MIL wants to 'help' but has agendas.LONG, sorry.

[StressedNotSupported]

Where to start. I've name changed as this is delicate. Some background...

I have a DS of almost 1 year. It has been without a doubt the hardest year of my life. I love my son with every bit of my heart unreservedly but my relationship with DH has become strained I'd say almost to breaking point. He was unsupportive during hard pregnancy and birth and I think just can't cope if I need him rather than vice versa. He is a man child. I knew this when I met him but I guess now I have an actual child, I need him to grow up which is harsh but true.

I am exhausted with DS who is bf and still awake several times a night. He is cutting a bunch of teeth just now too.

DH's family are making things harder. DH's bro lives near us. MIL lives a long way away. BIL has a little boy a couple years older than our DS and MIL has been very involved with them. MIL expects same with us. I am happy for her to be involved as a normal grandma but I feel her attitude goes beyond normal.

On top of this, mIL is a psychologist and counsellor and can't seem to switch this off. I find her manner intrusive and she is very controlling. This is backed up by sil who ended up at relate with BIL saying there were 3 of them in their marriage and the 'other woman' was his mum. Generally tho I think she has a more stable relationship with MIL. They have more in common, more history and I think, she is more willing to, and sorry for this phrase, kiss MIL's ass.

DH will often speak and I can hear her words coming out. No doubt about it.

I don't dislike MIL, it is more that I don't trust her. We get on for a while but then, out of nowhere, she will turn. Again, SIL has said she has this ability to take one's breath away in an instant with things she will come out with.

I could go on all day, it is very complex and I hope I am making sense.

So yesterday she rang for a 'chat' which is not that common. I was a bit stressed anywyay yesterday as I'd had phone call after phone call (literally, put phone down, it rings again) and DH was get very fractious. On top of this, I am soooo tired from sleep deprivation. Anyway, we have a brief chat, skim over how I'm doing and how she is going (as she has had recent health probs). Leave it at that. Then 4 hours later, just as I'm doing baby's tea, she rings back. Said she's been thinking about what's going on all afternoon and that she could come and help. She isn't busy and could come and stay for a week. But I would need to let her help and she would take over the nightime wakings and she would then sleep in the day. Said somebody needed to take charge of the situation. I'm paraphrasing but amongst other things she asked how many times I was still bfding, said she was frustrated that we hadn't been to relate about our marriage, suggested I go to the GP for depression, etc etc.

Now, an offer of help is nice but I felt totally sidestepped. I was dealing with baby crying for his food and I was exhausted by 5pm yesterday and I ended up in tears on the phone as I couldn't cope with that level of intrusion. I said I would think about it and she said that we will talk again about this.

Now I don't think it is up to her to tell me when to stop breastfeeding or how to tackle night wakings esp with baby who is teething. Add to this her DH (not my DH's father ) has alzeihmers and she'd bring him with her, so I'd have him to 'look after' during the day as well as baby and dog, whilst she sleeps having done the night shift with my baby. I'm not comfortable with any of this. I don't feel our relationship is built on enough trust. I feel undermined.

I am willing to consider that she genuinely wants to help but actually I don't believe this. I think this is more about her wanting some control and input over how I raise my child. She has recently suggested we go away for weekend and she'd come and look after baby. Again, not unappreciated, but it's up to me when I feel ready to leave him.

But and this is the big but, DH and I had a big row last night which was quite constructive in the end and it turned out that between the two phone calls yesterday afternoon, MIL had rung DH at work to ask him why she hadn't been invited up for DS's 1st birthday. So basically this is all about her and I d on't want to give her any 'control'. I don't even want to have any deep meaningfuls with her. IMO she misuses her professional skills in a family situation.

I feel very stressed by offer of 'help' and upset that she has now hijacked baby's 1st birthday making it about her.

I am not sure what I'm asking really. How to say no without causing world war 3? SHoudl I say no to her 'helping' when it means her deciding I should night wean my baby?

Blimey she is a disaster zone and she doesn't give a shit about you or your baby. Just remember that.

