, don't be rail roaded into what others think you should do, best advice I had was 'follow your heart' in such matters, I'm glad I have.

OP it is not up to hr or any of the posters to tell you when to night wean! if you want to yourself then do it, but not everyone weans at one year!
I had interfering family taking it very personally when I didn't take their advice on many issues during the first year, at a time wh.en most of us are sleep deprived and emotional.
Your marriage is nothing to do with her either.

I don't see why you have to engage with her on any of this. She doesn't know how to behave. If I had my time back rather than getting exercised about all of this and letting it affect my confidence and stressing me, I would just say " thanks for the offer of help but all babies are different and I really do know more tHan you about what to do for the best, just as you knew what was by for your child". End of.
You sounds like a very caring mother, don't let her think you are failing.

Poor you!

Please just do things your own way. Do what's best for you and the baby. Stop trying to accommodate everyone else and thinking of their feelings. You are incredibly tired and that makes you very vulnerable and emotionally exhausted.

Just tell your MIL you'll let her know if you need her to come and stay but you don't feel it's necessary. Her suggested plan of action seems like the most hellish nightmare to me. How arrogant and patronising to think she can just waltz in and bring your FIL and all his problems, and "take charge" of your life. That is not going to solve anything.

All babies are different and yours may not be ready to stop night feeds. There isn't a timetable and what's OK for one baby will be downright impossible for another. Sleep when your baby does.

It's hard enough looking after a baby who is going through a difficult stage. You will be far better off without the kind of "help" which is basically interfering and intrusive, undermines you and makes you feel anxious, exhausted and angry.

Are there any toddler groups you can go to? It sounds rather like you need more RL friends in the same boat as you.

As for your DH, I would save my energy if I were you. He isn't going to change. When you are strong enough you can decide what to do about that, but for now I hope you find the strength to be confident that you know what's best, both for yourself and your son.

I meant don't let her make you think you are failing.

I would echo what catfart said about night feeds. My DC1 kept going with them until 12mo and then stopped of her own accord. My DC2 is still going with them at 11mo and he is currently teething like crazy. Personally I would rather bf him at the moment to settle him than not, especially as his crying wakes DC1.

Each to their own.

I hope you get the other stuff resolved.

Follow your heart is great advice.
And you know everyone says to mothers of young babies"you need sleep". It is like they think we are fools and this has not occurred to us. For a short period in your life you might be sleep deprived, it is not forever. You might just have to put everything else on hold to preserve any energy you have left. It is bloody tough, but no one would suggest to a doctor who is sleep deprived that they were fools not to get more sleep. They are admired and valued.
I admire your love and dedication to your child OP.
It will pass honestly OP.