When you're this stressed your child will suffer. She's a horrible horrible bitch and she doesn't care about that. Selfish witch.

Don't usually post so strongly but she needs a frying pan right in the fizzog.

Right I've done it. Prepare for it to all go off!

I just sent a polite email that said thanks but the days I had already arranged work best for me. THanks Xales - your reply helped though I didn't quite put it as abruptly as I don't want a massive barney.

ARGH!!!!

Thanks for the book suggestion olgaga I will look into that. I'm not unassertive but I don't like upset. I find whatever I do with MIL is wrong. Unless she gets entirely her own way then she goes mad.

Right, it's done now. I'm off to make baby's birthday cake. I'm sure MIL will be well behaved on LO's birthday as I'll have my friends there etc.

I never normally post on these sort of threads, but I wanted to say you are coping with this incredibly well - esp for someone who is sleep deprived and stressed. You are managing to be assertive whilst still trying to let your MIL have a bit of what she wants - you are being utterly reasonable & rational. However much you might feel like becoming a screaming harpy :-)

I don't think you need advice. If you follow your gut instinct and stay firm but fair, you will get there. Just be strong and stick with what feels right to you.

What you need to do now, if forget her, & focus on enjoying your baby's first birthday - just think about him for a bit, and enjoy being with him.

Thank you funny. I feel extremely stressed by it all. It's just THERE all the time. I can sort of handle it but feel churned up inside. You are right, I need to unwind and go and have fun with little one. I think we'll get out in sunshine now his cake is baked! ;)

Remember that all these things get magnified horribly when you are sleep deprived, I'm not surprised you feel churned up.

I think the key to this situation is making sure you are on top of it. Asserting yourself gently but firmly without rising to the bait and creating more anxiety for yourself about consequences is crucial when you are feeling vulnerable.

Good luck!

I wonder if in future you should copy your dh in on emails to stop her contacting him seperately. It will look very odd on her if you send it and then she replies only to him IYSWIM?

I hope you starting getting more sleep soon, life is hard when you're constantly sleep deprived.

I relate very strongly to your post OP, I too have a controlling, if not toxic MIL who used to be a counsellor for the NHS. MIL tried to tell us what to do when DS with 3 weeks old (leave him to cry, stop being so fussy) and both DP and I told her we're not interested in her opinion. She's not speaking to us sicne that incident and has notr seen DS since but quite frankly I rather do it alone than with that witch of a woman. (DP is completely traumatised as a person and love deprived and I strongly think it's all her doing, she's not going to be allowed to repeat the same with MY son.
Arguments in the early days of a baby's life are absolutely normal. Sleep deprivation doens't help, but all my NCT friends spent their time arguing with their H or P about the smallest insignificant matters too they would confine. Dont jump to any conclusions about the health of your relationship, it's normal. However, one thing that could be good is to get DH to take rounds on week ends and do the early shift, take DS for a walk in the park and let you rest every other week end for an hour or two in the morning. It might help him to bond with his son and give you a much deserved respite.
I never got mine to do that but I managed to get him more involved and he has managed to make DS (16 months) nap or sleep a couple of times, which made him very pround. The thing that changed it all is when we started all co sleeping together at about 8 months
Perhaps your DH just feels inadequate, or clueless. I know how tired you are but maybe give him a chance to be hands on and praise him when he does well (just liek you would a child) to beef up his confidence?
Last point, I remember that around 1 year my DS was especially hard, I had nearly managed to stop bfeeding and suddenly he was back on the breast several times a day / night. It quickly stopped and by 14 month he slept 7.30 to 6.30 and I never had to go through any sleep training /crying (albeit I'm co sleeping which I suppose helps).
There are threads about toxic MIL and yours sounds like one. This is your child, he's only little once, don't let her take over. I'm French so not diplomatic at all and quite conflictual but if you don't want her at your sons birthday that's your perogative. Do as you want / feel. Tell her to give you soem space you feel cornered. What you need now is time as a family, just you, your DS and DH, no one else...